Eight years ago, I bought a house with my mother. It is a two family home, we are completely separate. We both put the money from the sale of our each of our homes into buying this house. The house is in my name and my son's. I pay the mortgage. Six years ago I remarried and my husband moved in. My son bought his own home 2 years ago. My mother has what I believe to be boarderline personality disorder. She has always been very angry and had mood swings. She doesn't like many people and has never had friends. She and my father had a terrible marriage full of verbal and physical fighting. I am an only child. Now, she is constantly criticizing, complaining, and questioning every thing I do or say. She is controling and argumentative.
She recently turned a discussion into an argument resulting in her pushing and slapping my husband across the face. She had locks installed on all her doors that only she can open, and she is keeping my mail as she is home days when my husband and I are at work.
Legally, I can make her move. I would never do this to an 84 year old woman. However, she is ruining my life with her irrational behavior. She does not have dementia or many health problems. She still drives.
How do I deal this and live a semi-normal life? Right now we are not speaking to eachother. She has abused my husband which is totally unacceptable to me. The damage has been done and cannot be reversed.
I love her because she is my mother, but I do not like her. I regret the decision to buy this home together, but cannot sell it now. I feel stuck and helpless.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
What I'm trying to get at is ... because I was too close to the situation (physically and emotionally), I did not see that he was becoming senile. Hello!?! This was like Months later when sis started helping! So, maybe, your mom is having the beginnings of senility? ..... My dad refused to go to the clinic. Can't force him. Are you able to get your mom to go to one? Preferably to a geriatric doctor (specializes in the elderly care)? .... Take care!
When you first moved in, did you have a period of relative pleasant relationship? If so, when did that change? Do you know what triggered it? If she has boarderline personality disorder I think it might be hard to tell whether that condition is escalating, or if she has acquired an additional mental illness, such as dementia. It would be good if she could be evaluated, but that certainly doesn't sound like something you could talk her into. So ...
Get new locks on your doors, too. Have your mail sent to a PO box. Avoid contact. If you accidentally meet her on the sidewalk, nod and smile and move on quickly.
This is a very sad state of affairs. You are certainly right that abusing anyone in your household is totally unacceptable. But being right does not make the estrangement pleasant. My heart goes out to you. Hugs.
xo
-SS
Wishing you the best.
My mother is going to be 88 next month and her behavior is very similar to what you've described, minus the violence factor.
I feel so badly for you.
Agree about getting the PO box and keeping your distance as much as possible.
You're a good, caring daughter, and it sounds like you really had the best intentions with setting up the living situation.
I'm glad you found this forum. Keep sharing, it really helps.
Maybe it would help to think of her as an unpleasant neighbor and treat her as such, with respect, but without allowing her into your home and your life anymore. It does sound like she can take care of herself. I might've been worse if she was bedridden and used her own weakness as a means to chain you to her side. My husband and I were thinking about buying a home and sharing it with my mother, but my relationship with her is only worsening because she thinks I don't love her and help her out of obligation. It breaks my heart because the more she confronts me with her imaginary fears, the less love and warmth I feel for her, and only want to disappear and not talk to her at all. I now can't imagine sharing a home with her, and giving her unlimited access to my life, as she feels entitled to it. You at least live in separate homes. Also, I agree about medication. The trick is to find the right one, so maybe tweaking her prescriptions would help with hostility. Best of luck.
I would lock my bedroom door when I would visit her. I started feeling very uncomfortable and not safe.
To give an example of being around her. I put a little too much water in 5 minute rice and asked where she kept her colander. She said "why do you want a colander?" I replied I need to strain off some water and she literally started sceaming and stopping up and down yelling that I never listen to her. If I had listened, I would have known to read the box....How many middle aged women use a measuring cup for rice???? I drove 12 hours several times a year to listen and put up with that.
That is just one little thing.
She insults me constantly, and the past couple of years has started insulting my husband and two sons and I keep that to myself.
She also accuses me of keeping her grandsons away from her. They are grown men who live on opposite sides of the country and she is in Ky.
I am at the point where I stopped caring about her a couple of years ago. She is TOXIC.
I found one after we had our little meltdown a couple of weeks ago. It helped me to understand that if I am having a hard time, it is not going any easier for my mom, who is losing her independance bit by bit as time goes.
i ask her tonight if she would look at a storage shed with me we need one and I offered to pay for it and she went insane! I am just sick with all of this stress! I lost my home to foreclosure everything I own is in storage and she blames me for not being able to find another place to live. I have a very small income that would only cover enough to pay rent! I would not be able to pay for food or utilities! I am a mechanic, all of my tools are in storage! and my moms car needs to be fixed and I cannot repair it without my tools! I am tired of this mess. my mom hates people also, she has no friends and I have a brother and a sister who I can not rely on or ask them for any help! I do not think there is any way out of this mess! I live in a one room apartment that is nothing more then a shity cheap ass hellhole. my mother blames me for that to. my mom can not live alone anymore and she will not admit that it is true. she even got lost driving one day in her local area. dose anyone know if I did something wrong to deserve all of this stress? I mean could my life be any uglier? I just want some solace and peace in my life which I never have had and I think I never will, even after my mother passes on. I just think that people like us are given a bad deal in life because god just cant hand out a silver platter to everyone and I think the people who god chooses to have a less then a mediocre life are the people who he thinks are the stronger people who can handle being no one. but I am tried of trying to be strong when I have never had anything positive to look forward to. I have tried to be successful in my life. college degree in music,20 years studying voice, I was the best voice student my instructor had ever had! he used to tell people that I was his Barbara streistand and yes I am a women! a mechanic by trade. I have never had any help or encouragement and all of my attempts to become successful have failed and the one main reason I never got anywhere is I never had the backing or help that I see other people get from family, friends or acquaints. if I were successful, I would have the money to just end all of these problems. I just could hire someone to check in on my mother and pay someone else to fix her car. is there any answer to end all of this crap other then money? I just think that there isn't and never will be! you need money or everything in America! and my name is not kardashian! overlook the bad spelling! good luck to everyone who feels the same way I do! Lynn