How do you make peace with being a caregiver to dysfunctional parents?

So many good inputs in comments already stated. The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book is good for Borderline Personality issues, plus is helpful for coping with "just plain difficult." Honestly, the terms "just plain difficult" or "quirky-cranky" are mild terms for some of the things that caregivers deal with. Folks with "normal" older loved ones have no idea what it has been like for us in childhood. For those of you who are trapped by the "FOG," remember -- you DID NOT grow up in a Norman Rockwell setting, and you DO NOT have to feel obligated to offer Norman Rockwell (perfect) actions now. If you have a trusted friend who can come with you to view the current family dynamics -- try it. They can be a witness to issues, or it may be that it confirms the family members who you care for are only "hateful and critical" when you are alone to hear it. That tells you right there that you should distance yourself from FOG caregiving as soon as possible for your own sanity and health. If you can hire a counselor (posing as a friend of yours) to stop by with you this is even better. Try an outside viewpoint and get it documented. It can help.

You cannot make peace with dysfunctional parents, you can only make peace with yourself. You are not obligated to dismiss your emotional health at the expense of a difficult parent. If you need to take a step back and let the professionals handle her, do so. You have done what you could. Take care of yourself!

Oh there certainly are others, myself for one. My mother was not a loving or caring mother, she always said she wished she never had any of us. I now am stuck taking car of her, but my heart is not in it. She has alianated the other two of her children and they also live out of state. I'm the one stuck and I resent it, and feel guilty about resenting it. She is 85 has alzheimers and lives alone, but expects me to be there at all times. If she had been a better mother I might feel like being there more, but I'm doin what I feel obligated to do as a daughter and that is it. Try not to feel guilty, you get what you give in life.

stillwaters, why is it that you are sticking around for this abuse?

I noticed that no one quite has my problem which is that I have two mentally ill parents and one embedded sister who lives with them. The three of them are always in lock step. Whenever I am around I become the source of all of their frustrations. They don't even accord me the right to have emotions. My sister recently told me, "I never saw you as a person with feelings or as a person entitled to make mistakes." Of course, she has since fallen back into her trance and denies having ever said it. My father tells me I may not be his, he wishes I was never a part of the family, and that I should stay on my own path and our parts need never cross again. Neither my sister nor my mother believes me when I tell them. They say they have never heard my father say such things. Yet he has been calling my mother a whore for as long as I can remember and making up stories about her sexual escapades. My mother calls me a trouble maker and tells me to stay away from her home as long as I find it necessary to lie and to argue with my father. (Note, please, that the man is always angry about something and always yelling at his family whether I'm there or not.) I could fill pages, but you get the idea. With both parents living at home and approaching 90, and an emotionally stunted, inept sister who doesn't drive, I should be pitching in. I'm not an angel. but I don't have 666 tattooed on my forehead like my father accused. It was a joke proclaimed the others. Again, 3 v. 1. How can I deal?

Givemepeace - you are one strong lady to deal with this kind of "mother" through your life, not to mention the last 7 years. These people are SO destructive. If it is possible to get her out of your daily life, you need to do so, for your own safety. Believe me, her kind of evil behavior is nothing to fool around with, especially if she is threatening to make false accusations. You should feel no guilt whatever at insisting on an AL - you are never obligated to take abuse and this is not something to even discuss with her, much less negotiate. I didn't make much headway until I finally realized that I did not have to explain to my mother, or have a rational discussion. I was clear what I could tolerate and not, and boundaries were nonnegotiable. Oddly enough, we started getting along better once it was clear that I was simply indifferent to her opinion or her attempts at guilting.But I don't expect this would work in all cases. I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself with - you tried, but you cannot make her life happy, she has to do that for herself. Please, try to separate yourself somehow, give yourself a life - you deserve it!
As to siblings who remain distant - all the family should try to provide financial support if that is absolutely necessary - it should not be the burden of just the responsible ones. However, I don't think it fair or wise to insist that sibs who have detached to protect themselves get back into the daily fray. There is no obligation to hands on care and contact. I can think of one extreme case where a daughter had to go to court and get a court order that her mother could not contact her in any way. Mom had to go to the court if she had anything to communicate.

givemepeace, peace comes from within. Your Mom is who she is, nasty and all, YOU are the one who must change. You are not at fault but have to get help for the depression. Then you must do something about your Mom living with you. You need to understand the guilt is part of her manipulation. Please help yourself, your Mom is obviously not going to care what she is doing to you and probably never has. It is a new year, think about your physical and mental health. I wish you well.

It's nice to know we are not alone in situations like this. My mother is the same. Nothing I do for her is ever good enough and I have to talk loud to her because she's hard of hearing and I get told I have an attitude. When I try to help her with something that she wanted changed, and then changed back I tell her that she didn't like it that way. I say I'm just trying to tell you and you are not listening to me. Oh yes she'll say it's all my fault and never yours, then guilt this and guilt that. She can be so hateful and mean. No one else will care for her, my middle sister who has passed away, walked away from her years ago, my oldest sister - basically is a useless human being and can't help, excuse me won't help because she has her bible to study and do ministry work - ah okay. I try not to let mom get to me but at times she does, at times i don't even like her. she's been living with me for 7 yrs now since dad passed away. Dad's words stick in my mind forever I guess - take care of your mom. I feel like a prisoner - I feel like I have been sentenced for life. I try to stay positive but it is hard. I am so depressed. I want sometimes to just be totally free of her and her nasty ways. Then I will feel awful that I feel this way. I know I will never please her, there is no pleasing her. Even her sister told me nothing was ever good enough for her. I don't know why she ever had children, she damaged us all. I know there are many dysfunctional families out there. I'm tired of living in one. Even if she was in a nursing home, I still would not be free from her. When she was for therapy, she complained about everything. When at times she is in two different worlds in her mind (it happens once in awhile not real often) she is excessively mean to me, says things like I am trying to kill her, that I am keeping her alive. What scares me if she says these things to the wrong people - I will pay the price for her nastiness and lies. It's awful to feel this way about my own mother, but I want to have peace from her and God only knows when that will happen. If she does something, like say knock over the cup, it is my fault because of the cup I gave her or the table - she didn't do it. Now it's no big deal to knock over a cup, but how does it become my fault? Like tonight for instance, she has a hospital bed and I put the siderails up at night and she has an over the bed table, which I do not put over the bed anymore because she complained she bumped her head on it - have no clue how she did that as it was not close to her head - her tissues and a bottle of water are on this table at night in case she needs them. So she tells me to put the table along side the bed but not over, so this I do - again this is wrong, she claims she hits her head, what she actually is bumping is the siderail which now a pillow is placed against it. So I try to explain this to her. Nope no go. I tell her I am trying to tell you but you won't listen to what I am saying. Oh and again, it's never your fault it's always mine. I say why can't I just talk to you - she'll say there's no talking to you. Back and forth battle. Thus the guilt trip. With that I said good night and left the room. I keep telling myself, just take care of her as an aide would do and then leave the room. That will work for awhile and then she starts up again. It seems like she can be okay for awhile then bam hits me with a double loaded shotgun. Why does she do this to me? Is she that miserable of a person that she prefers to dump her misery on me and say it's all because of me? Yes the statement misery loves company - must be true. I know her life is not what she'd like it to be as it once was but it's not my fault! So here is the perfect ending of 2011 as it has been for 7 years and 2012 won't be much different. I know I should be grateful my mother is alive and around - but how? I pray and I pray, ask for forgiveness for maybe not trying hard enough - but there will be no peace between us, there will be no pleasing her because that is totally impossible. I am thankful for groups like this - as you all understand and won't judge me, as I won't judge you - one has to live this issue to totally understand. Wishing you all a happy, peaceful new year.

"EASY TO SAY AND SOMETIMES HARDER TO DO. FORGIVENESS....
BLESSINGS AND HUGS"

Absolutely, madge. You have to forgive - it is ongoing, but you must not forget the damage that she (the mental illness she has) does and must continue to protect yourself. It amazed me recently that, after me not having contact for a while due to some very nasty words from mother, I sent her an online Christmas card. Very quickly she responded. Not - "nice to hear from you" but,as if a breath had not been lost, she launched into a litany of woes - underdone oatmeal was the most current, the home care worker who did that was called "the abuser" and what I could do to help her, was take the ALF to court. That was followed by more of the same, until she saw that I was not responding. All I can expect is more and more - and it is using - unless I protect myself, They crave "narcissistic supply" - attention and will do anything to get it. Relationships are used for that purpose. The disease is very destructive to the people who relate to the narcissist and it sounds like you have suffered a lot already. Would you not protect yourself against someone who had HIV?. It is a disease as is narcissism and personality disorders. I find it easier to think in those terms, and also remember you do her no good service to play into her sick behaviour. Many ((((((((hugs)))))) and let us know how you are doing. Today is a new day! Joan

Also, the guy who wrote about forgiving is right. You do have to forgive and move on. Then you know for sure you can heal. I have and what a difference. But remember there is a big difference in forgiving and forgetting. Don't forget, because the narcissistic parent will continue to use you if you forget what they have done and what they will continue to do.

Surfingnurse, as the Mom of twin RN's, I know you are familiar with narcissistic behavior. The person who posted the site daughtersofnarcissisticmother.com is giving some good advice. Read this, see if it applies and take care of yourself. Sounds as if you Mom has already done some damage to you and your sister. Take care of yourself and realize that we can't "hands on" take care of these parents who would suck the life out of us and not care one bit. God Bless.

HELLO EVERYONE!

I AM NEW HERE. AND, I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR SHARING AS I TRULY BELIEVED I AM ALONE IN THIS MADNESS. AS AN ONLY CHILD, I HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK CARING FOR A MOTHER WHOM ALL OF YOU HAVE DESCRIBED IN YOUR STORIES. TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, I BURIED MY DAD IN MARCH WHOM I WAS ESTRANGED FROM FOR 36 YEARS DUE TO MY MOM. HE HAD JUST COME BACK INTO MY LIFE AND THEN HE WAS GONE AFTER CHOKING ON HIS SUPPER WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL THE DAY AFTER XMAS. HE MADE ME PROMISE THAT I WOULD LEARN TO FORGIVE MYMOM AND TAKE CARE OF HER TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. SO, WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH ALL OF YOU IS WHAT HAS BEEN SHARED WITH ME. " FORGIVENESS IS POWERFUL. NO MATTER HOW YOUR MOM(DAD) TREATS YOU: YOU BE THE BEST DAUGHTER/SON YOU CAN BE. I AM ONT SAYING TO KISS BUT BUT, THE MEANER THEY ARE TO YOU THE NICER YOU BE TO THEM. WE MUST TAKE OUR POWER BACK AND WE HAVE MORE POWER THAN WE REALIZE. IN THIS WAY YOU ARE ASSURED NO FOG. ONCE YOU REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF THAT IS THE ONLY INTEGRITY YOU NEED.
THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING. MUCH HUGS AND BLESSED CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL. GOD BLESS!
DPRAYS

Surfingnurse, bless you for all you are trying to do for your dysfunctional mother. The rewards for doing the right thing for her will show up years from now, after your mother is gone. I always wondered if there was a serious hole in the training given to nurses, and if there is, I think I've found it and you've stepped in it. Nurses are taught that there is no meaningful diffence between absolutely perfect and marginally adequate. Nurses are expected to do everything they do perfectly, lest the patient suffer "needlessly." My one piece of advice to you is to do the best you can with your mother and then accept that the best you can do is not only the best you can do, but it's good enough. If you knew I was mentally ill and I told you that you were worthless, you'd discount my input to the point of ignoring it. You know your mother is mentally ill; discount her input accordingly, to the point of ignoring it in the name of self preservation. Give yourself the heartfelt thanks that your mother cannot give you. You have earned it. Be as good to yourself as you would be to a person doing their best to improve your quality of life. Forgive your Mom. Forgive yourself. Give compassion to her, and to yourself.
Jonathan

I can't believe how many responses there have been! I can't thank you all enough for your advice. I feel better knowing that there are other people out there with a parent like mine, in the same situation I am in. It's very tiring feeling selfish and guilty. I just keep thinking to myself...I would never want to burden anyone...why didn't she prepare for old age? I don't get it.

I'm gonna remember that one too, Eddie. It is hysterical. Will probably have an opportunity to use it this week. HA! All these posts have made me feel supported. Thanks

get of the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood.

OMGosh! Thank you Eddie! ROFLMAO! i am going to remember this one forever!!!!

SN:

I've said it before and I'll say it again: people shouldn't bring children to the world and then expect them to pay for it. To my mother, I'm an investment that never quite paid up. She tried the guilt trips and all kinds of emotional blackmail. Those didn't pan out either. The only option left was playing the victim; the ever-suffering martyr with ingrates for children. I told her to get of the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood.

No one here is perfect, we just want to look in the mirror and love whom we see.

My half sister had a mom much like yours. She put her in a nursing home and visited as she could. She had no guilt about it then - and none now 10 yrs after hers mom's death. What she does regret is that her Mom was such an extremely difficult, manipulative, overbearing person - my sister deserved better.

One thing I have truly learned as a caregiver is that we can only do so much without ending up in worst shape than the ones we are caring for. Being a primary caregiver to a loving, selfless person is nonetheless a difficult and often all-consuming task. But to care for someone who is intentionally difficult or mean - thats a job for a saint - and I'm no saint.

I did it by deciding the kind of person I wanted to be was not like my mother, who is also Borderline and probably the meanest person I will ever know in my life. BUT I did not have to deal with day to day like you do........I live far away. She is now in a nursing home with Alzheimer's Disease. My sister thinks that it is her karma here on earth for what she put us through in our lives. Most of my large family does not care if she lives or dies and I don't judge them. We all had to survive however we could. Because (I think) I was in therapy for years, I have no bad feelings toward her any longer. I pity her, but I do not hate her.
I think that you should do what you can without getting that very bad feeling inside and if that means nothing, then do nothing. She will figure it out. She has been manipulating people all her life and if it stops working with you and your brother, she will move on.
I wish you luck with a difficult situation.

I have basically the same mother. She has never been dx'd for it, but I know enough about borderline personality disorder to know that this is her; her other problem is hypochondria. I don't know that I have made peace with it really, but what I have done is to draw my boundaries with her by telling her what I will and will not do, and how often. I have Phone ID and I do not anwer more than 2 out of 10 phone calls. I told her that going to the doctor is not Disneyland, and she needs to stop making appointments because she cannot afford to gas up my truck, (I live 40 miles away). I told her that from now on she needs to fill her prescriptions by mail because I will no longer be driving down several times a month to pick them up and drive them over. My sister and I placed her in a B & C home, even if either of us did have physical space for her, we would not be able to take her in. It would soon drive us insane and we refuse to go there.

Do what you know is right, take care of yourself. I'm in therapy two or three days a week, and I know I wouldn't be able to draw these boundaries with my mother if I wasn't taking care of myself first. However, because I am taking care of my mother in a way that I can handle; I feel good about myself.

Surfing, I think it's what we can live with at the end of the life of a terrible parent that counts. If you have a clear conscious when you mother does die, then that's how you should live your life without any guilt. If you believe you'll need to do more for your ungrateful mother now in order to waylay any guilt later, then do it. If you think you've done enough and you're 'good to go' so to speak, then there's your answer. I think anyone that had a rotten childhood with a rotten parent, ought to make it their life goal to NOT be like the parent they got stuck with. Keep the faith, you're doing what you need to do to stay healthy.

Hi SurfingNurse, when I read your question I felt angry! The reason being is that my Father is like your Mother. He has ruled us all our lives and now he is in hospital, I find I have to go there and protect him, as I find him being medicated to keep him quiet. So I find I am asking for the ward manager etc to place a complaint towards his treatment. Therefore, to this day he still has control over me as your Mother does with you. I don't believe we will change, our minds are set by them. Having said that, I make a point of stabilising my thoughts each day by reminding myself what a selfish, controlling man he has been. I will continue to help him, just so I can live with myself. I feel for you as a Mother is normally that bit closer and the effect must be awful for you and it makes me angry that there are so many victims who are through their own kindness controlled so much. No matter how much research has gone on in this area, it is too late as the damage is done. We must acknowledge that we are good, caring people who have sacificed so much and through no fault of our own, are let down by parents that have brought us into this world to serve them. I wish we were born without emotions as perhaps the pain and mixed confused thoughts we are left with could be banished.
I wish you well and hope you can go forward with your own life and give back to your Mother what she has given you! x

My Mom to a T also. But, my narcissistic Mom has been living with me for the last 2 years. I have detached emotionally. I take care of all her needs, take her to all appointments (which is a lot as she has cancer), and I am trying to run my business mostly from home. I did talk to my physician and asked him if I needed to see a counselor to deal with the guilt she throws on me about "I owe her", too. I have been on a guilt trip all my life because of her. He told me to wait until she passed away and then see if the guilt will go away. But, I expect she can guilt me even in death. Since detaching emotionally, she tells me I am such a rude person and that I owe her, etc. Someone else posted last week and said these type people just play you like a fiddle and know how to push your buttons. That we children are still trying to be that "perfect" child and if it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen. Just know that this too shall pass, take deep breaths and just shake your head in amazement of this treatment. Use it as a learning experience of how to NOT treat your caretakers. We are strong people and will make it through this. Just no real good answers....just faith.

I think in situations like these, and with impossible parents like these, you may have to consider a nursing home. For your own survival, for your own sanity and for their own good. We tried for years with my father-in-law who rejected all help, aides, meals on wheels, offers to live next to us, not interested. He'd do it his way which is basically not bathe or feed himself, drink all day long and start grease fires and fall asleep. You cannot win in these situations. Finally he went into hospital and with the help of doctors and neighbours, went into rehab and then into a nursing home. Medicaid will pay if your mother does not have any money. Consult an Elder Lawyer for advice and please look after yourself FIRST otherwise you will be no good to anyone.

(((((((hugs))))))You have described my mother to a T. She has Borderline Personality Disorder too and is narcissistic, and alienates people. A psychiatrist once told me he was more worried about my sister than my mother, but never gave me a diagnosis for my sis. I am the caregiver (have POA) because my sister will not do anything though she is the "golden child" who can do no wrong. I am the scapegoat. Mother has wanted me to do everything for her, too. Fortunately we live in different cities (her choice), but I have had up to 20 emails a day about things that upset her and that she wants me to fix. A lot of it is repetition. I have moved her twice - once from her apartment into an ALF and once into a second ALF as she had problems in the first one. After the second move I told her the next move would be into a nursing home if she could not manage where she is. She is 99 but physically extremely healthy, other than a touchy gut which runs in the family. She has a hip repair a few months ago and the docs pronounced her A1 and gave her full anaesthetic for the op. I am 74 and have fibromyalgia and some other things and stress makes it all worse. I have had to distance and detach emotionally for my own survival, as at my age the stress hits me harder than even 10 years ago. She hires an ex nurse to shop for her, take her to appointments and do a few other things. The ALF does the cleaning, laundry etc. Because of her touchy gut and her eliteism she will not eat in the dining room, so the ex nurse does the food shopping. I have stopped answering emails for a while because she would engage me in hours of emailing if I allowed it and gets mad when I won't answer her immediately, I started getting flashbacks (PTSD) to childhood, so had to impose some heavy limits. That is what anyone with a narcissistic personality disorder parent has to do or they will suck the life out of you. They use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt - thanks cmag) to manipulate you. There is a website for "daughters of narcissistic mothers" and I have found it useful. Just google that phrase. The main thing is to set limits or boundaries that work for you and stick to them. My mother must be right all the time and sucks in other people to support her -everything is a battle and she must win. The only way I survive this is to detach emotionally, grieve the mother I never had, and see that she has what she needs in basic care, but not give in to her every whim. You are not responsible for her happiness - or unhappiness. Mother feels people owe her too - especially me, but I don't agree. I have children and do not have that sense of entitlement. It is part of the disease.
#1 Look after yourself. You have a lot of issues and need time and energy and space to deal with them
#2 Detach emotionally - counselling may be helpful for that -also a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like the website
#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her.
#4 Know that when you set boundaries she will test them, and her behaviours may escalate. Be prepared and stand firm and by all means go back to work though she will do what she can to prevent that and make herself the center of your existence. Resist those efforts.
#5 Pat yourself on the back for having survived the trauma of having a narcissistic mother

They need attention (narcissistic supply) - and it is more about that than anything else I think - to be the center of your universe. If you do not give it to her she will find it somewhere else eventually. Have your brother read this too - he needs to for his own protection.

I have peace as mother has what she needs (even if not what she wants) and I have protection for myself by detaching and distancing emotionally. I don't think you will get peace without the protection. You also have to let go of any fear, guilt and obligation. and know you have done what you, in your own eyes, think is right for her and for yourself. You are as entitled to your best efforts as she is - at least!
God luck and come back and let us know how it is going. ♥ Joan