Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?
When raising my kids, I had a beautiful poster that had a lovely picture of Noah’s Ark in my home.
I love art, so I was attracted to the lovely image of the huge ark with all of the animals. I also love nature and was attracted to the beautiful depiction of the animals but what made me buy the poster was the message of the inscription on it which was, “We’re all in the same boat...So, let’s keep it afloat!” How true, right? I framed the poster and I loved it.
The message resonated with me deeply. I used it as a visual image to relay to my children that we were a team.
I raised my children to know that parents and children need to work together.
It’s also how I am desperately trying to make this current group of people who are caring for my elderly mom succeed as a team which consists of myself with doctors, nurses, rehab facilities, home health, social workers, family members, whoever is involved in caring for her as a team.
I am finally accepting that I simply cannot do everything alone for mom and relaying that to her as lovingly and best as I can.
Parents rely on us just as our children did and while it’s very similar in one way, it’s vastly different in other ways.
It takes awhile for some of us to catch onto this message. Many of you tried to explain this to me!
Sometimes we miss things due to being overwhelmed, afraid to feel we failed after trying so hard, maybe even some pride, whatever the case may be...who knows?
It’s trial and error. It’s individual and has to be tailored to our own needs. There isn’t always a simple solution to things. There are so many variables.
Kids and elderly parents are sometimes impatient, can be demanding, stressful and exhausting.
I sometimes feel that aging parents actually expect more than our young kids did. Seems like we are able to explain things more easily to children than aging parents. Some parents have extremely difficult challenges, special needs. Some caregivers have the same with ALZ.
We needed breaks from our kids which made us better parents in the long run in order to be refreshed and refueled. The same is true for caregivers of the elderly. One huge difference for me is that we ourselves are getting older and have our own concerns with health, finances, etc.
What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how others feel. Where am I on point and where am I off base?
All answers are welcome, not just deep thinkers like me, be sarcastic if you wish. I have those days where I feel like I don’t give a rat’s a**! Be funny if you like, some things elderly people do make me crack up, even if it’s sad. Some caregivers are extremely funny. A sense of humor is important. Be sweet and melt my heart.
Answer any which way you like. In other words, just be yourself. Be sincere.
Also, how do others feel about outside support, professionals who care for the elderly? Do you feel it’s a calling for some?
Or do you feel it has become more of a ‘money making’ business? Let’s face it, aging care, just like child care for working parents has become a huge ‘profitable’ business for most. From what I have seen there aren’t near as many ‘non profit’ companies.
I know that I have tons of questions. Just chime in where you feel you would like to contribute to the discussion. Thanks!
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As to the comparison to caring for children? Yes. They are bigger and strong and in more danger quicker and more easily, but otherwise often they are much like children. And I see people playing into their demanding antics as though they were really children. A woman posted she was daily going to the store for her Dad who was addicted to popsicles and very angry if he didn't get them.
The other thing is that, for those of us who raised children, perhaps we could come to some consensus that nothing on earth makes you feel so inadequate and so guilty as raising kids. UNLESS it is caring for our elders. Enjoyed your post so much. So much food for thought. So interested in seeing other's opinions.
What a great response and thanks for pointing out the change in hospice. This is important for all of us to note.
Children learn and their horizons expand - elders diminish and their horizons are shrinking
When little Sally trips and falls you pick her up and kiss her booboo. When an elder falls getting them off the floor is a major event, and they may be severely injured
Changing an adult diaper is nothing like changing a child.
With your little ones you can look forward to the day they are finally potty trained
Little kids are easily portable, if you need to go out you just pop them in their car seat. Planning and executing trips outside the home with a frail elder is difficult, if not impossible
Most babies are sleeping through the night before their first birthday
You (almost) never have to make the agonizing choice to have your child live in a residential facility
Our elders have their own life history that includes being a competent person in control of their own fate, few give up that control willingly
When your toddler has a tantrum sure it's distressing, but when an elder has a tantrum you may need to call 911 because they have the size and strength to do harm
Sorry for the rant, but you get the idea.
Caring for children was a littler easier, at least when they were really young. Dh and I decided almost everything for them, certainly the big things: where they would live, what they would eat, with whom they would associate, daily schedules, etc.
Adults who begin needing assistance sometimes don't consider that they need to compromise and let some things go so their children (or whomever) can help them without completely abandoning their own lives.
I don't necessarily agree that "professionals" who care for old people are in it for the money. The corporations who own multiple facilities obviously are in business to make a profit. (I'm an American and a capitalist, so I am in favor of running a business to make a profit, though I think this should be balanced with doing what is right.) Probably some of the hands-on caregivers see their jobs as a calling, but the workers I see often seem like they perhaps aren't educationally qualified for other jobs. Likely some of them are happy and feel useful in their work, but I suspect if they could be Directors of Marketing for Acme Inc., they wouldn't be working in nursing homes. (I also don't see child care as being a big money maker. Maybe I'm wrong.)
My experiences with my mother -- realizing her precarious financial situation and slogging through the lengthy process of getting her out of a house she couldn't afford following my father's death -- have given me much food for thought.
I know that preparing for old age starts in middle age. It's not just about decluttering/rightsizing, saving money, and purchasing LTC insurance (though all of those are important). It involves developing a realistic attitude. If I live longer, I will get "old". I won't be able to do what I can do now. I won't have the energy or strength to handle a big house, a menagerie of critters, or complicated financial matters at six different banks. I need to do what I can to make things simpler for my children who, I hope, will help me as needed.
If I'm alive into my eighties, I hope to be realistic about when and where I should move so I can live as independently as possible. I now see that I can either decide for myself ahead of time, or that the decisions will be made for me, probably following a crisis of some kind... and I may not like what others decide.
If I am going to be child-like as an elder, I hope to be a "teenager" who has prepared and has done what she could to put the buttons on her affairs so those caring for me can oversee and manage without having to fight with me every step of the way.
Great points! I really liked reading what you had to say. Love the comparison to teens! Yes, my mom has had that attitude as well. Thanks for your insightful post.
At least when you have children, you have a general timeline of what to expect as they grow through different stages. The terrible twos, etc. Not so much with elders, it changes from day to day and sometimes it's life or death stuff. Not fun.
Absolutely! Those are major differences. Thanks for pointing that out. I totally agree. That being said, I had a caregiver coming for awhile that was young (18 years old) and I thought to myself, “What could this young lady possibly know about caregiving? How did the agency hire her?” Boy, was I wrong in doubting her!
So I politely asked her how and why she chose this line of work? She replied, “My neighbor did this work. I used to babysit her kids often and felt I could do a great job. She knew I was saving for college and asked me if I wanted to apply because they were hiring so I thought, well older people are just larger babies. I applied, got the job and I love it!” Mom loved her! She was funny, played cards with mom. Made fun snacks for mom and indeed did a great job so I guess it depends on the person’s individual perspective on it. Interesting, huh?
As far as kids being portable you are exactly correct as you are correct on the other topics too. Thanks for responding to my post. Appreciate it.
Really good point about us dying first! Sadly, it happens.
You can pick up and move with a child and they have to go, whereas seniors are settled, set in their ways, and legally entitled to live where they want. No matter how much easier or better it would be for you or your family your ability to pursue other life interests simultaneously, you just can't move them. They have to agree, and generally won't.
And, as others have said, senior expect to be catered to a lot more than kids do. Kids know their parents are in charge. Parents have a lifetime of being in charge and think they should continue to be in charge. So it's a power struggle every day, in some cases (like mine).
Not the same, in any way. BTW, I don't have children. So I got the Mom.
It’s hard. No matter if we have raised children or not. You have the toughest job. As you can see, even those of us who have raised kids firmly believe caring for the elderly is harder.
Sadly, because of the mental impairments our elderly parents endure and the physical limitations of disease can oftentimes wear us down to a frazzle as we deal with finances, sibling disagreements, our complicated medical system, meds, caregivers, stubbornness and the heartache that comes with our LO's decline. Even with those "off days" with the kids, you know tomorrow will be better. With our elders hope diminishes and eventually fades away.
I never had children myself, but I can't imagine this anticipatory grief raising a child.
It does take a team to help raise kids. If you think about it, we rely on teachers to take care of our kids for 6-7 hours a day. I know a lot of parents who rely on extracurricular activities as another form of child care or a way to get a break from their kids (sports, theater, girl
scouts/boy scouts, karate, music and dance lessons). Family is also expected to help with the kids. I don’t think you can raise a child alone, whether you realize or it not, there’s a team helping you. And you are watching your child grow & flourish, you are preparing them to go out into the world on their own.
With aging parents, again it usually takes a team—it takes hired caregivers, family members, doctors & specialists. It is harder because although the roles reverse in some ways, you don’t have full control over your parents, you can’t make them do things the way you can make a child do it.
With children, little by little you are giving them independence. With an aging parent, little by little you are watching them lose their independence. It is easier for me to give my kids independence than it is to see my mom losing hers because it means she’s just that much closer to leaving this earth.
With aging parents, you are basically preparing for them to leave this world. There are no hopes and dreams, like there are when you are raising kids.
So while i agree, there are a lot of similarities, raising kids and taking care of elders is not the same and raising kids is easier. You can’t compare changing the diaper of a 1 year old to changing the diaper of a 90 year old. It is just not the same. Not physically and not mentally. The smells aren’t even the same. And the only people who seem to think it i the same, don’t have kids, go figure!! You can make a 6 year old get dressed and get in the car but you can’t force a grown adult to do that. It is much easier to get a child to comply than an adult.
The rebellion of the elderly is so much like the rebellious stage of a teenager! It amazes me how the elderly totally lose their filter and say whatever the hell they please. That’s when it helps to have a sense of humor when applicable.
Thanks so much for pointing this out because it is exactly how I feel. Just knowing the end is coming, especially with a progressive disease like my mom has, causes quite a bit of anxiety.
Here’s where it vastly different for me. I have a son with disabilities. He’s 15 and will live with me until one of us dies or I become too incapacitated to do so. I’ve recently decided to homeschool him as well. AND I WILL HAPPILY DO IT! Because that’s my son, my baby. It’s taken a massive village to get him to this point, will continue to need that village. I would take his daily life of screaming hours-long meltdowns, not sleeping, getting into everything before the diagnoses and therapies....than take my father back in. Because that’s my baby!
I’ve been questioned why I would choose to take on my son’s homeschooling and lifetime care after finally getting my dad out of my caretaking purview. Again, he’s my baby, I would happily take care of him to my last breath. Yes, it’s a lot of work even with a child with disabilities, but I made him, carried him, nursed him. He’s so sweet and so fun.
I will never care for any other adult than my son ever again. Maybe I’m just not cut out for elder care.
And, generally, kids know they aren't adults, with adult control of money, life choices, etc... So often, elders have to gradually give up various things they have been doing for years, as competencies decline. Denial, big time, of the new reality.
1. Their boss is NEVER there to see what they do, or don't do, not even on their first day.
2. If there's no adult child around, it's a completely autonomous and relatively unmonitored job situation.
3. most likely there will be free food
4. often there is free wifi
5. often there is cable tv and time to watch it
Kids become independent, elders rely on us more and more.
Etc etc
But I never had children and taking care of my loved ones was not a chore for me and while it was a responsibility, it was no more a responsibility than taking care of a child. The roles become reversed with the elderly and I was glad to be able to give back some of the love that I had received as a child.