When raising my kids, I had a beautiful poster that had a lovely picture of Noah’s Ark in my home.
I love art, so I was attracted to the lovely image of the huge ark with all of the animals. I also love nature and was attracted to the beautiful depiction of the animals but what made me buy the poster was the message of the inscription on it which was, “We’re all in the same boat...So, let’s keep it afloat!” How true, right? I framed the poster and I loved it.
The message resonated with me deeply. I used it as a visual image to relay to my children that we were a team.
I raised my children to know that parents and children need to work together.
It’s also how I am desperately trying to make this current group of people who are caring for my elderly mom succeed as a team which consists of myself with doctors, nurses, rehab facilities, home health, social workers, family members, whoever is involved in caring for her as a team.
I am finally accepting that I simply cannot do everything alone for mom and relaying that to her as lovingly and best as I can.
Parents rely on us just as our children did and while it’s very similar in one way, it’s vastly different in other ways.
It takes awhile for some of us to catch onto this message. Many of you tried to explain this to me!
Sometimes we miss things due to being overwhelmed, afraid to feel we failed after trying so hard, maybe even some pride, whatever the case may be...who knows?
It’s trial and error. It’s individual and has to be tailored to our own needs. There isn’t always a simple solution to things. There are so many variables.
Kids and elderly parents are sometimes impatient, can be demanding, stressful and exhausting.
I sometimes feel that aging parents actually expect more than our young kids did. Seems like we are able to explain things more easily to children than aging parents. Some parents have extremely difficult challenges, special needs. Some caregivers have the same with ALZ.
We needed breaks from our kids which made us better parents in the long run in order to be refreshed and refueled. The same is true for caregivers of the elderly. One huge difference for me is that we ourselves are getting older and have our own concerns with health, finances, etc.
What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how others feel. Where am I on point and where am I off base?
All answers are welcome, not just deep thinkers like me, be sarcastic if you wish. I have those days where I feel like I don’t give a rat’s a**! Be funny if you like, some things elderly people do make me crack up, even if it’s sad. Some caregivers are extremely funny. A sense of humor is important. Be sweet and melt my heart.
Answer any which way you like. In other words, just be yourself. Be sincere.
Also, how do others feel about outside support, professionals who care for the elderly? Do you feel it’s a calling for some?
Or do you feel it has become more of a ‘money making’ business? Let’s face it, aging care, just like child care for working parents has become a huge ‘profitable’ business for most. From what I have seen there aren’t near as many ‘non profit’ companies.
I know that I have tons of questions. Just chime in where you feel you would like to contribute to the discussion. Thanks!
Amen! A few cartwheels too!
Wow! Just wow. You are a SAINT!
Also, it's easy to diaper a 20-pound toddler - but difficult to diaper a 170-pound adult male.
Complicating the issue is that when our parents become elderly and require care, we may be in senior-hood ourselves facing our own health concerns. (I've known a lot of 70-year-olds caring for parents in their 90s.)
I'm taking care of my 57 year old sister-she has cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy (toxins have gone to the brain because the liver doesn't function/filter right.) We are 10 years apart and she pretty much raised me. I feel very overwhelmed with the situation. I never thought I would be taking care of my sister this way. I have to remember that what's done is done. I can't continue to be angry and disappointed. We take it One Day at A Time and make the most of the time we have. There is a reason I am taking care of her! I'm doing everything to allow her to live with as an adult with dignity and respect and allowing her to be involved with decisions when she is able. I will continue to stay positive and for her the best way I can. It's very hard to see a sibling dying; I feel it is more expected with a parent.
Try to remember it is very hard and stressful taking care of them-but they also took care of you :)
They make loud tactless comments in front of strangers "look how fat that lady is!" that embarrass the daylights out of you - especially when you know that they know better. They order food in restaurants they have no intention of eating, resulting in a doggie bag that you eventually throw out because they don't like leftovers. They leave things in public places that necessitate a flying trip back to get those items - with kids its a blankie or stuffed animal, with the adults its a purse, eyeglasses or cane.
They will pick an argument just for the fun of it, shooting down every bit of logic you come up with. They will demand to go places with you even though you know they won't enjoy it and have no interest in it and you'll end up having to leave the place earlier than you wanted because "they're tiiiiirrrreeeddd." No temperature is right for them - kids are too hot, elderly are too cold. If you even TRY to verbally correct them, some do-gooder who has never had the pleasure of dealing with either children or the elderly will accuse you of heartless abuse. They always get hurt after you've told them a million times not to put their fingers there, or walk there, or reach for something over head. Parades, movies, and fireworks displays are a nightmare because someone taller never fails to sit directly in front of them and they "caaaannn'tttt seeeeeee!"
Anyone else rolling their eyes and sighing right now?
But I love the staff at my mother’s ALF. She’s been in an independent facility ( good also but not as challenging for them) , rehab( mostly awful, refused to give us information or listen to anything we told them, definitely oriented towards in for the money) a respite care( only in it for the money, extremely understaffed, refused any communication, took some of her meds ie horror story although her actual aides were gems even though forced to work double shifts daily)
i think it starts at the top. This ALF has a philosophy that” this is the residents home, we serve them if you don’t agree get another job.” At first I was skeptical, but so far ( 6 months and lots of turmoil from mother) they have gone over and above. I have never been treated with an attitude, even though due to her dementia some weeks I have to call them almost daily for something. They are wonderful not only to the residents but also know ALL the family including the grandkids and great grandkids by Name!!! I don’t know how they do it. They also are willing to keep her in ALF instead of Memory Care as long as possible which is less money and more work for them. I know some places would place her there now, instead they apply some of the same techniques but in ALF. She seems to be doing as well as can be expected with her set of circumstances.
So yes, I think it’s a calling to some but I think it starts at the top. It’s a huge money making industry but imo their dedication to a caring philosophy is of major importance.
Now the kicker, my mother has NPD so only admits she likes it to the staff and my daughter. I’m the black sheep and do not let her manipulate me so she barely acknowledges my existence unless she needs something and does not confide in me. She cries and moans to my mostly absent sister and brother but that’s to manipulate them . My sister (NPD as well), thinks the place is overpriced( it’s a few hundred more) But pretty much anyone in a service industry is dirt to her so I kind of figure it’s her personality rather than legitimate complaints. My brother could not care less as long he can pop in for an hour every few weeks and he does not have to do anything else lol. So some definitely have it in them, some don’t
Yep, they do act childish, kind of like a second different sort of senior citizen childhood. I sincerely hope I die before I hit that point in my life. I get so scared that my kids will view me like that and it really depresses me. I don’t want them to be burdened by me.
Wow! Great response! Love it!
I agree. It’s the hardest part, watching them suffer, you said it so well...gut wrenching! Best wishes to you. Hugs!
I am a 63 year old southern lady from New Orleans. Married over 40 years to a great guy, two grown daughters, caregiver to mom with Parkinson’s.
Aging care in Mom's last SNF impressed me with their attention to her needs. She was always practical and settled in really well. Not once did I hear "when can I come home?" after her first admission into the hospital concluded.
With Spouse, and leaving out emotional issues, the physical issues of handling a 235 pound person are far different than wrestling with a noncompliant child of 40 pounds. I can't do it.
It’s tough. Very tough! I brought flowers and restaurant gift cards to hospice staff after my brother died to show my gratitude to them.
Hardest jobs ever, no matter who does it, if its home care or facility.
Mom was just in SNF for rehab and they are short staffed and many work double shifts. I couldn’t do it. They care for many different people with all kinds of issues. Whew! Very demanding!
I am a single mother of 3 girls and he is far more challenging than they ever were. They try to please me whereas he tries everything in his power to prove my lack of worth and to show that he is still "in charge". With children you can re direct or talk to them. There is no reasoning with him or talking to him even though he is extremely spoiled.
I have those issues with mom too. Almost like a one upping deal. Hard for them and hard for us.
I ssoo understand about cold coffee and warmed over meals...until recently. Had to make some changes.
Of late I have not started my 81 year old Mothers wake up and routine until I take a little time for me.
I was putting every bit of my effort into 110% care.
Warn out and almost weary with it all...I just said that if this is going to work I would have to find a balance. Started with a schedule change.
Coffee...then wake Mom up...
Moms feedings 9am...1pm...snack 3pm...supper 6pm. Scheduled my meals 30 minutes before hers except supper which I try to never miss with my husband.
For almost 7 years I have pretty much put Mom first...but after reflecting on how it has effected me and my relationship with my
husband I knew I would have to
tweek schedules and review new ways to give quality care and keep a balance at 61 years old.
So far so good and Mom is still getting 100% good care...and I get to keep my hair.
Just had to take that first step away from feeling GUILTY, revamp schedules and keep telling myself that if I don't take care of myself...who will I be able to care for? Nadda no one.
Of course there are times where Mom has to come first in some occassional circumstances but that is to be expected. It's a given.
But where I can control my time I do now.
And what a huge change in my life as a caregiver it has made.
I pray you are in a situation where you can put yourself first when you can for your own wellbeing friend.
Take care!
My 5 kids all GREW UP AND LEFT HOME. Married, educated, intelligent and thoughtful people. I have 14 gorgeous grands whom I take care of as much as I want to--I have been a huge part of their growing years (7 are still quite young) and I also have been hands on with 3 aging parents. There is no real way to compare.
I had energy in my 20's and 30's---now in my 60's I have much less. I can still do what needs doing, but taking one of the "families" for a few days alone is daunting. Trying to help out care for my FIL, dad and now my mother---it's apples and oranges. For one thing, as mouthy as my kids could be--I was still mom and firmly in charge. And when I am with the grands, I am Nonny and still firmly in charge. With my mother---forget it. She's often angry and petulant and VERY manipulative. And while my kiddoes were essentially 'raised' and smart enough to make decisions and be trusted by the age of 8 or so, I've been dealing with mother for 63 long years. Sometimes OK and even fun, but I am tired of her, and she's sick of me.
I imagine it's different for everyone. You really cannot control to a great extent, how gracefully you age, but you can try to not be a PITA for your kids.
Personally? My experiences have been 100% that caring for a aging elder is not even in the same ballpark as caring for a child.
I do feel like mom is helpless like a baby at times.
Although my mom is in a care facility, I've occasionally had to help her with toiletting, ie. when she is at a doctor's appointment. One day she mentioned how she hated that she was having me have to help her with this. I simply replied, mother I'm sure there were a hundred more time when you helped ME with this when I was little. We had a good laugh.
That’s just sad. That had to be hard on you. We all have unique circumstances.
I said no, they can weigh her when they come if they want because they are better qualified at handling the falls due to being medical professionals. We have enough bills for ambulance rides to the hospital from a fall, but most importantly I don’t want mom to become seriously injured from a fall due to her trying to balance on a home scale! Doesn’t make any sense to me. Her weight stays relatively the same anyway. She’s tiny.
Yes, there are similarities in the work and strategizing but caring for an elder is sooooooooo much more complicated.
They have driver's licenses.
They have cars.
They have check books.
They have credit cards.
They can use the phone--often.
They have legal rights as adults.
They can call lawyers and say they they need representation. (OMG! That almost happened to me when my mother was looney.)
They can completely misunderstand situations but sound perfectly rational when talking to: the police, the area agency on aging, the Elder Day Care, ahem, a lawyer....
In our case, I saw the handwriting on the wall and I went to the police first and told them that my mother, who insisted that I drive her car, would probably call and say that I had stolen her car. She did that very thing about three months later. But they had all the information on their little hand-held computer. All was well. If I had not told them in advance????? Then what?
Bottom line: Caring for ANYONE is a big deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big responsibility! No matter the age!