Hello, I am so glad to have found this forum! It is great. My question is this....back in August this year my husbands great aunt had a fall. And some other health problems. She spent nearly 2 months in a NH, she is 93. Well, ever since August I had to quit my job. Being I was at the NH twice a day cause she wouldn't eat the food...then when she went home..she lives alone...I am there mon thru Fri for 6-7 hours...I have help that comes in for 3 hrs in the morning to get her breakfast, helped dressed, washed, etc...plus my husband and I go on the weekend for a few hours..I have help on the weekend for 6 hours. She spends the night by herself as she has a bedside potty...my question finally is am I doing too much? My husband has a brother and wife but they do not help at all. My aunt has a nephew in another state and they do nothing plus my husband has two cousins who don't help either. My mom and close friends say I should be having help come in so I can take a day or two "off"....I haven't had a day "off" since that day back in August....she does pay me as she also pays the help that come in. I just feel so guilty if I were to take time off and I want to know how and what I can do to make it easier on myself. I have one friend to talk to who is a nurse and understands what I feel but other than that I feel completely alone. Any advice would be so much appreciated :-)
Obligation and guilt are two feelings that caregivers often have. We can't turn them off, but we also have to consider our obligations to ourselves. From your user name and what you wrote, you appear to be a young woman who has postponed a career to take care of husband's great aunt. If this is something you wanted to do, you are indeed wonderful. But even wonderful people need some time off. Maybe you can figure out how much respite time you need and work with the other relatives so that you can have your time. Please let us know how it goes.
My first advice is to forget about what other family members -- cousins, nephews, whatever -- are doing. You cannot control their choices. You have enough to deal with just trying to figure out your own choices. Give up the resentment -- not that it isn't justified, just that it isn't productive and drains energy you can use for other things.
One aspect of this situation is financial. I am certainly glad that you are getting paid. Give up the guilt about that, please. If she can afford to pay for her own care, give her that dignity, please. I don't know if you gave up a job flipping burgers or as software engineer. How does what you are earning as a caregiver compare to what you were earning on your job? With this "job" you are no longer earning SS credit. Did you have a pension or retirement fund on your last job? Life insurance? Health insurance? Consider the whole package of what you had before and what you have now. Are you and your husband planning to help your son with higher education? How does this change impact that?
Your husband's great-aunt has lived into her nineties. That is becoming more and more common. How are you and your husband going to support yourself in your seventies and eighties and nineties? Has giving up your job impacted your ability to save for your own old age?
Yes, it is good she is paying you. Do consider all the financial ramifications of giving up your job to take care of her. If she continues to need care for, say, another six years, can you afford to keep doing this?
Your schedule does revolve around hers. You do run two households. That's reality. But, here's a newflash (and it is kind of uncomfortable) -- she needs care but it doesn't always have to be YOUR care. I know as caregivers we tend to believe that nobody can take as good care of our loved ones as we do, and that may be literally true. But other people can provide excellent care, too. Let your husband go alone on weekends! Surely he is articulate enough to explain your absence without making her think she is a burden. Take days off. Absolutely! Respite is essential to caregiving. Both of you take one weekend off a week, to do family things or couple things. Remember, this could go on for years. Pace yourselves.
Are there tasks that your husband could take on, such as paying the bills? Would that help a little?
Caregiving is a very hard job, and anybody doing a hard job is apt to complain now and then. This is a great place to come and vent. We understand that complaining does not mean you don't have great love for the person you are caring for.