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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom got very nasty. I think as she was nearing the end of life there were two things going on.
One was she was frightened about what was happening to her. Ultimately she was getting older and would die. The other thing is that she was losing the ability to control her environment, so it was one way for her to try to get what she wanted.
It often stung me. It also stunned me that she would be nastiest with me... the person who was there to help her the most. Strangers in shops, in the hospital, at the library ... all thought she was just lovely. Except the occasional waitress who didn't bring her food fast enough. She let the waitress know when she was not pleased.
All I could do was gather my calm and sit down and talk to her. I'd ask her if she realized what she had done. I would ask her if she liked what she did or was she disappointed in herself. I'd ask why she thought she might be doing it. She got thoughtful and tried to recognize what she was doing. Some times she would try to be better, but she never really got a grip.
She was still much, much nicer to my siblings who only visited her rarely and still snipped at me ... until the very last week she was alive.
The Sandy Storm was approaching and that week we had a lovely time together. She was mostly nice ... we made dinner together, I gave her a manicure and bought her favorite pizza. She was afraid I would leave her, but I assured her I would not leave.
Then one morning she didn't wake up and although I was far from perfect, I was and always will be glad that I did the best I could by her.
Wishing you well. I'm confident you will find the best path for you!
Ha! I'm sitting right across from satan at the moment. So there must be alot of them. I thought she worked alone. She has no friends and no family left wants to deal with her. She hates EVERYONE!! We went for blood work and her comments OUT LOUD would blister paint..fat people.. stupid people.. slow people...etc etc. Her neighbors run and hide. oh yes BITES the hand that feeds her. She smacked her sister yesterday cause her sister was patiently trying to explain something to her that she had screwed up. Luckily I have addicted her to candy crush so there's that bit of silence. I was debating buying the infinity lives for $90 cause... seriously.. I need it. She is too irritated with life to work anything electronic like computers. Calling her satan helps SO MUCH. I text my friends all day and tell them satan's hilarious antics. She is staying for a month. BECAUSE these types of people will push and push and push your buttons til you do anything for relief. As demented as this one is she has made it her life goal to screw with me. She will fire anyone I get in to help her. She is learning the very very very hard way that she will have to clean up any messes she made. She screwed with her surgeon so bad that they took her drivers' license away. She messes with the washer, dryer, dishwasher, keeps opening the dishwasher while its running and says Oh this piece of junk is BROKEN cause look at all this water! or shuts off the washer while it's running and complains ALL OF YOUR THINGS ARE BROKEN and JUNK HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THIS. She thinks I am just plain scum. She was tested for neuro things, mild dementia was all. She was BORN like this though. She sticks her finger in my face ALOT, she also BURPS in my face all the time when she can get near me. THIS ONE will never live with me. She was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD personality disorder and tester said probably narcisstic PD ,she thought that the tester thought she was hot and hitting on her and was flirting so bad..sigh. It was gross to see. Diagnoses don't help much, maybe a few moments of pity then she burps in your face and opens your mail. HAHAHA Touche satan. I try and think of other things while she is talking/ordering me around. I don't even do what she says so maybe passive aggressive helps. She is always mad at me. Wants furniture moved around. So i'm constantly telling her no. Spent the morning looking for dirty silverware in my drawers. Did find a half used sugar packet in there so she was glowing with the accomplishment, FOUND IT satan. Had to put it up really close to my face so I could see it!! Gasp!! Good thing satan's on the job then. She has no hobbies, doesn't read, is very very type A hyper. Is always hearing sounds as in WHAT WAS THAT??? So I usually answer the grim reaper coming for you. So, HUMOR works here just for my own sanity. Also my wise neighbor taught me this fun trick to count 10 injustices. It really works I don't know why though. So say she says something nasty like your so fat because..I count that as NUMBER 1 (in my head) Then we spend the morning like that. Cause the next dig... is NUMBER 2. and the BRILLIANT thing is that you just ignore those first 10, No response, pretend you didnt even hear it. I'm usually silent but also after she gets a count I give her a thing to do like Oh I think you dropped a blueberry on the floor. Let her go searching for it for a while. So, once you get to number 10 you get to SAY something, even though it's about as helpful as shooting yourself in the foot. I try and say something funny like oh did someone piss rude in your coffee this morning? Probably not the best of plans but works pretty ok for me so far. I also have focused on counting how long it takes to get to the sets of 10. Concluded that she is WAY bitchier in the afternoons and first thing in the morning. She glues to TV in the evenings. She loves shows about crazy people like hoarders, so maybe she bonds there. She LOVES to say oh my GOD LOOK AT THAT CRAZY PERSON...hahahahahahahahahaha. So like right now she keeps hearing the dryer buzzer go off, it isn't but she's up every 5 min and is trying to get me in on this fun game. Cause WHY AM I SO LAZY COME HERE AND LOOK AT THIS DRYER. So do I count EACH TIME as one? OR is this whole dryer thing ONE? She has had an LVAD implanted for GODSAKES WHY?? so she really is dependent on others. and NO retirement community on the PLANET will take an LVAD person. She's too good for assisted at the moment. I'd personally like to drop her off at the surgeon's house....but that's another story.
Of course, many people are caring for elders who were always mean and nasty. There are lots of posts on here that are about exactly that subject. Often the topic is narcissism.
I always wonder WHY someone would bring mean and nasty people into their home. Care for them, certainly, but in a professional setting, where you can visit as often or seldom as you like, and leave if things get nasty. Advocating for a person in a care center is a serious job, takes time (especially for the "nasty" ones who can create a lot of drama), and certainly fulfilled any obligations. But that is my take, and I don't have mean and nasty elders in my life.
So the answer to your question is "yes, lots of people do this." The answer to my question, "why?", may be a clue as to how to tolerate this. Remind yourself often of why you chose to do this in the first place, and why you are continuing in that choice. That may help you get through the tough times.
Ah you took them in to honor your husband's memory, and it didn't work out as you planned. Call the VNA and get them aides, nurses, whatever you can. Talk to their MD about nursing home placement. Your duty to your husband does not extend all the way to this situation.
Yes. My faather-in-law passed two years ago, and now my mother in law is with us. It is causing a severe strain on the marriage. Not sure, I can hang in there. She asked me to leave my husband a week before our wedding, because she didn't think I was right for him. She probably doesn't remember that. She has two sons, and the other is not assisting us, and will not allow his mother to live with him because he says his mother is difficult and he has high blood pressure, and doesn't want the stress on himself or his wife. So, of course, most of the work falls to me. She has to have help to bathroom, and taking care of herself. i am sleep deprived. The most interesting thing is my husband does not validate my feelings of exhaustion. He says he goes as much as I do. Believe me, that is not possible, but who cares, it is his mother! I did not sign up for this. I have asked to seek counseling, but he does not believe in counseling, so I am left to cry in the middle of the night. I am sure I am not the only one with these issues, nor will I be the last. It helps to speak about this with someone. The signes were there, but I didn't heed them.
Dear Maria, sorry you have to deal with this, I have a Mom who fits the category, She is always worse when unhappy, and unhappy when not getting enough attention. I make her go to an adult day care program at our local sr center, she even has to ride the bus, pick up at her doorstep. Other people can give her attention & she treats them nicer. Also this year she finally moved to an adult family home, not an easy change but 4 months later I am getting my life back. Why do some people bite the hand that feeds them? I don't know, but I do believe we all deserve our own life.It is hard work letting go, but I did it, with help & encouragement from friends & family. I'm sending you my prayers.
Rational people have unexplainable feelings just as much as the irrational. And what looks and sounds irrational to you and I may not look the same to the person in the middle of it. Our feelings are our own. Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are. No one has the right to tell anyone else what they should or should not feel or do, or why. You have your reasons, based on feelings or not. You are the only one who has to deal with them, so look at what others have to say in that light. If you still feel an obligation, you must decide what you are morally and emotionally prepared to do. Did you develop strong bonds with her before the dementia? What is this relationship based upon? There is no dishonor regardless or your answer. God bles you for what you are doing. I will pray for you for resolution.
Just curious, HAPILARK, how old was your mother went she went to the adult family home? My mom lives with me.....has for two years....but is moving to assisted living in the next few months. I agree, I do believe we all deserve our own life and I look forward to getting mine back on track. I know it will be hard moving mom out but this is a move that must happen for her (more socialization for mom at AL) and for me (I'm just not cut out to be full time caregiver much longer and I'm not ashamed to admit it). For those of you who do it full time for relatives who need 24/7 care I applaud you....I really mean that.....but knowing my mom's current personality and how she will continue to progress both mentally and physically I know changes must be made. That and I have a teenager facing major surgery early next year......and this is my #1 priority. I need to be there for my child before, during and after surgery (and weeks of recovery).
Sorry if I sound like a broken record to those of you who have read my other posts..........It just feels good to let it out every now and then......I feel like I have a child in college (I do), a child in high school (I do), and a child in elementary school (my mom)...... :p
Marialake~My husband died in 1995 (age 40). My in-laws had no family or friends for myriad reasons. Father in law died in 2001. MIL has dementia and now cancer (92 years old). She is my children's grandmother. She gave birth and raised my soul mate. Don't judge thinking that it is either masochistic or magnanimous to bring in-laws into our homes. It is something that some of us have to do.
Suggestion: 1) I have joined a support group (mine is for grief but there are others for children of parents who have dementia) 2) Hospice has been brought in and have been SO supportive (God bless them) 3) I called my doctor and am taking anti-depressants 4) I do a lot of self-talk reminding myself that her anger has made her life difficult but I am not going to allow it to make my life hard 5) ultimately it is all about love...you have to love yourself and do what is right for you but if that means you feel compelled to take care of your in-laws then do exactly what you are doing...reaching out. Good luck my dear. Hang in there. Sending lots of positive, healing energy.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
One was she was frightened about what was happening to her. Ultimately she was getting older and would die. The other thing is that she was losing the ability to control her environment, so it was one way for her to try to get what she wanted.
It often stung me. It also stunned me that she would be nastiest with me... the person who was there to help her the most. Strangers in shops, in the hospital, at the library ... all thought she was just lovely. Except the occasional waitress who didn't bring her food fast enough. She let the waitress know when she was not pleased.
All I could do was gather my calm and sit down and talk to her. I'd ask her if she realized what she had done. I would ask her if she liked what she did or was she disappointed in herself. I'd ask why she thought she might be doing it. She got thoughtful and tried to recognize what she was doing. Some times she would try to be better, but she never really got a grip.
She was still much, much nicer to my siblings who only visited her rarely and still snipped at me ... until the very last week she was alive.
The Sandy Storm was approaching and that week we had a lovely time together. She was mostly nice ... we made dinner together, I gave her a manicure and bought her favorite pizza. She was afraid I would leave her, but I assured her I would not leave.
Then one morning she didn't wake up and although I was far from perfect, I was and always will be glad that I did the best I could by her.
Wishing you well. I'm confident you will find the best path for you!
I always wonder WHY someone would bring mean and nasty people into their home. Care for them, certainly, but in a professional setting, where you can visit as often or seldom as you like, and leave if things get nasty. Advocating for a person in a care center is a serious job, takes time (especially for the "nasty" ones who can create a lot of drama), and certainly fulfilled any obligations. But that is my take, and I don't have mean and nasty elders in my life.
So the answer to your question is "yes, lots of people do this." The answer to my question, "why?", may be a clue as to how to tolerate this. Remind yourself often of why you chose to do this in the first place, and why you are continuing in that choice. That may help you get through the tough times.
She asked me to leave my husband a week before our wedding, because she didn't think I was right for him. She probably doesn't remember that. She has two sons, and the other is not assisting us, and will not allow his mother to live with him because he says his mother is difficult and he has high blood pressure, and doesn't want the stress on himself or his wife.
So, of course, most of the work falls to me. She has to have help to bathroom, and taking care of herself. i am sleep deprived. The most interesting thing is my husband does not validate my feelings of exhaustion. He says he goes as much as I do. Believe me, that is not possible, but who cares, it is his mother!
I did not sign up for this. I have asked to seek counseling, but he does not believe in counseling, so I am left to cry in the middle of the night.
I am sure I am not the only one with these issues, nor will I be the last.
It helps to speak about this with someone. The signes were there, but I didn't heed them.
But Maria - "mean and nasty - and always was" (in your question)
WHY IN THE WORLD did you move your in laws into your home a good deal of time AFTER your husband passed away?????
Sorry if I sound like a broken record to those of you who have read my other posts..........It just feels good to let it out every now and then......I feel like I have a child in college (I do), a child in high school (I do), and a child in elementary school (my mom)...... :p
Suggestion: 1) I have joined a support group (mine is for grief but there are others for children of parents who have dementia) 2) Hospice has been brought in and have been SO supportive (God bless them) 3) I called my doctor and am taking anti-depressants 4) I do a lot of self-talk reminding myself that her anger has made her life difficult but I am not going to allow it to make my life hard 5) ultimately it is all about love...you have to love yourself and do what is right for you but if that means you feel compelled to take care of your in-laws then do exactly what you are doing...reaching out. Good luck my dear. Hang in there. Sending lots of positive, healing energy.
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