I had no mother for most of my life, she left me when I was young, just to reappear
six years ago needing care whilst she died. That was okay. Now my mother-in-law has moved into a nice facility near my husband and also near his brother. She has six children, the two men and then four daughters. None of the daughters do a thing, rare visits, if any. It is such a strain on our family as she wants us, or me, to drive the hour and and 1/2 at the drop of a hat. If I don't do it,
my nice husband will. The woman is very selfish, and I don't feel like a person when with her. My family is struggling financially, and while I don't expect her to help, it is hard to watch her spend so much money on luxuries, expect my son to
work for her, work on her house, and not consider paying him. This sounds petty I realize. Yet we, our small family, our fighting our way out of tough times, and we are going to make it. We treasure any bits of down time, that would be an evening every two months. I am recovering from late stage breast cancer. I guess the hardest part is that her daughters are content to do nothing, and this does effect me as I either have to go to her myself or see my tired husband drag himself out there. Yes, I have asked them to help. Don't I sound petty?
She complains and complains, yet her circumstances are quite nice. She was never a grandmother to my son. I must stop my complaining, I leave her feeling
de-personalized, de-moralized and weary.
I know how you feel regarding the net worth that your mother-in-law has, or so she says or projects... i ran into that with my parents. My parents could have easily hired people to do the work I was doing for them. That made me very resentful so I decided to set boundaries... no more running all over hill and dale because they wanted to get out of the house, just urgent doctor appointments now and to pick up groceries from the on-line grocery service.
There is a reason your mom-in-law's daughters don't help, it's because they know that you and hubby will go at a drop of a hat. Mom-in-law is going to complain anyway, so setting boundaries isn't going to change that except to give you and hubby more control.
Consider marital counseling, seriously. You surely have a right to know what is going on financially, if workmen are not being paid, because that could be trouble for the whole family. Even more, if her home is being remodeled, is there a plan for her to,return to it? With an assumption that you and hubby will do even more for her to keep her in it?
Also. What is the difficulty about her signing up for the facility's transportation service? Sounds ideal - praise it in her hearing and say "how wonderful to have your independence!"
My husband is very busy working to get us out of a deep financial hole, I am recovering from late stage cancer and must get back into the work place. She does not drive so the two brothers or her grandsons are her only resource for trips to the store unless she signs up for the transportation provided by the facility. Either I go or my husband will, and thus I loose the precious 1/2 a day I have with him, and see him so tired. I sound petty. Then, as I show you how truly shallow I am, it is hard for me to take her shopping for a $5000.00 mattress when, to my shame, I cannot pay for my son's much needed dental work. This is my character defect. Her constant complaints about the woman that does for her two hours a day don't help. As I write, I see that I am not so nice, yet I took care of my mother, who was not a mother to me. This woman was a mother, has some good qualities, and not a one of her four daughters comes to her. That is hard for me. Sorry.
If you want to change anything, stand your ground and refuse.
You write that MIL has moved into a "nice facility" - you mentioned working on her house, so presumably she's living in a single family residence.
Next time she wants him to do work on her house, find a local handyman, skilled laborer, tradesman in the field of repair, and let her know you've found someone who can do the work for her because your husband can't any more.
You write that she spends "so much money on luxuries" - is she still driving?
If she can't maintain the house, perhaps she should consider living in a facility where she has more support, such as AL.
Unless the two of you take a stand, this is going to continue indefinitely. You and your husband are the only ones who can effectuate a change by standing your ground.