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If you read the other threads you will probably realize she is narcistic and most likely you will not be able to change her -you may have to do what most of us who deal with a hurtful angery never happy always complaining always blaming other type of mother-detatch as much as you are able to do. Please tell us more but I bet I can peg her pretty well -I am sure you are not able to ever make her happy-it will drive you crazy trying to do so-please tell us more.
The more you give in to their negativity, the more it perpetuates it. If you can point out the good things in light of all the negative ones she sees, and if you do not respond to the negative comments out of being offended it will help to smooth things over ...sometimes. Depending upon whether you live with your elderly mother or not, sometimes the best thing to do is smile and just walk away. If you are only there for a short stint, then smile move on to things you need to do and let them vent and once they have, change the subject, help to "redirect" their thoughts. Much like children...you can use the method of redirection and it will work. Unless they have a tempermant to "beat a dead horse" then..you may have to just walk away cordially, but for your sainity sake. It ends up best for you and for them when you do not get pulled into their place of self pity or negativity. HELP them if possible to recognize the good things they have been given. Otherwise, just bless them and help with what you can, they won't be around forever so enjoy what you do have with them. Recalling good..old memories with them, pictures to help recall those "good times" can be a tool of redirection. Sometimes these things work. It all depends upon the situation. Remember, forgiveness is key, and when you forgive them you are allowing yourself to be cut loose from the situation and releasing them so they can deal with their own bad behavior. Hope this helps!
Forgiveness is a huge word and it means different things to different people. I worry when people who are being treated miserably are given the added task to "forgive" -- you may take it as an additional "failure" on your part if you can't figure out how the heck to do it. Sometime forgiveness is a RESULT of other processes, other perspectives -- not necessarily something you can just decide to do. No wonder it hurts -- nobody can hurt us quite like our mothers can. There's a lot you can do to understand better what's going on, so you can understand that what she says and does is in fact not information about your worth as a human being. Taking what she says ABOUT or TO you as being meaningful information is one source of hurt. In fact, it's information about HER. There's even a website called
Narcissistic personality...SO familiar with THAT ONE. Mom has been that way her entire life. The world has and always will revolve around HER and HER only. Nobody and I mean NOBODY is as important as she is. She made that clear when we were small and it continues today..she's 76. It never goes away. She complains about EVERY thing..always negative, NEVER positive..even when I redirect her. I could never, ever please her no matter what. I've always colored, cut and styled her hair and each time after I'd finish, I'd show her the mirror and ask, well...what do you think? Her answer was either 1. It'll do or 2. I don't like it. ...this after I'd spent almost 2 hours on it. I just got used to it a long time ago. They don't understand or know anything different other than negativity. She's been that way since she was a kid...it ain't going anywhere now. I would usually just say..well, thanks a lot, mom..I just spent 2 hours doing your hair exactly like you want it and don't even get a "thank you". THEN...she'd realize she didn't even say thanks and she would but it was kind of like pulling eye teeth. I walked away so many times. You HAVE to or it will drive you NUTTY...There is no changing them at this point in their lives.
just remember it is their problem not yours. Don't let it change who you are and don't dwell on what she says, just keep in mind that you would never treat anyone this way. It is remorse, regret and all of the other unfulfilled tasks that bother your mother ....don't even let it in...just zone out and nod....or buy an iPod.....when she sees you smiling and happy she may then realize that it is up to us to choose...happy or mad....
My mother moved in with me two months after my father passed away because she had never been alone in her life and also financial reasons. She was enabled all her life and as my brother would say, I have taken over the role. She is now 83 and extremely mean and hurtful with words. She has told me how bad a daughter I am, person, wife I was, a joke, stupid bitch, a slut in public....say no more. I have sacrificed my life to take care of her and recently lost my job to what I feel is stress related. Unfortunately she will not go to a nursing home, she is antisocial and has alienated herself. She can be so very nice and cheerful with others, and a totally different person around myself. Her anger and bitterness and hurtful words are there every day of my life and I have been tolerating this situation for the last three years. I took personal time to be with her when she had operations, doctor appts., anytime she needed me I was there. She is so hateful and resentful towards me now and it is really difficult to understand and rise above. Particularly when she can be so nice with others. The negativity is horrible, and each day I pray that it will get better. I am now 57 years of age and looking for work while tolerating this situation. I try to be happy and positive, but really inside I am a bundle of nerves ready to explode. My grandmother who lived with us growing up (her mother) was a completely different person. My mother has had mental issues since I was born but not diagnosed until I was a teenager. She had been hospitalized at least a couple of times and apparently I was the one to blame. I have grown up with some kind of inborn guilt and have always felt responsible for other people, in particular my family. There isn't easy solution to the situation and can only do the best possible. It would be nice to speak with a professional but it is so very difficult to get an appointment. So, sometimes it helps to vent with others who share the same problems and challenges, who understand the situation. God bless all of the children of elderly parents who have taken them in to care for them, a very difficult selfless task, a thankless job, yet hopefully when the end does come have found some peace and acceptance in knowing they did all they were able to do to help. A leader leads by example.
Boy! How these stories remind me of my mom before she died. I agree that she will never change. With my mom I just saw to her physical needs(food meds etc) and then walked away. Nothing I ever did was right even sneezing. (I was supposed to sneeze like a lady How do you do that?) I just walked away and had my own life.
You need to perfect the icy smirk. When they say something hurtful, just stare them down and curl you lip. There is a good chance they are already doing it to you. The other thing you can do is perfect some sort of condescending phrase that shoots them down and establishes your superiority & judgment for everything they like and enjoy; like "OH GOD!" with a disgusted tone, as if what they said about something nice, is equal to stepping in dog poo -- the more dramatic you can be, the better. You need to just mimic them most likely -- getting a taste of their own medicine is good therapy. Another tactic is to dismiss their feelings as things that don't matter, as if every little issue they have is a "snit" and you have much better things to do. I suspect she's gotten away with this behavior for a awhile. Make some drama out of it and show her that you can make waves too. You have to take back some of your power -- she thinks she can run you down and you will take it because you want to be a perfect daughter. Don't be a perfect daughter -- it's not paying off emotionally, is it?
Wayfarer your post makes me ask the question and use a word that I haven't seen very much in these posts and that is--when did they perfect the practice of intimidation? My cousin used that word once, laughingly in a conversation with me once years ago, when she said 'she really is quite intimidating, isn't she?' That was an understatement. I was beyond petrified of this woman from a little girl up until the time I let go, this past spring. Shake in your boots afraid. Of course, getting severe beatings may have played into my terror! By the way, my father adored me, would tell me he was proud of me, and never laid a hand on me.
You are not alone! As much as I love my Mom, there is no way to make her happy. I am always hearing, "just put me in a home somewhere" to which I usually answer " you won't be happy there, either!". All she does is complain. Her aches and pains, the weather, the food I cook, anything and everything! I have a negative streak myself, which I had never noticed but friends always pointed out. Well I had a good teacher! I suddenly realize where it came from. Mom could win the billion dollar lottery, and find something to complain about! The one though, that really hurts. " That's why I always wished I had had a girl!, You just can't help me like a girl would!" Since I was a child, all I ever heard was. "I always hoped I would have a girl, but instead I got you!" Trust me, that hurts when you are an only child!
Oh yes, I got the "put me in a home" thing when I was told that she can't plan for her future because it's too much for her little head. I am an only child too; I'm so sick of the manipulation, I prevented her from moving here and now she has to make decisions for her future. I have given her money and she has insurance for long-term care and if she cancels it, it's her problem. I just do not have the energy for her head problems anymore, with my own health problems to manage. My mother told me that it's "her job" to make my life more difficult. This was after my father's death, after my career burnout, after getting endometriosis and fatigue. Somehow, in her mind, my life was not already difficult enough. So I have decreased her role in my life. I don't care if people think I am not a good daughter anymore, in fact I have told our family about her behavior and I got no backlash. Don't let them back you into a corner -- they are not entitled to ruin your life just because they are you parent. If you are living with them, call a home and take them for tours -- make yourself options; you are not as obligated as you feel.
You will never fill their well of neediness you might as well give up trying-narcissic people think they are right and the rest of the world is wrong-how sick is that- learn to detatch and if you want to have them placed do it why should you give up your life for someone who does not even like you-so she will be alone-what else does she deserve.
Amen. I was just taking my mom the the doctor Wend and she got combative with me and I was so upset by the the time I got there I wanted to scream. What I did say was I wont be treated this way so we are through talking. I helped her out of the car and took her in but did not talk to unless needed. After 10 mins she became sweet and trying to make up. I kept is light and polite but dropped her off at her home, a duplex where my daughter is on the other side, and left. She called me later to apologize. When I talked to my husband about it his input was to do that when it starts and not wait till I was pissed off, good input. My daily reading yesterday was on to "Take Offence" the statement means that I take it and I also have the choice not to. It helped to keep me focused. Mom is uphappy and will always be that way, my job is to put a roof over her head and food in her month. I gave up trying to make her happy years ago, it almost killed me. With alot of support and meetings I dont take offence as often. My Dad told me long ago that my biggest problem would be wanting more for someone else than they want for themselves, and it still is. We do this one day at a time, know that you are not alone.
It sounds like many of us are in the same boat. I just got off the phone with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses). Once I explained my mothers mental illnesses, they were able to provide me with various associations and the numbers to call them. Many, if not all of you may want to contact your state NAMI number. Now I just have to get up the gumption to act upon it! At least I know now there are agencies that can and will assist me with the situation. I am not alone and reading these excerpts from all you let me know that as well.
So, it sounds like we all have negative, ungrateful mothers who drive us crazy. I've been there, done that, and finally came up with a way of dealing with it. I'm 65 now and I think I spent the previous 60 years trying to make my mother happy. She isn't a bad person, but she has always been one to not give compliments (she didn't want to make us big headed) and rarely showed gratitude for anything. Like most children, I wanted to please my parents and went out of my way to do special things and make/buy her gifts that I thought she'd like. Finally, about four years ago, I came to the realization that I would never make her happy and should stop trying. Sounds simple, doesn't it! When you get down to it, we can't make anyone happy but ourselves and we should stop trying. Do what is right and ethical, give what you can, and simply don't expect anything (including gratitude) in return. How do you do that? I've found the best way is to simply ignore the negative stuff and respond to neutral or positive stuff. It keeps me sane and she actually drops the bad stuff when she doesn't get the response she wants. Sometimes I think she is just bored and trys to liven things up by starting a fight. When that happens, I just don't respond with anger or become defensive, and she eventually gives up. This approach takes a little practice and a lot of will power, but I think you'll find it very effective. And above all, it lets you take the power back.
I can relate to most of the comments mentioned in the posts about moms being so negative. it happens to me quite often. I always feel bad and emotionally it gets to me . I wish that my mom would say something nice all the time. I had a friend who was helping me withy my caregiving, and she would say to me That she has never heard negative comments from her mother when she was growing up. Eventually I came to tolerate her meanness. "Honor thy mother and thy father" So I came up with this idea with my friend. When my mom was not feeling well she was quiet, sleepy, while recuperating . Therefore, that would be the only time I would not hear negative comments. Then when she felt better, negative comments would start pouring out of her mouth. We figured she was back to normal. I have accepted that mom is not going to change. I haves to change. When the comments begin hurting I give my self a few days away from NH. Somebody else offers goes to visit her on those days that I don't go. It's a very bad habit, a learned habit, and copied habit. it's how my dad treated her and now she has been treating others, especially me. It hurts and I don't condo e her excuses. The other day she says to me when I came to visit , referring to me being there, That's why I have high blood pressure and this headache. I brought Hera snack, (she was refusing it at the time and refused earlier her breakfast)I said the sooner you eat your snack the sooner you headache will go away( referring to me). She has told me to go home when I get there. Well I will be going out of town for two weeks. You always miss what you have when it's not around. She does better when I am out of town. I have to accept her neg comments and try not to overwhelmed me with hurt. "It's normal" take care of yourselves. You are all doing a great job. if your mom can't tell you often, sombody else will notice. Equinox
I can relate to you. I am also in this situation. Nothing pleases my mother. She has been with me almost two years and has not said a kind word about anyone or anything. Even though I can't please hher, she does nothing for herself. It is a constant stream of being negative. I have tried not to let this change me, but I am with her 24/7 almost 365 days a year. Noone visits her. I have 2 sisters and a brother. Once in awhile one of my sisters will bring her something to eat. That is the extent of my support system. When I have shown signs of frustration or voiced it there was a confrontation. So now I say nothing. I am definitely not the same person-very seldom smile, stay to myself and very little contact with friends anymore. It seems like I have the energy for nothing at all. I am going to a therapist. I have had one session. Hopefully, this will help. I, also, have my grown son with me, who, at this point is unable to contribute financially. He has been with me for over two years. Sometimes, all I want to do is go and never return. I find myself doing only the necessary for her. Otherwise, I stay away. I tried and I'm tired of trying. This is a heavy load. I pray for us all to survive it. Thanks for letting me vent.
all of you, start documenting everything. Get the agencies involved. You will need all the proof possible. Trust me, I lived it for over 23+ years. Then because I did not have it documented with others, another person was able to take over her car, money and personal possessions while living with me! I can now only wish I had listened to others and took it seriously. Upsidedown
I remind my mother that I have opened up my home to her and that she NO she can't walk around half naked in front of my husband and she can't wear short nighties and then sit on the couch with her legs spread apart. She wears bloomers now. If she really gets going I tell her to stop with the pity party. Most of it I have to ignore though...except the naked stuff....that I couldn't ignore :)
I have the same people pleasing issues mostly cause my mother too was never happy when we were growing up. My siblings are miserable people who give little support to my efforts. They wanted all the control or none of it.
I think if you take a course-which VNS give for no cost Medicare will pay for home care but I think the person has to be in a hospital for at least 3 days first-VNS would be able to tell you the details. Also since they have more money then they would be able to have for medicaide would they be willing to spend some on home care-that is what elders who have assests are expected to do these days-medicaide is not limitless and the money available for people to use has to go to those who do not have money of their own to pay for care. Another thing if need be he could be placed on medicaide pending and would have to spend down to the limit nessesary and then go on medicaide-that is just the way it is in this day and age-my mil did not want to spend her own money for care but we could not take care of her I worked and my husband's health was not good even though she told others I should have her live with us-she was very nasty to me all the years we were married up to that point and she did not deserve my help.
I never got paid for taking care of mom and still don't. I just think I "owe" it to her because she took care of me as a child....even tho she was torturous to sis and me..we survived. SIs has never had anything to do with caring for mom ...she's too self-centered and cares only for herself. I feel like it is my "duty" even tho mom abused me all through childhood and teen years. We didn't know back then that she had a mental issue. In reality, she probably never should have had kids..but as I said, sis and I survived and I still go to the NH three times a week and make sure mom has everything she needs and that they are NOT neglecting her as the other 5-6 NH did. I take care of her feet, hair, skin, clothes, take her to funerals, birthdays, out to visit, out for ice-cream, etc....with never a "thank you". I just feel it's my duty since the others sibs have never cared.
"Honor thy mother and thy father" comes from too much religion training and hangover from our voyage from Europe. If you have time, read Alice Miller's life work, especially "Thou Shall Not Be Aware" and "For Your Own Good".
Hello, I am Alex and new to the forums. You could all be describing my 68 year old stage 4 lung cancer mother. I have her in a "rehab" facility, but it is a nursing home. I have no room in my already cramped house with 4 hold under 18. I came here because of this exact question. Mom is vain, narcissitic, but on a level that could probably make even your heads spin. I came here seeking answers to the same question. You just do your best, mine is in denial about her situation, at least to everyone, but her brother and sister, who both live out of town and even MY MOM doesn't technically live in my town. She came up to see me to get out away from a nearly week long power outtages in her town following storms. When she arrived, she could barely get through the door. 2 days later she was hospitalized and has been here since. I have tried everything to be a good daughter, but have been resigned to doing the best I can and have to leave it there. I don't know how long she has...
Good Luck Alex. Remember that these personality and psych problems are THEIRS. Our problem is not letting them ruin everything for us, because we are compassionate & dutiful, and because we want to be good kids. Nothing wrong with us, other than not letting their misery poison us. Keep your head up and take care of yourself. She's with caretakers; you just need to make sure she's getting good care and you have done enough. You have your own household to keep healthy and non-toxic and that is something you CAN DO. You can't fix her psych issues, but you can prevent it from staining everything else.
Thank you Wayfarer1. Part of issue here is my house has enough drama. I lost my job caring for her, adding to our increased stress and added stress with mom.
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No wonder it hurts -- nobody can hurt us quite like our mothers can.
There's a lot you can do to understand better what's going on, so you can understand that what she says and does is in fact not information about your worth as a human being. Taking what she says ABOUT or TO you as being meaningful information is one source of hurt. In fact, it's information about HER. There's even a website called
...this after I'd spent almost 2 hours on it. I just got used to it a long time ago. They don't understand or know anything different other than negativity. She's been that way since she was a kid...it ain't going anywhere now. I would usually just say..well, thanks a lot, mom..I just spent 2 hours doing your hair exactly like you want it and don't even get a "thank you". THEN...she'd realize she didn't even say thanks and she would but it was kind of like pulling eye teeth. I walked away so many times. You HAVE to or it will drive you NUTTY...There is no changing them at this point in their lives.
She was enabled all her life and as my brother would say, I have taken over the role. She is now 83 and extremely mean and hurtful with words. She has told me how bad a daughter I am, person, wife I was, a joke, stupid bitch, a slut in public....say no more. I have sacrificed my life to take care of her and recently lost my job to what I feel is stress related. Unfortunately she will not go to a nursing home, she is antisocial and has alienated herself. She can be so very nice and cheerful with others, and a totally different person around myself.
Her anger and bitterness and hurtful words are there every day of my life and I have been tolerating this situation for the last three years. I took personal time to be with her when she had operations, doctor appts., anytime she needed me I was there. She is so hateful and resentful towards me now and it is really difficult to understand and rise above. Particularly when she can be so nice with others.
The negativity is horrible, and each day I pray that it will get better. I am now 57 years of age and looking for work while tolerating this situation. I try to be happy and positive, but really inside I am a bundle of nerves ready to explode.
My grandmother who lived with us growing up (her mother) was a completely different person. My mother has had mental issues since I was born but not diagnosed until I was a teenager. She had been hospitalized at least a couple of times and apparently I was the one to blame. I have grown up with some kind of inborn guilt and have always felt responsible for other people, in particular my family.
There isn't easy solution to the situation and can only do the best possible. It would be nice to speak with a professional but it is so very difficult to get an appointment. So, sometimes it helps to vent with others who share the same problems and challenges, who understand the situation.
God bless all of the children of elderly parents who have taken them in to care for them, a very difficult selfless task, a thankless job, yet hopefully when the end does come have found some peace and acceptance in knowing they did all they were able to do to help. A leader leads by example.
The one though, that really hurts. " That's why I always wished I had had a girl!, You just can't help me like a girl would!" Since I was a child, all I ever heard was. "I always hoped I would have a girl, but instead I got you!" Trust me, that hurts when you are an only child!
Eventually I came to tolerate her meanness. "Honor thy mother and thy father"
So I came up with this idea with my friend. When my mom was not feeling well she was quiet, sleepy, while recuperating . Therefore, that would be the only time I would not hear negative comments. Then when she felt better, negative comments would start pouring out of her mouth. We figured she was back to normal. I have accepted that mom is not going to change. I haves to change. When the comments begin hurting I give my self a few days away from NH. Somebody else offers goes to visit her on those days that I don't go. It's a very bad habit, a learned habit, and copied habit. it's how my dad treated her and now she has been treating others, especially me. It hurts and I don't condo e her excuses. The other day she says to me when I came to visit , referring to me being there, That's why I have high blood pressure and this headache. I brought Hera snack, (she was refusing it at the time and refused earlier her breakfast)I said the sooner you eat your snack the sooner you headache will go away( referring to me). She has told me to go home when I get there. Well I will be going out of town for two weeks. You always miss what you have when it's not around. She does better when I am out of town. I have to accept her neg comments and try not to overwhelmed me with hurt. "It's normal"
take care of yourselves. You are all doing a great job. if your mom can't tell you often, sombody else will notice.
Equinox
Upsidedown
are compassionate & dutiful, and because we want to be good kids. Nothing wrong with us, other than not letting their misery poison us. Keep your head up and take care of yourself. She's with caretakers; you just need to make sure she's getting good care and you have done enough. You have your own household to keep healthy and non-toxic and that is something you CAN DO. You can't fix her psych issues, but you can prevent it from staining everything else.