I just need to vent, and hoping someone will understand, or has the same type of situation.
My mother is 96, and has been having health issues for quite awhile now. She recently had another hospital stay, and is home now, but requires constant care. My sister is her main caregiver, but I help out because my sister is in her 70's.
Here is the issue. I truly do not like my mother. She is a nasty, manipulative, demanding, selfish person, and always has been! She does nothing but scream at us if we don't do what she wants, when she wants it, and we never seem to do anything right! She was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. She has mental issues, and she fakes many ailments to get attention. She treats my sister, her main caregiver, like trash and my sister just accepts it. I won't tolerate it, and if I speak up to my mother, my sister gets upset with me! I'm having some health issues of my own, and also have a daughter who has been ill for many years that I need to be there for. I am beyond stressed out with the pressures of it all, which makes my health condition worse due to high stress. My siblings, who live far away, also put pressure on me to help my sister more, while they get to live their lives!
I feel like a horrible person for resenting my mother, but I can't help it. She was never there for me, and emotionally and physically abused me when I was younger, and even though I went through therapy, I still cannot get past it. I look at her and feel disgusted. I dread going to take care of her, and I don't feel like giving up my life for someone who treated me so horribly. All I have is flashbacks of how I was treated as a child. I also can't stand my sister catering to her, and condoning her behavior. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for listening!
In my situation I did everything humanly possible to keep my mother home after she fell and broke her hip at the age of 89, gained about 50 pounds, developed a sleep disorder and severe depression and anxiety, only to find that she was far happier AND HEALTHIER, in residential care. Her 5 1/2 years in “her” nursing home were the best years of her prior 20 years alone in her own house.
IF your sister and you can agree, find out from your local Office of the Aging if you can have her tested for dementia.
If, as she might, she refuses an evaluation, trained geriatric specialists can actually determine useful information from the behavior they see.
Start a journal of her behavior when you are there. Try not to use emotionally charged language if you can. “Screaming” is a specific sound, so if she yells, swears, or talks in insults note that.
For yourself, consider her aberrant behavior as evidence, and as such, jot it down in your “behaviors journal” instead of reacting emotionally to it.
Whether you or your sister, NO CAREGIVER has “absorb abuse” as a requirement. Start thinking of a solution that will improve the lives of all THREE of you. Feel free to disregard comments from out of town sibs that don’t function as part of the solution you and your sister are working toward.
You are NOT alone.
Your sister is enabling her and making it worse for you. I would back out of the situation. Suggest if your sister needs help she should contact Medicare and sign on a Home Health Care aide because your health is suffering.
Tell sister its time for a home.
You know you must NOT take her into your home. Your first responsibility is to hubby. With your family grown, now is the time to retire and enjoy yourselves. That does NOT include being your mother’s servant and caregiver.
My mother passed away a few months ago. I'm now trying to make peace with her death and the fact that I will never get the answers or the apology that I long for. I did stay by her side until the end and told her how I felt, even though she was incoherent, and I have no idea if she could even hear me.
I do not have much contact with my siblings now. My sister let me know that she resents me for not helping more, and that she "almost" decided to cut me out of her life for good. I reminded her that I have been caring for a sick child for many years, have a serious health issue of my own and trying to hold down a job. I do not think it matters what I say, but she did open up about many of her own emotional issues with our mother. Very sad to say the least. I'm happy that she is now living her own life happy and stress free...she truly deserves it!
I feel for those of you who are going through, or have went through this situation. It leaves very deep emotional scars. Sometimes there will never be any answers. I do not want to be bitter for the remainder of my life, so I'm working towards forgiveness. God Bless all of you and thank you again for your kindness and support.
I like the idea of getting together with this sister and being honest with her. Your mother needs to be placed in a facility. The heck with what the uninvolved sibs say.
You can only make choices for yourself. Don't continue to allow yourself to be abused because your sister has made that choice. With any luck, SHE will also walk away from your mother!
it most definitely is not supposed to be this way. Your poor sister being in her seventies looking after this woman when she should well and truly doing her own thing
i agree. Time for full time care. Move her on. Document her behaviour and tell your siblings it’s put up or shut up time
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