I just need to vent, and hoping someone will understand, or has the same type of situation.
My mother is 96, and has been having health issues for quite awhile now. She recently had another hospital stay, and is home now, but requires constant care. My sister is her main caregiver, but I help out because my sister is in her 70's.
Here is the issue. I truly do not like my mother. She is a nasty, manipulative, demanding, selfish person, and always has been! She does nothing but scream at us if we don't do what she wants, when she wants it, and we never seem to do anything right! She was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. She has mental issues, and she fakes many ailments to get attention. She treats my sister, her main caregiver, like trash and my sister just accepts it. I won't tolerate it, and if I speak up to my mother, my sister gets upset with me! I'm having some health issues of my own, and also have a daughter who has been ill for many years that I need to be there for. I am beyond stressed out with the pressures of it all, which makes my health condition worse due to high stress. My siblings, who live far away, also put pressure on me to help my sister more, while they get to live their lives!
I feel like a horrible person for resenting my mother, but I can't help it. She was never there for me, and emotionally and physically abused me when I was younger, and even though I went through therapy, I still cannot get past it. I look at her and feel disgusted. I dread going to take care of her, and I don't feel like giving up my life for someone who treated me so horribly. All I have is flashbacks of how I was treated as a child. I also can't stand my sister catering to her, and condoning her behavior. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for listening!
Your sister is enabling her and making it worse for you. I would back out of the situation. Suggest if your sister needs help she should contact Medicare and sign on a Home Health Care aide because your health is suffering.
You say you have siblings who live far away. Well, THEY obviously aren't helping. I would ask each of them for a monetary amount equal to what a home health aide would cost to cover your part of the care. You already have your hands full with your health conditions and your sick daughter. Do NOT buy into any guilt put on you. Contribute financially, if you can.
Does your mother have dementia? If not, then you can't forcibly put her into a facility if she wouldn't want to go.
Your caregiver sister is coping by ignoring the verbal abuse and trying to keep the peace. That's her way of getting along. It's OK that YOU can't do that. Sis is able to live that way but don't feel bad that you can't. You shouldn't be taking care of someone that you find emotionally abusive. It wouldn't be good for you or your mother. It's OK not to love your "egg-donor" (it sounds like that's all she was). Not all mothers are worthy of the gift of love.
Speaking from experience, therapy is a great tool to learn about your situation and give suggestions for what you can do to change your situation. Sometimes it is impossible to change feelings imbedded in your emotions. "Forgive and forget" is practically impossible if the abuse is continuing.
Hire a caregiver to give your sister respite from her burden and live life without your mother.
Tell sister its time for a home.
I would try to form a good working relationship with your sister - what she wants to do is her choice, but explain your feelings honestly to her. Communication is crucial here and you can do so much to support each other just by being honest with one another. As to other sibs, if they want a say, they have to step up. Or shut up.
Can you get a social worker to act as the go-to for your mother's care, and then you don't have to be re-traumatized by trying to be her advocate while she needs care...?
That may be for the best. If there is money to pay for it, you could hire a geriatric case manager independent of social programs, too, if the sister ever gets tired of being mom's punching bag.
In my situation I did everything humanly possible to keep my mother home after she fell and broke her hip at the age of 89, gained about 50 pounds, developed a sleep disorder and severe depression and anxiety, only to find that she was far happier AND HEALTHIER, in residential care. Her 5 1/2 years in “her” nursing home were the best years of her prior 20 years alone in her own house.
IF your sister and you can agree, find out from your local Office of the Aging if you can have her tested for dementia.
If, as she might, she refuses an evaluation, trained geriatric specialists can actually determine useful information from the behavior they see.
Start a journal of her behavior when you are there. Try not to use emotionally charged language if you can. “Screaming” is a specific sound, so if she yells, swears, or talks in insults note that.
For yourself, consider her aberrant behavior as evidence, and as such, jot it down in your “behaviors journal” instead of reacting emotionally to it.
Whether you or your sister, NO CAREGIVER has “absorb abuse” as a requirement. Start thinking of a solution that will improve the lives of all THREE of you. Feel free to disregard comments from out of town sibs that don’t function as part of the solution you and your sister are working toward.
You are NOT alone.
I like the idea of getting together with this sister and being honest with her. Your mother needs to be placed in a facility. The heck with what the uninvolved sibs say.
You can only make choices for yourself. Don't continue to allow yourself to be abused because your sister has made that choice. With any luck, SHE will also walk away from your mother!
You know you must NOT take her into your home. Your first responsibility is to hubby. With your family grown, now is the time to retire and enjoy yourselves. That does NOT include being your mother’s servant and caregiver.
If you choose to take on an active care giving role you can very likely lose your life
physically and mentally under the stress. She will not change and will use and abuse you, while complaining about you to all who will listen. (this is the pattern
we have all experienced with care giving abusive and/or narcissistic parents)
Many of us have suffered severe consequences as a result, our warnings to you
have come from a high personal cost with first hand experience.
These types of people do not change unless forced to do so alone. When others
are jumping through their ever higher and higher hoops, they remain in their abusive entitled behaviors. The care giver runs a real possibility of dying before the parent they have so loyally (and foolishly) cared for.
it most definitely is not supposed to be this way. Your poor sister being in her seventies looking after this woman when she should well and truly doing her own thing
i agree. Time for full time care. Move her on. Document her behaviour and tell your siblings it’s put up or shut up time
My mother passed away a few months ago. I'm now trying to make peace with her death and the fact that I will never get the answers or the apology that I long for. I did stay by her side until the end and told her how I felt, even though she was incoherent, and I have no idea if she could even hear me.
I do not have much contact with my siblings now. My sister let me know that she resents me for not helping more, and that she "almost" decided to cut me out of her life for good. I reminded her that I have been caring for a sick child for many years, have a serious health issue of my own and trying to hold down a job. I do not think it matters what I say, but she did open up about many of her own emotional issues with our mother. Very sad to say the least. I'm happy that she is now living her own life happy and stress free...she truly deserves it!
I feel for those of you who are going through, or have went through this situation. It leaves very deep emotional scars. Sometimes there will never be any answers. I do not want to be bitter for the remainder of my life, so I'm working towards forgiveness. God Bless all of you and thank you again for your kindness and support.
You and your married family and blood family did all you could under terrible circumstances not of your doing. I hope you all can find peace. {hug}