This has happened within the last 5 mos. Before that she was mostly independent and living on her own with me doing her shopping and taking her to appts. and occasional financial matter. Her dementia gets worse daily. She was hospitalized for her emphysema and the protocol is mega dose of prednisone which causes her to hallucinate and be disoriented. While in the hospital she falls and fractures a hip that was repaired. Went to rehab, which was a horrible experience because I couldn’t see her and had to get updates by phone. Often times they did not answer the phone and when they did, of course, everything was going Came to stay with me after that for what I thought was temporary. I turned my living room into a bedroom because she can’t navigate stairs and I started noticing that the hallucinations and disorientations were getting worse as well as her confusion. She fell while in my care that resulted in another hospital stay and no contact again. Went to rehab ( no contact). After discharge I decided to take her to her tiny apt. because I’m told that it may be helpful. It was not. I’m watching her decline daily. She also has vision and hearing issues even though she wears a hearing aid. Also, we were in prep to move her to a better apt. that has a walk in shower and wood floors which will be helpful because she spills stuff often. So, I’ve been purging and packing. That in itself is frustrating because she doesn’t want to let go of things. I do have a CNA come in 3 days a week for 4 hrs each day. I know she can’t help herself but I find myself constantly yelling as if she understands what she’s doing. She thinks she understands but she doesn’t. I have no sibs to help or any other family members that are able. I know it will come a time for her to be placed in a facility but until I’m allowed to visit whenever I want that isn’t going to happen. Mich. is still strict about nursing homes because of COVID and I don’t want that experience again. I try not to yell but it’s getting worse and I know it’s not helpful for either of us. I’m mostly venting but I’m so frustrated that I want to cry. That’s all I did was cry when she was in the hospital and rehab.
Great advice here, so I won’t repeat the same message. I truly hope that you find a feasible solution soon. Wishing you all the best.
My mother is 94 with dementia…immobile & incontinent. I have private pay aide for 35-40 hours a week. Mother was in short term rehab for a couple of weeks in February & then I took her back home. I know at some point soon I will have to place her. I’m also having problems with house & repairs/de clutter in addition to the paperwork I have to do for mother. She was pretty good till age 85…reading books & paying bills..but she hasn’t walked for 5 years now.
I know for sure I couldn’t do what I’m doing now at 70 as it is a very physical job. Even transfer to machine is hard because she don’t assist at all.
Good luck in whatever you decide. Hugs 🤗
Verbal abuse is not ok for either of you. In the short term get more people in so you can walk away and step outside to take some deep breaths.
When I'd got too stressed out at work I used to practice "virtual screams" (I think I got the idea from the painting "The Scream"). In a funny way they helped some (since actual screaming in the office or out on the street is frowned upon). The way it is performed is to take a really deep breath, stare up at ceiling or sky, shake your head side to side, scrunch up your face, open your mouth wide - you can exhale or hold your breath. No sound comes out; repeat as needed - it looks utterly ridiculous but it did make me feel better for a short time at least and provided my coworkers with some laughs.
If you need to join a physical support group or get some therapy. Best of luck to you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/compassion-fatigue-caregivers-beyond-burnout-196224.htm
I was raised in a house where voices were never raised because my dad came from an abusive home and vowed not to repeat that with his own family. It has never occurred to me to yell at my mother, even out of frustration, because that kind of behavior is foreign to me.
First aid ideas:
Step out of the room and do conscious breathing.
Say aloud "STOP!"
Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it when you feel the pressure building.
Next:
Can you do anything about the CNA hours?
With the packing - the only way I could get round this was to box/bag things up and assure mother they were going into storage; and I wasn't lying to her, they did go into storage. But at least it got them under control. Is the apartment she's moving to larger (by volume/square footage) than this one?
What presses your buttons most, do you think? (I know it can be hard to think what *doesn't*! Hugs of sympathy).
Is it normal for a caregiver to occasionally lose their temper with the one they're caring for? Of course it is. But the fact that you say it's now all the time, is not normal, but a sign that you're at your breaking point.
Perhaps instead of hollering at your mom, you might want to try and go outside on your porch or patio, and letting out a loud scream anytime you feel yourself about to lose it. That way you won't be taking it out on your mom, as you already know that it's not your moms fault. You are instead angry with the situation, and the fact that mom is no longer the person you once knew, and that Covid is delaying the inevitable for your mom.
I hope that when you have the caregivers coming in 3 times a week(you probably want them coming more)that you are leaving the home and getting out and doing some fun things that you enjoy, as self care is just as important, if not more than the care we're giving our loved one. You certainly don't want to be in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for do you?
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Instead start taking care of yourself, and get out on that back porch and SCREAM!!!
It would be best for both of you if your mother went to a care facility. Unless she can get a lot more homecare coming in than she has now. 12 hours total a week in aide service is not enough to keep this situation in hand. She needs someone coming in every day and more than once. I find that a 4 hour block of time really isn't the best and most productive use of homecare services.
It should be broke up two hours a day twice a day. See if this is possible and it will be helpful.
You need to find coping mechanisms to help you avoid getting angry.
Walk out of the room if it is safe to do so.
Laugh. Laugh at yourself, at the situation but laughter while at first might be "fake" will morph into a real laugh if you think about the situation. And the unexpected laugh may also diffuse the situation as the person you are caring for will be distracted from their focus on what they were doing or not doing.
You also need to come to the realization that you might not be able to safely care for this person and that placing them in Memory Care is the safest option.
the other possibility if it is something to consider is BOTH of you moving to a facility that has continuing care. AL might be an option, you would have help but if it does become more than you can handle Memory Care and AL for yourself if you need it. But you would be there every day to visit and help if you want.
Your other option is to get caregivers that will come in daily for most of the day or during times when you are having the most trouble.
from AARP
"What's allowed in Michigan?
Outdoor visits are encouraged when weather permits, but indoor visits are allowed if visitors present a recent negative COVID-19 test. Facilities can only accept visitors if they've gone at least 14 days without a new case. Visitors will have their temperature taken upon arrival and must wear masks and practice physical distancing."
You have done everything humanly possible, and nothing has been more successful than the care she received while hospitalized or in residential care during the worst of the pandemic.
You are now attempting to embark on another major upheaval for you both, with at maximum, a 50/50 shot at success.
You are a FINE PERSON who has taken on a task that no one can expect to achieve successfully without personal risk.
If you had found a good placement for her previously, revisit it to determine how it is operating now. My LO is once again accessible to me daily, at any time during the day except when she naps. I can hug her, coax her, joke with her, all the good nourishing things we BOTH missed so terribly during the lockdown.
I live in a state that was WORSE than Michigan. Check the status of your state TODAY. Don’t make your decisions on what was happening last week, OR EVEN YESTERDAY.
Please address what you can fairly accomplish on your own. I KNOW from sad experience, that you are over reaching, at risk to yourself, and minimal benefit to your mother.
I will be thinking of you, and hoping that you are working towards a plan that will be fair to you both.
BE WELL.