My mother is dependent on me for everything from bathing her to changing her diapers. She left us (her 5 kids) and moved out of state when we were young and just becoming parents ourselves. She has no relationship with her many grandchildren because they just never knew her. When her health started to fail, she tried to commit suicide and that's when I was contacted to come get her because her boyfriend of 20 yrs would not look after her. I always loved my mother, but now after waiting on her hand and foot for the past 3 yrs, I remember now why I didn't like her much. She is a very self centered person, and very demanding. She refuses to get out of bed so I had to find a home service doctor to come to the house each month to treat her diabetes, heart disease etc. I am never able to leave my home anymore except quick trips to the store. She yells at me if her diaper isn't changed right away and complains about the food I cook for her. I just became a grandmother 4 years ago, and I can never go see my grandkids because it disrupts mom's daily routine. It is all just too much to take, I can't seem to find a place for her that Medicaid will pay for, because they are all full. This is all causing me so much resentment towards mom, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm scared our relationship will be completely gone if I don't get some help soon with finding a nursing home. I am getting so depressed, I cry all the time at the silliest things.
When I placed my parents in an Assisted Living Facility in 2014, the executive director told me that lots of children drop their mom's off with a suitcase, never to be seen again. The monthly bill is paid, but that's IT.
When I placed mom in a rehab facility a few weeks ago to regain her strength after suffering pneumonia, the head nurse told me they had patients there in horrible pain that they couldn't get Hospice services for because the family members refused to pick up the telephone when called. Their "loved one" will die in agony as a result.
These stories are sad and awful, aren't they? You are doing an amazing thing for your mother, whether she appreciates it or not. You have a strong character, my friend, and for that I admire you.
Keep looking for Skilled Nursing Facilities that accept Medicaid.....look further away than you have been looking. Put her name on the waiting list for each place that meets your approval. One of these days, an opening will come up. In the meantime, be sure to take some time for yourself, even if your mom complains.....just add it to the list and get In line!
Sending you a big hug and wishing a speedy placement for mother so you can salvage the relationship AND your life. Keep posting here...the support really helps!
My sister handled it by putting our mother in her car and drove 3 hours and DROPPED her off at my house. No warning! At that time she had mild dementia. They just left her during the day when she lived with them and went to work.
Now I haven't been able to work .
I can't leave her. She is very unsteady and has visual and audio hallucinations!
I wonder how many children that are responsible end up in this situation.
It is so difficult , you can barely breath. Then you feel guilty if u raise your voice.
I worked in a hospital, I've seen it all. BURNOUT is going to happen.
If you bring her to a hospital, they will assist you in finding help.
Either long term or short term.
Also call your state aging department.
There are many agencys out there.
Even if you don't go to a hospital
They can direct you to someone who can.
In addition to the other helpful replies, I would ask your family if they could come together NOW to help you with this extreme situation. You're going to have to say it or word it very strongly for them to get the idea of what is happening, because this is not fair. It's sort of a reverse intervention, because you asking them to intervene. Pick a day and tell them they need to be at your house. Don't take no for an answer.
And also, yes, if you take her to the hospital, then Medicaid will have to find a bed for her. That might be a temporary solution while you convo with the family.
What can your extended family do? They could come and relieve you from this 24-hour caregiving at regular intervals, be it daily, weekly, whatever, for an hour, a day, a week or two. They can also provide money. So what if the grandchildren don't know her? I think they need to see the reality of what can happen when you age. I would require everyone over the age of 16 to get to your house for your meeting.
If you're doing this alone, does that mean the other 4 kids refuse to help or you have not asked them to help? Maybe a family meeting to see if anyone can commit to so much time per week on a schedule you can rely on.
If she gets sick and needs to be hospitalized, you can talk to social workers about placement to rehab and then to long term. Many doctors are owners of nursing facilities and you might get quicker placement that way.
Even if you cant hire full time help, some companies will send staff out for a few hours at a time as needed.
You need to speak to your doctor about your situation. I had to start talking an antidepressant. It helps and the sooner the better.
Remember it's the disease your hating here not your mother.
Don't let this wicked disease destroy you too. Hugs my dear and an extra on for your pocket. Pull it out when you need it most.
You also may be able to drop mom off at an adult daycare or memory care unit for an afternoon.
Check with local support groups for dementia. They may have ideas with help as well.
We don't get on each other's nerves or squabble now. Yay! I am sleeping longer than two or three hours at a time now. Having my own four walls gave us both some sanity back. Now all I need to do is find a way to take a day for myself here and there to visit my children and grandchildren.
You have good advice above. I sincerely hope you find that light at the end of the tunnel soon.
I also agree with Alvadeer, call in a social worker.
I am one of 3 sisters. Mum, Dad & I care for Sis2 (MI & stroke survivor). Then Mum had big stroke, needs wheelchair & 24 hour care. Medicos said find NH but Dad determined & took her home. He now 24/7 carer PLUS the care organiser for Sis2 (who lives separately).
I phoned, visited, begged Sis3 to come assist. She came to visit Mum for a DAY visit. Then shopping trip before home (2 hours away).
Put the heavy on her to visit for 1 week so I could take a much needed holiday with my Hubby & kids. She stayed with inlaws, popped in for lunches. No hands-on. She said no to that in future as not fair on HER to come sit for me to get a break. Wow.
So I learned the lesson well. Don't wait for a sister to come save me.
Sis2 was placed in respite over this last summer. Mum also in respite while Dad had surgery.
Funny how Sis3 got huge guilts & came to visit them each as "they mustn't like going into respite care". Seriously? No other choices.
I'm telling you all this in case it applies to your situation. You have COPD and for your own health, need to seek a different way to care for Mum (ie visit as a loving daughter - not 24/7 carer).
If your sisters are like mine, they may try to push their guilt onto you. "Mum shouldn't go into care, she won't like it etc". But they have not walked in your shoes or taken Mum home with them. So be it. You cannot change them, only yourself.
Call the social worker. Good luck. ((Hugs))
When she passed, it really was a blessing. She was 89 and had gone from beginning to end in her journey. Besides the Dementia, she was healthy. It was hard to watch her decline. I saw her go back in time, no husband, no children. She became frailer and frailer. There was no "Mom" anymore. I am not a patient person. Its the one thing I regret with my Mom, that at times I didn't have it with her. I have always thought that we go thru things in our lives because we r to learn something from it. Could not figure out what Mom was suppose to learn from this awful desease. Or maybe I was suppose to learn something? But if so, please don't keep her alive like this till I learn it. Because if it was patience, we have a long road to go.
Its hard to remember the good times and there were lots. My Moms family was it. Everything she did was for her husband and kids. Our friends hung out at our house and Mom treated them as her own. Even to the point she hollered at them too. We did a lot together when I started driving. She helped to raise my oldest. She was liked by all who knew her. My Mom was 89 when she passed. She knew where she was going and I know she is there. So grieve, not really. We all will leave this world. She lived a good life that she was happy in. What more could a person ask for.
Is there an emergency respite service? What if you got the flu, needed an operation, what would happen? Get some respite asap so you can start to breathe, think & plan.
In fact, arranging respite so you can visit those grandkids would be a great start. Sorry to be blunt, but why let your Mum decide your life for you?
You both deserve your own life journeys.
Let someone else step step in and take a turn. You have exhausted all your options and yourself.
Your mom has to make alternative arrangements for her care going forward. Be honest with her.
Like me, maybe you needed to re-connect with mom, or maybe you felt you had no choice, or maybe you had to try so you could let go. Ok. You did your best, so now the situation is out of your control. Sounds like she needs professional medical care in many ways. You can let go now, honeybun! You have given her MORE than most daughters would. You can let go.
Get her to a professional care facility by following advice provided by the other responders above.
It sounds like those recommendations may be your best option. If not, contact area aging or other helping agencies. They will help if you let them. They will find options, but you have to reach out and let it go. And then enjoy those grandkids, and your life.
I never knew or considered that to be an option for placement, but after reading on this forum and some of the horror stories where people desperately look for placement and can't get it, going this route seems to be the best way.
Your private home isn't a hospital, but it seems like it's turning into one. That needs to stop for both your sanity and her care.
Also if you refuse to pick your mother up, the state will take custody. Sometimes we have to take strange actions in order to get to a better place. This is never easy.
Get on as many waiting lists as you can. If she winds up in the hospital, tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for her. They’ll find a place for her. You can also call Adult Protective Services and get her out. You have sacrificed enough for her for no reason other than the fact that you’re a good and kind person who tried to do the right thing. Enlist the help of the visiting doctor service. They often have social workers on staff who can help you.