Who is caring for the caregiver?
I'm kind of pissed at my therapist and don't know what to do. I have session tomorrow and it long overdue. I went through a crisis about 10 days ago and was ready to blow a gasket. I texted her on 11/23 and she was too busy to see me. Her earliest available appt. was 12/2.
Since I wasn't thinking about harming myself or anybody, it didn't qualify as an emergency. They have urgent care for a fever, why not urgent care for mental issues? 1-800-counselor?
There is an online therapist service but my insurance doesn't pay for it and its $400 a month!
What am I supposed to do when I'm going through my next crisis? That's the question I want to ask my therapist but I don't know what to say. I'm trying to plan ahead. It helps to have an emergency plan, just in case.
I used to run to my mom for advice. I could always call her and she knew just what to say to make me feel better. My wife was incapacitated this last time and I couldn't ask her for help. Actually, she was the one driving me nuts! LOL
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The psychiatrist explained that there is a shortage of doctors and therapists in the mental health field. More people now have insurance and can afford the services they might have put off when they were uninsured. If someone is in crisis they simply admit them for in-patient care.
About the lack of sex with your wife: you are her caregiver so she must have some impairments. Tell us what those are, and why she turns you down. How was your sex life before you became her caregiver as well as her husband?
frustrated2016, I did check the local hospital and talked to 2 patient advocates. No luck on caregiver support groups, that's why I'm online.
Guilty as charged. I use women as sounding boards. Yes, I at times I feel pretty bad and it helps to let it out. I was taught at a very early age that men don't cry. Suck it up! That's probably why I prefer women therapists. My dad is still living at 84 years old but I don't talk to him about my problems. And I miss my mother and 2 grandmothers. They've passed on. That leaves mw with my wife and when she is incapacitated, who is going to listen to my troubles with a sympathetic ear? I don't see anything wrong with reaching out for moral support, a helping hand when you need one.
I do agree that he needs to reach out to find additional sources of dealing with his concerns, however, I see a "yes, but .... no help available." This is the foundation for a thread of a different sort.
We all have to change and adjust as we age, and sometimes those adjustments push us way beyond our comfort levels. That's just life.
I think "incapacitation" is a serious situation in and of itself. You might also want to try to figure out how to get used to your wife's situation if it's permanent, and think of her needs as well. I'm guessing she has some serious issues well beyond less sex.
Is the "online therapist service" that costs $400/month really live porn that you can watch on your computer? And you're whining because your insurance won't pay for it? You have got to be kidding. I simply cannot believe that you would talk to your mother about this and she "knew just what to say to make you feel better". Do you have any male friends? Usually men talk amongst each other about issues such as this. Get a grip, man. Perhaps there are legitimate online mental health therapy services that charge a monthly fee----I have never looked for one so I have no idea. I do know that there are online therapy services that charge by the session. The $400/month fee certainly makes me question what the "online service" is----the only thing I can come up with is unlimited porn videos.
You can also look for call girl services in your area in the yellow pages---but, insurance isn't going to pay for that either. You'll have to pay out of your own pocket. I can't even believe I am saying this stuff. But it's true----if you think your wife isn't giving you enough sex, and you are "blowing a gasket" over it, there are ways to remedy your problems. And, no----insurance isn't going to pay for it.
If you are "blowing a gasket" because your wife won't/can't have sex with you for whatever reason, your priorities are seriously messed up & that is what you should be seeing a therapist for. If you really are "taking care of your wife in your home" because she requires physical assistance or because she is suffering with mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer's, etc., expecting her to have sex with you is ridiculous and you really do need counseling, but for legitimate mental health issues and not because you aren't getting laid.
The issue of availability of mental health workers is valid (regardless of how other's perceive OldMarriedMan's problems. You don't walk in his shoes.) Some therapists are more empathic and remain available even giving their cell phone number (in non-suicidal matters), for others you an entry on the calendar until you walk in the door and then only for the 40 minutes you are in the seat. No different than the issues we experience in other healthcare fields. And, yes, for some cost is an issue. Further, there is nothing wrong with relating to one gender better than others on emotional matters. I have male friends who are very masculine and self differentiated that prefer to relate to women for advice because they feel they have a different and often deeper more introspective perspective, and women are nurturers (just their own comfort level). That OldMarriedMan could have decent relationships with women is a plus, not something to judge negatively.
I applaud and appreciate all the other contributions from participants who provided compassionate and useful alternatives on managing stress and the circumstances. If the judgmental 'dissing responses noted on this post were the order of the day, I wouldn't bother logging on to AgingCare.Com.
** Oldmarried man, please tell me a little about your wife... your life ...that is if you dont mind me asking. One more thing, all these "women on here heckling you, have a go-to (or 3 or 4) people they run-to for advice, i assure of that. (I mean look at what they are insulting you on...an advice site)
I would like to think there is more going on than just not getting enough sex.
Maybe it's not exactly the sex but the loss of intimacy in general that does not just mean the sex act.
I agree with you about being put off by mental health professionals when you are in crisis - no matter what the crisis is. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for four years when I was in a serious crisis and needed him to hear me and talk me out of a suicide attempt. I called his office for 5 weeks only to get a message saying "This mailbox is full!" Finally I just drove to his office, saw his car in the parking lot, got out in my pajamas and went in. When he came out he acted so casual. I told him I had been trying to reach him for weeks. He said his assistant had had surgery and he hadn't bothered to even find someone to monitor his voicemails. Clearly he has no business caring for patients who have mental illnesses, severe depression and/or anxiety or other similar situations. A mental crisis requires immediate attention not a waiting period of several days or weeks. When you start a psychiatric practice you are signing onto crisis management DAILY. If you can't provide that then become a urologist or a podiatrist.
How can anyone compare psychiatric care with PORNOGRAPHY. Where did
that notion come from?
Some of the nastiest responses you received came from frequent posters like Ferris. Some of you have more serious issues than Oldmarriedman because you are just plain hateful, bitter, have zero empathy and are just looking for a way to vent your negativity towards someone else. I would hate to think how you acted as a caregiver to someone. Heaven help them!!!! Re-read your responses several times before you hit submit and question whether your posts include any level of support. If you need more info about the person's situation before responding - ask for it. So for those of you who jumped to erroneous conclusions without enough information do as someone suggested "Put on your big girl/boy pants" and find a way to "deal with" whatever YOU are so angry and bitter about before lashing out at another who needs a kind word or support. Good luck and God bless you Oldmarriedman. Maybe talking to someone for just a little while on the phone at NAMI could result in some encouragement. You won't find much help on this site I'm afraid.
But my previous comment still stands. Like my parents ALWAYS said "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!!!"
Only you can answer whether or not your "crisis" was more involved than just a temporary frustration over not getting enough sex from your wife because she was suffering from a severe back problem. Back pain is excruciating, exhausting, unbearable at times and very stressful. Have you thought about trying to "walk a day in her shoes." If you do and if you have true empathy for what she is going through I am pretty sure your future chances of wonderful intimacy will be something she will be looking forward to as well. If not you could find yourself getting "a cold shoulder" when she is healthier and I don't think that is what you want. I hope she is better very shortly and that you are as well.
It is not rational or fair to hold this against the therapist. It reflects the state of mental health care in our system. But you know what? When we are in pain and in need of therapy we are not always at our most rational! I can recall a phone conservation trying to get a refill for my antidepressant just bursting out in tears, unable to jump through the hoops of the "rules."
How did that therapy session go, by the way? And I congratulate you on recognizing your need for help. Keep up with your therapy session. You are doing the right thing.
It went very well. I didn't get all the answers I need, but I definitely got an empathetic ear. My therapist is a consummate professional when it comes to empathy. It's uncanny how she can see into my soul. My action item is to build a support system so she is basically out of a job. Thanks for your empathetic response. When it comes right down to it, that is a key ingredient of the human bonding experience I've been missing. I rely too much on my wife for this and I have to learn how to develop friendships on my own.