Who is caring for the caregiver?
I'm kind of pissed at my therapist and don't know what to do. I have session tomorrow and it long overdue. I went through a crisis about 10 days ago and was ready to blow a gasket. I texted her on 11/23 and she was too busy to see me. Her earliest available appt. was 12/2.
Since I wasn't thinking about harming myself or anybody, it didn't qualify as an emergency. They have urgent care for a fever, why not urgent care for mental issues? 1-800-counselor?
There is an online therapist service but my insurance doesn't pay for it and its $400 a month!
What am I supposed to do when I'm going through my next crisis? That's the question I want to ask my therapist but I don't know what to say. I'm trying to plan ahead. It helps to have an emergency plan, just in case.
I used to run to my mom for advice. I could always call her and she knew just what to say to make me feel better. My wife was incapacitated this last time and I couldn't ask her for help. Actually, she was the one driving me nuts! LOL
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It is Christmas Eve! I would like to send all my fellow caregivers a huge hug and thanks for being a caregiver that gives and understands. Wish we could all have our own party! :) Merry Christmas and know someone is thinking of you and appreciating you! Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men and Women! :)
My own lack of intimacy goes deeper than a quick surgical fix (not that back issues aren't serious), as my FIL moved in 13 years ago, when my husband and I were in our 40's, and still had an active sex life. Well, throw that out the window, as just having him in our home added enough stress, to cause a definite decrease in interest, and the ever present wondering if he could "hear us", a certain amount of performance anxiety on my husband's part, so you see, many of us miss, that level of intimacy in many different ways, it is still important, but we have to find ways to work around it!
Being long term cargivers, we learned to give up a Lot, friends, help from family members, who you expected different from, alone time, travel, job security, financial loss, and our independence, and this may even have happened to you at some point, or even may still, and you haven't quite gotten to that point yet, but being as your wife will recover, my suggestions to you are, to be patient, be her knight in shining armour, as one poster put it, she won't forget it, and will reward you for it. Back rubs, cuddling, just holding hands and a loving gesture won't go unnoticed, and can be reciprocated, even while she is recovering. Be thankful that she will hopefully one day be back to her own self, and cater to her every need in the meantime. Being a good caregiver is something we all sign on for when we do marry, "in sickness and in health", and all that. There may be a day when you are the patient in need of her good services, and there is no time like the present, to practice putting your own needs last, behind that of the one you are caring for.
I do agree with you, sex is important and I miss that level of intimacy that my husband and I took for granted, and can now only get in snippets, when we think the Old Man we care for is truly zonked out, lol! I only hope that when the time comes that he is no longer with us, that our get up and go, hasn't got up and left, and there is still a mutual interest! Stay tuned, as it is still to be determined, as the old coot could live to be 100! That's life, You've got to work around these things!
As for the aggressive comments, take no notice, as people can only respond to that information they are given. If there's more to the story, you gotta share to get the best advice, and the good thing here is that it's all anonymous! 😉
I stand corrected; although I don't know more about your situation and don't need to, the fact that your wife has been suffering with back pain explains a lot, as well as your comments about sharing your thoughts with the women in your life.
That's a courageous omission. Many men would be loathe to admit first of all that they discuss their feelings with women, and secondly that they have the concern you have about a healthy sexual relationship.
In retrospect, I think that the tenor of the times and your wife's back problems were factors in the tone that was conveyed in this and your other thread. That's all we know; that's all the information on which we could base responses.
And those kinds of posts frequently appear, sucking in posters who are trying to help w/o realizing that the thread was started to draw us into a quagmire. Some people are very immature and exploit the compassion that most posters here have.
I do think that becoming a regular here, posting more often, would help coping skills (which we all need!), as well as be an example of sharing the courage that you did in addressing our criticism.
There are in addition other male posters who've created threads which were well supported by the same posters who made comments on this thread, comments which you excoriate, along with the posters.
Your judgmental attitude suggests to me that you haven't read enough of the variety of threads here to draw that conclusion logically. Perhaps you should. Look up Dmanbro's threads. Read them - ALL of them.
You're guilty of making the same judgmental conclusions of which you accuse many of us.
I went through many losses as my husband's health deteriorated. One was his inability to drive. He LOVED driving! I loved cooking and baking. I would bake cakes for my grandchildren and he would drive all over delivering them. I made full means for a family dealing with cancer, he'd deliver them. We were both happy. When he couldn't drive it was a big blow to both of us.
Loss of our sex life was another huge blow to both of us. I tried to maintain some intimacy in other ways, but it is incredibly hard to have an equal partner turn into a dependent. Nobody was going to send me a sympathy card over this, but close friends did commiserate. And no one called my concerns trivial.
Most people on this forum are caring for a parent. The loss of a sex life is simply not something they can relate to. Another barrier here is that most of us are permanent caregivers. I cared for my husband for ten years, until he died. Nothing was ever going to get better -- there would be more and more losses.
The fact that your situation is temporary is very different. Apparently your wife will recover. You will have a chance to repair the damage to your intimacy. I am so glad. I'm glad you are in therapy now and aren't sitting around seething in resentment. Perhaps when your wife is fully recovered some couples' therapy will also be helpful.
OMM, I do empathize with both of your issues. Been there, mourned that. But frustration with a therapist and temporary loss of intimacy are not really issues about caregiving. I am not sure this is an ideal forum for you, but that is for you to judge. If it is helpful, hang in here. If not, do search out another outlet. There are lots of online support groups to consider.
Keep up the good work with therapy, and I wish you the best in improving your marriage long-term.
Also one needs to realize prescription medication can have a variety of side effects, such as having no interest in being intimate with their partner, and being exhausted. Nothing is going to change that. Helping the partner out with household chores you become a knight in shining armor which will be remembered for a long time, especially after the medical situation has been cleared.
OldMarariedMan, sounds like you had found the perfect therapist. Sometime we have to test drive a few therapists before finding a good match. I did too, someone who was of my age group who had taken care of her elderly Mom, thus someone who could honestly say "I know how you feel". All of my friends had disappeared once I started to help my very aging parents years ago, I never had time even for a phone call or time to spend an afternoon with them. Caregiving throws you into a whole different world.
I think earlier posters have got a bit distracted by your one-liner about needing your therapist to talk about 'not enough sex.' Since you described how you missed your mother because she always knew what to say to make you feel better, I concluded that this was a ho-ho one-liner intended to lighten the mood, and not a serious summary of what your crisis was about. Well, that'll teach you...
Living with someone who has lost the capacity for intimacy, for one reason or another, can feel very lonely indeed. And I appreciate that you chaps are not traditionally good at talking about real feelings and real meanings. But I did observe, while my exSO was going through prostate cancer treatment, that if a man will make the first move and *talk* to his friends about what is really happening, he might be surprised at how willing they are to reciprocate.
So, for example: how many of your male friends aren't telling you what's really happening in their lives? Could you maybe start a constructive trend?
I am with ,ah, Two young for this, and her observations. This guy (?) is trolling perhaps.
Thanks for the laugh today.."$400 online( sex porn) therapist.." too funny
It went very well. I didn't get all the answers I need, but I definitely got an empathetic ear. My therapist is a consummate professional when it comes to empathy. It's uncanny how she can see into my soul. My action item is to build a support system so she is basically out of a job. Thanks for your empathetic response. When it comes right down to it, that is a key ingredient of the human bonding experience I've been missing. I rely too much on my wife for this and I have to learn how to develop friendships on my own.
It is not rational or fair to hold this against the therapist. It reflects the state of mental health care in our system. But you know what? When we are in pain and in need of therapy we are not always at our most rational! I can recall a phone conservation trying to get a refill for my antidepressant just bursting out in tears, unable to jump through the hoops of the "rules."
How did that therapy session go, by the way? And I congratulate you on recognizing your need for help. Keep up with your therapy session. You are doing the right thing.
But my previous comment still stands. Like my parents ALWAYS said "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!!!"
Only you can answer whether or not your "crisis" was more involved than just a temporary frustration over not getting enough sex from your wife because she was suffering from a severe back problem. Back pain is excruciating, exhausting, unbearable at times and very stressful. Have you thought about trying to "walk a day in her shoes." If you do and if you have true empathy for what she is going through I am pretty sure your future chances of wonderful intimacy will be something she will be looking forward to as well. If not you could find yourself getting "a cold shoulder" when she is healthier and I don't think that is what you want. I hope she is better very shortly and that you are as well.
I would like to think there is more going on than just not getting enough sex.
Maybe it's not exactly the sex but the loss of intimacy in general that does not just mean the sex act.
I agree with you about being put off by mental health professionals when you are in crisis - no matter what the crisis is. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for four years when I was in a serious crisis and needed him to hear me and talk me out of a suicide attempt. I called his office for 5 weeks only to get a message saying "This mailbox is full!" Finally I just drove to his office, saw his car in the parking lot, got out in my pajamas and went in. When he came out he acted so casual. I told him I had been trying to reach him for weeks. He said his assistant had had surgery and he hadn't bothered to even find someone to monitor his voicemails. Clearly he has no business caring for patients who have mental illnesses, severe depression and/or anxiety or other similar situations. A mental crisis requires immediate attention not a waiting period of several days or weeks. When you start a psychiatric practice you are signing onto crisis management DAILY. If you can't provide that then become a urologist or a podiatrist.
How can anyone compare psychiatric care with PORNOGRAPHY. Where did
that notion come from?
Some of the nastiest responses you received came from frequent posters like Ferris. Some of you have more serious issues than Oldmarriedman because you are just plain hateful, bitter, have zero empathy and are just looking for a way to vent your negativity towards someone else. I would hate to think how you acted as a caregiver to someone. Heaven help them!!!! Re-read your responses several times before you hit submit and question whether your posts include any level of support. If you need more info about the person's situation before responding - ask for it. So for those of you who jumped to erroneous conclusions without enough information do as someone suggested "Put on your big girl/boy pants" and find a way to "deal with" whatever YOU are so angry and bitter about before lashing out at another who needs a kind word or support. Good luck and God bless you Oldmarriedman. Maybe talking to someone for just a little while on the phone at NAMI could result in some encouragement. You won't find much help on this site I'm afraid.
** Oldmarried man, please tell me a little about your wife... your life ...that is if you dont mind me asking. One more thing, all these "women on here heckling you, have a go-to (or 3 or 4) people they run-to for advice, i assure of that. (I mean look at what they are insulting you on...an advice site)
The issue of availability of mental health workers is valid (regardless of how other's perceive OldMarriedMan's problems. You don't walk in his shoes.) Some therapists are more empathic and remain available even giving their cell phone number (in non-suicidal matters), for others you an entry on the calendar until you walk in the door and then only for the 40 minutes you are in the seat. No different than the issues we experience in other healthcare fields. And, yes, for some cost is an issue. Further, there is nothing wrong with relating to one gender better than others on emotional matters. I have male friends who are very masculine and self differentiated that prefer to relate to women for advice because they feel they have a different and often deeper more introspective perspective, and women are nurturers (just their own comfort level). That OldMarriedMan could have decent relationships with women is a plus, not something to judge negatively.
I applaud and appreciate all the other contributions from participants who provided compassionate and useful alternatives on managing stress and the circumstances. If the judgmental 'dissing responses noted on this post were the order of the day, I wouldn't bother logging on to AgingCare.Com.
Is the "online therapist service" that costs $400/month really live porn that you can watch on your computer? And you're whining because your insurance won't pay for it? You have got to be kidding. I simply cannot believe that you would talk to your mother about this and she "knew just what to say to make you feel better". Do you have any male friends? Usually men talk amongst each other about issues such as this. Get a grip, man. Perhaps there are legitimate online mental health therapy services that charge a monthly fee----I have never looked for one so I have no idea. I do know that there are online therapy services that charge by the session. The $400/month fee certainly makes me question what the "online service" is----the only thing I can come up with is unlimited porn videos.
You can also look for call girl services in your area in the yellow pages---but, insurance isn't going to pay for that either. You'll have to pay out of your own pocket. I can't even believe I am saying this stuff. But it's true----if you think your wife isn't giving you enough sex, and you are "blowing a gasket" over it, there are ways to remedy your problems. And, no----insurance isn't going to pay for it.
If you are "blowing a gasket" because your wife won't/can't have sex with you for whatever reason, your priorities are seriously messed up & that is what you should be seeing a therapist for. If you really are "taking care of your wife in your home" because she requires physical assistance or because she is suffering with mental issues like dementia, Alzheimer's, etc., expecting her to have sex with you is ridiculous and you really do need counseling, but for legitimate mental health issues and not because you aren't getting laid.