The parent lives in their own home, independent but forgetful. Child plans to move from out of state to be close to parent and provide care. Child wants other siblings to approve the moving costs, the purchase of a house (rent-free) and a full-time salary to give care from parent's estate. Siblings think this is too much financial dependence on elderly parent and a premature stab at inheritance. What do other think?
But I can't imagine what would justify providing a house! If SIL wants to move, she can sell her house and buy another one. If she loses on the deal, then I can understand her parents perhaps wanting to chip in the amount she lost, out of the goodness of their heart. But this expected compensation package seems way over the top, to me. And it seems to me it would be unfair to the other siblings.
This whole picture would make a little more sense if this daughter was particularly close to her mother, and reuniting them would be a dream-come-true for Mother. It doesn't sound like that is the case.
And just deciding you want to be a caregiver does not qualify you for the job. Mother may need only slight supervision now, but that can change rapidly and dramatically. What if the caregiving does not work out in the long run?
I say, pay for the caregiving on an as-you-go basis. Pay the going rate in your area -- the same you would pay for a professional. But do not pay up-front bonuses like moving expenses and a house. That just sounds crazy to me.
In my opinion, it is a huge mistake to give one of the children a part of their inheritance early. There is no way of knowing at this point how much will be left to distribute. Care as dementia progresses can be VERY costly. That money should be available for Mother's needs. There is no promise that each child will get a certain amount. If this daughter gets $325,000 now, and after Mom passes the other children each get $30,000 (or $3,000) how will everyone then feel about the house deal? Is that what Mother would want?
Pay the sister. Pay her well. If she resigns from the caregiving, stop paying her. Don't do an early distribution of the estate!
Whatever the siblings decide to do, they should visit an attorney specializing in Elder Law and put the entire arrangement on solid footing.
Once you've got all the options on the table, costed out - and yes of course bearing in mind that these can only be the roughest of estimates - then you will be able to see whether the plan proposed by sibling is
a) in your mother's best interests
b) in your mother's best interests subject to negotiation of certain terms, e.g. house purchase? Nice work if you can get it!
c) a complete non-starter.
* Is this sibling likely to stay the course? Any doubts about that and the whole plan falls flat.
From the concern you mention about the c-g sibling becoming 'too dependent' on your mother, it does sound as though you're not convinced of his/her 100% reliability?
Does anyone have POA?
Lastly, but of course most important of all: what does your mother think?
At some point in time dementia patients need 24/7 care and it is certainly not a one person job and definitely not for the faint of heart or emotionally fragile.. Is this daughter the only option to be of help to Mom? Has she caregiving experience? She is bringing family that her parents are to support? Are they in need of care as well? If not, why aren't they going to work?
I would give her this website address and ask that she spend a few days reading all the entries. Caregiving is something most of us do out of love and compassion. It is always more than we bargained for in the beginning and a lot of times there is more heartache than joy.
I cannot imagine asking my parents or family to be so financially involved in a decision like this, or in any part of my financial life for that matter.. There is more to this story than meets the eye...imho.
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