Child or caregiver? Anyway to get dad to see the difference?
My dad continually tells me how to do endless things I'm perfectly capable of doing. I get told how to drive, which way to turn, where to park, how to cook, how to clean, that what I'm doing or getting for him is wrong, the list goes on and on, and down to every detail. It's sooooo tiresome to be made to feel incompetent all the time. I know all the stuff about him still seeing me as his child and him feeling the loss of control over his life, and I'm really patient and respectful, but it just gets old (pun?!) I've shared before that he's loud and rude in public now (assured by docs it's not dementia, but a loss of "filters" common in old age) and when I try to quiet him he just becomes worse, not respecting my point of view or opinion about his rudeness. He actually finds it funny to embarrass me, again treating me like a child. Yesterday I took pleasure in vacuuming weird as that is, because I got to tune him out---doesn't that sound terrible?! My dad also has a long history of pouting if he's really corrected and that's pretty insufferable to be around. He goes all "I'm sorry, I won't talk at all" On the good side, he tells all the people he knows that I help him with everything and thanks me regularly (which always seems ironic after being told how wrong I've done things) so I know he sees and acknowledges the help. We're blessed in many ways with him, and maybe this is more of a vent than a question as it's unlikely I'm going to teach an 86 year old dog a new trick. Maybe more coping skills for being made to feel incompetent?
Our parent(s) will always consider us to be the children, and will view us as being way much younger. I had that issue with my parents... even waving my Medicare card and AARP Membership didn't faze them into thinking I was a senior myself... [sigh]
My dad lived with me and my then-teenage daughter. My daughter would have a dilemma and she'd come to me and I'd suggest she ask her grandpa for advice. She would and my dad would feel on top of the world. We didn't manufacture situations like that but I looked for opportunities similar to that to help my dad feel a part of us and feel useful and valued. And when you're looking for situations for that they pop up all the time.
Maybe help your dad have some more control in his life. Of course you know how to drive and where to park but maybe you can try asking your dad what he thinks as you drive around a crowded parking lot. Should you drive over there or try that aisle down there?
Cooking? Ask your dad which is better in a stew: white onions or yellow onions (or whatever your making). And then go with his suggestion.
If you start looking for opportunities to help your dad feel more useful and in control you'll find them everywhere. And you'll end up feeling good as well.
In my experience, folks who are passive-aggressive in the manner you describe are often prescribed antidepressant meds with good results.
Has he ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?