Why can children and teens face death with dignity but many seniors cannot?

Im a peds nurse and watched families go thru death of children of every kind of problem. Kids that were 5 that acted like they were 21 years old so damn aware and smart. leaving their last words to be read at their funerals. So kids are smart. Yes my mom is scared to die. Right now I'm ok I know where I'm going when I die. I'm not scared and I'm 50 now. if this at all helps.

You just need to be a nice person in general. If you were a mean person then your going to be a meaner and grumpier old person. I thought my mom would get nicer It does not work like that. My grandma just was a sweet person. Who raised a spoiled brat. Bless her soul. God bless you all.

first i want to say i am sorry joycews that your fil ended up the way he has. he has much pain in his heart and hope he will somehow accept the love of Christ before his time here is over. i know this is hard for you to see in him and to hear him speak those things. much prayer for you both. wantingtime&waddle1; you brought tears to my eyes as i read both of your posts. i don't think i can add anything more. you both truly must have the heart of our Lord. i wrote a song a long time ago and it was after i had been visiting a nursing home for quite some time where we live. i was so impacted by those who were residents there. looking into their eyes and so much more revealed to me than what was on the outside of these precious people. how sad that so many have truly not seen the love of Christ because they have been treated like more of a burden than a blessing. yes, we will all one day leave this earth as we know it and come into the presence of our Lord. together we can show them Jesus and His love. Bless all of you.

I agree. Hateful people have been around since the beginning of time. I think people often comment about how much the younger generation has changed as far as morals, beliefs, religion, work ethics, etc. but they fail to look how the older generation has changed too in regards to all the above. Older people in my parents and grandparents time were happy with a roof over their head and kids were happy with listening to radio shows and a stocking at Christmas. But just as with our current generation that wants the tech gadgets, all the cable stations available and houses they can't afford -- our seniors have morphed into the same beings, yet in society's mind they are still those simple people wanting little.
It would have been awesome to have writings from caregivers from generations past. You are correct that regardless of family size, there is always one child doing the caregiving. My grandparents had two and it fell on my mom. My great aunt had eight children and it fell one one.
My dad used to say when he was a kid, an elderly person was in their 60's. I remember the first time I read about the woman who gave birth at 70. Medical science is a blessing and a curse.
And the mentoin of the lady living in her car. That is just heartbreaking. Just when I think I have read one of the worst situations on this forum, another gut wrenching story comes up.
And your ramblin' mood is just fine. ;)
Yes, we all are just holiding on to our own little piece of drifwood in the ocean. Some are waiting for the storm to pass, some are afraid to sink and I think some are praying to sink so it will all be over. Sad isn't it?

I realize that post wasn't entirely on topic, in a ramblin' mood tonight.

I suspect it's not that simple though because in generations past there certainly were nasty unpleasant people in the world - they aren't new to this time period. Those people had kids and then got old and needed care. I think a big difference is that most people had larger families and yet still one kid usually the spinster daughter got stuck with all the care duties. But odds are she was too busy to write books we could read today and the internet wasn't around then, also people died much faster, but I'd guess she was not a happy camper and those she cared for felt entitled to her care. Add to that as well that one entire household with numerous people could be supported on ONE breadwinner's salary. Things are so different now without a real government safety net (though better than none) and yet the requirements are so high to make a living wage and have insurance. So sacrificing one's health or ability to work at a high level to care for another is a whole different ballgame than it used to be. Even in the olden times that spinster caregiver was probably guaranteed room and board somewhere in someone's home at all times even after her parents passed on because of issues of family duty and social pressure. In modern times though if you lose the ability to earn and no one takes care of you you end up homeless - I know second-hand of someone in this exact situation her lost her professional qualifications while taking off years to take care for her mother and now lives in her car and she has a sibling, he just won't support her. And should he? Are we all just holding on to our own little piece of driftwood in the ocean afraid to sink?

And I did want to add. Yes, it is possible to be bitter over something you never knew you had. I was a teen and bitter that due to an illness I may never have a child because of the medications I had to take. Other teens who have had cancer go through worse than I did. These elderly adult have their kids/grandkids/great-grandkids and still it is not enough. During my illness, I never threatened, punched or harassed anyone around me nor was it my goal to make my caregivers miserable or suicidal or financially ruined. Same with the other teens I have known that fought the battle and won as well as those that died.

No, I wasn't addressing it just from the caregivers part.
Christina W you got my point exactly.
And let's remember, until a set of parents recently went to court, those transplants that children can now receive would go to an older person before the ten year old. So thank God some parents finally got tired of the age discrinimation and went through the court system.
Again, I think we dismiss children as unintelligent or lacking emotional or mental capacity to understand what is going on around them. Many children who have been sick for years grow up mentally and emotionally very fast because they are constantly surround by adults.
There is a huge different between stage four cancer of a child who has their entire life in front of them and someone wanting a "cure" for old age.
If they have not lived their dreams or had a chance to do what they wanted in 80 or 90 years then another 80 years won't help them much now would it?
The 120 plus people I mentioned that I volunteered for were not with their families. THey wer in a nursing home.
And yes, older people used to be honored before the change. The elderly poplulation used to do things worthy of being honored and give young people something to look up to. Now we are surround by people who feel entitled to blow their money, never save for that rainy day and expect their adult children to quit their jobs, take bankruptcy and kill themselves because they feel entitled. The stories on this forum are enough to break anyone's heart.
We have a spiritually and morally bankrupt generation that as Christina W said are miserable and intent on making everyone else the same. And yes, I know there are exceptions. And if you read long enough on this forum, you see many of these elderly people never were nice and that is why they are miserable now.

Old, unappreciative, grumpy, worthless people have REGRETS. They blew it. They kept WAITING for something to happen to them, to manage their lives, to go on a trip, to use the good china, to save money, to learn to play the piano, etc. Time ran out. Now they're pissed and it's TOO LATE.
So, why not be MISERABLE and make everyone around them miserable? Then they have used their remaining time consistently with the rest of their life.
Children are INNOCENT. They are closer to the Angels. They know they didn't do anything WRONG. They are always looking for a TREAT because they are GOOD. They deserve it.
To retain the qualities of childlike GRACE and hope takes perspective beyond the end of one's nose.

Joycews, you don't address the REASONS why children are more likely to be upbeat...you are focusing on the caregivers. Yes, having a sick child is hard, no one has denied that. And I am sure there may be some charities that 'make a wish' for elders but you rarely see/hear about them.

Facts are facts...it's hard to be bitter about something you never knew or had. Children don't have the mental and emotional capacity to know what they are going to miss, they can't process it like adults can. Seniors on the other hand are fully aware that they USED to be able to do things they cant' do anymore, they know they have nothing to look forward to, children have some hope...they COULD find a cure, they MIGHT have a treatment, they COULD get a transplant and if they do, they MAY have decades and decades to live...no one is going to find a cure for old age, death is coming and time has run out on them, there will never be a chance to live their dreams, never be a chance to do what they wanted to do...there are no more 'coulds' or 'mays' for them. And people view them with contempt...'they've lived too long' or 'old people USED to be nice'...well, old people USED to stay home with their families...old people used to be honored...

We're all going to be old, God willing, it behooves us to extend the grace we want to recieve..

Yes, Jinx4740 there were some different feelings. I think most on here have had experiences with elderly patients and not as much with younger children so there are some misconceptions. Children are not the only ones who receive wish trips. There is a group that gives veterans free air flights and trips to see the WWII Memorial. They even provide attendants to help them. There are free/discounted travel plans for seniors. In my state, there are also free university courses for senior citizens and many can see free broadway and other types of plays for simply handing out a brochure at the beginning of a performance.
It is also a miconception that children are not uprooted from what they know. We have children from all over the world come to the city I live in for a children's hospital here as well as a Ronald McDonald House. They often stay for months at a time trying to receive treatment to save their lives. They are uprooted from their schools, home, city, state and sometimes their country. Many times there are language barriers. Parents are living out of suitcases and often leave other children behind with the other parent. No, these parents may not be looking at a person with alzheimers or dementia but they are missing their other children and watching one dying or struggling to live.
Our family is involved in many children's charities and hear many struggles with children having meltdowns, needing to have psychariists called in, etc. But it gets handled. I see people who are giving up their jobs, pensions, retirement and taking bankruptcy after years of caregiving for parents who many times only reason for not wanting to go into assisted living or a nursing home is simply the mandate, "I don't want to go." We all often have to do things in life we don't want to do.
30 years ago, I used to candy stripe in a nursing home. I have had experience with 120 plus patients at a time and while there were 5-6 cranky ones, it was nothing to the level that I see with seniors now or that I read on here and I worked in all wings from assisted living to dementia/alzheimers. Somethings is different with this generation of elderly people. I know they are not all like this but it is a triat I am seeing more and more. Not just with my FIL but with others around his age in various degrees of health.
It has came to the point that if I do meet a senior like I knew 30 years ago, I am in awe. I am reading more stories in the news about seniors killing one another in murder-suicides, seniors killing inlaws (one recent story in our own city) and seniors killing grandchildren. Yet amongst these stories, I am reading more about children fighting terminal cancer who are starting charities or finding ways to give back to others. Many of these children if they do survive will be left infertile from the treatments. And older children and teens are more perceptive than people give them credit for.
Maybe we need to ask ourselves why seniors are given a free pass to be so bitter. Why have the jobs, homes, children and grandchildren not be enough for them to be grateful? And many are living 15-20 years older than their parents. I see so many kids grateful with a stuffed animal and have seen personally and read personally many adults who snarl and curse at the adult child who does everything for their parent while they are demanding more. Read the stories on this forum alone to see the hatred displayed to many of the caregivers. Yes, not all are that way but whew, the stories on here alone -- well, many of them make my FIL look like a choir boy.
If people have a chance, look at some charities working with kids and read the journals that parents put up online with their struggles. It will let people see both sides of the coin and really makes you sit an think about how the elderly handle things.

Joycews - I think you see a selected sample of both groups. No one would ever tell about a kid who was kicking up a fuss! And I suspect that lots of elders behave no worse than my father did: Acting like a real brat when the fear and pain ruled, and expressing gratitude whenever he felt better.

I don't deny your experience. I just think that most people of every age do try to do good, and behave well much of the time. We really notice the exceptions, because they are so unbearable. Call me Pollyanna.

All great responses and I do like what 'waitingtime" had to say, I could not have said it better.

Children are already dependent on adults for all of their practical needs, so they don't experience the loss of independence, privacy, and autonomy that an aging elder does. They don't have the dramatic shift in their whole identity and place in the world. So even while dying, they aren't coming from the same place and like has already been said people in general probably naturally respond to them with more compassion because they are children.

VERY well said, JoannaR! Am afraid my 3 years of caregiving, before my parents went to separate facilities, in addition to reading the many heartbreaking stories on this forum of destroyed caregivers' lives, has left me a bit harsh and judgmental on this topic.
I, too, wish to die with dignity, grace, love and honor, and that starts with facing reality and doing a little simplifying and planning accordingly, while I AM able to make those choices for myself. No, it is not pleasant to think about, but I don't want to be the crazy old lady forcibly removed from her home by Adult Protective Services, and warehoused in a government "home".

You are SO right, hadenough, about medical science. Great strides have been made to prolong the life of the physical body, but the mental health (Alzheimer's, dementia) has far to go. Don't think they realized until later how prevalent mental issues would be when extending the physical health.
I do think the WW2 generation was very strong and independent, and has a hard time being dependent on others for care when they are no longer able. But, that is simply the reality of aging. Again, facing reality will allow for a dignified transition.
(Sorry for the long vent......I don't usually do this.)

Thank you for starting such an interesting thread. When I first read your post I was feeling the same way this morning. Why does my 90 year old Mom not realize all we do for her and be more grateful. When I asked my Mom how she was this morning she said "why am I still alive?" Then followed that with "I have to go to the doctor because my knee is bothering me." Then I read the other posts and had to really think about this. I was starting to think that the WWII generation was especially entitled but now I think maybe they have just lived too long. Medical science does not ensure quality of life just additional quantity.

Yes, good points were made here. I guess it's not that black and white. I know that a high rate of seniors suffer from depression towards the end of life, and that in itself elevates irritability, etc. I also believe that character and personality traits play a huge part, as in what I've seen when people with difficult traits aren't always sweet and kind and in fact, their bad traits are only amplified. It's difficult. They say people die the way they lived. My beloved mother, Krystyna, wasn't exactly 'elder' at 66, but as she suffered with and died from cancer, she taught me how to die with dignity, grace, love and honor. Beauty. She never once complained and was literally an 'angel' to be around. What lessons! Sorry, you can choose to be a better person with age, or to be a sour lemon; there is no excuse to treat someone with disdain when they are trying to be there for you. It also shows the extent of someone's narcissistic and selfish side, which is very sad. All of us will cross over into the next life one day and we all have to find a way to make peace with that. Society also needs to start talking about death more and not pretend that it won't happen, because it WILL. God bless you all.

Excellent post, joycews; also, very perceptive responses from others.
While the innocence of childhood certainly has its blessing and limitations, adulthood brings the power to make good choices, and to not be a victim.

My elderly parents (90+) are exactly as described in the original post, and were the same way when they were a lot younger. No one wanted to be around them then, and no one wants to be around them now. Fortunately for them, they made enough money to PAY for someone to put up with them now.

Lesson learned: if you don't want to be alone, you need to be the kind of person that people WANT to be around - your choice.

First, I'm really sorry you have had family members who have been mean to you, and sorry your FIL is such a pain. Sounds as if the FIL in particular has always been selfish, so no reason to expect different behavior now. I think it's appropriate for you and your spouse to enforce boundaries, to not get sucked into his behavior, but instead to decide how much (if any) you want to be around him. I don't think it's a generational thing so much, though. I imagine plenty of parents of sick children have been kicked or hit or told "I hate you" by their children in the midst of treatment, but parents know not to take it personally and don't blame their children for it. And they don't mention those times in interviews. They know that the kids are in a very frightening situation. And, as alluded to in another comment, children are often treated more kindly by medical folks and others. (Children are innocent victims; older folks' behavior brought on their conditions. Yeah, that's often true. But they're both in pain and needing help and compassion, not judgment and begrudging service.)

Applause to "wantingtime"! The post, above, is well said. Bravo!!!

Not all senior citizens are grumpy. The ones who are, I think, are angry for a variety of reasons (often not recognized by them or vocalized) because they know their time is limited and can't do anything about it. They are angry because perhaps they want to do more, but health and/or finances limit them. They quite possibly are lonely, because many of their lifelong friends have passed, are in a facility, or are physically or mentally incapable of continuing the friendship. Family members are busy, and don't visit often. And...it can be as simple as 'things have changed' from how it was..."the good old days"...that will not return. They can feel left out, ignored, lacking purpose, and nothing to look forward to.

In general I think grumpy senior citizens are not happy with how things are in their life, but don't feel they can improve it or change it. They are tired and perhaps feel trapped.

You could possibly put them in better spirits by letting them know...they still matter. Ask for their advice on an issue or topic. Ask them questions about them, their history, their accomplishments. Simply spend time with them and LISTEN.

Probably because children and teens haven't been around long enough to be brainwashed by our death-denying culture.

maybe because children don't have the ability to comprehend the finality of death and the loss of things they never had? They haven't been beaten down by the trials of life, they haven't had to struggle and see all they have worked so hard for fade and degrade. They haven't seen their children looking with contempt at them or read about how horrible old people are...people have more sympathy for a sick child...how many of us have shrugged off an elderly person saying they didn't feel good?

yes, it's sad for a child to be sick but they don't face the same challenges, they don't have to worry about where they are going to live or die, they don't have to worry about being left alone, they don't have their belongings taken and sold off or thrown out. How many charities give 'dream vacations' or 'make a wish' to kids.....have you EVER heard of an old person being surprised with a 'dream vacation' regardless of what disease they have?

Children aren't blamed for their own conditions...but we do that to old people: "She should have watched her weight!" "He shouldn't have smoked"..

yeah, it's a bit easier to be charitable and happy when you are a child instead of an old person.

Quite simply, some elderly folks lack a childlike faith.. and they are narcissistic and selfish at the core.