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We gave the checks back to our mom to take care of her. My sister cashed them in years ago, but she just told me about it. What can I do? She also admitted to some other things that I did not know.
This is so common. My elderly clients (geriatric care manager) all say their children would never steal from them, but in over 50% of my cases greed and exploitation are involved. But, attorneys also tell me that less than 10% result in any reimbursement and even less in prosecution. That money is lost. I'd let the sister know you are wise to her theft, but there is nothing you can do. But then watch you back because she will try to discredit you with your mother and other family members.
Let - it go. Anything you do will make the family situation worse. If you have your sister put in jail, what will that accomplish? If you get a lawyer and sue, you might win, you will disrupt the family, maybe permanently causing family members to have to take sides. Even if they all agree with you, it will be still be emotionally disruptive and on some level, some of the family members will blame you for causing the ruption. Furthermore, at the end of the day, unless your sister has the money, if you litigate, you win a right to the money and not the actual money. You then have to spend years enforcing your right.
On the other hand, if your family is already terribly broken, one more thing may not make a difference.
I think we need the questions posed by the first commentors answered first and foremost - how was sis with mom? Is mom still living? How are family dynamics overall? Do you truly think sis would steal from Mom?
Let's get those answers first, before suggesting they go in, guns blazing, all lawyered up.
I've noticed often when these situations come up, everyone gets all worked up to find that a family member did a home repair on a parents home, or bought the parents decent clothes to wear because everything they had was torn, some type of cost like that, then siblings come out with teeth bearing on the attack for nothing, look like fools and upsetting the parent in the end. I would just let it go. If it were a large sum, and I mean 10,000 or more, then look into it, otherwise let it go.
If the money was a "gift" or inheritance she can use it anyway she likes. If the money was given as a way to "hide" money so that either parent could qualify for assistance ...well then ...I am not going to make a comment...
If the money was divided with the understanding that it would be used to care for your Mom was the agreement put in writing? If so then you may have reason to sue. If there was no agreement then there probably is not much that can be done. Personally my feeling is...life is already difficult enough when caring for someone, stressful enough without adding more aggravation and "drama" put this out of your mind, as the song says...Let it go.... Let your mind be free of this if your sister feels guilty that is on her, if not then you are the one that will bear the brunt of the aggravation not her since it does not bother her to begin with. Worry about things that you can address not things that you have no control over.
I agree with Susan. We don't have enough information to give advice. Was it $20 or $2M? Is the sister the POA or a caregiver? Is the mother legally incompetent so the bank would let the daughter do the banking? Banks are really choosy about cashing out CDs.
Why the shell game? Dad should have left the money untouched, to automatically become mom's spousal asset upon dad's death.
If sheltering from Medicaid is a priority, the CD maneuver merely added complication. If an entity other than mom is the CD owner, dad's "gifting" is subject to Medicaid's 7-year look-back. If mom is the CD owner, it is subject to Medicaid spend-down.
Also, if your mother was formerly broke (on paper), then suddenly became the owner of a hefty CD, this may not go unnoticed by federal, state and local tax bureaus.
Why did your father think that playing Santa Claus to his adult children was more important than ensuring mom's financial security?
And it took this long to figure out that sis' contribution is missing from the CD purchase?? Hard to believe that whoever spearheaded the CD didn't notice that a fraction of the "kitty" was missing at the time of purchase.
Sorry for the ramble. Whatever the backstory, you are in good company on AC Forum.
Plenty of us here are reeling from our parents' lack of financial planning....or their short-sighted maneuvers that brought long-term consequence. And AC Forum has many, many threads about rogue siblings!
This is why ALL SIBLINGS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE CARE OF AN AGING PARENT! Even if the sister was the DPOA there should be a trail or accounting for where the money went and all the siblings have the right to know. They may not like it, but they do deserve to know. Saying all of this let me just tell you that I am currently sitting on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE!
I was DPOA and took my position VERY seriously. I took over my mothers accounts to save her and the estate from ruin. Mom was giving money to anyone who called or came to her door asking for donations. I lived with her and saw what was happening and knew the only way to end this was to take DPOA and handle her finances for her. This also meant an end to siblings making "back room deals" to "borrow" money that was never being repaid.
Mom died 3 years ago and I am still being bombarded by one sibling who just believes within their heart that I MUST HAVE STOLEN MONEY FROM MY MOTHERS ACCOUNTS! They just cannot accept the fact that any and all money spend was spend on my mother's care and the up keep on her home. There was no extravagant spending or remodeling ever done!
Now however she has turned her "thoughts or beliefs" into all out accusations that I must have taken at least $100,000 for my own benefit. Now comes the time that I am having to haul out all cancelled checks, statements, bills etc and show her once again that I have stolen nothing, absolutely nothing. The funny thing is that the majority of this money went to "in home care" that was needed when I had to leave my mothers home for medical reasons. I did not even write these checks, she did!!!!
Money can do horrible things to people and it can break families apart. In my opinion the woman who cashed all the checks needs to account for the spent money but those asking about it need to ask themselves what they did to help the entire time mom was alive with caring for her and meeting all her needs, being there to relieve the overburdened caregiver allowing her to rest. Many siblings will throw out money rather than spend actual time caring for the parent, then when the money is gone they are in shock and begin to scream "where did all that money go?" Well, I just have to ask where were YOU when Mom or Dad needed help? If you had been there day in and day out you would know what happened to the money....it was spent to care for OUR AGING, DISABLED AND ILL PARENT....WHEN YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO LEND A HELPING HAND!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
On the other hand, if your family is already terribly broken, one more thing may not make a difference.
Let's get those answers first, before suggesting they go in, guns blazing, all lawyered up.
Who is your mother's Power of Attorney?
Does the amount of money missing qualify as Grand Larceny? You might want to contact your local District Attorney to get guidance.
If the money was given as a way to "hide" money so that either parent could qualify for assistance ...well then ...I am not going to make a comment...
If the money was divided with the understanding that it would be used to care for your Mom was the agreement put in writing? If so then you may have reason to sue. If there was no agreement then there probably is not much that can be done.
Personally my feeling is...life is already difficult enough when caring for someone, stressful enough without adding more aggravation and "drama" put this out of your mind, as the song says...Let it go....
Let your mind be free of this if your sister feels guilty that is on her, if not then you are the one that will bear the brunt of the aggravation not her since it does not bother her to begin with.
Worry about things that you can address not things that you have no control over.
If sheltering from Medicaid is a priority, the CD maneuver merely added complication. If an entity other than mom is the CD owner, dad's "gifting" is subject to Medicaid's 7-year look-back. If mom is the CD owner, it is subject to Medicaid spend-down.
Also, if your mother was formerly broke (on paper), then suddenly became the owner of a hefty CD, this may not go unnoticed by federal, state and local tax bureaus.
Why did your father think that playing Santa Claus to his adult children was more important than ensuring mom's financial security?
And it took this long to figure out that sis' contribution is missing from the CD purchase?? Hard to believe that whoever spearheaded the CD didn't notice that a fraction of the "kitty" was missing at the time of purchase.
Sorry for the ramble. Whatever the backstory, you are in good company on AC Forum.
Plenty of us here are reeling from our parents' lack of financial planning....or their short-sighted maneuvers that brought long-term consequence. And AC Forum has many, many threads about rogue siblings!
I was DPOA and took my position VERY seriously. I took over my mothers accounts to save her and the estate from ruin. Mom was giving money to anyone who called or came to her door asking for donations. I lived with her and saw what was happening and knew the only way to end this was to take DPOA and handle her finances for her. This also meant an end to siblings making "back room deals" to "borrow" money that was never being repaid.
Mom died 3 years ago and I am still being bombarded by one sibling who just believes within their heart that I MUST HAVE STOLEN MONEY FROM MY MOTHERS ACCOUNTS! They just cannot accept the fact that any and all money spend was spend on my mother's care and the up keep on her home. There was no extravagant spending or remodeling ever done!
Now however she has turned her "thoughts or beliefs" into all out accusations that I must have taken at least $100,000 for my own benefit. Now comes the time that I am having to haul out all cancelled checks, statements, bills etc and show her once again that I have stolen nothing, absolutely nothing. The funny thing is that the majority of this money went to "in home care" that was needed when I had to leave my mothers home for medical reasons. I did not even write these checks, she did!!!!
Money can do horrible things to people and it can break families apart. In my opinion the woman who cashed all the checks needs to account for the spent money but those asking about it need to ask themselves what they did to help the entire time mom was alive with caring for her and meeting all her needs, being there to relieve the overburdened caregiver allowing her to rest. Many siblings will throw out money rather than spend actual time caring for the parent, then when the money is gone they are in shock and begin to scream "where did all that money go?" Well, I just have to ask where were YOU when Mom or Dad needed help? If you had been there day in and day out you would know what happened to the money....it was spent to care for OUR AGING, DISABLED AND ILL PARENT....WHEN YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO LEND A HELPING HAND!
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