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If my husband tells me to choose between him and caring for my Mom, how do I choose?

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That is a strange question coming from your hubby after re-reading some of your past postings.

Last month you mentioned that your Mom has enough money to hire caregivers, yet your husband didn't think it was a good idea to spend the money. And now he wants you to choose? Does he have a change of heart of having his mother-in-law use her own money for caregivers?

Just trying to figure out where his question about choosing is coming from.
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I am sorry...I didn't put enough information on here. He has NOT asked me to choose, but I can see that he isn't happy with the current situation. Even though the caregivers are there, and I only have to spend the nights there, he sees how much pressure I have been under with taking care of her, including financially. I can see changes in him and while we have talked about it, I am not ready to put Mom in a nursing home, and even if I do, my burden will be lifted physically but not mentally nor financially (I take care of all her bills, medications, etc.)

It should have been worded to be more of a general question...i.e. how do you handle it if you are asked to choose?
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If it were me I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage to care for my elderly parent but I hope that I would have married a man who wouldn't put me in a position of having to choose between him and my elderly parent.
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Perfect, Eyerish.
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When my dad was living with me, my husband and my adult son who has autism and seizures, it just got too much for me and my husband was not happy about it. So we chose to keep our family intact and my dad went to AL. I am still in charge of many things for my dad who recently started treatment for active multiple myeloma, but we (my husband, son and I) have the space we need to be a family while helping my dad, instead of my dad taking all the air out of the room. There can be a better balance and having my dad in a nearby AL has achieved that for our family.
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My father and mother in law have lived wth us for 8 years. It took me a while to realize all the decisions my husband made was in the best interest of his parents and not us. Spouses have to step aside in many cases and after a while it gets hard to be second best.
My father in law is a horrible person and my husband just got the ultimatum from me. If he chooses his dad then fine. But I refuse to be on the back burner in my life any longer.
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I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you my story. My sister and 2 caregivers and myself took care of my parents. They moved closer to me in 1997 and brought grandmom with them. i had twin 7 yrs and an infant. Shortly thereafter mom diagnosed with breast cancer, 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation then grandmom declined and out on hospice then died. Mom diagnosed with dementia, dad had back surgery and mom got worse. Did my husband complain? Absolutely! Was frustrated why I was doing the most when I was one of 4. One on disability with chrons other 2 worked. Eventually, in addition to my kids, my husband had to pitch in too. Mom fell and shattered her wrist, hosp, rehab & operation. Dad had a heart attack in rehab for back surgery. Needless to say, things very stressful because dad was no longer the in between caregiver for mom, I needed to attend school meetings, sporting events, etc. Needed visitor for dad, caregiver for mom and then stuff with kids. Husband did b*tch quite often but everyone did. Husband had to be the caregiver many times. At this point the sister who actually helped just couldn't do it anymore and sent an email to all saying this and that she would research a nursing home for both mom and dad. My husband was furious! Over his dead body! Never putting my parents in a home. Said we would sell parents house and ours and move them in with us. Took us a long time to find a house and my mom died before we moved. Now 7 yrs later I can say that was one if the proudest moments of my life when my husband and sons agreed to take on full responsibility for my parents. My husband complained and b*tched a lot. I had read the email earlier and was mentally trying to prepare myself because I honestly never thought my husbands response would be what it was. I would often say to my husband through the years that if it was his mom who needed help did he think that i would sit back and do nothing. Hopefully you won't have to choose. God Bless and good luck. (Sorry for writing a book but I needed to sit and take a break, cleaning bathrooms stink!) 😊
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Patrice, very moving story and revelations about how your husband stepped up to the plate and supported you when the situation required it.
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I am that I don't have a husband because caring for an elderly parent takes focus and energy. So my hat and heart goes out to the women who are in a constant juggling act between there husband and parent. I would love to have the support of a husband. It sounds like your husband has some valid concerns. What God has put together let no man separate.
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I if you are spending nights away from home caring for your parent, I can see why things are changing. You aren't living with him anymore. I personally would never opt to care for a parent in that fashion. That, in my opinion, is unfair.
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I'm not in this position but I've told my husband in no uncertain terms that I will never live with his parents. I don't care what condition they are in.

Before anyone goes off on me let me explain.

His parents have never welcomed me or shown the slightest bit of interest in me as an individual. They have tolerated me cause I am their son's wife, just barely.
I tried in the beginning with them and when I say beginning I mean the first ten years of our relationship. But when the trying was never reciprocated I just gave up.

I am a kind, charitable person but when people treat me like I don't exist. Well I won't exist for them when the time comes where they need care. I'm not going to ruin my life for hateful people.
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You are not married to your parents, you are married to your spouse. Spouse will (probably) still be alive long after parents have left the scene permanently. So, if you choose parents over spouse, they will die, you will be alone (hard to say what any children of yours will do). And then what? Proceed to destroy your own childrens lives and marriages?? Something to consider.
And Mandylou, where the inlaws treat you like sh**, and hubby chooses them? Good riddance hubby, why subject yourself to that.
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Don't get me wrong. I took care of my own Mom till she died. But that was different circumstances. My Mom was always my best friend and hell would freeze over before I would of let anyone hurt her.

In my spouse's case if his parents ever showed even a smidgen of the kindness my Mom exhibited on a daily basis I would feel differently about them. But not so far.
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Patrice2oz, that was a lovely response from your husband, and I know mine would do the same. Of course there are complaints, that's stress for ya. But my husband went through years of me having to leave home at every emergency regarding my parents, and never complained, so many times I took off time from work, sometimes weeks, but he was a Gem! You know you have a good marriage, when you get through the tough times, and Caregiving is no picnic! We have had my FIL for 11 years now and going strong, we will do our best together til the end!
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I don't think it is to that point yet, is it? And it is probably not that hubby is wanting you to "choose" in terms of either stop caring about your mother or we get a divorce. I can see why that idea might be appealing though - only have one person to try (and fail) to please instead of two.

The real answer to your question is a harder path - it will involve not sitting there fearful that you will be asked "to choose," but how can you and your husband work out something that is best for your marriage and mom's real care needs - not just whims and wants that are not reasonable or practical, but real needs. It involves thinking, maybe outside-of-the-box thinking, how can you have time to be there for mom, to keep your marriage alive, and take reasonable care of yourself all at the same time - how can he help ease your burdens, how can you not be run ragged 24 x 7 x 365.

I would agree that a man who said for you to utterly abandon your mother to the wolves or he's leaving the marriage is not a good man to be married to. But that's not the case, is it? He is human and will tend to see things from his perspective, sure, and if your perspective does not register with him, then absolutely consider getting at least a few sessions of counseling to help you communicate. If your perspective is that you feel guilt and pain every time you are away from your mother, so you spend every possible moment with her to the exclusion of the rest of the family, you are probably going to need to change that somehow.

If part of the answer is to have Mom in assisted living or skilled nursing that does NOT necessarily equate to abandonment, and if that is the only way to care for her but also have some respite or family time it should not be off the table. Maybe he and you are both ready to have some paid caregiving respite time instead. What it means is you have to talk about it. Honestly. Real feelings, not blamings and should-feels. Then do the things that will make your lives happier without becoming truly irresponsible, as best as you can discern them, with an open path to talk about it more as things change, because they will.
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I would choose my spouse... but only if he did not put me in a position like that. The spouse that I have would not do that, and I would choose him.
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Previously when my dad became ill in year 2000, my then fiance' told me he didn't want me moving in with my dad to care for hi. If it became necessary because I had two brothers. We split about 6 months after my dad's passing. I didn't move in with him, but did take my turn to care for him when necessary. Keep in mind we practically lived with his mother to care for her at one point after his father passed and she broke her hip. I had enough of sleeping on the floor, etc. and I went back home. Currently I don't think my husband would even say that with his father living with us, but would expect my brothers to help out. My mom has told me she could never live with us though.
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I can't imagine asking a spouse to allow my parents to move in with us and share in the caregiving responsibilities. Nor would I expect to be asked to do that for his parents. Caregiving is a tremendous responsibility and it affects every aspect of your life. I think sometimes we need to remember that we only spend about 18 to 20 years with our parents and we commit many more years to a spouse. Some are lucky and are together 50 or more years. That being said I would not expect either set of parents be neglected. Other caregiving options would have to be chosen. I would not give up my marriage or the privacy of our home for caregiving responsibilities.
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It is good I think for a man to respect and care for his, in my case, mother. I hope my comment is on topic. My experience as a wife is this: My husband of over 26 years has always put his mother first, and sort of created situations where a choice was needed. At the time we married, my family was mostly gone, so I was eager to embrace his family. He kept me apart from them, he was deceptive, I do not know why, it has been a sadness. This controlling deceptive behavior is not confined to relations with his family, my point is that I was not able to enjoy his mother early on and now it is a bit difficult for me to visit her as her dementia progresses. She is in assisted living, her own four daughters have minimal contact. I love her, yet it is hard, and I feel guilty. For my own sake, I need to rise above, as I am violating my own values by not being more generous with my time. Frankly, this is how petty I am, it is hard to listen to her complain about small things, she lives in luxury, when I am struggling to pay for my son's dental needs, and her son, my husband, has been so fiscally irresponsible it is hard to fathom. My husband is somewhat passive too, so her other children will ask for things, he will not. My son did some work on her house, along with another grandson, both good men. She was never a grandmother to my son. Neither of them were paid as much as promised, and they were paid months after the fact. While this does not bother my son, it does bother me, I am working on these character flaws. Thanks.
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This question is already answered years before a couple is married and caregiving only brings the issue to the surface.

A man who is emotionally enmeshed with his mother has been that way from childhood and his wife will always play second fiddle to her. Emotionally speaking, he's more married to his mother than to his wife.

Likewise, a woman who is emotionally enmeshed with her mother has been that way all of her life and her husband will always be second place to her all of his married life. She's actually emotionally more married to her mother than to her husband.

The honest truth is that both of these are classical examples of emotional incest which the parent grooms the child for from a very early age by making the child their "emotional partner", an "emotional substitute" for the other spouse. Such a person never has nor has ever been allowed to leave the emotional womb for they are not seen as a fully separate human being from the parent.

The other person in such emotional triangles is left out and made to feel that there is a third person in their marriage for that is how it truly is.

The result of such triangles is that the parent is honored above the marriage and above the adult child's care of their own life. It's emotional unfaithfulness and destroys the intimacy of the marriage.

Some spouses who fight for their marriages do win the heart of their spouse back from the parent, usually the spouse's mother, but others don't. It is a fearful and difficult journey to get free of such emotional entanglement, but it can and has been done.

All to often what happens in the dynamics of emotional incest is the marriage is conveniently thrown under the bus without a second thought despite pleas to the contrary. Such a view has been seen in comments like 'oh spouses, come and go, but you only have one mom.' If someone is emotionally married to their mom or dad, they should have never gotten married in the first place until getting free.

The parent of the enmeshed spouse becomes seen not as their parent but given that it is usually the mom, they are seen by the non enmeshed spouse as "the other woman."

Very often the spouse with an enmeshed mom is seeking for that mom to be the loving parent that they never were and never will be. It is presumption not faith that leads them to sacrifice so completely for the sake of such change than is never gained.

I see this all the time. It is both as sad as it is sick!
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Metrie,

You are married to a mom enmeshed man. You need to read the book, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Kenneth M. Adams.

That author also wrote the book, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners which would provide some insight into this dynamic.

You are not alone in your struggle for their are husbands with wives in the same emotional dynamic in which her mom is # 1 and always has been even before getting old and needy, plus having tons of money which would have been nice to have had some to help pay their boys going to college and get this, the wife's mom has found a way to set up a trust for her in such a way that the husband will not be able to benefit from. That's just sick, bad and wrong.
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This is a great question. Back in 2002, when the prospect of having my dad move in with is was first introduced, my husband did not hesitate to say "yes."

At the time, Dad was a very youthful 75, and we were all on board with how we would accommodate the change in dynamic for the three of us. Dad had previously owned his home and so had we. There were rough spots along the way, but for the most part, it went well; Dad had his own routine, and we had ours.

Only within the past couple of years did Dad begin to experience significant physical, mental and emotional decline.

As this situation progressed, I made sure my husband understood that HE still came first, and always would. I promised him that if I sensed that things were beginning to adversely affect our home life, despite my best efforts to shield him, then I'd do what I could to seek a resolution.

I reinforced that the myriad elements of Dad's care were mine to shoulder, so as to not burden him. And for the most part, I was successful in keeping a balance. Only within the past few months did Dad's multiple illnesses really begin to converge, and this inevitably imposed a great emotional difficulty upon me.

My husband has stepped up many times to assist in different ways, and knows how much I deeply appreciate this. Still, I was steadfast that it wasn't his "burden to bear" because he's had his own heartache in developing his career in this crap economy.

Now, the VA has made long term care accessible to my dad, as part of the home based primary care enrollment months ago. He will soon be living in a wonderful medical foster home, and receive the supervision, PT and care he really needs.

As I'd observed between my own parents, my marriage must also come first. So although my caregiving role will likely continue in some form, I'm thankful that my husband and I have been able to weather this storm together.
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AMEN!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing this with us!!!!
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My sympathies in your struggle. It is a sad world when we can only see that we have a choice between two people who would likely have us commit our every waking thought and action towards their needs and wants, denying that we have a life, needs and wants, or a choice. I might have missed your point entirely, so I am going to pass on this advice, once given to me:
'There are always three choices: Decide for, decide against, or decide to defer your decision to a later time.
Eyerish has the best answer.
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for anyone thinking of marrying a mamas boy, read this post. (or a daddys girl)
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My SO was supportive of my dad moving in with us. Until dad started verbally attacking him and claiming he did not belong in the house. Third time he did it in front of me, and I promptly sat Dad down and made very clear that his behavior was unacceptable, and he needed to apologize. He did not, at which point I told him we would be going to tour assisted living places, because if he couldn't respect SO he couldn't stay in our house.

Last week I got the call that the first choice ALF has an apartment open for him. We're moving him Friday, barring complications.

BTW, in the meantime Dad has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment and early (fast-developing) dementia. So ALF would have had to happen soon, anyway.
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My old-country MIL depended a lot on my husband, her oldest son (of 5), and spoiled her youngest. I worried about this at first, but luckily a daughter needed a baby sitter and moved Grandma 80 miles away. (They left Grandpa here with us, the folks actually did better living apart.) Fortunately, Grandma was smart enough to get both the youngest DIL and I in her camp, , and as it worked out, we were her primary caretakers her last year. Not all strong, domineering moms try to cause issues with the DIL's.
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While we might be in disbelief about this, but there are mommy's girls out there two who are just as enmeshed with their moms as mommy's boys are with their moms. Only the mamma's boys and daddy's girls get the book titles and chapter titles while the mommy's girls only get mentioned indirectly.
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Someone said "you are married to your spouse, but not married to your parents". It made me think that you can also find many many other spouses but only one set of parents. Your spouse can walk out on you tomorrow, but those elder bones will stand by for your best interest (intentions matter) till they drop dead.
Having a satisfaction that you cared for the most vulnerable members of your family is immense. Gratification of serving another human, especially your own, puts you to sleep at night.
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A spouse who is "married to a parent" is not fully connected with their spouse for one must "emotionally" leave home in order to cleave to one's spouse. Otherwise, there is a third party in the marriage who happens to be the spouse's parent. Spouses aren't meant to be thrown away as if one does this at some point and then clings to their parent until death do they part. When this happens, it is evidence that the marriage lacked true intimacy.  On the other hand, this does not mean having throw away parents, but having a different relationship with them than one had emotionally with them as a child. 
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