91 yo father with serious memory decline has been adjusting to our (his son and daughter) ongoing and increasing oversight and assistance with financial, health, and home maintenance for several years now. His wife is openly unsupportive of our oversight, speaks critically about everything we do for him (unless it’s something she would not want to do or pay for him) and calls us ‘controlling’ and openly verbally assaults us yelling false information in front of dad -which upsets him greatly and causes him additional internal conflict. We ALL know (dad too) she is physically incapable of meeting his needs even living in his home with him. We have ALL discussed both their limitations and abilities as a ‘package deal’ and assure them both that we can add measures as they are needed- which should help her as well. But she is increasingly verbally defiant and defensive towards us (as she sees his mental decline but tells us when it fits her story that there is nothing much wrong with his mind) and it is evident her attitude is adversely effecting dads well-being and acceptance. We hoped to advance assistance provided in his home gradually too as indicated by his cognitive decline but she is now starting to openly create irrational dramatic chaos rages and rants toward us each personally.
Declining father has fair amount of resistance to changes as can be expected but now the additional road block to his acceptance for increased care and oversight is his wife. Trying to keep the perspective on dad while she cusses and name calls us in front of him is undermining the plan for gradual peaceful transition from being independent to his increasing levels of dependency.
My brother is already the POA but he still gives dad access to fluid assets and my dad has set her up with a home, car, and large funds in bank to ensure she is ‘set’ when he passes. I am his health surrogate and she has no involvement in his health and is too ill to be. She lives in his home with him where he wants to die. Re the money- Dad is unable to make ‘large ticket’ decisions and she only wants to ‘make’ large ticket decisions anymore. Mind you dad (via my brother money management) continues to support dads payment for all her expenses and bills for both of them however she resents our knowing anything that involves the both of them- tax filings, dental plan, home maintenance choices and expenditures for his home. So very few things involve her directly but when they do she ‘calls us out on the rug’ for asking for details to deal with these issues. When she wants things done to her home my dad is allowed to write a check and so far she gets whatever she wants without our oversight for fiduciary responsibility. And we are aware of her ‘extremely costly’ choices.
For years now she has been telling dad that we are trying to get him declared incompetent and take all his ‘control’ away. But we continue to ensure dad and provide facts that disprove her claims but still endure her abuse toward us and brainwashing dad to believe all we have is malintent for him. It’s quickly approaching a time for some cognitive testing for dad as he continues make more compromised choices to his physical safety and finances while existing in a toxic and insecure environment maliciously created by his wife. I understand her responses are ‘gaslighting’ as in she wants to make us look bad so she can look better? !
There are a lot of specific supporting details left unsaid to corroborate my statements of LO and his wife’s ‘capabilities’ so please suffice it to assume my above claims are truthful and accurate.
So the question- how best to deal with a LO's wife who cannot meet LO's physical safety, nutritional, financial or emotional needs for a peaceful and secure home setting, plus intentionally creates doubt in LOs cognitive declining mind that his legally designated children’s oversights and actions are necessary, rational, conservative, fiscally responsible, and considerate to both?
My dad is a diehard ‘habitually my way’ person that does not want to let go of his independence - in all realms of life- but he has gradually accepted that its easier and more thorough to let us guide him and keep him included in the choices he legitimately has. We want him to feel secure, have confidence we are looking out for his future needs, intervening along his aging journey as it becomes apparent there are deficits that negatively impact his health, wellbeing, and yes- financial too. This wife is oblivious and now destructive to all of these goals. For past 2 years he’s believing it’s ok for him to eat 2 meals a day- skip breakfast- he’s lost 25 lbs in past 18 months. short of living there myself which I cannot conceive of doing while wife is there.
the next intervention is to hire a caregiver to come to prep breakfast and lunch daily. Just to ensure he’s not missing meals while wife sleeps.
wife will likely ax that idea and pitch it as a negative to dad... and he’s pretty much lost cognitive power to realize how it impacts his life- plus he never had much common sense about such things anyway... maybe there is no way to help either of them in this situation. Had sincerely hoped we’d enjoy his last years with him feeling loved and cared for. Wife sure has altered this idea for all of us.
Your statement suggests your care is very much concentrated on your father, perhaps there is more of a need than you are seeing for care for his wife as well. If they sound and behave irrationally then usually there is something not right somewhere.
is free’. Started a decade affair while dad & mom were married plus the 16 years since her death we are now familiar with her ways of manipulating him to obtain her end goal ( everything she can get from him) after watching and assimilating the results to date. While it is his money and previous lifestyle she alikened herself to in the beginning she soon realized and now says ‘I didn’t marry an old man’
She has brittle diabetes other diagnosis with medications which she cannot afford along with ALL other independent life expenses that he has set her up with- big house in another town, car, and he pays for all that is needed for its upkeep.
She has never been involved in anything for dads benefit except on his arm eye candy to Drs appts. Trouble started when dad started needing specific care, better nutrition, oversight and provision of cooked meals and medications which are already set up and he needs reminders. relationship between her and brother reached eruption years ago when she threatened to leave dad and dad had helped her load her bags. At this point she said she expected 1 million dollars to be willed at dads demise! So brother got and attorney and dad was on way to sign when she returned... it’s been a disaster since then. we asked for more of her coop and have realized her physical and emotional limits by her ‘inactions’ to provide him with 3 meals, reminders for meds, companionship during his waking hours. Currently he rises at 5-6am, eats cookies or packaged sweet rolls, she awakes between 12-2pm and he has ‘breakfast’. If she does not feel like cooking dinner they go out to eat- even during active Covid she takes him to spend money.I stepped in about 3 years ago when dad asked me re his health issues- I am an RN. And have had him on the medical circuit for interventional pain control and Veteran appts as needed, eye, hearing, etc. I set up and deliver weekly Med planners. I’ve asked her too many times to remind him to take meds- she never does. Recently learned reason she’s been asking for new mattress ( in her master bedroom) is because when dad sleeps on it he has been bed wetting there for almost 1 year- she has never put protection over the mattress. I’ve offered to help her with her health matters but she never gives any details or accepts. So our focus is our dad because she is deficient in ability or willingness to help with his basic needs on a daily basis. we don’t blame her but dad has unmet needs
our impression is that she is older too, has serious health issues which make her feel bad. she demonstrates little common sense and zero compassion for others needs and enjoys throwing money at anything she can because she said ‘I love to spend money- it gives me a thrill’.
I do not want to rock her boat in any way or prevent her from having her needs met physically or emotionally or financially as dad wants to give her these things. But she openly speaks to turn dad against our involvement- instead of showing any appreciation for ALL we do she try’s to build a barrier between dads legally drafted appointment for our roles in oversight and presses upon him an impression that we are ‘controlling’ him.
unfortunately I believe she is really upset because he has cognitive impairment and he resents spending half his day alone so he’s possibly short tempered with her. But she tells us ‘his mind is just fine- he’s a little forgetful’. The evidence of his actions and interactions however tell us there is increasing loss of cognitive comprehension, memory, mindfulness, plus more. She on the other side reacts to us as intolerant of our ‘interference’, openly says she hates all of us, thinks we ‘try to control’ every situation. Maybe she thinks the sooner he dies the more money and grief she’d have.this is about dad!
Do you want to remove him from his home?
I understand how extremely stressful, worrying and disheartening your and your brother's situation can be, I honestly do. But - it's not really a but, it's just an observation. The tone you're taking sounds pretty high-handed and overbearing just to me, and you're not coming into my home and making decisions for my husband that also affect me.
Still - it might make a very big difference what her own health and care issues are. Do you expect much to change in either of them over the next, say, 3 months?
She isn't gaslighting, not that it matters. What matters is that the conflict is painful, especially for your father, which is horrible for all of you (including her, by the way). I really hope there will be a way through.
I think you are in a pretty tough situation and wish there was an answer. Be guided by a REALLY GOOD attorney.
Has she always behaved in this manner? You know, opposed to you and your brother. Does she feel threatened by each of you?
You have your dad’s best interest at heart. Does she realize this? Does she see that both of you are looking out for her as well?
I truly feel badly for your dad because he is caught in the middle of the crossfire. That isn’t good for his emotional or physical health.
I bet he doesn’t like seeing his wife upset but I am quite sure that he doesn’t appreciate the way she is treating each of his children either.
Is there anyone else that could act as a mediator for you to explain that this is the way it has to be and why?
How do the two of you feel about your father being at home with his health issues?
Do you feel that he would do better in a facility?
He has a right to desire to remain at home but it isn’t always possible or the best choice for him.
You mentioned that your stepmom is ill? How ill is she?
Does your stepmom have any family members other than your family to help with current and future situations?
I realize that you are doing your best. You are handling the necessary tasks but it appears this turmoil is going to continue unless something can be done to resolve these issues. I am not sure what exactly can be done.
Hopefully, other posters will make some suggestions that may be feasible for you.
Even though it seems Dad has set everything up and she has been told about it, its her home and her husband. You must understand where she is coming from. You have taken control over her life too. but I understand why.
As Dads desease progresses, he may need more care than u can give. At that time, their assets get split. Her getting 50% and staying in the home. His half being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. The split with SS and any pension will be determined by how much she needs to live on. She will become the community spouse.
right she’s feeling challenged while living in his home. They share nothing in joint names- dad purposely set that up. But he has access to a sizable checking that operates the rental property income ( brother manages for dad) and includes personal spending expenses. I truly believe she wants him to die and be done with ‘all of us’. She is used to ‘having it all’ from dad but dad has put some brakes on her recently too- then he caved... thousands for this and that- at her underutilized home - and she complains if we make efforts to
guide dad to choose wisely- termite treatments, appliance repairs vs buying new, she must have only all brand name everything from crushed tomatoes to furnace repairs including vent cleanout and expensive air purifier put on his neatly dead furnace. It’s just like she had him buy for her house along with 4K mold remediation for a broken water line. And she continues to smoke in HIS HOme
Forgive me -she may have some positive attributes ( I am not personally aware of any) but she has no common sense or knowledge of how to spend money wisely- except her money - which I’ve never known her to pay for anything for my dad that he hasn’t paid her back for- even deodorant and listerine!
thanks for listening and offering ideas and consolation for this deeply divided situation.