What do you do when your sister has POA over your father who has dementia and you are worried? My dad developed dementia about 8 years ago. At first, my sister, my brother and myself discussed what would be best for him. My brother lives out of state and has not had much to do with my dad over the years since my mom passed away. When dad was still in his own home, my sister and me would take turns going over to check on him and care for him. It finally became evident that he could not live alone. My sister decided he should move in with her. She bought a house and had it remodeled so that he would have his own area (small bedroom, kitchen area and an area with a table in front of the window to sit and do puzzles etc) He has been living with her for over 7 years. The first year I would go over once a week to shower him but after that, we had some issues because she didn't feel I was doing enough. Since then I have taken him home every other weekend, and for around 21/2 months out of the year I take him every single weekend. I never asked for money to do this even though i knew she was taking expense money and money for remodeling and stuff. For the first three years not even money for supplies. It wasn't really too big a deal for me. He wasn't difficult and we didn't need the extra money. The past few years dad has been regressing and is not a full time job to care for. He is incontinent of both urine and bowels, periodically he falls and his behavior is getting worse as well. I approached my sister about looking into options for him and she went off on me about never putting dad in a home. I get this. don't want to either. My concern is that my sister and he significant other have health problems and dad is only going to get worse. I want to have a plan for him in case she can't take care of him anymore. I'm also getting pretty burned out with the weekends and am afraid to approach her on possibly giving me more money so I can hire someone to help me. I work 40 hours during the week, sometimes bringing work home. My biggest concern is his money. Now, for all of you people who right off the bat think that i am accusing my sister of being a thief you are dead wrong. I KNOW that she deserves compensation for caring for him. But I would like to know where he stands financially, which she doesn't share. I have a rough estimate of his monthly income but have no idea what his expenses are or how much money goes into compensating her. Several years ago, he tried to get her to share his monthly finances with him and she no longer speaks to him and he is also not allowed in her home. So it is a bad situation. When he comes to town, he has to stay with me and visit with dad at my house. I would like to be prepared for what is surely to come in the future. Do I have any legal right to demand information? I'm worried about starting a battle.
If she is the Durable POA and doing a good job, then I think I might approach the matter by explaining that dad's decline requires much more care now and that in order to continue, you'll need some help and if he has the funds to cover it. She can say yes or no. I'd have some figures in mind to quote if she asks how much it would costs. To me, that sounds reasonable.
If your sister gets upset, then she would just get upset. The care that you are providing sounds substantial and it gives your sister much needed respite care. I'm sure she needs that time to rest and restore her reserves. So, it's to her benefit for you to continue caring for her dad.
I would be concerned that she has serious health issues. It's sounds reasonable to have something lined up, in case of her inability to provide care for him.
Maybe, someone who cares for a person with severe dementia in their home can chime in on this, but I don't know much about providing care for them in the home. I would be concerned that traveling between houses every weekend would be too disruptive to a person with dementia, especially if their mobility goes.
I'm not sure why family members seem to be unable to work together on these matters. Sadly, it seems to be a common problem.
The money is most likely gone to the cost of a new home, remodeling and any in home care he has needed. I'm talking 100K++.
I would try to have a meeting with her in a neutral place and lay out your needs, I don't think bro needs to be involved in this. Just tell her that dad is getting to need more care and you personally are finding it difficult and things need to change. I wouldn't get into her circumstances at all unless she brings it up, that is a land mine. I also agree with Sunny that changing homes on the weekends may soon become too difficult for him and you are wise to consider alternatives, but I would save that discussion for another time.
Pam mentions medicaid and gifting, if he has been with your sis for 7 years then I think any large expenditures would be beyond the 5 year look back.
All I really want to do is come up with a plan for the future. Unfortunately, I'm a planner and she isn't. There are medicaid plans that don't do a look back at all and offer assistance with paying for in-home aides. There are also several communities that specialize in dementia/memory care issues that he could afford with his monthly income but that if we wait too long, his health won't be good enough for him to get in.
Of course, any options would mean losing control over his finances but if the time comes that he just isn't manageable anymore or if he isn't mobile enough to come to my house on weekends, then she will be looking for options. The trouble is that it may be too late by then. I have tried talking to her and I get cut off at the knees.
Sorry to all ... I'm not expecting actual solutions but just need to vent.