Mom, 90, lives independently. She has moderate vascular dementia and refuses to move. I live 400 miles away. A long time neighbor is assisting her and I pay him. They live in a townhouse association, so Mom has neighbors on both sides. Of major concern is keeping things safe...for everyone. Neighbor checks stove/oven to make sure nothing's left on. So I was thinking the other day, would it be possible for the condo association to strongly recommend that she move closer to her daughter because of Mom's memory problems and because of the potential fire risk? We just paid over $8,000 to fix sewage line because she was cutting paper towels into squares and using them because she did not think she had any toilet paper. I will be visiting her this month and I'm hoping she'll come home with me for a week or so...and maybe we can look at some memory care facilities. But as the only child, I have no leverage. I have POA and am not willing to go for guardianship. Mom has her memory issues...but she also knows her likes and preferences. The neighbor/assistant has no peace. Mom calls or comes over at all hours. Things will only get worse with her memory and I feel I will need some authority to "force" her to make a change in her living arrangement. It's tragic to think that it might be medical or police authority...and then the other day I thought, what about the condo association. Could they push the issue in a caring way. Any thoughts or suggestions?
As regarding the neighbor who gets no peace, s/he could file a grievance against your mother with the condo association for calling and coming over at all hours but that, of course, would be the end to her making safety checks. It would, however, establish the documentation you may need in the very near future to get your mother to move.
The HOA or Condo Asso cannot get involved. They have their own strict guidelines to follow as an Association. I know your idea of them telling your Mom it is time to move might sound good, just cannot be done by the HOA.
Stopping payments on HOA monthly dues won't do anything. What the HOA will do is send notices of non-payment, then the HOA would place a lien on Mom's property.
Sadly you will need to do what many of us had to do, and that is to WAIT. Wait for a medical situation where Mom is taken to the hospital, then to Rehab, and then to senior living. My Mom refused to move from her home, and she had a major fall where she finally had to move to long-term-care.
Keep us up-to-date on what is happening.
So...update...it's been six months since dad died. Neighbor assistant has finally had enough since his role evolved to next door caretaker with Mom knocking on his door at 2 a.m. asking if it's time for bingo. He reports she is declining and I arrived yesterday. I can see a marked decline in balance and cognitive functioning...but not in her determination to live alone. With neighbor no longer able to assist, this gives me leverage. This will begin as a normal visit and then ease into the we-need-to-live-closer-to-each-other-now-that-we-are-older-and-only-have-each-other talk. Goal is to guide her into a lovely assisted living community in my town. If I can't guide her, then I'll have local authorities come have a talk. Have to force the issue now and it likely will be extremely difficult...since there's no ability to reason on her part. I'll do the best I can as patiently and calmly as possible, but Mom's time of living independently is done. Thank you all for your input. This site is so helpful. I read through it often and have learned a lot. God bless you all.
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