My mother was severely abusive & it took me years to work through that. She has a lifelong history of strained interpersonal relationships with threats of self harm if she didn’t get her way. She’s lied about having life threatening diseases, blackmailed, gaslighted family & friends until she had no one left.
About 7 years ago I finally was able to say no & accept I could no longer try to rectify her life choices. I live 3,000 miles away now & block her number. Her messages are saved in the cloud secondary to advice I was given for my protection.
The police showed up here last week asking me to call a SW because she was in the hospital & unable to make medical decisions. I was surprised it wasn’t her because she has sent the police in the past when I didn’t respond to her histrionics.
I want what’s best for my mother but it’s no longer an option to get back on her merry go round. SW told me she can’t hurt me anymore because she’s declined & I’d control her phone, etc.
I would never strip her of her phone or dignity & the thought just makes me sad. The only option left is a court appointed guardian which also concerns me because what if they do these things because she is making scenes at the AL they place her into.
She was declared incompetent as it appears she gets confused at times.
I was given advice to say No to being her guardian secondary to she’s too destructive & the SW is wrong that she can’t hurt me & hopes I don’t allow them to seduce me into this. This advice is from a good friend who is a retired psychiatrist.
My best friend who knows the history since 16 years of age also advised me to say No.
I know in my heart I did everything I could for her because she’s consistently told me for decades “ she’s going to be dead, it’s her last bday, it’s my fault & live with it” Thus I made sure to look at the big picture if/when I got that call to prevent having regrets.
I witnessed her say the exact things to her parents, husbands, etc...
Does anyone have any advice?
Thank-you kindly!
Regina
I'm sorry, it sounds like a very sad story. It's easy to write what I write, I imagine it is so very difficult though. My heart goes out to you and her for all the suffering you both are experiencing. I wish you both all the best.
Unless you want to be in my situation, again I say RUN!!!! Go no contact! You how they can suck you in! You owe NOTHING! You didn't ask to be born! God bless you and please don't feel guilty! That's a groomed, learned emotion!
You have done all you can do on your end. She'll take everything out on you and you'll be her verbal punching bag. She's done robbing you of your life.
Please see this as confirmation that you do not have to accept any responsibilities for your mom.
State your case again if you feel that it is needed. Otherwise, let all calls go to voicemail.
Be at peace. Let go with a clear conscience and live your life.
SWs will do anything to make you feel guilty. The last thing they want to do is the xtra work it will take them to set Mom up with a state guardian and get Mom set up in a facility. Better if u do all tge work which will be hard 3000 mls away.
Just say "sorry, I can't and will not do it" Hang up and block SWs calls as suggested. If the police come to your home, tell them its all been taken care of and please don't return. Tell them if they get another call, just to tell the caller you are not interested.
Please take the advice of the people who know you and your history.
I don't have much hope that you will, though. You rang your mother last week. You have discussed with her the possibility of increasing contact. And this *in spite* of everything you know, and all your fears of the SW putting you under pressure to accept guardianship.
The SW believes it is in your mother's best interests to have contact with her child. Your mother is her client. You aren't. The SW is not wrong in what she is doing, but *your* best interests are none of her business and not her concern.
I don't know what it might take to stop you chasing whatever mirage it is you're still seeing, but perhaps you do. Whatever it takes, find it out. Your mother will be as fine in professional hands as it is possible for her to be, poor lady.
Sadly, your mother is a damaged human being who can't maintain relationships. Step away from thentrain wreck.
I am glad that you know not to take abuse. You are aware that you did all that you could in this situation.
Of course, you’re sad. It’s a devastating situation.
You’ve got this. Don’t rock the boat now. As another poster says, ‘Don’t catch yourself on fire to put her out.’
You are a person who is trying to heal, and stay healed.
Keep it up!
I did step in as POA for my abusive mother and it’s been a painful journey. There are times that I wished I let a guardian take over. She remains abusive even through her dementia. I have posted about this before.
Do what is practical and healthy for you and you only. Put yourself first. Managing my mother’s affairs has been time consuming and very stressful. I have a ton of support from my spouse and have some experience working in health care so I did have an edge. And I don’t visit or talk to my mother. I just consider myself a case manager. It’s my job. You sound as if you already know your limitations - and it takes a strong person to realize that!
My own mother has been threatening to 'die' for decades now. Threatening to 'jump out of the window' or 'buy a gun' or some such nonsense, for as long as I can remember. When I was 5 years old, she'd take off in the car, burning rubber out of the driveway, saying she was going to 'drive off of the bridge' and kill herself. Well, she's 94+ years old now, and still alive. When she does finally pass away, it won't be from idle threats or jumping out of windows. Nor will it be my fault or due to anything I've done.
My advice to you, dear Regina, is to allow the state to take guardianship of your mother and to rest assured she'll be fine in long term managed care once that happens. Without an audience to play to, her histrionics will likely calm down significantly. And if not, you'll have no knowledge of it, which is how it should be.
Know when to say Enough is Enough. And know when it's time to allow yourself to live your life in peace and tranquility.
Wishing you the best of luck in doing so.
7 years ago you were finally able to say "enough is enough" and cut the ties. And if I were a betting woman, I would bet that you have spent the last 7 years working through all of the emotional baggage that came with that decision, yes? Because if you hadn't been, if you had *totally* cut her from your life, you wouldn't be agonizing over this situation!
I think, deep down, you know that the right answer for you is: a resounding "no, I am not going to do this". What I think you might need is to hear people tell you it doesn't make you evil to do this. So I'll tell you - it DOES NOT make you evil to refuse to take on this caregiving role. It doesn't make you selfish, heartless, wrong, cruel, inhumane or any other synonym of "bad" that you can think of.
And that SW who told you "she can't hurt you anymore" - well, either she has NO concept of abusive relationships, or she's just looking to foist the responsibilities that she should be taking care of onto you. I know where my money lies on that choice!
Tell the powers that be because of your past relationship with your mom, you will not be undertaking the responsibility of guardianship. That's all you need to tell them, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your mom chose to treat you the way she treated you, and now she is paying the piper for her choices.
Stay away and be happy with your decision and content with your life!
Good luck!
Shame on that SW for trying to rope an abuse victim back into contact with her abuser to make her own job easier.