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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I agree with cmagnum, Robin. You and your husband are a team, and together, you present a stronger front. It is psychologically comforting, as well, for you to think this way and align with him to manage your Mother. Please keep talking to everyone here and reading(listening) to the wisdom of friends:)
sorry I wasn't finished, I am more than inspired to take better care of myself and my family. I am searching for answers and thankful I tried this source of support. I'm gonna have a long talk with my husband soon.
robinlovewest, Susan Forward wrote a great book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.
I glad that unlike what my wife did for several years that you are not hiding behind your husband's pants and asking him to fight your battle with your mom for you. Nothing is going to change until like my wife you set some boundaries, some consequences and stand up to her yourself. You have the strength, but need more confidence in yourself. You may even need the help of a therapist to get there. I hope your husband is not so frustrated that he's nagging you about it, but believe me, he is probably feeling very alone and would like to have his wife back from his abusive MIL. Sorry to write such a blunt typical male perspective on this, but if he is like me he might not be saying all that he feels because he can see how burned out you are because he's probably trying to be supportive and does not want to burden you. If I am wrong about this, I'm wrong and thus disregard the above.
dear christina28 I agree with you on all three counts, mood, fear and getting away with it. I almost stay detached. I'm happy for you that you survived the example your mother set for you. I know its hard.
dear cmagnum, thank you for you response, my husband feels exactly like you think he should feel. But she is blackmailing me. And I can't believe I just said that but its TRUE. She told me in rehab that if I put her in a nursing home that would she would get even. Perhaps she is brain damaged but its so hard to even care, because of our past. Now how can I get someone like that to go elsewhere?
Have you mentioned her behavior to her doctor? My mother isn't abusive but was depressed and moody. She started taking Aricept for her dementia about six weeks ago and she has gained three pounds, she is remembering to do things that we use to have to remind her, and her mood has improved. I realize this may not work for some (the patch did nothing for her), but it maybe worth a try. Wish you the best!
Does she take any meds for her nasty disposition? When my Mother gets mouthy, I tell her--firmly and in her face--to knock it off, that we don't speak to people like that in our home. I took a lot of abuse from her when I was a child, but thankfully, I grew up to be a healthy, loving individual. I think FEAR makes them that way, maybe a mood disorder, and also getting away with it for so long. It's simply not acceptable to be treated like that by anyone. It's also good if you can emotionally DETACH from her--you can still LOVE her, but loving the abuse is a real problem.
I can sure understand your two sisters staying away, but you are burning out from being the chosen one who still has to put up with her abuses, old age related problems or not, and probably compounded by her abusiveness. What does your husband think? If it were me, I would be very mad at how abusive she was being to you and knowing the past wonder why you put up with it which would lead me to search for somewhere else for her to live.
Thank you for your responses, I apologize for not giving you more info First of all my mothers attacks are not physical they are verbal and they are constant when she is in her mood. I survived growing up with her until I met my husband who taught me how real people act. He and 16 yr daughter are supportive they love her and try to get along with her but it is impossible sometimes. This is normal for her, I know dementia, old age, and many ailments contribute to her behavior but I also know it is somewhat normal. I have been responsible for her sense my stdad became ill in 99, she fell in 08 and after hosp and rehab she began living with me. There was no help available then and none now. I have one sister in town that was so abused she stays away. The other in Tn. would not be able to tolerate her needs. I am looking for a support group to attend. I have all the symptoms of burnout. And might I add that we all love our mother deeply. W
Robin, you are feeling the reality of the fact that you are being abused and that by someone who is very sick. This is not a safe environment for yourself, your sixteen year old or your husband, much less healthy for your marriage and your own well being. I agree with what Illiput stated above. For the sake of your own survival and the well being of everyone in your family, it is time for your mom to live elsewhere. BTW, what is your husband's input on all of this? I realize she is your mom, but he deserves some input on all this as well. What do your two children think and feel? I noticed on your profile that you have been married to the same man for many years, wonderful news, but at the same time makes me wonder if your not having some worries about your marriage with all of this on you. I might be wrong, but thought I'd ask.
In your profile you mentioned that these attacks are physical as well. I am afraid that your Mom may be exhibiting the more extreme symptoms of Alz. Have you consider a placement in a facility where they are experienced in dealing with her illness? I have learned from all the wonderful members of this forum, that when your parents' behavior effects your quality of life, it is time to consider alternatives for their care. Your Mother will benefit from the change too. Then you will have the energy to continue being her loving daughter. good luck
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I glad that unlike what my wife did for several years that you are not hiding behind your husband's pants and asking him to fight your battle with your mom for you. Nothing is going to change until like my wife you set some boundaries, some consequences and stand up to her yourself. You have the strength, but need more confidence in yourself. You may even need the help of a therapist to get there. I hope your husband is not so frustrated that he's nagging you about it, but believe me, he is probably feeling very alone and would like to have his wife back from his abusive MIL. Sorry to write such a blunt typical male perspective on this, but if he is like me he might not be saying all that he feels because he can see how burned out you are because he's probably trying to be supportive and does not want to burden you. If I am wrong about this, I'm wrong and thus disregard the above.
DETACH. You can do it!!! We are cheering you on!! GO ROBIN!!!
Have you consider a placement in a facility where they are experienced in dealing with her illness?
I have learned from all the wonderful members of this forum, that when your parents' behavior effects your quality of life, it is time to consider alternatives for their care. Your Mother will benefit from the change too. Then you will have the energy to continue being her loving daughter.
good luck