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My mother's dementia and short term memory have been going for the past four years since I moved back in with my parents to care for them in 2011. It was manageable then, but my mother's condition has gotten dramatically worse in the past few months. Lately, she continues to ask the same questions over and over. Part of this is due to the fact that my father has been in a rehab facility since December due to a horrible UTI, although he's greatly improving and should be home soon. She constantly asks where he is which, I guess, is normal and I feel compelled to tell the whole story. Sometimes she doesn't believe me, but most of the time she accepts it. Lately she's been constantly asking where her son Charlie is. That's me. I try to remind her that I am Charlie, her usual reaction is, "Yes, I know that, but where's Charlie?". I can't understand this and I don't know how to answer it and she asks this, as I said, over and over. Also she asks where her parents are, if there's anyone else living with us in the house and other questions constantly. Yesterday I almost snapped because this had continued for hours on end, but then I felt guilty that I was feeling aggravated. I know it's not her fault, but I feel frustrated and then guilty with myself that I feel frustrated and don't have more patience. Yesterday I went over to a neighbor's house, a good friend who used to work in nursing homes, just to vent my frustration and I felt a little better. But is there any gentle way I can deal with this with my mother? Can I ask her to stop? To me, this seems cruel. I don't know what to do. Any advice will be welcome,

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It's my experience that whole house DVR's are the greatest invention since air conditioning. I can record shows and watch later, I can pause and pick it up in a minute when the questions have been answered, I can watch anything from any TV in the house. That way I don't feel TOO put out at having to answer the questions or listen to the old stories. Mom isn't interested and cannot follow the TV so if it's on, it doesn't make an impression on her that we might be watching. It's worth the extra dollars in this household.

NJCinderella, everyone doesn't Sundown. And it comes and goes with my mom, she doesn't do it every day, and her version is different from what dad's was. I think the events of the day bring it on with her, also how long she's been up. Your dad is a saint, none of us know what to expect with the "sickness and health" part of our vows.
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I found it exhausting having to constantly answer with any kind of response. I'm a normally quiet person who does not chatter constantly and the continuous interruptions with the same question made it nearly impossible to watch tv, read a book or newspaper or just enjoy quiet solitude. I also gave different answers in the hopes that would change the course of the questions but it didn't. If I didn't respond and ignored her, she would get mad and yell. I finally moved out. I was emotionally and physically tired of it. God bless my father who is able to endure it day after day.

My question is when does sundowning begin? I don't think my father is prepared for it. He is in denial my mother has Alz anyway. My mother by my guess is between stage 4-5. My father doesn't bring her back to the neurologist, he thinks the cardiologist, urologist, endocrinologist drs are enough drs. I suppose he's right on some level about that since there is no cure.
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Things always seem better if you've gotten enough sleep

Sleep what is that :)
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Jessiebelle, my mom calmed down when she was holding my niece's baby doll. I'm not talking Barbie. But the baby doll. She would hold the baby on her lap. The uncomfortable feeling is seeing her trying to pull the doll apart (later stage - the violent one.) As long as the doll doesn't come alive like Chucky doll, I'm fine.
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Charlie, I went through this with my mother and it nearly drove me to drink and she didn't even live with me. I don't have any answers for you, except to take breaks from her.
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Charlie, the hardest thing for family members is to get educated on this horrible disease. It is a crash course and you need to read, read, read, or go to some group support at various care homes around town. If you live in a big town or city that is. Anyway, I know how annoying this can be. While my mother never asked and still doesn't ask repeated questions, other residents in her facility did and do while I am visiting. Like all of the other fine answers here, you give short and sweet responses to her, redirect, or have fun with it. I have a blast with my mother now and love her personality now that she has dementia. She is more fun, and I have fun with it. The stuff that comes out of her mouth is hysterical. When she garbles words I tell her she is making up words for a new dictionary and she agrees. Or I ask if she has had too many glasses of wine and she loves that. If you can finally accept that this is what is, and what will be you may be able to let go and have fun with it too. Give her a different answer each time, and perhaps give a story. Make one up. But just remember, (no pun intended) they forget your answer almost as soon as you say it, so it really does not matter much. You will learn what puts a smile on their face and what subjects to stay away from. My mother occasionally can call me son, and calls out my name when I am not there, so I know there is still some of my mom left, but I don't take offense to the fact that she does not really recognize me anymore. You have to or you will go nuts. Today she asked me where my husband was and I told her I don't have a husband and told her that she did, and told her his name. She said he never amounted to anything and did nothing all his life. And I asked, why is that, and she said, probably because he had so much money. Guess what? Nothing could have been farther from the truth and we both had a great laugh over it. The staff started cracking up too.
Anyway, it was good you vented to your neighbor. Vent as much as you want, especially on here. You need to or you will lose your mind.
I feel guilty all the time that I am not doing enough and other times I am pulling my hair out because I spend countless hours on the phone advocating for her. It is a tough job, but when she finally passes, you can say with 100% honesty, that you gave comfort to your mom in her final years and you will feel very good about yourself. Keep up the good work and we are with you.
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Does the concept of a doll bother anyone besides me? Even if it would help calm someone, I don't know if I could get mentally past it myself. It seems like something out of a horror film. Sorry if this perturbs anyone, but I couldn't handle my mother sitting there with a doll. I don't know if I could stay in the same room.
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Dear Charlie, I am no expert, but there are some new therapies that professionals are using to calm persons who have dementia. One therapy that seems to be successful for some women is to give them a soft, life-like baby doll to carry. It seems to remind women of their child raising years and calms them down. Also, make sure that both of you are under a doctor's regular care.
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My mom does the same thing and it gets to me mor when I am very tired. Other times I try to simply find it humorous and sometimes answer with things that wen make her laugh. But what i found works best is typing up answers to everything and referring her to them. I also keep a notebook of messages I flog to every day eg "gone to work " back arond 3 bot went to gym back at 1. Or went to doctor back at 4. These notes give her great comfort and she never panics if I leave the house for a couple of hours. She also has a note with names of all family and friends with phone numbers in case of emergency. Hope this helps. It's a hard job and only those in our situation truly understand. This website has provided tremendous support for me! Thank you all.
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Charlie try sitting with her and showing her family pictures this can b a grt comfort to her
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Aww its all about patience hard l know but vary answers n try keep calm x
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My wife has dementia and I have to deal with the repeated questions. It's at times very frustrating. She used to like to read and crochet but no longer. She watches TV in her bedroom and usually falls asleep, so I get a break then. She's able to stay alone if I need to go out, which is a help. She's only 73.
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I have early onset early VaD. Write the answer diwn and give it to us. Sometimes we develop Auditory Processing Disorder and cannot process info heard, but can still learn cisually.
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Hi Charlie,
I don't have anything to add as far as what you can do, other than what everyone else has suggested. But I will tell you that I do know how you feel. My mom has dementia too and lately the same question has been coming at me a mile a minute! For my mom, "The Question" is "Where are my dogs?" All the other questions are a spin-off from that one. There are two dogs so she will sometimes ask where one is and then the other one. All. Day. Long.......It doesn't matter that they are in the same room with her right in front of her. She will still ask the question. I have decided that I can't afford to feel the kind of frustration and annoyance I was feeling because those rob me of much needed energy. After reading some of the great advice others have given for similar situations here, I just answer the question(s) and realize that for now, this is just the way things are. I think the suggestion of keeping your answers short is a great one. Less wear and tear on you that way! Best of luck to you with this!! At least you know you have come to a place where people really understand and are going through very similar situations!!
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Charlie, you need a break!
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I know how emotionally draining this can be. My dad does the same thing. But one thing I've come to realize is that as the stages change the issues/concerns change. I know one day I will miss him asking questions - even though they're barely a min or two apart sometimes.
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charlie97: I went through this with my mom when she had Dementia. Unfortunately, it only seems to worsen over time. It's a terrible disease, but I learned over time that I couldn't tell her to stop because she couldn't remember anyway. Arguing with her or trying to make her understand, just didn't work because she became more agitated. I've mentioned this to others before, and it helped me with mom. I pretended a lot, and would visit with her in "her world" no matter how many times things were repeated or what she was talking about. She seemed to go down "memory lane" a lot and I went there too because it was much more pleasant for both of us even though it was hard on me to see her this way. I hope this makes sense to you and maybe helps you a little. Good luck with this and God bless you as you struggle with this like so many of us. Just remember that (if you can) to try to be as patient as possible because she can't help it, and also remember to take a few breaks now and then because you need to recharge in order to stay healthy for yourself and for your mom. Things always seem better if you've gotten enough sleep. A change of scenery can also do wonders even if it's for a short time.
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Yes. I agree with Bianne about "which Charlie is she seeing". Your mother probably is living in a differnt time frame, so the Charlie she is referring to is the young version. Trying to explain will only sink in for couple of minutes. What about having a recorded message with answers to her questions. Could be backed by music to her likening. Play it when needed the most. Could even put it on an IPod with ear phones so you don't have to hear it. Might be worth a try. Some dementia respond extremely well to music. Good luck!
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Can someone please repeat the topic of this discussion?
Sorry, me bad just a Lil comic relief. I've been repeating all day so I just gotta laugh! I hope I made someone do the same. Happy almost spring...
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What seems, so far, to work with my mother is after answering the same question about 5 times I just tell her "ok, we're done with this conversation" then go on to something else....apparently that makes sense to her. I've found too that my mother seems to think everyone is at least 2 people...I'm actually 4...me, the lady downstairs, the Dr. or her mother....I mostly just go along with it...
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My mother does something similar, but it is not questions usually, it is symptoms. On bad days she will tell me her symptom-of-the day every few minutes -- something like "I have an earache." Her symptom today is a cold. She has been saying "I have a cold. I must have gotten it from (my SIL)." Each time she says it, it is like it is new information. I really don't have a response to her symptoms, because I know they are not real. She has been doing this for years. Doctors can never find anything physically wrong. What I figured is that the symptom reporting was her way of communicating what is stuck in her mind that day. Humans do need to communicate. I wonder if repeat questions can be an attempt to communicate, not realizing the same question has already been answered.
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My Mom does this and has for several years (ask questions over and over again, sometimes only 5 minutes apart for the same question). So I have a canned answer that I give her. She always asks How much does this care cost me? I have a simple answer I tell her every time, not a dollar figure but how well insured and how able she is to pay for her own care. She may be asking you something other that what you think. Try different answers until you hit on one she likes, for example: Charlie loves you so much Mom, isn't that great? or I saw Charlie just the other day and he's doing really well, very successful, nice wife, lovely house. or similar.
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We put a large (3x4) write on/wipe off whiteboard on the end of the kitchen bar that's visible from most of the home. When questions are asked more than twice, we put the answer on the board. We include the day and date plus any doctor appts. When the questioning continues, we simply ask, "what does the board say?". Now dad goes to the board first! :-)
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Watch Teepa Snow videos. She may be really able help you. I know how hard it is when they always ask but stay calm and always answer it like it's the first time hearing it. Good luck and stay positive
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I have Transient Global Amnesia. When I have an episode, I ask the same question over and over because the answer doesn't get into my long-term memory or my short-term memory. This can get very annoying for those around me but for me it is terrifying. My friend decided to list my questions along with the answers so I could read it and they wouldn't have to keep repeating the answers. Although my long-term and short-term memories slowly come back, we all found this list of Q& A to be very helpful.

I hope this can work for you and your Mom.
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The others are right-- you can't do much about it as far as she is concerned. The only one you can help is YOU. Figure out short answers which you think may satisfy her. Then distract her! Don't feel guilty about messing with the truth a bit-- you are hurting no one by doing so, and may hurt yourself if you don't figure out a path that will give you peace. Definitely allow yourself some time away every week, even if for a couple of hours. Look for a support group.

Another annoying thing is the repeated stories that can get on a loop. Phone calls from my mom in assisted living go this way most of the time-- and it's hard to listen & hard to interrupt.
It's tough, but hang in there & try to see the humor... We may all be there someday if we live long enough!
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One "benefit" of repeated questions is that you get to try out different answers each time and see which one reassures her the most since she never remembers any of the prior answers... I tried to patiently answer each question as if it was the first time I was asked and just appreciate the fact that I still had her around to ask the questions (she passed away in 2013).
Now I am going through something similar with my father (88), but his only problem is that he has NO short term memory...
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My mother did the same thing: looking at me and asking where Chris was. I soon realized that she was looking for 13 year old me and I just came up with answers that were logical for me at that age. It really is kind of funny to be talking about myself in the third person (it's important to keep a sense of humor!) In addition, she would worry about her mother (who passed away in 1966) and that she might be lying on the side of the road somewhere. Instead of telling her that she was dead, I reassured her that her mother was fine and ask why she was looking for her. Based on the answer, I would come up with plausible explanations of where her mother was and try to turn the conversation in another direction. She enjoyed doing large piece jigsaw puzzles (even though I did most of it as we talked) and that helped to distract her sometimes and gave her a sense of fulfillment since she would always tell me that she put most of it together herself (lack of memory does have its bright spots). Also, working on 300 piece puzzles was much less frustrating for me than trying to watch tv with her when she wasn't able to remember the story anymore, needed the volume turned up, and talked during the show so I couldn't follow it either...
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Yes, the repetition is so hard to deal with, and you're always experimenting with what is going to work each time around. I have been intrigued by my mother (87 - short term memory loss) who actually will on occasion redirect the conversation before I can finish an answer to her repeated question. Does she not want to hear my answer for the umpteenth time, is she not listening, or did she already forget she asked the question? It is so frustrating when one day she is sharp as a tack, and the next totally lost. I used to argue with her, but soon learned it was not productive, especially when the same issue would come up two minutes later! I have also realized the importance of validation mentioned by other posts. I liken her confusion to the times I've fallen asleep for a nap while it is light out and waking up later than I wanted in the dark. It takes me a few minutes to orient myself. Unfortunately, her mind does not do that anymore, and needs to be reminded that it is a certain day and time - often. The reassurance is comforting.
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Sadly, that is what happens with dementia. Mom has been like that for the past four years. Its like living in a big loop on a tv show - over and over and over. I sometimes feel I am in an Abbot and Costello skit "whos on first". All you can do is continue to answer the same questions over and over. I know its maddening and it makes you angry and frustrated, but keep in mind that each time you answer, it stays in her head only a few minutes. Each time she asks it she thinks it is the first time she asked it. The brain is a weird thing - certain topics and thought stick there and a person continues to ask or talk about it, but any response about that topic - doesn't stick, only the topic itself. Sometimes it helps if you write the answer down on paper and your mother can read it over and over again until it maybe sticks. At times it helps with Mom, other times she throws the paper away, as if she doesn't want to know. Reason goes out the window with dementia. Believe me - you are not alone - there are thousands of us caregivers going through the same thing.
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