My mother's dementia and short term memory have been going for the past four years since I moved back in with my parents to care for them in 2011. It was manageable then, but my mother's condition has gotten dramatically worse in the past few months. Lately, she continues to ask the same questions over and over. Part of this is due to the fact that my father has been in a rehab facility since December due to a horrible UTI, although he's greatly improving and should be home soon. She constantly asks where he is which, I guess, is normal and I feel compelled to tell the whole story. Sometimes she doesn't believe me, but most of the time she accepts it. Lately she's been constantly asking where her son Charlie is. That's me. I try to remind her that I am Charlie, her usual reaction is, "Yes, I know that, but where's Charlie?". I can't understand this and I don't know how to answer it and she asks this, as I said, over and over. Also she asks where her parents are, if there's anyone else living with us in the house and other questions constantly. Yesterday I almost snapped because this had continued for hours on end, but then I felt guilty that I was feeling aggravated. I know it's not her fault, but I feel frustrated and then guilty with myself that I feel frustrated and don't have more patience. Yesterday I went over to a neighbor's house, a good friend who used to work in nursing homes, just to vent my frustration and I felt a little better. But is there any gentle way I can deal with this with my mother? Can I ask her to stop? To me, this seems cruel. I don't know what to do. Any advice will be welcome,
I hope I was some what helpful to you Charlie.
I do agree that it's hard for her to see these old people and think they are her children. I think you may be on to something there.
"Where's Bill?"
me: He went to pick up Jimmy and then they were going bowling
Where's Bill?
He and Jimmy went bowling.
Where's Bill?
Bowling.
'Course there's many more in between, but you get the gist.
I don't think you have to repeat a long explanation every time. The short version is enough for repetitions 4 thru 21. Then start over.
Getting asked where Charlie is must be especially frustrating. Have you tried "Charlie went to the store"?
The other day my mom said to me, "I know all the other women in this picture, but I can't figure out who this is." I said, "You mean that attractive gray-haired lady? That is your oldest daughter Jeanne. That's me!" She looked at me and then the picture, very confused. "Oh. I guess I should have figured it out. All the others are my daughters, too." When she sees me in person and hears my voice she knows who I am, but I think it is hard for her to accept that she has a child with gray hair. Her own is still auburn (with a weekly hair appointment). Who knows why your mother knows that you are Charlie but also wants to know where Charlie is? Give her a soothing answer and try to distract her to another topic.
My mother has recently started doing this too, and so far I'm at this "oh-oh here we go" stage rather than bleak despair. Where's so and so, who brought the flowers, how do I know it's a begonia not a rose, did I "signal" (she means text) my brother about her hands. At least there's a variety of questions!
You sound as if you have a much longer fuse than I'm afraid I have. I might well be coming back to you for advice on being sweet to my mother.
It's interesting that she asks where "the other" Charlie is even when you've reassured her that it's you and she's accepted that. I wonder if she's not getting the question out straight? Could there be another person she means to ask about but says Charlie, perhaps, because you're there and that's the name her brain latches on to?
I wish we'd recorded Dad's stories, or at least written them down. He would tell of the Depression and the CCC and WW2 and we'd just roll our eyes. Now we're older and wish we could remember what all he would tell us.
Do a lot of reading...
http://tinyurl.com/oxb2a7x
http://tinyurl.com/phdkacl
develop a support network of other caregivers
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-repeating-the-same-story-146023.htm
One thing I did for my mom, which only works part of the time, is to write in big letters (I printed off signs on the computer) about how old she is, how old her sister was when she died and any other question she is constantly figuring out. Like my brother had surgery yesterday and I printed out the details about that. Then I pinned those sheets to her couch, which is right next to her chair, so she can easily see them. I continually point to those answers and practice with her that they're there. But my mom can still read and process written communication, and I don't know if your mom can do that or not. I hope you'll get some good answers from others.