My aunt is having knee replacement surgery. My cousin asked me if I can stay with her for a week or so until she recovers.
Mind you, I have stayed with this aunt for a week, unsuccessfully before. She doesn't listen to me or let me assist her, and gets aggravated with me when I try. I live five hours away and I work.
I told my cousin no. I can't this time. I explained that I work, cannot be away, and that my aunt and I frustrate one another. My cousin said she can't, as she has a family, and her sister works. I understand all of this, but they don't understand my situation. I told her to tell my aunt to expand the caregiver's hours so that she has someone there, since no one can stay. She said she will check with her and get back to me.
Meanwhile, I think my aunt is miffed at me, as she hasn't been picking up when I call her. I have limited my visiting time. I haven't been to see her in a month. Am I wrong?
Let your aunt be miffed if that’s how she feels. Be more concerned about your emotional well being.
You aren’t responsible for how she processes changes in her life.
If you have taken care of her in the past unsuccessfully, why would you risk repeating the same thing?
Well meaning neighbours.. 🤔
Being a good neighbour means looking out for vulnerable neighbours.. but also staying on their side of the fence.
Raising concerns with a neighbour's family is one thing.
Being judgemental or telling that family what to do is another.
Bottom line is this:
Aunt is in charge of her own affairs - unless she is legally/medically deemed incompetant - then the springing POA becomes active.
If that point is reached, the POA can take advice from the medical team (who declared the POA is now active) to decide on such matters like rehab/respite/supported care options & sign for Aunt.
Holding POA does NOT means thr POA must provide the hands-on care themself.
I think Aunt's neighbours & local cousins have their right to their concerns, they may mean well, but it appears they don't understand how a springing POA works.
It is immoral & illegal to strip people's rights away without proper legal authority.
Aunt decides for herself - makes decisions, wise or poor. End of.
You told your cousin “No”. There is no reason for your cousin to get back to you on this issue. The aunt needs to find another solution . If there is a POA and the aunt can’t make decisions , then aunt goes to rehab , gets hired help in or she doesn’t get her surgery .
If I was you I would not be POA for this woman .
You are still running the show, if cousin will call you back to let you know if the current caregiver's hours can be extended for post-op care at home. Is this what you want? I'd thought you wanted to extricate yourself completely from aunt's management as imposed on you by the cousins.
What would happen to aunt if you weren't ANY part of this? What would happen to aunt? Do the cousins do anything for her? Does aunt arrange for the payment of her current caregiver and bills? Who takes her to medical appointments?
Are you taking the reins in getting appropriate after-care set up for aunt or not? I think that as long as you are involved in any way at all, that the cousins are going to end up dumping the decisions and expectations on you. Do they all still assume that you will be (are?) the POA?
Until she does so, she will be the default decisionmaker for her aunt.
Actually, why didn't Aunt call HERSELF to ask you? Hmm. I smell a monkey..
Aunt wants something. She instructs her minions, the local cousin/s. They take to the air like flying monkeys to pressure Tiredniece.
I'd try to take a light approach. Laugh at the absurdity..
What? Gosh No! I live 5 HOURS away! No I can't come stay.
Aunt will have to go to reahb or hire a fulltime aide.
Let's all lighten the mood & sing along.
"They tried to make me go to Rehab..
But I said no no no"
(This suggestion is perhaps for next time since this time it does seem that rehab makes the most sense. Rehab/SNF sucks eggs but is presumably less grim for those who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.)
That’s what being an adult is all about. You must decide for yourself.
This happens alot where an elder will say they have help when they return home. "Oh yes, my niece will be there 24/7" Niece shows up to take Aunt home and finds she is designated caregiver. (Discharge does not follow up to make sure that person has agreed to do care) The person picking another up is taking on the responsibilty of care. No help once you take that person off of Hospital property. So make sure that cousins ask what has been set up for her care. They are not to take her home if propper care has not been set up. Its an unsafe discharge. If she refuses Rehab, make discharge aware that there is no one to care for her. They are not to be giving out ur phone# either. You r not POA yet and hopefully will be stepping down.
Its nice that your Aunt has nieces and maybe they help when they can, but none of you should feel you need to care for her. As a single woman with no children, she needs to look into how she can care for herself. Finding resources to help her. Office of Aging can get her started.
Refusing rehab is a big mistake and could result in her not being "independent" (the big self-foolery) afterward. Refusing rehab is yet another curve in the downward spiral.
"If wishes were horses then beggars would ride".
Aunt is having her own tantrum by not picking up. If you worry about her then you can call her local social services for a wellness check, especially if she is a fall risk
You are right to do what works for you and what makes aunt happy. If your visits didn't make her happy--and you let us know they didn't--then why would you expend that energy.
Aunt will likely go to rehab. They will keep her more or less time, and she may require some temporary placement, but this isn't really your problem. You can sympathize but you don't need to feel responsible to fix it.
Tell your cousin to help Aunt arrange for a visiting nurse after the surgery. For my surgery it is required that someone stay with me for 24 hrs immediately afterwards. She will need to stay on a pain med schedule, and then take the other meds for the ensuing constipation. She could develop a post-op infection (again, I know someone who had this after replacement surgery and it wasn't pretty). .
If your Aunt has a history of being uncooperative with you, then I wouldn't touch this with a 10-foot pole. Just say you don't want to help. If you say you can't, then this opens it up for negotiation. You don't have to and you don't want to and for your Aunt's sake it will be better for her to deal with unrelated people that she cannot manipulate. If she has all her mind then let her have the consequences. If it's your cousin who is pushing for her to have this surgery, then let the cousin deal fully with it.
I read in this thread that you are her PoA? If she's uncooperative now, it won't get any better. Who decided this surgery gig without your input first? That's just wrong also. I'd resign. Help her find another PoA, even if it's an attorney.
And I would get that letter sent now telling ur Aunt u will not be her POA. And again, send a copy to everyone. Really, I think as long as you are down as her POA, you will continue to get calls. Ur family seems to think POA means ur at Aunts beck and call thats not how it works. Make sure you keep a copy of that letter so if Aunt does become incompetent, you can show u stepped down and its not your fault she didn't make the change.
No, your not going to make anyone happy, that goes when you stick up for yourself. Again, you did good and keep it up.
You've explained to cousin why you can't and won't do it. No further explanation necessary.
Aunt will have to agree to either rehab or an increase in caregiving hours.
It’s not your problem to solve. You already told them you can’t and since they re fully formed adults, it’s up to them to figure out what they are going to do.
You have valid reasons for not doing this. You live at a distance and you work. There is danger in caring for someone who has just had surgery who doesn't listen to you.
If she falls, will she/they blame you?
In my family, we have this "thing"; whenever we ask a favor of one another, we preface it with "it's totally fine to say no". It's a nice touch.
There are emergencies in life; this is not one of them.
There is one in DH's lot that uses that preface "totally fine to say no" BUT then argues, conjoles, picks apart any reason to decline etc.
I learnt to say No then leave silence quite quickly.
This week was busy trying to twist my DH's arm to change his plans so didn’t have to change her own. (A fail btw).
I don't know why everyone feels she is mu responsibility, as she's not my mother, I live five hours away, and I work. She was in our lives growing up. She moved away to be near them and their dad, her brother who is passed. She's been living close by them for over 20 years.