Contacting my hubby's psychiatrist? Any advice?

I think it's time to think of yourself first. From your description, he's not only not doing any good for himself, he's not providing a husband's camaraderie, support or anything else for you.

And it doesn't sound as if it's going to change. I can't imagine the turmoil and challenge of terminating a marriage, but if you think that's what you need to do to get back your life, do it.

I wouldn't tell him though until I'd made enough arrangements to be single, and not responsible for him, or to allow him the opportunity to take advantage of your good nature. Make your plans before you do anything.

I'm sorry to read the marriage has reached this point, but if you feel it's necessary, go ahead and do it.

If I recall, your children are all adults now, aren't they?

He sees his drs regularly and his blood work is done every other month. As a transplant recipient, we can't ignore any changes in the anti-rejection meds, so he gets a full blood panel every 2 months. Kidneys are fine. Liver is great. BP is great, he could stand to lose 50 lbs and the diabetes would be easier to manage--so it's NOT thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, low T or any other "issues". We need to go back to the drawing board and start over.

I am going to send his psych dr a short note, telling her about the things I am SURE he doesn't bring up. She can do with this info what she wants.

Hubby has been in this sleeping pattern since he had the chemo associated with HepC TX, post transplant. It was awful, but he rode it through. Didn't cure the HepC but bought him some time, until Harvoni came out, which cured him.

He isn't proud of it, but he also seems incapable of doing anything about it.

I can only do so much, then I have to step back and let it go. He sees his psych dr in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens then.

He has agreed to get hearing aids...I can't do more than one drama at a time!

IMHO you need to stop covering for him.
I hesitate to use the word enable but are you doing just that in an effort to paint the rosy picture etc?
His kids need to know don’t you think or do they already know and you all just choose not to talk out loud about it?
I think you should make an appointment with the same counselor and tell her what’s going on.
So what if hubby gets mad?! What do you have to lose?
If it feels too scary get a therapist of your own to help you uncover right action for you and your family.

Mid, my memory was just jogged when you talked about sleeping. That happened to my FIL and MIL was going to drag him to a psychiatrist. Fortunately, he saw his pcp first. His kidneys had shut down.

Yes, he needs a real work up.

Mom---

Been there, done that, bought the T shirt to all of your great suggestions. I am NOT one to sit and watch the world go by. And I am not one to "give up" Our kids have often said "Mom and Dad would never divorce, Mom is too stubborn and Dad is to lazy." Truer words---

Yes, we did marriage counseling. Epic Fail. I get bi weekly massages. I exercise. I have outside interests and friends. I have a great therapist. I had good support with the TP support group during those years. So, I have never been alone. This is just the life I'm dealt. Funny, when we married he was so hyper--had sports activities nearly every night. I kind of resented that--me hauling a van full of kids to softball, basketball, handball, skiing & golfing I was off the hook for "watching him". Now his bike is a rusted mess in the side yard. I don't even know where his baseball mitt is and he gently snores on. Now the weather is perfect for golf and still, he chooses to sleep over any and all other activities.

I DO feel cheated, in that I put 110% of myself into caregiving for him for so long (along with the TP, he had a stroke, heart surgery (fairly minor), a near fatal motorcycle accident that should have killed him--several car accidents...) Major shoulder surgery... I have been by his side taking care of him every.single.time. I had back surgery and the dr kept me in the hospital for 3 days b/c he went to talk to my hubby after the surgery and..hubby had gone to our daughter's house and had gone back to sleep. Dr. couldn't rouse him from his slumber and came to see me, post op, and said "I'm keeping you here. Obviously your husband is MIA in this whole thing?" He was disgusted. I was embarrassed. 2nd back surgery and hubby did the same thing--and Dr kept me 3 days--even though I could have gone home. Total care from DH? I asked for a Diet Coke and he tossed a can across the room to me. That was it.

So, I am in this loop of frustration. I saw my psych dr yesterday and he asked, as he always does, about hubby. He felt that getting hearing aids was HUGE and maybe marked a change of thought patterns for him. Also saw nothing wrong with sending a "bullet point" kind of letter to DH's psych dr. He did say she wouldn't reply and I don't expect it. He agreed that the medication he's on is probably 100% wrong for him---so that helped me feel more hopeful. The difference between DH and I, is that I actually address issues as they arise and he shoves all "feelings" down deep inside and ruminates on them, but makes no progress going forward. It's not rocket science.

Today I am getting out in my beloved gardens and mowing the lawn for the first time this Spring. In the afternoon I am getting together with a bunch of grands to make cake pops and an epic Easter Cake. Will he get out of bed and come? I don't know.


Lest you think I don't care for this man--I assure you that I DO. I don't like him very much, and I'm pretty sure he's sick of the sound of my voice--but I do love him and I KNOW somewhere inside him is the happy, joyous soul I married.

On a funny note: when we recently signed our will, we were passing some time with the attorney who asked us what our "marriage dynamic" was. DH proudly said, well I work FT, always have. I said "I've worked PT off and on all our married life, but never had a "career". I just run the house". Further inquiry he finds that literally all that DH does IS work. (Which is huge, I'll never fault him for not being a great provider). But I literally do ALL the other stuff. Attorney looks at DH and says "You are doing about 2% of the work in this marriage. "B" is doing 98%." Dh is angry and puffed up--until attorney pulls out the financial stats to prove his point. I'm worth over $300,000 to my DH, if he had to pay for all the things I do. Attorney laughed and said "My wife was a SAHM mom and I couldn't even begin to count her worth and value". DH was pretty quiet on the drive home.

Thanks for listening and for your kind thoughts and ideas. Divorce is really just NOT something I am willing to entertain. I'm in this for eternity--and I plan to ride it out.

I'm NOT miserable. I'm blessed beyond measure. I just feel such pain for my sad DH who can't/won't see how lovely his life really is.

Mid, you ( and anyone else) is allowed to SEND info to someone else's doc. You just can't get an't feedback unless he's filed a HIPAA form.

Truth to tell, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't trust me to be on his HIPAA release. And vice versa.

Hard choices, I know.

Thanks, JoAnn--
He had a complete workup yesterday. His hearing is not as bad as he has been "playing" it to be. I have often called him on the disrespectful manner in which he selectively "hears" and "listens". But, to have the hearing test come back with moderate hearing loss (and they did not test him for "group" hearing, when there is a lot of background noise, just range and frequency)... felt somewhat justified in this.

He also saw the ENT and his structures are all fine. Normal wear and tear for a 66 yo, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Giving HIM the option to go forward and get hearing aids due to his own choice, as opposed to telling him he had to have them--that tilted the scales in favor of him deciding to try some. It's still a LONG road ahead, I know. But I see the tiniest glimmer of hope.

As far as the depression--well I had a drs apt this am and then had a looooong meeting and I am exhausted and have a migraine. He came home early from work expecting a great dinner as per the norm and I said "I'm treating this headache and checking out". So he can deal with his own dinner and clean up after. or not.

I'm stressed OUT over his lousy attitude. He's taking tomorrow off from work and will sleep all day (already told me his plans). That will be day 4 of solid sleep in 7 days. Luckily I will be gone all day.

I AM going to write his psych doc a short letter, I am not even sure she knows he's married, to be honest. I know he's not truthful with her, he can't be truthful with himself about how terribly this depression hurts our relationship. Then, whatever happens, happens.

I won't be allowed to be involved in a single step of his hearing aid fittings. So, I do hope they get it right sooner rather than later.

Sorry to sound so blue--migraines just suck the life out of me.

Mid, I so feel for you. I hope and pray that the hearing aids
( kudos to you for getting him in for testing. I think his hearing loss is a real factor and NOT selective. )

The real question here seems to be, is HE done with this marriage? Does HE want out?

I've been down this road. My ex DH always said that he wanted us to continue to be married, but a session with the psychiatrist that MY psych sent us to demonstrated that he actually had no interest in continuing.

It was a very sad, but watershed moment in my life. She allowed my ex to vent and say all the things that were terrible about me. She turned to me and asked "Are you willing to work on these deficiencies in yourself, so that DH can find you worthy of his love?".

The answer was no. I had twisted myself around several trees to please him and nothing was ever enough. I saw in that moment that what he needed was complete control over my thoughts, deeds and actions. It was a bridge too far.

But you know Barb, MK’s DH doesn’t try to control her. He does seem to want to run his own life without her assistance. Of course we all know she’s making it all possible. Giving him that “soft place to fall” so to speak. And sleep.
So before I read your last post I was thinking maybe couples counseling? But would that put even more pressure on him?
How about taking extreme care of yourself MK? I know you vent here but what about a support group for transplant spouses to see if any of this is to be expected? Even as I type that I figure you’ve already been there and done that.
What about a weekly massage? How about getting a personal trainer.
A life coach? Something to release your anxiety and if not accept your relationship at least know that you are being the best you that you can be.
When you take that intense lazar beam that is you off of him, he might be able to come out to play. I can’t blame you at all for being hyper vigilant with what the two of you have been through.
Of course you love him and want him to be happy. But this may be as happy as he can muster for whatever reason. Consider that.
I know you don’t accept it but at least consider it.

midkid - going to take another direction here. What you have described on AC is not a lovely life. To me, you do not come across as blessed. You have been trying to fix your mother and her situation, and your brother, both of which are horrendous, and now your dh, who has apparently opted out of a large part of life and interaction with family - whether due to psychological or physiological reasons, or a mixture of both, I don't know. He may not find his life lovely, or he may love sleeping and working it away. Maybe he likes his life this way. Obviously you don't. You said marriage counselling was a bust. Is it worth trying that again?

Other than that, as you say you are in it for the duration, I would suggest taking the pressure off yourself and him, and doing what you can to keep yourself content, and accept him as he is. At one time I was going through a difficult period with my preteen oldest son, and things were very negative. I decided I would let go of anything that wasn't life threatening, and have at least one sincere positive interaction with him every day. There were days I had to work hard to find that positive interaction, but I managed and things turned around for the better. We both changed and we are friends now.