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As a parent, you are used to being the caregiver and convincing someone that they are not as independent will always be a challenge. Depending on the level of their needs, either hire a part-time "assistant" is an option.
For yourself, moving a parent in with you can be really stressful. We have any people who resent their parents so consider all the options.
For me, it was a hospital/rehab stay. We told her she needed to stay with me for a while. That lasted 20 months then 8months at an AL. Now it's longterm. I find. The best way is when they have a hospital stay and go to rehab. Here rehabs are connected to LTF. You ask to have the person evaluated while in rehab for longterm. Then you have the therapist or doctor explain to the patient that they no longer can take care of themselves. Then u can make a decision if you can take care of them or long-term is better.
Depending how able an elder is, sometimes sharing a home with others (not always family) works--I've seen different levels of this, from two fairly mobile people to homes that care for several quite limited residents. One of my good friends is an active 90-yr old who found herself with a widowed sister-in-law that needed a home--at first, my friend was able to get the newcomer medically straightened out, and was even getting aid from the local Dept of Aging, who used to have a program for subsidising care, and now the sister-in-law, in much better health, is taking care of my friend. They also have the son of a deceased friend who is not able to hold down a regular job, but is chauffeur and general extra hands for them; with housecleaning help and yard help, they are doing amazingly well. Be creative! There are more alternatives than family or institutions.
You don't! And as hard as that may be for you, especially to comprehend, it is the reality of the situation. It will probably take a number of catastrophes in order for you to be able to gain POA for healthcare. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you....it happens to a lot of us. You are not alone, you are frustrated. Time to take the bull by the horns and take control. I wish you well. It'll be better when that happens and you will feel much easier about her care. You will have to force your Mom to do what is the safe and best thing for her. She may hate you for that initially, but it'll pass and she will acclimate to her new surroundings. Gook luck.
Ask them to come stay with you to 'help YOU'. You need someone at home because Pick one or two: expecting a lot of deliveries dog/cat can't be alone kids/teens can't be alone need them to help with a project (it can be as simple as sorting through boxes of old photos to make albums) Do they have a skill or hobby that you 'need' them to do for you, pets to supervise? If someone has the luxury of time, they can start by bringing them for weekend or weekly visits that get extended each time. Otherwise, find a way to put the best possible light on the situation to make them feel needed, wanted and helpful and welcomed.
I had to get over the idea that I could make my mom happy, and instead focus on getting her the care that she needs in the best possible way for both of us. She has dementia, probably Alzheimer's, and has progressed from IL to AL to Memory Care. She complained about all of them. She refuses to participate in most of the activities offered and spends most of her time sitting in her recliner in her room. She continues to complain and demand that I move her back to her house (not sure which house she is referring to), find her an apartment where she can take care of herself or take her to my house. None of these is even a remote possibility. My response is that I am working on making arrangements for whatever she is requesting. With her 30-second memory she never remembers the conversation. For a long time I felt guilty that she was not happy, but I have realized that my responsibility is to make sure that she is safe, properly medicated and well cared for, not to make her happy. I wish that she was as understanding and cooperative as Jeanne's mom was, but that is not, and never has been, her personality.
The last few days there were some very active posts asking if we would take our parents into our homes if given a second chance to make that decision--and the overwhelming answer was "NO!".
In our heart of hearts, we all want what's BEST for our elders by bringing them into our homes. In doing that, we often ruin our own home lives and family dynamics. Think long and hard before you jump into the 24/7/365 caregiving. Go back and read the posts from people who have done that--and their deep regrets. Not just for the loss of freedom, but for the loss of good relationships with the parents. It "seems" natural to do. It, in fact, is a life changer, and not usually for the best. In the end, only you can decide what's best for your extended family.
There are people who don't like the idea of living under someone else's roof when they're used to running things their way at home. Did it ever occur to you that you can just do things for her on your regular visits? I don't blame her for wanting to stay home, so would I. What you could do is give her the offer the opportunity to make a choice by giving the ultimatum, either she allows help to come in or she goes into alternate living arrangements. Let her know that if this happens, someone will get custody of her because someone will become her guardian. She can choose between allowing help and staying home or alternate living arrangements and a guardian. Let her know that if she obtains a guardian, that means alternate living arrangements which means she won't be able to stay home and she'll have no say over what happens to all of her stuff. That should be enough to get her thinking because I don't think she's going to want to give up her home life over something simple that would help her so much. It sounds like she would be able to stay home longest by allowing someone to come in and actually help her
Are you certain that you are ready to have your loved one live with you? As if it is affordable and if there are quality facilities near you, an assisted living place would be my recommendation. At the very least consider getting help with a skilled care giver to provide respite for you. I realize not all can afford this but if you can I think it would be a better option. I love my mother so much and she is an easy house guest, but I would not be able to have a balanced life for myself if she lived with me.
As for getting your loved one to agree to a living change, a critical medical event too often is how we're able to get loved ones to agree. In our case my mom's doctors were very helpful after such an event. We also were able to leverage her desire to stay in the town she lives in, which has a wonderful facility, versus needing her to move closer to us to care for her. She is close enough for me to visit weekly, but is able to be near friends and activities she's enjoyed for years.
Here are a couple of instances that worked for my family and for a friend of mine. I understand of course that this may or may not be helpful: 1. My grandmother could not longer live on her own. Her three sons who live out of state hatched up a plan. Their mother would come visit them on extended visits (months at a time) and never return home. So starting with TX which was local for her, then on to ID and finally in NJ where she passed away. 1. A friend of my daughter kept a room available for her mom and invited her to spend the night or the weekend or the week. I don't know what she said to encourage her, but perhaps the grandchildren where involved in events that grandma wanted to attend. Last week, her Mom moved in permanently.
I am also dealing with this issue with my Mom although her options would be AL or in-home assistance as she won't move in with any of her children (it would be a burden). It's the same as your situation, however, where she isn't aware of the amount of help she needs and feels she is doing "just fine". While she has good days and bad days, I am just waiting for the call that she has fallen or is ill (the emergency that forces the issue). I've discussed with her a trial period in an AL apartment or having someone come in but meet with a lot of resistance every time. I finally made an appointment with a psychologist for a full neurological assessment and that is coming up in May. I expect the outcome to be that she isn't safe living alone. If so, I hope it will allow for a more objective discussion of options as the safety of her living situation will no longer be my opinion but the opinion of an expert. I am not looking forward to it but I just want my Mom to be safe. Good luck to you, it's amazing how many of us are struggling with this!
As stated, read through stories on this site. Moving the parent in has the ability to unravel the life you previously had. It has no timeline and could go on until you yourself are "elderly".
First if your parent has been living independently it is a HUGE change to admit that you can no longer care for yourself. If your parent is cognoscente then it is even more difficult. You have not given much info as to why YOU want this change. If there are health reasons the change is understandable but might not be the first best step. There are Independent Living facilities, Assisted Living facilities and Memory Care. Many will move residents from one to the other as the need arises. Many will allow a short stay to "try on" the community. So she/ he can feel what it is like to live in a place where they can get help if they need it or be left alone if that is what they want. Keep in mind that a move is difficult for anyone and particularly for a person that may have spent more than half their life in the very spot you want to uproot them from. Friends and memories are difficult to move. Not to mention familiarity with the house and area. And PLEASE do not think it will be easy for you, your family or your parent to move in with you. Just look at some of the questions and responses that are on this forum and many others. Your parent may be, or seems to be healthy now but what happens when shortly after the move you find that they have early stages or most likely mid stage dementia? What happens when they fall and break a hip and you become more of a caregiver? What happens when your parent has to use a walker or a wheelchair and you find the bathrooms are too small, the halls not wide enough and you have to pull up carpet because it is difficult to navigate? What happens when you find that all your friends stop calling to ask you if you want to go to a movie or to dinner because your answer is "No, because I can't leave Mom (or Dad) alone that long" If you still work hope your boss is understanding because you will be taking more time off to care for your parent. Start pricing Caregivers, they are not cheap and it is hard to find a good honest one. Not easy to read is it? Your parents brought you up to become an independent adult, to get married, move out of their home, raise a family. Your parents would be the first to tell you that they would not want to be a burden and that they would not want to disrupt your life. Help your parent find a good facility with the resources that will fit their need. Independent, Assisted or Memory Care. You know they will be cared for and you can remain the daughter or son that they raised, loving, caring and not resentful or angry at them. Not an easy thought but it is the decision I would make for the sake of my family.
A lot of the time, it's gonna take a crisis before anything can be done. If it involves a hospital and rehab stay, most doctors and social workers will try to push the whole your family will take your parents into your home and you take care of them. Well, that's a nice idea but it's not possible, most of the time. It will boil down to you to push back and say that you can't take care of them at home and push them to find other solutions. Never be afraid to say no, you are not going to provide hands on care.
Sometimes what an elder needs is not going to be what they want. But that goes for a lot of people at all different stages of life.
Your mom might need more help that she admits, but think twice (OK, 20 times) about bringing her into your home. Odds are, that is not the best solution. Your health matters, too. Not to mention your sanity.
Many cautionary tales on this site. I urge you to search and read. And yes, almost everyone's story starts with good intentions and a positive attitude. Unfortunately, it usually takes much, much more to get the job done.
And remember, all elders are on a downhill slide. Whether or hot they admit it. Whether or not their heartbroken adult children admit it. The job gets harder as the months and years pass. So. Much. Harder.
It's OK to assemble a team. Outsourcing is not a betrayal.
There's no such thing as a hospital, AL, rehab or long-term-care facility with only one or two employees. Remember that.
Good luck to you. Be good to yourself. These are rough years. (((hugs)))
jeannegibbs, I think we are at that point. FIL fell almost 2 weeks ago, Hit his head and had a craniotomy. He had HUGE brain bleed! He now has a metal plate in his head. God forbid he falls again.
I'm afraid that Jessie and CDN are right. Clark and Malay, your parents fall into the "waiting for a crisis" category. Until there is a fall that requires ER treatment or they start a kitchen fire (let's hope a small one) or get sick from eating spoiled food, there is little you can do to force the issue. Take full advantage of any crisis. If your parent winds up in the ER or is hospitalized, tell the staff of their impairments, that they are not safe at home alone, and there is no one there to look after them. Depending on the circumstances, that may start the process of requiring them to accept help.
We allowed (tricked) our mother to feel she was helping us out. First we got her to accept in-home help in the form of cleaning/laundry, meals-on-wheels, and visiting nurse. When the social worker suggested a house cleaner, for example, Mother said, "Oh, I don't need that! My daughters take care of that!" a daughter spoke up and said, "We have limited time to spend with you, Ma, and when we are here we want to play scrabble with you, not scrub your toilet!" So she agreed to the help for her daughters' sake. This probably gave her an extra couple of years or more in her apartment. (If only elders would realize that accepting help will give them "independence" longer!)
When it became clear Mother could no longer live alone, she first agreed to move in with my retired sister, but as the date approached she had more and more objections. Finally my youngest sister took her aside and told her this little fib: "Since Sister has retired they are having trouble making their mortgage payments, so they have to rent out some rooms. It would be great if you could move in." And so she did, to help Sister out.
After about a year Mother needed more care than could be provided in a private home. We found a nursing home for her. Mother was with me the weekend of the move, and the other sisters moved her things in and got the room personalized. I was stuck with being the one to tell Ma and I was worried how I would do that. But she said, "I don't like to keep imposing on Sister and BIL. They need their privacy. I've been there a long time." This has come up from time to time and we always reassure her that she is paying rent and she is not imposing and they like to have her, etc. But this time I just assured her that they liked having her there but they realized she was eager to have her own place, so they found a nice place for her and I would be taking her there at the end of the weekend, instead of taking to her to Sister. She was surprised, but she accepted that. It took her a while to adjust to the nursing home, but she never did ask to "go home."
We were able to appeal to our mother's strong sense of being nice to and helpful to her children. We were lucky.
Not all parents are like this! But if there is any way you can present the changes you propose as being for your sake and appeal to their nurturing instincts, go for it!
My mom got booted out of AL after two weeks - they said her needs were beyond what they could handle - and I'm sure they were right. But my mom had been in IL until "the fall" - the one that was a game changer. Taking my mom from IL to a nursing home would have been to much for her to accept - not without at least being able to say we gave AL a shot.
Once mom finally understood that no matter how wrong she felt the AL administration was - after all there was nothing wrong with her - she really did not have the option of staying where she was.
Still being cognizant enough to realize the outcome would eventually be the same at any AL facility - but not being willing to go into a nursing home - after all there was nothing wrong with her - mom came up with the perfect solution- I was to go find her a lovely apartment. Lovely as it might have been - still, just a regular apartment.
Never mind that mom was pretty much wheelchair bound. Never mind the reason she had to leave AL was that she fell twice in ten days. Never mind she couldn't transfer on her own, go to the bathroom on her own - change her dirty Depends on her own. Not without covering herself and the bathroom in poo. Never mind mom frequently called me in the middle of the night to ask if it was 3:00 am or pm. Never mind.
Yep, an apartment on her own. The perfect solution. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it. Maybe it was the fear of being charged with neglect and elder abuse.
What cdnreader says is right. Sometimes, though, they won't let anyone help. Unless they are declared legally incompetent, no one can force them to accept help. When they refuse help, all we can do is wait to step in when we can to provide what is needed. Sometimes there has to be a crisis before they will accept help. All we can do is hope the crisis is not too bad.
This is so hard. As the adult children as much as we want to go along with our parent's wishes, sometimes we have to take control. I hope a firm and loving conversation will do the trick. Or if all else fails getting the doctor, social services or family therapist involved in their care. Maybe your parents don't want to live with adult children, try to give them more options. Maybe they would like to tour assisted living facilities or nursing homes instead. No matter how they protest, we as the adult children must try and put their safety and comfort first. I tried and still feel like I failed since my dad's passing.
My husband and I are having problems with his single father. He's down to 93 pounds and recently fell leading to emergency brain surgery. He locked a sitter out of the house and isn't paying bills, though he makes enough money. Family States we should leave him but how do you do that?
It is hard to convince a person that they are not able to care for themselves. A person remains the same person inside their mind. Things they do wrong are small to them and will be better if they get a good night's sleep or just sit down and rest a while. When we watch from the outside we know better. It is easier to see things from the outside.
Sometimes they do know that something is wrong and they're not coping well, but they will never admit it to anyone. It's a pride thing and probably a fear of losing independence. No one wants to become a helpless old person.
If she does need help and isn't willing to move somewhere, maybe you can talk her into hiring someone to come in for a few hours a day. Would she be able to afford that?
My mother will not admit she can't live by herself. This is strange because she asked me for years to move home to help her. I've been hear 7.5 years now. When I say I want to take a break, she thinks it's a good idea. But she says she doesn't need anyone to come in. She can take care of herself. I know this isn't true -- it would be a mess. It's her way of making sure she doesn't have to go anywhere and that no one comes in the house.
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For yourself, moving a parent in with you can be really stressful. We have any people who resent their parents so consider all the options.
You need someone at home because
Pick one or two:
expecting a lot of deliveries
dog/cat can't be alone
kids/teens can't be alone
need them to help with a project (it can be as simple
as sorting through boxes of old photos to make albums)
Do they have a skill or hobby that you 'need' them to do for you,
pets to supervise?
If someone has the luxury of time, they can start by bringing them for weekend or weekly visits that get extended each time.
Otherwise, find a way to put the best possible light on the situation
to make them feel needed, wanted and helpful and welcomed.
In our heart of hearts, we all want what's BEST for our elders by bringing them into our homes. In doing that, we often ruin our own home lives and family dynamics. Think long and hard before you jump into the 24/7/365 caregiving. Go back and read the posts from people who have done that--and their deep regrets. Not just for the loss of freedom, but for the loss of good relationships with the parents. It "seems" natural to do. It, in fact, is a life changer, and not usually for the best.
In the end, only you can decide what's best for your extended family.
As for getting your loved one to agree to a living change, a critical medical event too often is how we're able to get loved ones to agree. In our case my mom's doctors were very helpful after such an event. We also were able to leverage her desire to stay in the town she lives in, which has a wonderful facility, versus needing her to move closer to us to care for her. She is close enough for me to visit weekly, but is able to be near friends and activities she's enjoyed for years.
1. My grandmother could not longer live on her own. Her three sons who live out of state hatched up a plan. Their mother would come visit them on extended visits (months at a time) and never return home. So starting with TX which was local for her, then on to ID and finally in NJ where she passed away.
1. A friend of my daughter kept a room available for her mom and invited her to spend the night or the weekend or the week. I don't know what she said to encourage her, but perhaps the grandchildren where involved in events that grandma wanted to attend. Last week, her Mom moved in permanently.
If your parent is cognoscente then it is even more difficult.
You have not given much info as to why YOU want this change.
If there are health reasons the change is understandable but might not be the first best step.
There are Independent Living facilities, Assisted Living facilities and Memory Care. Many will move residents from one to the other as the need arises.
Many will allow a short stay to "try on" the community. So she/ he can feel what it is like to live in a place where they can get help if they need it or be left alone if that is what they want.
Keep in mind that a move is difficult for anyone and particularly for a person that may have spent more than half their life in the very spot you want to uproot them from. Friends and memories are difficult to move. Not to mention familiarity with the house and area.
And PLEASE do not think it will be easy for you, your family or your parent to move in with you.
Just look at some of the questions and responses that are on this forum and many others.
Your parent may be, or seems to be healthy now but what happens when shortly after the move you find that they have early stages or most likely mid stage dementia? What happens when they fall and break a hip and you become more of a caregiver? What happens when your parent has to use a walker or a wheelchair and you find the bathrooms are too small, the halls not wide enough and you have to pull up carpet because it is difficult to navigate? What happens when you find that all your friends stop calling to ask you if you want to go to a movie or to dinner because your answer is "No, because I can't leave Mom (or Dad) alone that long" If you still work hope your boss is understanding because you will be taking more time off to care for your parent.
Start pricing Caregivers, they are not cheap and it is hard to find a good honest one.
Not easy to read is it?
Your parents brought you up to become an independent adult, to get married, move out of their home, raise a family.
Your parents would be the first to tell you that they would not want to be a burden and that they would not want to disrupt your life.
Help your parent find a good facility with the resources that will fit their need. Independent, Assisted or Memory Care.
You know they will be cared for and you can remain the daughter or son that they raised, loving, caring and not resentful or angry at them.
Not an easy thought but it is the decision I would make for the sake of my family.
Sometimes what an elder needs is not going to be what they want. But that goes for a lot of people at all different stages of life.
Many cautionary tales on this site. I urge you to search and read. And yes, almost everyone's story starts with good intentions and a positive attitude. Unfortunately, it usually takes much, much more to get the job done.
And remember, all elders are on a downhill slide. Whether or hot they admit it. Whether or not their heartbroken adult children admit it. The job gets harder as the months and years pass. So. Much. Harder.
It's OK to assemble a team. Outsourcing is not a betrayal.
There's no such thing as a hospital, AL, rehab or long-term-care facility with only one or two employees. Remember that.
Good luck to you. Be good to yourself. These are rough years. (((hugs)))
We allowed (tricked) our mother to feel she was helping us out. First we got her to accept in-home help in the form of cleaning/laundry, meals-on-wheels, and visiting nurse. When the social worker suggested a house cleaner, for example, Mother said, "Oh, I don't need that! My daughters take care of that!" a daughter spoke up and said, "We have limited time to spend with you, Ma, and when we are here we want to play scrabble with you, not scrub your toilet!" So she agreed to the help for her daughters' sake. This probably gave her an extra couple of years or more in her apartment. (If only elders would realize that accepting help will give them "independence" longer!)
When it became clear Mother could no longer live alone, she first agreed to move in with my retired sister, but as the date approached she had more and more objections. Finally my youngest sister took her aside and told her this little fib: "Since Sister has retired they are having trouble making their mortgage payments, so they have to rent out some rooms. It would be great if you could move in." And so she did, to help Sister out.
After about a year Mother needed more care than could be provided in a private home. We found a nursing home for her. Mother was with me the weekend of the move, and the other sisters moved her things in and got the room personalized. I was stuck with being the one to tell Ma and I was worried how I would do that. But she said, "I don't like to keep imposing on Sister and BIL. They need their privacy. I've been there a long time." This has come up from time to time and we always reassure her that she is paying rent and she is not imposing and they like to have her, etc. But this time I just assured her that they liked having her there but they realized she was eager to have her own place, so they found a nice place for her and I would be taking her there at the end of the weekend, instead of taking to her to Sister. She was surprised, but she accepted that. It took her a while to adjust to the nursing home, but she never did ask to "go home."
We were able to appeal to our mother's strong sense of being nice to and helpful to her children. We were lucky.
Not all parents are like this! But if there is any way you can present the changes you propose as being for your sake and appeal to their nurturing instincts, go for it!
Once mom finally understood that no matter how wrong she felt the AL administration was - after all there was nothing wrong with her - she really did not have the option of staying where she was.
Still being cognizant enough to realize the outcome would eventually be the same at any AL facility - but not being willing to go into a nursing home - after all there was nothing wrong with her - mom came up with the perfect solution- I was to go find her a lovely apartment. Lovely as it might have been - still, just a regular apartment.
Never mind that mom was pretty much wheelchair bound. Never mind the reason she had to leave AL was that she fell twice in ten days. Never mind she couldn't transfer on her own, go to the bathroom on her own - change her dirty Depends on her own. Not without covering herself and the bathroom in poo. Never mind mom frequently called me in the middle of the night to ask if it was 3:00 am or pm. Never mind.
Yep, an apartment on her own. The perfect solution. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it. Maybe it was the fear of being charged with neglect and elder abuse.
Sometimes they do know that something is wrong and they're not coping well, but they will never admit it to anyone. It's a pride thing and probably a fear of losing independence. No one wants to become a helpless old person.
If she does need help and isn't willing to move somewhere, maybe you can talk her into hiring someone to come in for a few hours a day. Would she be able to afford that?
My mother will not admit she can't live by herself. This is strange because she asked me for years to move home to help her. I've been hear 7.5 years now. When I say I want to take a break, she thinks it's a good idea. But she says she doesn't need anyone to come in. She can take care of herself. I know this isn't true -- it would be a mess. It's her way of making sure she doesn't have to go anywhere and that no one comes in the house.