Mom has been in ALF for the past 2 years and now she is wanting out. She wants to move about 4 hours away from me, a town where she use to live. She is pysically somewhat strong, a little weak on the legs but as I talk to her she tends to repeat the same stories and is very moody maybe some early signs of dementia? I never know what to expect when I go to visit. She has never lived by herself and would be very socially alone. She doesn't drive and would have to depend on strangers for everything even though she keeps repeating that "I can take care of myself". How do i handle this? What do I tell her? Everytime this subject comes up we get into a spat. I just listen to her and try to change the subject. Is this the right thing to do? I know if I were to let her go I bet on my life that a short time down the road she will be calling me to help her. If something happened and she would have to go the hospital it would take me 4 hrs. to get there. She is very stubborn and it is very hard to get through to her. Any suggestions?
Please don't give in to what you know is not best. You are the rational, logical adult in this situation.
The other thing is that if she is starting to repeat herself, she may be experiencing symptoms of dementia. If that were to be the case, she would not be safe living on her own.
I wouldn't argue with her to avoid getting into regular spats. I would just keep reassuring her that you are grateful to live nearby so that you can visit her often and be there in no time if she needs anything. It's hard, though. She may very well keep insisting on moving away, but that is to be expected when it happens. It is a longing for something that has been lost, including independence. No matter how nice, AL is an institutional experience for many individuals. Whatever you decide, hope it all works for the best with your Mom and for you.
naheaton, I think your insight is very likely to apply. rrsams23, do you see other signs of declining cognition, memory, and/or mood disturbances?
I wonder if a short stay in a motel in that town (rrsams & Mom together) would bring to light more of what really is behind this request.
Good luck!
It's hard when 2 adults don't read from the same page nothing that very little has been written on. So let's start with an exercise for the both of you:
On an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet, make two columns and list the Costs & Benefits of Leaving AL. Do it together. Discuss them, weigh those pros & cons. Whatever you say, allow her to make -- and respect -- her opinions and decisions. I'd let her do most of the talking. One thing is thinking about something, another thing is hearing yourself say it out loud. Have you ever said to yourself "Oh my God. ... What am I thinking?" or "I can't believe I did that."?
If your Mom, however, is a danger to herself then come straight out and tell her how you feel. Dispense with the politically-correct verbal pyrotechnics and million-dollar words that aren't worth a penny. You're not running for office. For the love of cheese and crackers, it's your Mother. ... Who knows? She might change her mind after noticing you'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
Still, unless there are tons of indoor/outdoor activities there isn't much living to be done in AL. You're just "existing" on an invisible leash at all times, yet are told you're independent. It comes as no surprise, then, that people want to leave and take their chances at complete self-reliance.
Let me know if everything works out.
-- Ed
Both of you, on an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet, make two columns.
Sorry about the the typos. I meant "... read from the same page very little has been written on."
Also, forget about that phrase "Both of you, ..." after my signature.
I'm getting ready for work at 3:00 am, but couldn't leave without answering your question.
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