How to convince Mom to make the decision to move to assisted living or get in home help?

First of all ceedee, you have no reason be feel ashamed about your thoughts. Your entire life has been about caregiving.

It's time to tell your mother and your brothers that you have retired from caregiving. You deserve a life of your own. You can tell your mother that you'll visit her in assisted living but you won't cater to all of her needs as a single caregiver. Stick to your guns with your brothers, too. Tell them that they can are responsible if they won't help you find a solution.

If your brothers won't back you and get your mother paid help, then you could call your local social services and see if they can help. If they can’t do anything, then talk to an elder law attorney to see what you can do to ensure her safety. Since you have Power Of Attorney, an elder law attorney may be able to help you take some steps to move your mother or at least get her in-home help.

Sometimes, people must just wait until there's enough of an emergency to force the person to accept outside care. That's not a pleasant way to live, but it can sometimes be your only choice.

We’re all hoping that you can find a way to have some life for yourself, ceedee. You absolutely deserve it. Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol

Unfortunately you will probably have to wait until she has an incident where she falls and ends up in rehab for a while, then maybe can simply move her to assisted living from there. Hopefully you have a POA. My mother's doctor suggested that is what we have to do, wait until something happens. She won't give us a paper saying she is incompetent because she is still able to get up and get dressed, knows where she is, etc. But she is 99, doesn't bathe, is deaf, has no short term memory at all, starving herself and sometimes incontinent. She is stubborn as an ox, refuses to let anyone help her and resents me and my sister suggesting anything, even though she is always mixed up about times, places, what happened even 5 minutes ago. Fortunately we have power of attorney so we could legally cancel her lease and move her out of independent living and into assisted right from rehab or the hospital and it would be too late for her to stop it. My heart goes out to you because trying to deal with a person who fights you on everything is pure hell (they are really fighting to maintain their independence because they are denial that they need help but it doesn't make it any easier on us to know that, does it?)

Unfortunately, Soozieg is correct. This is sometimes the only option. It's painful for everyone involved, but the courts can't generally do much. Some states may give people more power with their POA than others, so I do think that ceedee may at least try talking with an attorney for one session. However, the chances are sadly on the side of needing to wait until something happens to force the move.
Thanks for chiming in, Soozieg.
Carol

Mom did not want help, fell, hit her head, landed in ICU. The discharge planner arranged for a visiting nurse, PT and OT, all of which have to be ordered by the MD. So your starting point is the primary physician who can order these things through Medicare and the VNA (visiting nurses association). You cannot give choices to someone in dementia. You just do it, and you arrange for anxiety medications if they need that to cope.

It's a hard decision for "us" to make, but know it will be the best for them. My 90 yo mother has dementia, 2nd stage, can't carry on a conversation very well, repeats same old stories. Pain in her hip from hip surgery 2 years ago and needs another surgery but won't go thru that again. Arthritis in her back, feet hurt sometimes when she walks, wears the same clothes everyday, can't cook, can't do her own laundry, showers except I have to get everything ready for her, but she doesn't use much soap, so her towels are filthy. I've never seen dirty soap and hers is dirty. OMG! I'm waiting to hear about a job to come through and want to put mom in a home. Should she go into assistant living, memory care home or a nursing home? I've found a nice assistant living home, but not sure what to do. Any advise from you wonder people?

What will happen if you are killed in a car accident? That is what happened in our case and Mother only last 30 days on her own. She fell and broke some ribs and the hospital refused to let her go home, alone. She went to rehab and then, to AL - but she likes the nursing home, so that is where she has been for the last year. She could not be getting better care. (None of us thought that she would like it, but she does.)

I could not get along with my Mother, in my home, either.

I FEEL FOR YOU. yOU ARE NO ALONE WITH THIS PROBLEM unfortunately UNTIL AN EMERGECY happens nothing can be done. It is a hard fact to accept, but our hands are tied by the stubbornness of our loved ones. Pray for strength to accept what we cannot change. You are not alone with this problem. Hugs

Have you tried invoking the authority of THE DOCTOR? Your mother comes from a generation which venerated physicians, perhaps especially males. If you talk with her doctor about this, perhaps s/he will allow you to say "doctor's orders." Could be helpful if your mother responds to that sort of thing. Good luck.

I pray that you can find a way to get the proper assistance that you need. Below is what my husband and family are dealing with because of my mother in law's health mainly. If you or anybody has any suggestions for us please feel free to pass them along as well. Thanks so very much!

Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that you provide us with the strength & patience to know how to handle my ailing mother in law being forced to go back home with my elderly father in law who has dementia after being in a nursing/ rehab from many complications from diabetes, renal failure and Parkinson's disease. She's allowed to remain in the nursing facility up to 100 days paid by Medicare but because this is an ongoing occurrence and she had been in there from August through October and then had to return around Christmas, she used up her 100 days very quickly this time mainly because the 100 days apparently doesn't begin again until I believe you have been out for 60 days and then have another hospital stay. She can't walk or get around at all and needs total skilled nursing and they aren't unwilling to really pay for much help for lack of financial planning. It has really become a burden on my husband, his brother, my sister in law and myself over the past 4 years the most but it all truly began 14 years when she had quadruple by-pass surgery. She has never maintained her disease and now it has become all of our burdens and heartaches to deal with. It is causing great stress in my marriage and has caused us to place our lives on hold. Please provide us with the strength, patience, courage & wisdom to be able to do what is best for both of my in laws even if it means backing away and allowing the state to take over because they refuse to have us help them and believe that they can handle things on their own until my mother in law falls and then it's a crisis & demand that we rush to them. Each time they call 911 it's recorded & eventually APS (adult protective services is contacted) They even recently requested that my husband quit his job and we both move in so that they don't have to pay for anyone. He had to tough love it and tell them no because we have responsibilities of our own such as a mortgage and can not afford to do that. Then my mother in law proceeds on calling my husband inconsiderate when we have been at their beck and call for years now. We have tired to get the ball rolling on Wills, Trusts, POA's and assistance and they say they will think about it. Nothing ever happens. It's now been 4 years that this has been going on and we are at our wits ends and don't know where to turn. Lord please provide us with that is needed to do what is best for them as we really don't want to just turn away but with them not allowing us to assist them really, what choice are they giving us. We are not legal guardians and we do not care to be. I ask this is your heavenly name Lord.

Even with POA you are not able to force your mother to move or accept help if she is competent (in the legal sense) to make her own decisions. You do have control over your own behavior, of course.

Stand firm in your resolve not to have her move in with you. Be clear about this each time the subject comes up.

Stop doing the things paid help should be doing. You can't tell her that she must have a cleaning person, for example, but you can refuse to be her cleaning person. As Carol says, tell her you are retiring from caregiving. Stick to it. Don't enable her to put off getting help because you are providing the help.

You are in a tough spot, through no fault of your own. With all the caregiving you have done over the years, you know how to assess what is best for someone. Apply that skill to yourself! Do what is best for you. Retire from caregiving.

You deserve a life. Sounds like you have spent your life taking care of others. You need to have a chance to enjoy your life now. There are places that will take care of your mother. She sounds like my elderly uncle (91) and mother in law (92). They have plenty of money, but won't spend it. I took care of my mother and my aunt before they died and may sound harsh, but don't intend to spend what life I have left taking care of those two. Good luck with your mother.

Alot of the problems that comes with elderly parents is lack of planning, this also happened with my parents however my dad has passed and my mom Thank God has prepared now.. he was Alzheimer CHF and other medical issues. If your inlaws have disabilities which are affecting their well being may i suggest you sit down with an elderly attorney . My mother did this and alot of prayer also it does. work. We all tend to think oh i got time when we really do not time goes so quickly and before we know it we are in need of alot of help. a pow wow and with them needs to come to order and let the two of them know this is it . be gentle with love however lay out the facts i call it the fact sheet and list the pros and cons of the situation .

From a fellow nurse, YOU have earned a holiday! Take that POA, write a check to an agency for help for your mother, and let the chips fall where they may. Tell her it is your time now and if she doesn't like it, well, you choose your own words. My formula is: resistance + money + closeness to you + your burnout = agency help. Tell her this nurse just wrote your prescription for a better life, and do it. Let us know what happens. Happy New Year!

The doctor was the key in my mother's case (Alzhiemer's). He told her that unless she willlingly went into assisted care, he would contact the state and they would place her there. I am not sure if he would have or not, but she believed him. She cried and complained, but it was the best decision for her. She is in assisted care.

CeeDee - your story could be mine (except I live long distance and work full time). My mom is 91 this month and same thing; continues to live independently (does have dementia and ALZ) and only wants me to do for her or look out for her. She refuses all outside help (PT care, companion, housekeeping, etc.). I've been down this road for 18 mo and it has taken me a long time (I too have POA) however, drs, county behavioural, etc; lawyers have all advised that elders have some rights -- including the right to make bad decisions (unless I am willing to petition for guardianship or court to declare incompetency -- which I have elected not to do as I don't believe any good outcome can come of that if she is removed from home and placed against her will). I've been advised by drs, aging center, etc. that unfortunately, I will just have to wait for a catastrophic event (hospitalization, fall, picked up by police) and then enlist social worker/case worker to medically transfer her to a facility or care unit.

So we wait....

In the meantime, I try to continue to keep dialog open with mom, enlist her engagement in planning for the inevitable future about what she wants when the time comes and where she wants to live. I have also visited local facilities in her area and mine to see what options are out there, finances required, etc.

Center for Aging knows my situation and mom's and they advised that I let her be and stop "propping her up" by always being at her beck and call, buying groceries, rescuing her when she can't get yard help, arrange for service people, get groceries, get to an appt, etc. That if I keep doing it, she will never accept help or realize her limitations. I realized the wisdom of that. I still take her calls when she asks me to call so and so, etc. but I tell her "you are in charge and i can't do that right now, so if you need someone immediately call them, etc.".

I have had to come to the realization that she may never move until forced and I have quit allowing myself to be frustrated when she won't move or consider moving....I get it now and although it would be easier and less worrisome for me if she would happily move to care facility...I understand why she doesn't want to move and how traumatic that "last move" will be for her and taking away the little control over her circumstances that she has left. Starting over at her age is scary, FINAL, and unsettling.

So I wait.

My advice would be to set boundaries. Don't let her bully you into feeling guilty about not helping her, including her in activies, etc. (Easier said than done...but you have to keep trying for your own mental health). Remember you deserve a life too and it isn't expected that you spend the better part of your life serving her just cause she's your mom; if she has the means, it would be the loving thing for her to do to get hire help/assistance so she isn't so dependent on you if it is her desire to continue to stay in her home. Set boundaries, tell her you will visit Tues and Thurs and dinner on Sun -- whatever; then stick to it. Ignore the calls, if it is urgent she'll leave a message -- otherwise ignore. Start living; start making plans; joining activities, dine-out, bookclub, hobbies, etc. and embrace old and new friendships -- make YOU a priority.

I think sunflo 2 makes a lot of sense. Decide how much you want to do and do no more. I have hired someone to check on MIL on days we are not there. Lovely woman who MIL says is a "good egg," but still complains about her coming. This companion will help her with chores, take her shopping, etc, but MIL will not let her do anything.MIL does not know she pays the bill.