Mil has fell 9 times in the past year this last time she broke her ankle, this is the same ankle she broke some years ago which is why she is immobile, she ended up at the nursing home for therapy for about 8 weeks and convinced the nursing home she was ready to go home, she wasn't, she was home 2 days and fell and sprained the same ankle again! She has been back at the nursing home for a couple weeks and is refusing to stay when therapy is over, we are all at a loss here and don't want her to go home it's too dangerous. She has been begging for my husband and I to move in with her but that is not possible it just won't work out, she is a very demanding woman and I know it will cause us problems, we are all so stressed over this and my husband is just sick about trying to get her to stay, any help?
And get this into husband's head if nothing else, because it is really important for him to understand: even if you were to move your MIL in the guilt trips and the demands and the unhappiness would carry on. Because location is not the problem. Old age, frailty and loss are the problem. Nothing your poor husband can do can solve those.
What you can do for both of them is adopt a brisk, cheerful and practical approach, and remind them that the important thing is that 'Mother' is safe, warm and in capable hands.
What you don't need to say out loud, but do need to remember, is that when your husband says he feels terrible and he must look after his mother etc etc blah blah blah... What would almost certainly happen is that he feels terrible, he moves his mother into his house, and YOU must take care of her. Please do not fall for that one.
Talk to the discharge planner at the rehab (or in the hospital, if she will be discharged from there rather than going back to the rehab) and make it abundantly clear that you will NOT be providing live-in care. Be firm. Practice before the meeting. Don't let them guilt-trip you or bully you. You have a right to make decisions that are best for you as well as for your MIL. You are not moving into your MIL's house. Suggest the discharge planner work with MIL to try to make other arrangements for in-home care. You are not providing it beyond the help you already provide, and that is not around the clock presence. After the meeting, send an email putting it in writing. "Thanks for your help and understanding. As we discussed we are not able to move into mother's house as she would prefer. We agree that she needs ongoing supervision, and we understand she is competent to make her own decision at this time."
I know he's worried sick about his mom but let your husband know that there's nothing he can do about the situation right now, he might as well give in and go onto the next phase of your MIL's life. From your description, he's going to need all the strength he can get in the coming weeks and months.
Years later my hubby understands how stressful and difficult that would have been. At the time he was all for me staying home and running my life around his father. As it ended, we got in home care for him (they were lousy, sadly) and I wound up going out to his place 2-3 times a day to care for him. It was a better choice than having him move in.
If your MIL can possibly afford some in home caregivers, try that route. Be aware that once she begins the constant falling---her options are going to be very limited. And the "compliance" when she's in the NH is totally normal. My mother will sing and dance for anybody who is coming to her house to give her therapy, then she sits down and doesn't move for days.
Your hubby's guilt is normal---but help him be strong.
She probably won't but there will come a time that you'll have to say you all can't help her any longer. Suggest kindly that she needs to choose an AL from the ones you have visited.
Please don't let her demolish your ordinary lives. She can live very nicely in an AL and have help from fall prevention to fun social activities. Talk it up to her...
Best of luck!
On another note my 90 yr old Mom had a stroke and HAD to go in a nursing home. I hate it! We had her near us for 7 months, my sister took her for 2 months and we finally found a nursing home we all agreed upon at a distance where we CAN'T feel guilty about not visiting every day. I wish you the best with your situation and can only say "pray about everything before making a decision".
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