MIL is 90 and has lived with us 10 years. She needs more attention than I can provide. MIL uses Rolator and has limited ambulation but considers herself "independent." I'm a 67 year old RN so she much prefers me to stay with her and doesn't want to pay for help. She can be manipulative with statements like "Go ahead and go to the gym, I'll just take a shower by myself while you're gone...." threatening to risk falling. How do I change the status quo of her being in charge of my life (and my husbands.)
Oh, another tip. The problem you really have is with your husband. It's his mother. His problem. "If wifey ain't happy, nobody's happy." Remind him. ;)
My Dad always threatened to start driving again, and I would give him a 101 reasons not to drive, making me very upset..... finally the next time I said "well if you start driving, be sure to call up Mr. Smith [the car insurance agent] so he can place you as the main driver". Those threats are now becoming less and less :)
I would offer the same kind of retort that Flyer recommends, or even ask her what precautions she plans to take when she showers.
Hopefully she's not the kind who would deliberately fall and injure herself to prove you shouldn't have left her.
Although I'm not sure this would work, it is a suggestion. Set specific times for showering and other tasks when you and your husband are available. If she wants to work outside those parameters, which she probably may do at first to test you, stand your ground and don't back down.
You might also confort her and challenge her by telling her you know she's trying to manpulate you but that it won't work. Add that you're setting aside time for her but will not be goaded or tricked into acceding to her demands, and that everyone needs to work together if the relationship is to work. She may not respond to the team player argument, but sometimes it's enough to make her take a second breath and step back to regroup.
Take back control of your own life.
She is not mentally incompetent, she has some choices. You cannot force what she spends money on. But you have choices, too. She is in your home because you chose to have her there. That can change. You can no longer handle all of her needs. You will allow her to stay there (and you hope she does) if she will pay for the additional help you need to feel comfortable about her safety. Or she can choose instead to pay for her care somewhere else; you will help her find a nice ALF or other suitable care center.
Presenting this to her is your husband's job, by the way.
Make it very clear that you are available to help her in the morning but you are taking ME time in the afternoon for two hours
And I need to keep remembering what my therapist told me.... that my parents made their choice to keep living in their single family home, thus they need to be responsible for their choice.