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She will not take care of herself, is immobile and too weak to walk.Now she doesn't even want to use her bedside potty chair, she just want to go in bed. Her and my father in law live with us but we work full time. My father in law is not strong enough to continue to her daily care. What can we do?

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Call Hospice. It is time.
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Sometimes, what we want and what we need are two different issues. It's time to make that decision for her. Don't feel guilty, you need to take care of yourself and your own family. Best wishes for getting through this new phase of your/her life.
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It may help to have her doctor deliver the news, with the threat the state will arrange it if she does not agree. Advice coming from a non-family member is more likely to be accepted. Good luck!
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You can contact aplaceformom, and call them for free advice and assistance. I would of course speak with your mother-in-law's doctor for advice and referrals. Also you can call your local senior center, senior services organization, county information and referral service, university gerontology department, family service, or hospital social work unit for contact suggestions. In the U.S. you can call your local Area Agency on Aging. Best of luck.
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I would suggest hiring a very seasoned RN Care Manager to support you in this process often elderly people view nursing homes a a horrible places. When a very professional Care Manager comes in and does an assessment and connects emotionally with the elderly person and assures them they will be with them throughout the process, will find them a great place and to help in her transition. She will be more likely to move forward. The more frustrated you are the more she is going to fight you. Open your heart and bring someone into help, she knows it is time. She wants to feel in control and a good Care Manager will help it be her idea.
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I agree that a third party could help you here. If your mother-in-law hears from a doctor that she needs nursing home care, then she may be more willing to make that move.

If, however, she has six months or less to live, then hospice is your answer. Once again, you'll need input from a doctor. Before taking her in, you could write the doctor a letter in advance to explain exactly what is happening at home. If he or she is fully informed you are likely to get more help.

Good luck with this. We're with you. Please let us know what you decide to do.
Carol
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Get Adult Protective services involved-they great, at least here where I live.

If she is getting ready to move into Spirit-Get Hospice involved with a physician's (her primary care physician) assistance & order will be needed.
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Could they both move into assisted living? There are wonderful facilities where there is a nursing home attached. The transition is much easier from assisted living to nursing home. Best wishes.
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If they have the financial resources, moving them together to an assisted living community would be a good solution. Your FIL could continue to care for your MIL with some help from the staff. He would also have the benefit of being less isolated. If they can't afford it, though, send a letter to her doctor well before an appointment, explaining the situation and her condition in detail and then take her for an appointment and let the doctor prescribe nursing care. After that, just treat it like a final decision and start the planning for it - she can object, but as long as you (and the rest of the family) don't waver, she has to accept it. That will be the hard part, not wavering! I've seen this over an over. If she winds up staying right where she is, it will be your weakness that cause it, not her strength. Good luck. It's hard.
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You can bring help into your home for Personal Assistance hiring someone through your own connection or through an agency. Agency's cost more. I had found help through an ad in the Christian newspaper someone used to advertize needing a job. You could put an add yourself also and interview people.Your county social worker can then help if needed to set up government financial assistance. Depends on household income which program may be the right fit for you. The doctor can also set up temporary help with physical therepy for exercize strengthing or with a home nurse, etc. Something maybe be physically wrong so the doctor can check her out. She may just need encouragement to live too. Everyone needs God. Christian televison and radio would be most beneficial for her. There are many great ministry tapes available to purchase and play especially through connections from Trinity Broadcasting Network or Daystar. You can play tapes of the bible itself too. Your prayers for abundant life Jesus died to give her on earth as it is in heaven would greatly impacting too. The right nursing home may be an ok option but there seems to be a lot of stealing in them from my experience with my step mother amongst other spiritual stuff to deal with. Try to find a Christian one if you choose this option would be my suggestion and this may help. I pray God will reveal to you what is best for your mom and your household. Much blessings to all of you.
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Here is how it progressed for me:
I got to the point that I was having to doing nursing duties (supposities...) and 'he-man' work (lifting dad off the floor up to 10 x/d).
I said I was hiring help for me but it is in home nursing care. They rebelled because they need no help, but I usually default to being to inept to do the job rather than convince them they are falling apart.
They hated the nurses in their homes so much that I said the only way to stop "having someone stare at them all day" was to move into asst living where the nurse are outside the door.
One thing that made the painful stage of them firing and being real mean to the nursing shorter was interesting. Having a big open-concept home is awful for caregivers and those getting care. They are always in eachothers face. In a home with rooms the snack can be made without the parent(s) noticing how stupidly they apply PB to bread, etc...
So, we took steps as safety became paramoount.
It is one year later. They prefer their apartment. I bring them to their big beautiful (open concept, tehe) home a couple times a week for a couple hours. We are in a new routine that is tolerable now.
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If it is financially and emotionally feasible to keep her in the home and hire outside nursing home care, then that is an option. I would have the situation assessed by in in home agency which you can speak to her doctor about it. For the incontinence issue when my father was unable to walk, he wore the depends and then when he could no longer transition to the bathroom, he wore a diaper. They have diapers that are dependent upon the need if your mother in law is a heavy wetter or a light. We also had a pad that we placed on his bed which also helped. If you find it is too expensive to have her at home, then consider assisted living and you would have to have her care assessed by the nurse there to see what is appropriate if she can get care in the home, assisted living or nursing home. Typically if she can feed her self assisted living is appropriate , but if she is not able to feed her self nursing home is more appropriate. May God give you wisdom with helping you to make the best decision.
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Hi Doreen44,
I'm wondering what's causing her weakness and decline, and how quickly it's come on. What have the doctors told you? It seems to me that it would be hard to figure out a care plan without having good information on what's going on with her health, and what your options are for making it better.

If she is terminally declining, then I agree that hospice is often a very good choice.

Good luck, it's a hard situation.
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Nursing homes are terrible places to be! How about if you hire someone to come in while you and your husband are away from home?
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It seems to me that your first action should be to talk with your parents, NOT a doctor or adult protective services! It would be too huge a betrayal and cruelty to go behind their backs to make decisions that are rightfully theirs to make!! Leave them their dignity.

Let them know that you are unable and unwilling to continue this way - that's fair. Help them to understand their options so they can make an informed choice and give them some time to make it. It's unreasonable to demand an immediate answer but to ask for one within a reasonable amount of time is fair. You should be honest about what your preference would be, they have a right to know what your feelings are in this matter, but you shouldn't try to coerce or bully them, nor undermine their right to make their end of life choices.

As far as the type of services they receive, let them make that decision, too. Frankly, if I was in a coma and some jerk was playing Christian TV or radio all day and night for me, I'd be praying alright, for someone to smash the TV or radio and kick your butt! You have no right to force your beliefs, values or preferences on someone else. Again, for pity sake, allow them the dignity of making their own end of life decisions! It's enough to let them know they have to make some and what their options are or aren't.
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I would check if she is eligible for hospice, failing that see if an aide can be hired to care for her. It sounds like this is an end of life situation, she may wish to die in your home rather than an institution like an assisted living arrangement or a nursing home. Long term care in the home requires their savings or a long term care policy if they purchased one.

If the doctor thinks this is near the end, I would try to keep her at home with help. Dying in a nursing home isn't want most folks want.

Good luck.
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I totally agree with you. I have a resident where Christian radio is mandated by family 24 hours a day. Loved one is in a coma. When I enter that room to do care, I hit the off switch first thing or turn the volume all the way down. Stays that way until I leave the room.
Just waiting for family to come in and raise a stink. Their religious choices are not mine and I will not be subjected to them. Doubt they subject themselves to christian radio all around the clock. Chances are their loved ones did not either. Do not make your loved ones a prisioner by making choices for them you know they would have never chosen for themselves .
If your loved one is mentally competent then involve her in your plans that are going to alter her life. If her judgements are extremely poor and or she is mentally incompetent then you must do what is best for welfare . Sounds like her husband can help and be apart of the plan making. He had already let it be known the caregiving is something he can no longer handle. Including him further in any direct care for his wife could lead to unintended abuse of his wife on a verbal and / or physical level. Do not assume he wants to go and live where his wife goes.
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Willows I have to disagree with you about nursing homes being horrible places to be. Yes they can be but not always. My mom was very reluctant to go to a nursing home and I and my siblings were scared for her cause we had heard all the stories of elder abuse etc.

We tried home health care but my mom did not cooperate with the care aids and since we could not be with her all the time when they were not there we had no choice but to transition her into a nursing home. Failure to thrive was her doctor's diagnosis. If left to her own devices she would of died.

It was very hard seeing my mom in a nursing home initially but she has been there seven mths. now and is thriving. She has her own room. Her health has improved substantially and I can honestly say that the staff there are loving, kind and really care about my mom. Of course if I could I would like to have her with me but it just isn't possible and I honestly don't think I could provide her the kind of care she needs.

I don't know how it is where you live but here if a person is not happy where they are placed they are eligible to move when a place becomes available elsewhere. Don't give up!!
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Doreen, the perfect solution would be to place both in-laws into assistant living [there are some wonderful places out there].... father-in-law would have the help he needs to care for his wife.... and he can make new friends who would be there for him whenever he needs a break.

Plus, once mother-in-law passes, father-in-law will be in a place that he is familiar with, he knows the staff, and he has had time to meet all the other residents. Don't forget, there will be a time when father-in-law will need more care then you can give.
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My mama is in an assisted .and it was the hardest thing I have done. I was not ready to let her go. She still wants to go home and I deal with that every day. I know it is the best thing for her, because I took her home and I found out I was not able to look after her. She fell and broke her hip. the hospital told me not to take her but I had to try. So if you can get her doctor to talk to her she will understand that it is the best place. She will have the help she needs and her husband can go to see her .
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If it is financially and emotionally feasible to keep her in the home and hire outside nursing home care, then that is an option. I would have the situation assessed by in in home agency which you can speak to her doctor about it. For the incontinence issue when my father was unable to walk, he wore the depends and then when he could no longer transition to the bathroom, he wore a diaper. They have diapers that are dependent upon the need if your mother in law is a heavy wetter or a light. We also had a pad that we placed on his bed which also helped. If you find it is too expensive to have her at home, then consider assisted living and you would have to have her care assessed by the nurse there to see what is appropriate if she can get care in the home, assisted living or nursing home. Typically if she can feed her self assisted living is appropriate , but if she is not able to feed her self nursing home is more appropriate. May God give you wisdom with helping you to make the best decision.
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Regarding Christian beliefs it is a lot more positive then when my father had a roommate who loved horror movies all day and refused to turn it to a more positive station. It is important to select a roommate if you are in a nursing home that you can get along with and tolerate their tastes in entertainment. His roommate was a kind and gentle hearted soul so my father kept the room with him. Ask about the roommate ahead of time because most nursing homes are set up that way. Individual rooms are more expensive.
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With lots of love realizing you will never convince her, but can accomplish the safety and 24 hour care by staying steady in your action and Tough Love. Terie Novak, author of ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents" and 30 year experience in the elder field of care and housing. God Bless
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Medicare and Medicaid will pay for in home care services. You can have a care taker come out daily and spend all day with her when you don't have time. They also have visiting nurses and live in aid's. They will help her with using the toilet, taking baths, prepare meals for her, help her with eating, do the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and many other things. This will lighten the load on you as well and best of all she can stay at home. Ask your Dr. for more information.
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