Even before the dementia took hold, I was never "allowed" to see a movie without her or go on vacation with just my kids without her. Sure, she realized the importance of me spending time alone with my kids, but didn't understand why SHE couldn't be there too? She would tell me that she would never do that to her mother (her own mother died when my mom was only 15 months old. Clearly that made a huge impact on her parenting style with me).
She is now living with me. I spend FIFTY FOUR HOURS with her a week. When she is out with the caregiver, she constantly asks "where's Karen?" and the caregiver has found that a simple "she's out with friends" or the like, won't work. She has to say something my mother would approve of, such as "she's at the gym" (I"m overweight and mom has been trying to get me to lose weight forever!). I guess the thought is that if it's fun, mom should be there with me. I shouldn't be enjoying any time away from her. I should be including her. Well, guess what? I don't want to include her! 54 hours a week is MORE than plenty enough hours for me to spend with her!!
So here's the issue. I just can't do this anymore. I thought a good alternative to assisted living would be to hire caregivers to do as many hours as it would cost to do the assisted living. This would give me lots of free time.
I don't want to abandon my mother, but I thought that say, ten, twelve hours a week would be great on my end. When I discussed this with the caregiver (who found a new job and will be quitting us anyway), she said that might be good for me, but she doesn't think it will be good for my mom to spend less time with me.
I was just about handling the guilt, but now it's back again. Sadly, she's right though. If you were to ask mom, she would say that she doesn't see me enough even at 54 hours a week!
I'm just so burned out. Other than the paid caregiver, there's only me. No family other than us.
It doesn't surprise me that mom only wants me. I'm all she has ever wanted since my dad passed away in 2005. Her entire existence revolved around only him. Now it revolves around only me. Maybe he liked it but I HATE IT. I feel emotionally strangled to death. I feel her eyes bore into me when I come downstairs as if to say "oh thank God you're here, now I can breathe again."
I Love my mom. If I didn't I would just stick her in AL and never go see her again!
I want to do what's best, but is me seeing her less really best. It's best for ME, but it's not best for her. So, who matters more? Me or her?
I fear if I see her less it might accelerate the dementia as she will be more frantic not being with me as much.
Please help, I just feel so overwhelmed and burdened and guilty and resentful and unloving and wishing one of us would just die to get this over and done with.
You are ahead with the caregiver, so that is a good step. you need to do things with your kids and family without her. Good luck.
She HAS to know where everyone is, what everyone is doing, what they are going to be doing, what did your husband say before he left this morning, what is that thing outside on the grass, it's a constant line of questioning and she is very clever in the way she gets the info out of you......it never stops.
Everytime I go past her room she has something to say. In fact, she has something to say about everything!! Always putting in her two cent's and a lot of the time, making hurtful and inappropriate comments about every single thing.
If she doesn't get what she wants in the time frame that she wants she starts nagging. "It's four o'clock - you better order that food now or it won't get here til 6!" "What are we having? I don't know if I'll like that". Then it goes to my children and their children, unsolicited comments and advice that never, ever stops.
Is she trying to live her life through me? Because she didn't do a very good job of living her own!! That's for sure!!
Of course the golden sibling is never, ever nagged or questioned because they would just retreat and distance themselves so she wouldn't get to them and they know how to cut her off so these things don't happen....but then again they don't live with her.....
You're probably wondering why isn't she in a care facility: three words -- she won't pay!! and I sure as hell am not going to even if it would give a freer life!!
Like you cmor, my dad died very early so he was off the hook. I doubt if he would ever have survived old age with her anyway!
For what reason? She feeds off your energy. Hurry up and make some more!
Tough Love is a good exercise. You be in control of your life and how much of yourself that you give away to others. You wouldn't let anyone else do this to you.
It is survival. Don't be used by anyone. Find a nice place where she will make friends. Let her get settled in for a couple of weeks ( yes) then visit her.
You will soon get your life back. Then you will lose weight. Blessings, xo
A psychiatrist told me that one of the greatest fears of an elderly person is dying alone. They do know that the end of their life is near so I suppose that's some of it. It sure is suffocating.
I have to disagree with your caregiver that time away from you wouldn't be good for your Mom. Like the airplane crash analogy, we need to take care of ourselves first. It's hard to remember that.
I don't believe that you teach people how to treat you. Why would anybody choose to be treated as a doormat? These are users and manipulators. They will go to any extremes to get drs. and caregivers, and US, to get what they want, when they want, and their own way. They are devious and when they find a victim, they hook on like a bloodsucker!
Block and detach, set boundaries, is the only way to survive with them. If they HAVE to live with you, you have to remember, it is your home, your life; they can live in your world, but you don't need to live in theirs. Otherwise you will end up being their "whipping boy"!!
I gave serious thought to leaving my job and spending all day with my mother, and just getting a caregiver for when I wanted to go to a bb game or something like that. The only issue, of course, is that I can't fully protect her and I think she would drive me batshix after awhile. I love my mother dearly, but while I want what is best for her, I also have friends and relatives reminding me that I need to take care of myself since I am the only child and my father has been long gone.
You have a choice - to get your mother some part-time care, or to have her admitting to full-time care. I recommend starting with some part-time care, which will give YOU some relief and help your mother adjust to you being out of the house. Maybe start with an hour a couple days for the first week, then go to two hours, then a little more.
That being said, make sure to check out whoever you use for your caregiver. Don't get a volunteer - they can sue you if they are injured. You want someone who is bonded and insured, and whose skills have been checked out.
All the best to you.
Additionally, toddlers are innocent and must be trained. Adults choose their behavior and whether they are going to be loving and giving, or a royal manipulating pain. Amen.
It's different when the narcissism is a component of dementia.....but if they have been like this all their lives (as my mother has) it's a whole new ballgame. They do NOT own us -- a lthough they like to think they do. They are not in charge, they do not control everything especially when they are almost 90 yrs old!!
This thread, although its subject is a "clingon" parent, cross-references to bullying and narcissism.The only criteria for difference is whether or not this is part of the person's makeup and has been there all their lives (making others' a living hell and ruining their childhoods and them, for life) or whether it has had its onset in old age with dementia.
It is extremely difficult to feel sympathy for someone who has been abuse, in every way, for your whole life, and who you do not love, but have chosen out of the goodness of your heart to care for!!
I understand that dementia, per se, is not chosen. Whatever her mental condition or personality, it morphed into dementia. Did she have dementia in her 30s? Don't know. She was angry, impatient, selfish. She cannot hurt us in her advanced condition, but once in awhile she still shows her snide personality. I just say goodbye and leave, sometimes in disgust. But she can't help it, I know. xo :)
Sometimes my mother says out loud that she wishes she was dead. I'm ashamed to say that I've uttered under my breath a few times, "me too!"
Thanks again. I guess my sanity (or what is left of it) is something worth salvaging.
PS try music and singing the old songs, or christmas ones they remember, they love it! If she can see, get some I Love Lucy and Lawrence welk dvds also, they love those too. (My mom cannot watch tv but makes her feet go to music)
Let the sulking begin. Don't bother to try to make them happy. That's never gonna happen!
You deserve a life, you have more of yourself to share when you are fulfilled.
Be careful, break the pattern by regaining your independence. Bad family behaviors can be learned and repeated. Do it for yourself and your kids