I visit Mom every day at hospice. Usually in the morning so that I can help her with breakfast and makes sure that she eats all of it. I hold her hand, massage her feet, talk and touch her, and read the Bible to her. I always spend at least 3 hours with her. Sometimes up to 5 hours. But every time I must leave [like yesterday I had a doctors appt], she always gets so sad and hurt when I have to leave. She wants me there 24/7--like when I was taking care of her at home. I think she wants me to move into hospice with her. I am the youngest, was the primary caregiver for 2 years, and we are very loving and close to each other. I love my mother deeply, more than anybody else on the planet. It just kills me when I have to walk out of door and see her face so sad and hurt because I have to leave. Since she is far better healthwise at hospice, she is more lucid, out of pain, and even complaining, and she wants to come home. So she is voicing a very real emotion--not a delusion. And when sis and bro go see her in the afternoon she tells them that I never came because she forgot that I came--she has dementia and terminal cancer. But she has done extremely well at hospice. I couldnt handle the excruciating pain that she was getting while I was taking care of her at home even with the morphine.
How do I handle the intense guilt, pain, and hurt I feel when I must leave Mom alone? Because since she is better and out of pain, she is lonely there all by herself--which is totally understandable. She doesn't understand why I have to leave, and she won't understand even if I tried to explain. Any advice out there for me?
Do your brothers and sisters say she is very sad when they arrive? How about the nurses? I'll bet she rests once you leave. Its natural for them to want you by their side as long as possible. Maybe you can ask some of her friends to drop by one morning a week as well to help give her variety and not feel so alone.
I can't tell you not to feel guilty. I live far away and can't visit often with my mom; I know she is lonely and I feel guilty everytime we get off the phone.
My heart of heart knows that no matter how long, how much I visit or do for my Dad it will never be enough. When I kissed them both a see you later, Dad said "stay longer" well all he wanted to do was further quiz me about who was going to die first, when would he get better, when could he get his own home again so knowing the routine, I wasn't going to submitt myself to more of that. I always encourage Dad to talk to his Higher Power, don't look or ask me but I don't think he gets that. Mom on the other hand, claims she hasn't seen me in months, yet I was just there 2 days ago but she goes thru all the same emotions of fretfulness, don't leave us stranded, we're broke, etc. So after my constant redirecting, when I feel myself feeling like a bottomless vesel, I tell them I love them but I must go to work, take care of some business and I will see them later, hug kiss and exit. Repeat on the next visit.
I'm not nearly saying I don't think about them day and night, but for me, because I beleive in my Higher Power whom I beleive is the beginning and the end, the burden is not mine, it belongs to my Higher Power. The serenity Prayer and the 23rd Psalms give me the strength to courage to face another day.
Many don't like to talk about religion, and I'm not, I don't care what or who others beleive in, but I do beleive that if we only belive in ourselves, thats where stress, heart attack, strokes flouish.
My Mom is on Hopice care and that care comes with a Chaplain, maybe you should talk to your Moms Hopsice team, they are there for you too.
Thanks for writting this post, I really beleive we needed to make this connection.
Blessing to you and your Mom, I'm standing in the Gap for you. Blessings to you also graceterry.
If home hospice is not possible, please don't let guilt creep in. you are being a great daughter and I agree 100% with what others have said about your mother wouldn't want to think of herself as a burden.
Just wish my Mother had some of this faith for this part of her journey. She doesn't want me to read the Bible or pray with her. Makes silly remarks when I am doing my Bible study each morning. So sad.
God bless each and everyone of you!
Thank you for your loving encouragement. Yes, every one tells me that I am doing a wonderful job but to me, its just something that everyone would do for their parents. I do not even give it a second thought. Even sis asked me how in the world could I ever do this for so long when she spent a night and week here and it drove her insane. But definately, littletonway, it is only by God's strength and enabling that I am able to do this. So, I agree, it is NOT me who is doing this, it is Jesus Christ. Read the Bible to her anyway, read the Bible to her when she is sleeping, pray above her anyway, talk about Jesus to her anyway. Remember, God's Word does not come back void!! The Holy Spirit will reveal Christ to her and open and soften her heart--do not give up, do not lose encouragement. The Lord will bless your efforts far beyond what you could ask for or imagine.
May the Lord bless all of you, make His face shine upon you, bless all of you with His grace.
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