In September my mother who is 88 years old had a severe stroke . After a acute rehab stay I took her home for 3 months. It was the hardest and longest 3 months of my life. After a long hard decision I placed in a long term facility. She has adjusted very slowly and made some friends . She lovesall the CNA'S and nursing staff. Thank god !!! She has her good times along with her bad times. She gets very sad and angry when I have to leave after dinner. I visit her every day. I have not missed a day since she has been there. I was just wondering how other people deal with their parents anger and how it makes you feel so guilty for the decision that you have made.
It sounds like you made a very tough decision and made it well. Remind yourself of that before and after every visit. Remind yourself that her dementia is Not Your Fault (and not hers, of course) and the fact that she needs to be in a care center is Not Your Fault. Remind yourself that you gave it your best shot for three months.
I'm not sure that you can change the situation substantially but maybe you can lessen her opportunity to express her anger. What if you were with her right up until dinner and as soon as she was served you said "Enjoy your dinner, Mom. I have to leave now, I'll see you tomorrow." ? And then you stood up and left.
When my sisters and I visit Mom (dementia, 93) in the nursing home we try to leave her engaged in something. We leave when she goes to the beauty shop, or they come to take her for bingo, or they bring her to the dining room. We know she enjoys our visits but we want her to relate to the NH environment, too. She sometimes asks "Why?" when I say I am leaving, and I tell her what I am going to do next, "Just like you used to do when you had family at home." We are all very fortunate that she doesn't get mad.
When my stepdaughter visits her mother (dementia 87) in the NH her mother sometimes does get angry when she leaves. SD doesn't like this but she does an excellent job of resisting the guilt. She works in an assisted living facility and sees this everyday, and knows that it is not the visitor's fault.
It is not logical to feel guilty, but feeling seldom obey logic. Push that feeling way to the background and move forward with your life in spite of it. You are doing the right things. Remind yourself of that often.
What made me smile (a little cynically, I admit) was the bit about your needing to stay for meals because you worry that she might not eat properly. This is called "pulling a fast one." I'll bet she eats just fine when you're not watching… :)
Well done, I think you're doing brilliantly. Hope she continues to thrive.
Managing long-term care recipients who suffers from dementia is no easy task, but you have done yours perfectly. Just reassure her that you will visit her often, and avoid arguing with her. Infolongtermcare.org provides long-term care tips in managing people with dementia and one of it is to let them seek an independent lifestyle in the best possible manner, also, it would be of great help if you regularly communicate with her as this will encourage her to think and maintain her independence. So let her enjoy the environment in the NH as she can mingle and socialize with other residents there.
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