How do you cope with caregiver stress?

As of lately, things I am doing to counterreact stress are maintaining a daily journal, meditating when things are quite and feel sense of peace, trying to keep positive thinking at my brains forefront, because it seems to forget often so i just remind myself to think positive and it may be positive. We just had a new Hobby lobby go up near my area so i plan to go check it out soon. i love artwork, and scrapbooking so sure i will come out with couple bags of "distractions"!!Last and not least at all is prayer. Just keep praying, and he'll keep listening! Keep on keeping on, because really its all we can do! Lets keep this topic going. When people come to read over the comments it really helps to see ideas that you want to try to help allieviate stress. Much love & light friends:-)

or I come on here and vent it out which oddly enough really does work

tacy I go in the garage and scream


MORE NOW THAN EVER!!!

Tacy, my dad hates drinking water. I finally persuaded him to drink water by the plastic bottle. When I read your comment, I thought that maybe this can work for you. Several thermos filled with cold water. Fill it up and place it next to them. Easy to open the cover and pour. And if the sons are concerned, they are more than welcomed to come over and see to their parents' needs.

Tacy; It's time to walk away. Permanently. Sorry to sound like a broken record.

Oh Jessie if only
1) - she would be quite happy to live on her sweet stash FOR EVER!
2) - She needs professional care
3) it is time for me to walk away
4) While I suppose I am very important and worthy of respect, child abuse and years of denigration mean I haven't got to that point although I know it exists - just not in me
5) You're right there too JB

The trouble is that over the years I have been here and because I had never looked into it in advance - and I beat myself up daily for that, I was stupid enough to pay quite a high rent to Mum to cover food and board. Of course now I realise she should have been paying me but it is what it is. My equity from the sale of my house is now sitting in HER bank account and if I put her into a NH I would make myself homeless. Its just a horrible mess and it is ALL MY OWN FAULT and even my darling lawyer says there is no way I can get it back out! Deep joy

Jude, hun, you are too good for this. You might want to try some of my caregiving philosophies.
1) A cat will eat peanut butter if it gets hungry enough. Sounds a bit cruel, but I cook a nutritious dinner. If my mother doesn't want to eat it, fine, she can make something else for herself. My mother would have me jumping through hoops if she thought I would make her something different. And she would enjoy the circus.
2) People who cannot toilet themselves need professional care. This is because I am not going to do it. Sorry, but I can't think of anyone I like well enough to do that.
3) If someone is acting hateful, it is time for me to walk away. I'm a caregiver, not a verbal punching bag or a playmate to be bullied. I am totally grown up and no longer ruled by my parents.
4) I am very important and worthy of respect. If someone can't respect me, they don't deserve my attention. This is so important for caregivers. We can sacrifice our self esteem and respect if we get too involved in the caregiving role. We can feel much anger and resentment when we are being disrespected. We are not wrong to feel this anger. It is trying to tell us that we are being harmed and need to take care of ourselves. We deserve respect from ourselves and the person we are helping. If they can't respect us, they don't deserve us.
5) And it is not just the disease. I don't like when someone tells me it's the disease, because I know they are just trying to make themselves comfortable. We know what is the disease and what is the person. If we need to walk away and get out the peanut butter, then that's what we should do.

I like chocolate more than any medication, ever!
Yes, chocolate works for me.

Reverseroles, That is exactly how to deal with caregiver stress!
You have just reminded me of that!
Some of the healthiest coping on AC has been done just by writing it all out, and frequently. Then, someone with similar (or identical stressors) jumps in, and then there are two, sharing the burden makes it lighter. There are more than two, there is all of us!
Hoping your burdens are cut in half. Your comments about the stress melting away after tucking them in was so heartwarming.

...

Holycrapola I wrote a lot, sorry!

Reading posts brings me back down memory lane. My Mom was the same way with the sweets. Her taste buds faded off I guess, with her age or the alz. She was addicted to skittles when she first moved in with me 8 years ago. She wouldnt go to sleep or daycare without them and we had so many many laughs over it. (so did the daycare!) I wish I could post a picture because she woke up with them stuck all over her nightgown! When she rolled over at night they went klingkling all over the (Laminate) floor and my son downstairs in his basement bedroom would laugh. I got her one of those little 3 drawer plastic bureaus for next to her bed . It was stocked with what we all brought her, this was her pride and joy stash. To keep the peace, she ate when wanted and I agreed with everything she said, in fact, I emphasized on how smart she was, even if it was very stupid thinking, just to see her smile. We all know what their rage and anger looks like! When she had her sundowners "run around the house bouts", and pulled on the chained doors, I ran and hid. She was like an insana maniac, a totally different person and there was no reasoning with that, it just had to get out of her system itself! If she found me she would scream at me, then when she couldnt get outside she sat down with exhaustion, fell asleep and in 10 mins would say "hello honey" , yup didnt remember a thing. Even thou she cannot talk/walk anymore, and I puree her foods, her eyes light up when I feed her lemon cake pureed with vanilla yogurt, or a small ice cream. Too much sweet now makes her choke so its a fine line on what she can have. When I see the twinkle in her eye with something pureed somewhat sweet, I know my Mom is still in there.
ON another note, yesterday she tried to lay down after I lifted her onto the toilet yesterday to poop. Head on windowsill, legs out straight and poopin. Here I am trying to hold her up and clean her, push her legs back in, lift her head. etc. Both my husband and I had a good cry together once she was hoyered safely into her recliner again, first time together crying, it can be so brutal, this stress is horrible sometimes. Why do I get her up when she cannot walk? because she is so hard to roll, like a bag of sand and to clean up a poop in bed is so difficult! Then....after all the stress and she is in her cutie little furry pjs and tucked into bed I cant stop kissing her and the stress melts away again, until the next time. How do we deal, I have no idea.
XO to all.
RR

Well I have slept, 2 hours, I feel a little less stressed than before so sorry about that peeps....I just find this constant show timing the very worst and most frustrating. I have now been through her boxes (she keeps them by her side and they are private (or at least I thought they were)so I had never been in them out of respect. There are just rammed full of sweets. What I don't know is where she gets them from. The only places it can be is when she goes to church. Note to self for today. Ring the church folk and tell them NOT to buy her sweets. This is going to be hell on earth I think but Im not having this. She keeps saying she wants to just have drinks. Not so sure though when I said thats fine ut you won't be having cake, biscuits and cheese, sweets or chocolate......not so much a question of can't eat but doesn't want to eat good for you stuff. Talk about going back into childhood!

Caregivers all, aren't we all just a little smarter than our loved ones with serious cognitive disorders? Maybe not as devious, manipulative, narcissistic, or helpless, helpless, helpless, but smart when we take a step back? Has anyone any ideas to put into practice so that the patient is not running the show?

I know I could use some ideas.

And of course send when they arrive she will be all woe is me ad meek and mild - I feel like I am lying all the time - let me just go to the garage and scream

While she is sleeping...sneak some treats for yourself-just do it, enjoy, then get back on some healthier eating. Don't beat yourself up about it. If you are going to slip up, be sure it is on purpose.
Sending some dignity your way....here ya go!

There is never any doubt that you will be okay! Just wishing more for you, you deserve better!

First, just let me say, I don't think the Queen of England would be this difficult to serve meals to.
Jude, you have every right to stand up to her (not the queen of England, but your Mum) and inform her that if she's eating sweets on her own, she won't be needing you to cook for her. I mean, you have raised children, through toddlerhood! You say, wasn't this hard? Let her sit with that as you walk away.
If she screams, gets herself worked up-perfect timing-call 911-or dial the emergency number in the UK-tell them your patient has gone off the deep end-and that you are outside until they get there, then you leave. Can you try that?

I will be OK Send. I have put her to bed but I know how bad it is getting because my eating is totally out of control. Don't know why I do it for now she can add fat to all the other insults. its like lets pile sh*t on myself for her!
I know that sounds insane but this weekend has been bad. And no respite in sight - I need to get into the new flat

Good venting, Jude. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope. And I hear you, really I do. Maybe some great people on here who have been through what you are going through-and lived to tell about it-will also come and support you-this is a really difficult, (maybe impossible) situation.
Your dignity has been shattered, stomped upon, and stolen from you, bit by bit, and also in huge waves of stress. Let's see if together, and everyone here, we can get some of that back for you. There is a huge difference between how we see you , and love you , then, there is the horrendous way you are being treated. That just makes me angry, so angry. There is gonna be an answer that works for you. Wait for it.....
Love from Send

rest of the stew^^^^^

Am very much of being at the point that says no more. Today just exaggerated what has been a really stressful weekend for me. Not because mum is near the end of life ...she isn't. More to do with me wanting to be at my end end of life so I don't have to tolerate this from her any more.

Started yesterday when I finally made 5 meals of which she ate 2 and I threw the rest away. You choose what I eat she says, then when I do she doesn't want it. SO home made stew - doesn't like it because it didn't have dumplings and I didn't have the ingredients in house and she was 'too ill' for me to go out (Then I see she has a stash of sweets that she got on the way home from church in a box by her chair and that she has been eating them. She spat it back out on to the plate - so stew thrown away. What would you like (now between gritted teeth) Quiche - so I did quiche she ate half of what I gave her - didn't like that quiche it had too much onion in it OKAAAAAY would you like something else. Macaroni cheese but just a tablespoonful. I made the stew into soup and made her macaroni cheese and she ate a minuscule amount, probably no more than 2 teaspoons
Then wanted cheese and biscuits which she devoured.

So today I was looking forward to

We were to visit son and grandson today. Now she had a good night she slept solidly for 5 hours but according to her she had been up and down all night and I know fact she hadn't been because I emptied the commode when she went to sleep at half mast midnight and by half past five this morning there was nothing in there. She woke up finally at 8 and there it was....the face that said its going to be a grim day. She said I couldn't go anywhere as she felt rough. In what way? In myself How in yourself? (mentally thinking that would be your selfish self then). So I rang son to apologise but I had to miss his birthday unless he could come down. Which to be fair they did,

Meanwhile she sits and eats sweet flavoured yogurt/ malted milk /toast and marmalade (poorly? attention seeking more like)

BUT he got here and took grandson out for a walk - which I couldn't go on. So that was my fault too. I can feel myself absolutely bubbling with anger and frustration. So then it was I want to go to the toilet...then will you wipe me (which she can do for herself). Then she wanted me to cream her (which I had already done) then it was I want the foot spa you never do my feet (did them last night) then are you ever going to tidy this place (it has packing boxes for goodness sake - so I move them out of her room and now they are ALL in mine)

Then she wanted her ornaments back and when I refused to open sealed packing cases that was wrong too.

She refused every option for lunch so I ended up cooking one thing for my daughter and I (we try not to eat fatty food too much) son and grandson wanted pizza - so Mum did too - then said she didn't like it - then wanted a sandwich did her that .....it was the wrong sandwich. What about home made soup - not that crap you make (which would be the same soup she drank two bowls of last week)

Every time she changed her mind she looked at my son and smiled. he came out eventually and said she is just trying to wind you up.

Well she has succeeded. I don't want this any more. I am at the point where I can't be in the same room as her without wanting to be out of it. Wasn't it enough she let me abused and did nothing as a child. Wasn't it enough that she didn't speak or support my decision to divorce my alcoholic husband. Isn't enough that I gave up work on two separate occasions to care for her? No it wasn't - apparently I am lazy I don't care and I am worthless - don't ever listen through keyholes!

I thought if she would go into respite for a week but she is refusing that too.
I am done. I am also about to make myself homeless....and you know what? I would rather sleep on the streets in the wet and cold than live with her any more.

Dealing with caregiver stress is never easy, but crucial not to get to burnout stage....and I know how stressful it can be. Mom fell week ago, and injured her leg, and to say its just been stressful is a huge understatement. A few days there I didn't even know my name. My feet were run the hell off. Thought she was going to have to go to re-hab, but she doing better, but still home bound. I hope things get back to the old normal, but with moms age and declining health I try to be realistic, and know it will get more trying possibly for better. SO afraid she will fall again, and this made 3 times in a year. Worries me to death. I am still finding time to shop, and do things to make me happy. I have a family too so just to find a fair balance. All the feedback is great. So please comment and vent what's stressing you out the most and better yet what's your sanity??

I would feel a brief time of relief half an hour after the caregiver showed up at my mother's house, and I didn't get a call to drop everything and drive over there because of some dire problem. For the time the caregiver was there, I felt at ease. When I got mom into a nursing home I was finally able to see the sun come up again, to feel I had a few more years of life to enjoy, and I have made the most of that....when mom was still in her house, to make myself less stressed, I would try to follow a routine in my own home and not just sit and marinate in 'what-ifs'. Having a little control over that part of my life was helpful, didn't let things go. Went to bed and slept as best I could, knocked off the booze, and tried to keep busy.

Speaking of netflix. I love it. We also borrow dvds from our local library. Our local library has a wide selection of dvds. Suggestion: borrow travel dvds, perhaps of tropical regions with palm trees, beaches and the works and have your loved ones watch it. It will help relax them and lift their spirits. Also, take them outdoors into the sunshine and have them get fresh air. It works wonders on their wellbeing.

Stress? What if your fairy godmother is the wisest, smartest version of yourself-whispering from the future:
' Stop treating yourself as an afterthought. Eat delicious food, walk in the sunshine, jump in the ocean.
Say the truth you are carrying in your heart like a hidden treasure.
Be silly, be kind, be weird.
There is no time for anything else.
Quote from Fairies, Myths and Magic.

My counsellor suggested that I pay attention to all that I do for my mother and others instead of feeling guilty and bad when I feel I could have done things better. I often forget to do it, but when I do pay attention to all the little things I do for her, it helps me. I live in her house with her, and she has lots of "catastrophic reactions". For the first year, I thought she was mad at me half the time. Now I understand that these little tantrums ( or big screaming ones) come from her damaged brain, and don't mean she's angry with me. She is often withdrawn, not talking much nor wanting to do things. I spend so much time and energy trying to arrange for her to make scrambled eggs or French toast or hang clothes on the line, but then I get discouraged when she yells and hits at me.

What a great idea. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I was nearing the end last week....really blew up on Sunday night when 'MIL' got up and started hacking snot and spitting at 12:30 am. I just had it. But, this brought about a great result. My husband and I are more committed than ever to making sure WE are strong and on the same page. I made a reservation for tonight at motel nearby and another at an inn near my dads on Friday night. Next week we already have one night booked. What I did was, I took control of my life. I figured out that 139 or 168 hours each week I was committed to mom. The other hours I was shopping or hiding in another room to avoid mom while another caregiver was here. This wasn't sustainable. Pow wowed with niece, hubby and sis in law. The sister gets it now. She was only doing 16 hours a week and she gets it now. Numbers help...so do colors...I made a chart event. It was all red....almost all red. MY COLOR. So, now the sister is sleeping over two nights a week and the niece will continue to provide us a respite all day Saturday. When I had the other schedule, I still woke mom up and made her breakfast and made sure she was dressed etc...before the sister came. Now on the nights she stays...we are gone and she will do that in the morning and free me up. I feel such relief. We also agreed that the end game plan is to rent an apartment with two bedrooms...mom will live there and we will all rotate nights. This seems to be a lot more equitable and I am so so happy about that. I was bitter and angry that I had to give up school and stay home with my MIL full time when nobody else in the family helped much. Now I feel MUCH better.

Thank you for all of these wonderful ideas..my 90 year old Mom has been with us 11 months now- I am fairly new at this so need encouragement sometimes! I think I made it to easy on Mom at first- word to the wise- do not wait on them hand and foot. She loved it and I was getting worn out. We had a talk this week and thank goodness I was able to share with her that she can get up and get her hot drink if she needs one....she has had to go back to therapy for not exercising more. The hard part for me is being the parent to my Mom- feels strange but now I realize that I simply HAVE to. I love all of the ideas of how you all cope!!! God bless you all today as you caregive!!! Do what ya gotta do!!! They did it for us!

I was awakening with depression every morning. I moved to another bedroom so I don't hear my husband (dementia) moaning ,talking, or trashing in his sleep. I put a radio in my room and turn on classical music the second I'm awake. I hired caregivers. (Even one day a week is helpful). I made plans to be with friends one day a week, when caregiver is here. I ordered Netflix to watch at night. I bought a dry eraser board and prioritize things I must do the next day. I take a daily nap and tell friends not to call during that hour. I buy frozen dinners (Stouffer's and other companies make meals for two). They get popped into the microwave or a frying pan and are done quickly. No more gormet meals! I invite friends over for ice cream dessert after dinner. (I need contact with loving and caring friends). All of these have helped the depression. The best thing was that I told God I needed Him to take over and show me how to proceed. I was blessed and you will be too.
Corinne
Give a hug

I had no relief as a full time care-giver for 3 years of caring for my Mom, except for when I went to the Dentist-Wow! My time alone came late at nite-if Mom went to sleep and stayed asleep. I would stay up till 1 or 2 o'clock and watch shows Mom did not like or could not watch(she thought crime shows were real)All that did was make me more tired in the morning and stress me out. Care givers Must give themselves a BREAK.. It is no good for yourself and no good for the person you are taking care of. Eventually, you will break down and then who will take care of your loved one?