I am so sick and tired of how covid has been used as an 'excuse' not to visit the elderly. My siblings have NO problems going to work - see there is a paycheck involved then. covid is not a good excuse to stay home, but it sure is when it can be used as an excuse not to visit my elderly father in hospital. I feel horrible for Dad who has been in a nursing home and in and out of hospital for almost a year and 2 of his kids cant be bothered to go visit him. Not once. Now I can see why abused kids dont see their elderly parents - kind of karma - but Dad is a good Dad. It breaks my heart when I see the hurt in his eyes as one excuse after anther comes in. I NEED TO learn that us 5 siblings share nothing more than DNA. How can two of them be this different?
I think what OP is saying, is that her siblings also don’t do virtual meetings (phone, facetime, etc.).
But, COVID is still with us and will be for a long time. I have been COVID free until my vacation. We had to test before our land cruise and then again to get on the ship. We were to mask on ship. With all that precaution 7 out of 14 of our group got the new strain we being 2 of them and we were only together at meals. One family chose to eat alone. You can test negative one day and positive the next. It can take up to 5 days to show symptoms and in that time ur contagious. My daughter was in the car with us not even an hour and she tested positive Friday. She tested negative the day before and had a symptom, sore throat. We tested positive Monday. The newer strains tend to be more contagious.
Your siblings...my Mom was one of the best. Our friends congregated at our house. My 2 brothers did not go out of their way for Mom. It upset my Dad but he never said anything to them. My DH and his brothers called his Mom weekly.
You could call your siblings and tell them Dad very much wants to see them. Then let it go.
But my sister has always been like this, long before covid was even a thing, so I had no surprise whatsoever that she used it as a convenient excuse. Deep down, she's nothing but a coward who couldn't face our mother's death. So she left it for as long as she could, knowing mom had me and our other sister. And yeah, like you, I was angry and bitter through the year and a half that mom grew sicker and sicker.
But you know what? I'm free of her now. I don't have to worry about excluding her anymore because my biggest concern - that she would complain to my mom and put her in the middle of warring children, which I so didn't want to do, especially once my mom got so sick - was gone once my mom drew her last breath.
My other sister and I, along with our spouses, are going on a 3 week cruise leaving the end of the month. I don't have to feel bad anymore about not inviting absentee sis, I don't have to worry about her finding out somehow and then bringing it to my mom's door, so to speak... I won't purposely tell her (like, ha ha we're going and you're not) but I don't have to be on eggshells worrying someone will let something "slip" when she's around. My attitude is now one of: you can't be a member of the family during the "fun" times - holidays, vacations, etc. - without pulling your weight during the "dark" times. Frankly, it's freeing.
I'm sorry for the pain that dad - and then you, on witnessing it - are going through. It really is amazing that siblings sharing the same upbringing can be so incredibly different. I hope you and dad can find some peace while dealing with this.
Mask up or no (your choice) in public, on transit. And life goes on. So far, this many years in my partner and I have not got it. We are careful but it isn't limiting our lives anymore. I will be off on a month long trip this month by airline, knowing I will likely be sitting next to someone "with it" and in a N95 mask. However, in Michigan a "family reunion" of my daughter's in-laws saw ALL infected save ONE (the one in her 90s who doesn't believe in masks), even the 18 month old baby.
It's just "here" and as they say, will be with us, like the common cold forever in all likelihood, (but more likely to kill us in some circumstances.
I don't see people using it too much as an excuse, because to give up "living" for something that we cannot avoid, doesn't make sense. Everyone knows to mask up or not at their own choice/peril.
I just think when you hear someone make an excuse just recognize it is their polite (or corwardly, dependent on how you look at it) way of saying they would as soon not do something.
If we are not now going to visit because of fear of Covid I would say we might as well recognize we will never again visit. Which of course, for some, is an option.
We are only --what--about three years in on Covid as a disorder-disease. It is new to us. We are used to "cancer" or "copd" or "heart disease" taking some of us out. But not used to this one. Given the political climate it gets "used". We will adapt. Never fear. Just allow everyone to make their own choices, and you make yours.
If OP’s siblings show genuine love, concern, care to Dad in other ways (not visiting, but in other ways), I don’t think OP would be angry. And Dad wouldn’t be hurt.
I think the fact is, OP’s bad siblings basically do nothing. Show no love, care.
My heart goes out to you OP.
exactly. some siblings really do nothing. nothing.
"Keep staying positive and shut out the negativity."
good advice.
and OP, often it helps to hear empathy/compassion from others. nice words from people on the forum can help, too.
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one more comment:
i see venting quoted gershun.
i re-quote it, because i find that paragraph super useful. dear gershun, i've lasered your paragraph into my brain:
“One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that.
Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.”
We do live in the age of technology you know. Your siblings could "visit" with their father via live video chat. All you need for that is a cellphone.
So instead of chastizing or trying to lay a guilt trip for them because they aren't willing to enter a hospital or NH because of Covid, set up "visiting" times where you will be at the hospital or NH with your father and can help him video chat with his other kids and even grandkids.
People still do have to go to work even in Covid times beause yes, there's a paycheck involved. If there isn't a paycheck then a home can't be paid for. If there's no home, then the family is homeless.
Many jobs don't have unlimited sick time that a person can take and Covid can make a person sick for a long time. I was flat on my back sick for almost two months. I'm lucky that I didn't have to pay rent or utilities or groceries.
I will not take an unnecessary risk and visit in a hospital or NH and I'm vaccinated.
Set up video chat visits with your siblings and help your father with it.
As with all things that regards human beings: where there’s a will, there’s a way.
If someone WANTS to solve an important problem, they’ll find a way to solve it.
All of us go through difficult moments in life where we need support, whether it's a nice phone call, visit, flowers, cards, whatever. There are a million concrete ways to show one cares.
And there are 2 million excuses.
I'm one of those people.
You would never know it if you met me at a convention or a Girl Scout cookie booth. You would get a clue if you invited me to dinner amongst people I didn't know, however, you wouldn't know how much effort it took for me to show up.
Some people have managed to make use of the "gift of gab". I wish that gift came with more detailed instructions.
I don't use the COVID excuse. However, when people use the COVID excuse on me, I just look at it as another way of saying "NO". If COVID really was not an excuse, they would propose another date and time or would say a tentative yes when I propose a different date and time.
My sister and brother have the "gift of gab." If I should have to go see someone, they offer to accompany me. It helps a lot because they can start the conversation and then I can start contributing. After that initial break through, I'm usually okay although it can get dicey for me.
If you really want your 2 siblings to visit your Dad, offer to take them and accompany them. Help them with the conversation. If they say no, then respect their wishes and don't expect them to visit. Don't remind your Dad that they don't want to visit. That is just plain mean to your Dad.
I’m sure OP is absolutely not a mean person. I bet OP is a very kind, caring, considerate person.
The father doesn’t need to be reminded of anything. It’s incredibly obvious to the father that his 2 children aren’t visiting.
“I'm one of those people.
You would never know it if you met me at a convention or a Girl Scout cookie booth.”
If OP’s siblings have problems seeing someone sick, don’t you think OP would have thought of that? Don’t you think OP would have written something like “I’m not angry with my siblings. They can’t deal with seeing someone sick. I feel no resentment towards my siblings.”
OP is angry.
Don’t you think OP has a good reason to be angry? I think so.
Also - there are a million ways to show you care, when someone is sick. You don’t have to be there face to face. There are so many ways to express love, concern, warmth.
And there are 2 million excuses for doing nothing.
It's either prolong the agony and keep her from getting Covid, as well as continue to wait for Covid to officially become endemic before launching PT. And that wait could last until 2024 according to researchers at Yale. OR go ahead and see if at least in-home PT can be done and roll the dice and hope she doesn't get Covid and die of it.
I'd out that probability so low may as well be zero.
Where I live PTs are professionals, wear face masks & do regular RATs. I would not be concerned about PT home visits.
I am more wary going to the supermarket or having coffee with friends.
That said, Facetime is a thing, and you should set it up for Dad and them. Stop with the drama of trying to make others be you, and try for family harmony instead.
So yes we feel like we shouldn’t see our parents until getting a couple negative tests.
Obviously OP isn’t talking about that: otherwise OP would have said, “There are a few occasions where, responsibly and lovingly, in order to avoid infecting Dad, my dearest, sweetest siblings didn’t visit. My siblings are so sweet and so responsible. They’re great and fantastic! And they show their love and concern for Dad in so many other ways. Oh how I adore my sweetest siblings.”
“One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that.
Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.”
You can't change others. I would just try to deflect off of the situation, and enjoy your visits with your Dad. It is only adding to frustration to think about/worry about the actions of others. Hope your Dad is getting better day by day.
You CAN change your reaction to what they are doing/not doing.
If dad asks why they don't visit your reply should be "I have no idea, maybe you should give them a call and ask"
(This is if he can make a call, if he is cognizant to do so)
Don't make excuses for anyone, for their lack of visiting.
Visit as you have.
Enjoy the visits you have and try to make the best of it.