How to create boundaries with my increasingly demanding grandmother?
I'm new to this site and am feeling overwhelmed. I've always been very close to my grandmother who, until now, has been a funny, generous and gentle person. My mother (her daughter) passed away 15years ago. My grandmothers husband passed away 6months ago and things have gotten very stressful. My grandmother calls me daily with fire drills (I'm out of toilet paper! I need yogurt to take my medication!) etc. Sometimes she is sad and crying, other times she is angry and yelling. They are remodeling her senior living and she blames me for the chaos and noise because I helped find the place. I am there on average 4x a week. I shop for her, do her laundry, make her bed, take her to dr., etc. But I also have two very small children and it is becoming increasingly stressful to juggle it all. She is isolating herself from the people in her building, our very small family (I have two brothers and an uncle), her remaining friends because they aren't responsive enough when she calls so she calls me more and more. She refuses to use the building shuttle because she feels too unstable. When I mention setting up a schedule (I.e. I'll come every Monday) she gets really angry. When I suggest we ask others for help, she gets angry. She complains and is negative constantly and it is sucking the life out of me. She has considered moving closer to my uncle (20-30 mins away), but he works full time and has health problems so I know she won't get as much support as she wants there either (is it even possible to give them what they want?) Although I think it is a better place, and my uncle will be closer I know I'll still be her main emotional support person because she feels most comfortable with me. Whether she moves or not I need to create better boundaries, has anyone found a system that works? How do you handle the rollercoaster of negative emotions? I love this lady dearly and I want to do what's best. Thank you!
I know you don't want to say no to her. It sounds so blunt. You can make sure she has plenty of yogurt on her shopping trip, since that seems to be one of the things important to her in taking her medications. The less critical things you can have a reason ready that you can't go, then tell her you can do it at a later scheduled time.
We can set boundaries without being blunt. We don't say no. We just say that we'll do it when we come next Whatever-day. Maybe you can figure out a way to get her to interact more with her neighbors. If she gets in with someone who uses the transport, she may be more eager to try it. Peer pressure and enjoyment is still strong in older people.
It might sound like a great idea for your grandma to move closer to your uncle and your grandma may be on board with it but once she moves, at some point, she will become unhappy again with a whole new list of complaints because she just sounds unhappy period and no amount of schedule shuffling or yogurt will make her happy. She's grieving the loss of her husband, she's living in a new place and everything's different.
Boundaries are always a good idea but be prepared for your grandma to fight you on them. You're the one who is helping her. You go out of your way. If it's more convenient for you to go and see her on Monday than on Wednesday then go on Monday. You have kids and a household to run and while I know you want to help your grandma too you need some peace in your life without people yanking on you from all directions.
So come up with a schedule, make a copy for your grandma, and don't give in. If you give in just one time your grandma will know that you're not serious and that you can be manipulated. And once you set the schedule beware of "emergencies" to get your attention.
So you can't please her, no matter what you do. So you might as well please yourself. Implement the schedule you've worked out; if she's going to get angry anyway - which she is, because her hurt and anger are nothing to do with anything anyone can change - you might just as well let her, without letting it affect how much time or care you devote to her.
Which is all rather a long way of saying "don't take it personally." It isn't personal. It is still depressing, I know... Just try to stay sympathetic to her various sadnesses, while keeping a clear mental boundary between her feelings and your own. It must be hard for her to be positive and upbeat if she feels as if life is turning to mould.
Do talk things through with your uncle, and the rest of your family, too; and come back here to vent, which really can help. Best of luck to you.
Since you already have your own family's obligations, I'd explore Assisted Living where the STAFF can do most of these things for her. She may need to establish a support system that can help with her daily care inside the facility. Then, you can just enjoy spending time with visits with her on your schedule, instead or working so hard.
This is your life and the lives of your family. I'd take a deep breath and arrange to have her assessed to see exactly what she needs. If she truly doesn't need help with those things, she can do them herself and if she can't do it, she can move somewhere where she can get that help.
If she is overstepping her boundaries, demanding and expecting too much and robbing you from time with your own family, THEN SHE IS EITHER NOT THINKING CLEARLY or she is being insensitive. Either way, it's incumbent upon you to set it right.