Creative living with elderly parent ideas?

Don't marry a needy guy.

What happened to the money your mom got for her house?

Why doesn't she qualify for Medicaid?

What low income senior housing options exist near you?

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for her depression?

LTC Medicaid in a facility will require an applicant to be “at need” both financially, which tends 2 means she is impoverished with her mo income is under $2200 a mo and her nonexempt assets are at or under 2K for most states AND medically, which means she needs skilled nursing care.

Which “at need” is keeping her from being eligible for LTC Medicaid?

So if she just sold her home last year the amount it sold for is in the states database, so that $ less any mortgage, will have to be used as a legit spend down till she’s impoverished. Why isn’t house sale $ being used to private pay for AL or NH or MC?

or is the ineligibility about issues she did with house sale $? Did she gift any house sale $? Not sold at FMV?

Now if it’s a medical “at need” eligibility issue, she either is going to have to get a very very through medical work up done to see if she legitimately can be viewed with documentation as to “at need” for skilled care if your state does not have a waiver program to have Medicaid $ be used for AL.

All states have some sort of low income housing for seniors, have you looked into those even if not nearby?

Also wondering where the proceeds from her house sale went... What does she get in SS every month? Any other income? This is important info if you want realistic suggestions.

Yours and your Mom's money should not be in a joint account, Exhausted. Your Mom's money is her own money for her own care. She should enter care and spend that money down to the amount allowed by law; then she will have medicaid to attend to all her medical needs. Your own money is your own and should be in your own name.
If you need to help Mom with paying her expenses out of her money then you can be her POA and write out checks in her name/with her name, followed by your own name as POA.
I would see an Elder Law attorney to do the POA papers, and to more adequately understand how yours and Mom's funds should be in your own names; things get messy in melded accounts.
Wishing you good luck.

As others have said, mom must have $ in account in her name. Now you can be a signatory & she has it as a POD aka pay on death to you, but should NOT be used as a joint account used to pay for things viewed as a commingling of assets. If you can you also have account at this bank as it will make it all smoother to do things…. They know you, you know them yada yada. I’d try to get this set up asap as you are about to get remarried! Is that right? Really try to do this & have mom meet with an elder law atty now before your legal status changes.

Mom having her own banking becomes mucho importante should she need to ever file for Medicaid either for LTC Medicaid (residential in a facility) or community based Medicaid (like PACE or living w you) but also for SSA aka social security administration as commingled accounts once discovered will likely have SSA require mom to make account under representative payee status. Means paperwork that you will have to do as you become her rep payee. Really you don’t want to go there if you can help it.

NH by that I meant Nursing Home, not new home…. That just didn’t occur 2 me. I’m still laughing. But I digress, ok so mom sold home above FMV but had mortgage (horrors that 80 yr old had mortgage) so proceeds from the sale were not enough to have mom set to private pay for care for possibly decade + as moms only 80. I’m guessing that if 80 yr old mom is ok for AL aka assisted living that she is no where near being eligible to show “at need” for skilled care in a NH? By & large Medicaid only pays for long term residential care in a NH so if moms good for AL & not a NH there is no LTC placement that Medicaid can pay for. Now some states do waivers to have some dedicated LTC Medicaid funding shifted or “waived” to go to other Medicaid programs like for paying for AL or MC (Memory care). If your state does this, mom can apply to be on a Medicaid waiver at an AL. BUT be aware that most states do not do this, AL is totally private pay. If they do there will be a long waiting list & list will have residents currently living at the AL that are private paying for 1,2,3 yrs ahead of mom on that Medicaid waiver waiting list.

Imo choices r stark:
- mom continues to live w you & then w new hubs in condo BUT mom meets w elder law atty to do personal caregiver contract to essentially pay you (not future hubs) a set amt ea mo as either rent or to caregive a set # of hours. A good atty will know which seems to make sense for the situation…. But do realize will be IRS filing required whatever path is taken. You & mom have to keep all this very documented & legit cause eventually mom will need a higher level of care & eligible for LTC Medicaid and Medicaid requires a 5 yr look back on her financials. You set aside $ mom pays you - if you can - to be $ that you can use to help her private pay if need be; I’d keep it totally separate account, not accessible to new hubs… maybe have a daughter as signatory with clear understanding to be used for grandma.
- mom goes into senior housing that is income & need based. Her SS$ will go to this and she probably will become a “dual”. That is she stays on Medicare but also goes onto a community based Medicaid program that covers what Medicare does not. M&M = dual. Tends to be a handful of health insurance companies that do “duals”. Molina Healthcare is the big player & they run on a MCO aka Managed care Organization system
- you get mom into a day program. If your state does PACE, that is a Medicaid paid program at a community center that they go to 2-4 days a week with transportation provided and then all their health care done via PACE
- mom goes into board & care home. Way less than NH & somewhat less than AL. Mom uses SS$ & house $ proceeds to pay
AND
you regularly have her see a gerontologist so she is building a solid health history to eventually show “at need” for skilled nursing care & she can go into NH and apply for LTC Medicaid to cover it.
good luck!

Give her a delicious cup of St. Johns Wort Tea every morning? She would be easier to live with if she could be happier.

What happened to the money when she sold her house? You mean she's ripped through that in less than 12 months?

Sorry, I only just saw your earlier answer to the same question as mine.

Unmingle your funds, for a start. Her money should be in her account. If you're concerned about being able to pay bills for her in the future, ask her to create a springing DPOA.

Where does she want to live? Did she move in with you to give her time to decide, or did she look on your house as her forever home?

My parents don’t have Medicaid. We found a place in NY state that will accept them for what assets they have then when the money runs out, they’ll switch them to Medicaid. She will give them all assets and money she has but you need to find a place that will keep her after the money is gone and she qualifies for Medicaid. What state do you live in?

For starters, turn off the news! No wonder she has a negative attitude. Is she mobile? Exercise is one of the best aids for depression, even if it's only a walk around the block. Does your town have a senior center where she can go play cards, etc. Is she able to do any volunteer work? She needs to focus on something besides herself. I truly sympathize with your situation. Any relatives who can help?

Who is the "he" who "is just as needy as she is?" Lack of privacy and space is an inconvenient fact when you move a parent in. Her SocSec should be going to her housong somewhere other than your house. If her expenses are greater than her Soc Sec will cover, it would be worth a contribution from you, perhaps toward food and transpprtation, to pay for your saniry. You must have some income if you are working as much as you describe and you are probably paying for food and transportation for her now.

I feel your pain. My mom -85 lives in an independent apartment on a senior community campus. Its safe and secure with guards & maintenance staff.
She needs some assistance and has part time caregivers most of the week with my sister and I taking a day each week.

All supplies, food, meds are delivered. I set up her pill boxes. Sister pays her bills. Mom lives off SS, a pension from my dad, now deceased, & aid/attendance from VA.
Mom has a visiting physician that comes to her apartment.

With Covid she has no desire to go out and is wheelchair bound by her choice. She can use a walker & is able to transfer herself. After many cycles of PT she still prefers the wheelchair.

This arrangement has worked well for us so far.

If you are no longer able to care for her in your home you don't have many options. And she may require more care as she gets older. You need to have a Plan B. Get connected with a local social worker, eldercare nonprofit or organization that can advise on assisted living facilities that can advise you on the options in your state. Some facilities accept Medicare. Look for a facility close to you so that you can visit often and still take her to doctor appointments, shopping, etc. See if you can find a few options that you think your mother might like. Then you need to have a discussion with her about moving to an assisted living facility where she can meet other people her own age, have social activities, and get the level of care she needs. Take her to look at the facilities you think she would like. It will be better if she is involved in the decision to move. All the best to you and your mother and your family.

I arranged for respite care for my father since he had dementia and could not be left alone. I got in touch with the state dept that handles seniors with disabilities and even though he didn’t qualify for Medicaid he did qualify for several hours of respite care through this agency. We paid for respite care for another day of the week out of pocket. The respite care worker did some housekeeping while she was here such as changing his sheets (which had to be changed every day since he would always spill his urinal) and did other things that helped me. I’d used the time to go shopping or out for a meal. It helped a lot. I don’t know if this would be enough to keep you from feeling like you are going crazy but they also paid for me to get counseling with a counselor of my choice and they paid for a certain amount of helpful equipment each year. I got a camera so I could keep an eye on my dad while I was outside doing yard work etc. Anyway my advice is to look for some help wherever you can find it. I’d ignore her bad moods. This is very common in older people and you need to let it roll off you and don’t take it to heart. Boyfriend might not be the best choice if he is also so needy. Perhaps he could see his way to doing a few things to lighten your mood instead of adding to your stress. Anyway, good luck and try hard to find help to ease the burden.

She’s a healthy 80 who could live another 15 years? And you “do everything for everyone” including mom, whose contribution is to gripe? You endorse your role as the grunt and her role as the queen bee every day.

What happens when you’re married? More doing for hubby?Hubby has no assets and moves in your condo? Hubby wants a bride and her MIL?

Stop. Delegate. Maximize efficiency.

Talk to an elder lawyer. My understanding is that once mom legitimately has no assets, she gets Medicaid assistance— but her money can’t just be given to relatives.

An elder lawyer might suggest mom pays her share of expenses to burn through her assets (while you build yours). Have her pay bills directly to the company - not to you - for clear documentation. Get her a credit card in her name only to buy groceries, pay bills, etc. Every $10 she spends is $10 you put into your savings account. Once poor, she gets Medicaid and assistance. You have savings to help with what isn’t covered.

Btw, someone suggested St Johns Wort tea. Pot’s a legal option in my state. Just saying ….

You sound like a servant .Can you get someone to walk the dogs ? A dog walker ? Get a house cleaner . See if you can find a senior center where they have a day care program to get her out of the house . Why did she sell her house ? Did she expect you to care for her 24/7 ? You have to break down the chores so you are not doing everything . Have you ever discussed assisted living with her ? It seems like your going to have to create boundaries - seek a social worker for support . Get meals on wheels . Practice self care - go out to eat , get a cofffee at a cafe , treat yourself to a massage - walk the beach - go for a bike ride . Maybe you can find her a boyfriend with a house . Look for social clubs she can participate in like horticulture or knitting 🧶 your being suffocated please find some joy in your life .

Everyone else has pretty much answered...but one other thing is you can look for volunteer services for the elderly in your area. They can take her grocery shopping, to the Drs, the bank, etc. Plus it will give you a little free time to yourself.

So currently she is okay in your home by herself while you are out of the home working fulltime?

Give yourself a temp break while you are thinking through things. I'm currently at the Hyatt Regency for local discount of $109 per night. I'm doing a three night break. I was exhausted. I don't live local but Mom's lawyer said I could pay for a motel while I'm in the area. Normally I stay at the house but I could no longer take it any longer.

Calling local hotels will get you better pricing than online rates.

Can she uber around to things? You need to outsource a lot of functions.

Are you the one engaged or your daughter? Can you move in with your fiance? At least short term? For respite?

Hire a once every two weeks house cleaner. Through a service it should run you around $70. Or hire a once a month house cleaner.

Have the grocery stores pull your grocery orders. This is free and you simply drive up.

Order groceries online and have them delivered (Instacart). Also, have the pharmacy deliver her prescription meds. Hire an agency that provides escort and transportation services to get her to her doctor's appointments. That's what I did for my 81 yo mother with dementia.

I agree with some about the little things like putting limitations on watching news, maybe put old school shows on to cheer her up?. Lots of 50's shows for free on Youtube. And herbal supplements and tea. My Mom who is 81 has some success with CBD. She doesn't seem to have as much anxiety with it. You don't have to feel like you have to do it all. I have to put my foot down with my Mom sometimes but we have a strong relationship and have been through a lot. Playing memory games with her, even just 20 minutes a day plus exercise and sunshine. Simplify your life. We can make things complicated or not simply by our attitude. Life is hard but you'll get through it. Also contact local churches in your area. You never know, she might make some friends. God is our friend and our helper for sure. Anyway best to you! I always learn from these posts.

exhaustedinnc: Imho, perhaps she could use the funds from the sale of her home to foot HER bill for an assisted living facility. Also, perhaps she should turn off the news as depending on what station she views, world news IS upsetting.

Talk to local social worker or case manager at the hospital. You might have to pay for their help, but one of them could help find a place your mom could afford.

I wish I had advice. But you are not alone. With the exception of my mom living with me for 11 years, her being 90, me being 58 and not engaged, EVERY SINGLE other detail matches my life exactly. The condo, my daughters, not driving, lack of $, no friends, the news, the 50s. I have no life. I feel like an old woman myself and am watching any hope of enjoying my golden years of freedom slip away year after year. I wish I had a solution for both you AND me.

First of all, talk to a good eldercare attorney who specializes in these situations. There are answers - we just have to find them. If she sold her home, where is the money. This should get her into assisted living and when the money runs out, she would be eligible for Medicaid. Sounds to me like she wants the cake and eat it too. You need a professional to sort this out and come up with options for her care. Don't wait until you re destroyed - move on this now.

Where's the profit from the sale of her property? That should be enough for her to get a small condo and, perhaps, hiring in-home help (Like Visiting Angels.)