My mother & step father abused me physically & mentally as a child till they kicked me out at 17. After that, they basically dealt with me only to use me. I've been helping my step-father who has COPD w/my mother who is in Hospice at home. He has became abusive and demanding so when I had enough, I cut ties on the advice of the Hospice Social worker. Quite frankly I gained weight - BP was up & migraines increased. I think my body was saying get away! Now at times I have guilt, thinking of recent times where they were vulnerable. Setting boundaries or going less has not worked, I tried it - they're too selfish. 5 other siblings stopped contact awhile ago. It's tough cutting ties with people who hurt you when you know they need help. The emotional pangs are tough...
You tried to help. It wasn't appreciated. Your parents have made their beds. What goes around comes around. Its just a shame their come around is when they r the most vulnerable. I suggest you find some counseling. If you can't afford it, there are places that charge on scale. You owe these people nothing.
In my layman opinion, you are looking for love that isn't there. And by doing that you become vulnerable and they sense that. Please, stay away. These people have no idea what love is. They probably feed off of each other. Look up the word Narcissist. I bet u will see lots of similarities.
I had migraines all the years I was growing up--constant and they really affected my ability to function.
I get married at age 20 and migraines disappear. Hm.
After I was married, it took some time for me to realize that my mother was one of my major triggers. As an adult, continual stress will get to me--and mother is still alive and still triggers a h/a if I don't watch it.
Yes, guilt still eats at me, but I don't know why! All 4 of my sibs are as offboard as they can be with her and she LIVES with one of them.
To give you an idea of how wacky my mom can be: I was dxed with cancer last year. Thinking she should hear it from me, not through the grapevine, I went to see her and told her. Her response? "Well, daddy will be glad to see you". Daddy dies 15 years before.
So I go no contact for the 6+ months I am doing chemo, sick as a dog and bald as can be. When I finished and my hair was coming back (not much, but I wore a scarf) and I go see her to let her know I'd gone into remission and she looks at me and says "Oh, and you used to be my prettiest child". WTH?
Gone no contact again, I just...can't.
Before the cancer, I was PT CG for her, as hard as it was. I stepped out of the picture completely and she never even noticed.
Give yourself some time and don't call or visit your folks. It's truly a sad thing when we feel our parents are the 'worst' for our mental health.
And you are NOT alone.
My heart goes out to you. I am 69 yrs old and my mother who is 93 yrs and still living, was a toxic person to me, and who also grew up in an abusive home-alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, emotionally bankrupt parents, etc. We can't change the past, but, we can change ourself and our future. Even at my age, I still wonder why she did what she did when I was growing up. She began signs of dementia in her 60's and is currently in late Stage 3 and doesn't even recognize me. Out of 3 children, two older brothers, none of them wanted to take care of her personal & financial affairs, so I did. She was declared incompetent by the courts about ten years ago and I was appointed her trustee, POA and guardian of person. With much help, I have shifted my thinking and attitude to be grateful for whatever positive things I got when I grew up, i.e. food, a house, good schooling, a family, clothes, etc. I try not to dwell on the negative things and stop blaming her. Its not for her sake, it's for mine. I try to let go on negative energy. Although, I do all her financial affairs, managing her caregivers, etc. I don't visit her much. I remember her at holidays with a card and flowers. But, maintain very little physical contact with her. That's all I can do without compromising my emotions and causing me stress. I hope you can find a middle of the road solution for you. Good Luck and God Bless You.
You do what is right for you.
You can feel guilty for stepping away when THEY feel guilty about the abuse they put upon you and possibly your siblings.
I am sure studies have been done that show that people that have been abused have the same symptoms as anyone that has been diagnosed with PTSD sometimes called PTSS (post traumatic stress syndrome..rather than a disorder)
And the symptoms you mention are indicators of that. Take a cue from the military, they do not knowingly put someone back into combat that has PTSD, so do not go back into combat yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Heal your wounds.
You aren't a Saint. You are a human being, and a decent one, at that, because psychopaths aren't the slightest interested in any of this. THEY never feel at fault! If you were a Saint we could fill you full of arrows, then pray to you for the rest of our lives so you could continue to "fix everything" for us. It hurts me to see decent people like you torment yourself. You have a few chances in life for a good family. The one that you were born to and the one you make later in life. So now make yourself a decent family, whether of blood or not. And help people to understand that they are good and decent and able and loved. It will bring you so much pleasure. Hugs out to you.
The truth is that it wasn’t my fault. In fact, parents who abuse also provoke. Why? Then they get to kick twice. Once, because of who they are and because they set their child up to rebel so they can point out that we rebelled. It’s evil. It’s cruel.
I am not saying that I am perfect. I never want to be a perfectionist like my mom. Perfectionists are miserable and want to make others miserable.
It starts in childhood so it isn’t detected by the child until therapy in adulthood. Want to hear the confusing part? We long for love so much that we forgive over and over, until we break.
Read self help books about self esteem. If you can afford a therapist, work with one to develop your self esteem.
Setting boundaries is about Y-O-U and not them.
"...Setting boundaries or going less has not worked, I tried it - they're too selfish..." By not enforcing your boundaries, you have allowed them to bend and cross them. Stop blaming them; they are who they are. When people show you who they are, believe them.
By the time you realize you don't have to constantly make them happy they are elderly and then you feel guilty if you don't take care of them all the time. Who else will do it?