Cut ties w/toxic elderly parents?

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. A counselor once explained to my husband that giving birth doesn’t justify or excuse abusive behavior. She asked him if it was anyone else who treated him like his mother did, would he accept it or would he remove that person from his life. Made it very clear what to do, which he — we — did for 10 years. We had no contact with anyone in his family. Then we were in their lives for another 10 years but on our terms. When FIL passed away, MIL went back to her old vicious ways. I tried to be understanding & compassionate, but she was relentless. She is now out of my life, my sons’ lives, and only in my husband’s life with intermittent texts and calls.

You matter! You have every right to have a good life. I hope you are able to find the strength to take the advice of others here on this forum. Hugs to you.

Another visual is imagine you are holding up a mirror in front of your heart that reflects the toxic words back to the abuser. Their words really are a reflection of them, not you. When this doesn’t work for me (isn’t enough protection for my heart) I go no contact for a while.

MBFoster thankyou for your reply to my response. Interestingly my mother has (untreated!) bipolar too AND my father was the one who was blamed for all the abuse!
Like all children of abuse, I feel the guilt of loving someone whom I simultaneously consider not worthy. It must be hard looking after your mother at home. Sending you virtual hugs now. xx

When a soldier goes to battle, they prepare themselves emotionally, mentally and physically. I have found that a using an imaginary shield that I put in place when in toxic situations. I use it to protect myself and to protect them. Our response to being "pushed" is to "push back," With my shield up I choose my reaction to them. Take previous situations and ask yourself "what should I have done" - make a successful resolution. Then when faced with a pressure situation, Pause, Take a Step Back (physically if possible or do it emotionally), Take a Deep Breath, Make sure your armour is on - then react accordingly. God did not make us to be aggressive - but to use assertiveness. You can "honor" your parents using all the different approaches that have previously been written. We don't have to love their behavior. I have to be cautious, because everytime I let me protective gear to slip - I end up saying hurtful things in response to what is said to me. It is nice to know that we're not alone in what we are going through. You might not see the light at the end of these circumstances, but you will go through it. Be healthy, journal your thoughts, give yourself hugs. Be blessed.

You need to stay away from these parents - mother and stepfather who abused you so badly, else they'll be no you.

I am nearly speechless after reading these posts about parental abuse, related articles about knowing when to walk away hit home for me.

I typed up my truth about sexual molestation and then deleted from this post-the people most important to me know it all and most importantly believe me too.

Punishment for being children in my family as a children was definitely abuse. It took a long time before I understood what that meant and what was done to me was without a doubt abuse.

Deep down mom knows my own truth regarding other form of abuse. -we discussed once years later. I told mom she keeps mounding more abuse and torture on me when she attempts to minimize and not accept my truth. I felt invisible except when I could do something to help them-Repeat invisible- when she attempts to minimize the seriousness of my son's current health condition. I am crying and she is saying why are you worried he is fine he looks fine what is your problem. I tried to protect them about the seriousness of son's condition. Initial diagnosis was horrifying and frightening to me, I did not know if they could handle the truth. Repeated silencing of my voice about my son broke me and I told mom the brutal truth. She finally stopped her nonsense talk at least for now.

Mom has been a major factor in how I feel toward her now. Too many things were unforgivable and took away valuable time I can give to self and my own family.

Mom reminds me frequently when I was the survivor of a horrible car accident where passenger was killed. I was 17. Mom says I survived for a reason: to take care of them. Lifetime of guilt about the accident. I have never forgiven my self for what happened to my friend and her family. My mom said horrible things about the deceased girl's family attempting to put the guilt on them about what happened to their daughter.

Mom continued to blame sisters dementia on sister did this to herself.

Mom blames dad and angry is he has Parkinson's and can not do housework now. WTH? I knew I had to remove myself from more and more of the same from her-It hurt so bad to see dad unable to defend himself from mom's verbal abuse.

I am finally free at last. I did what I could for as long as I could and don't think it really made a difference in their quality of life remains the same. insane and chaotic seems to be exactly what mom wants. Housekeeper will do whatever they ask at $50 an hour, she can have my parental to do list right now.

I do not feel guilty-mom does not deserve one more second of me than I have already given out of implied duty to take care our parents-with a huge life time emotional cost to myself and my own family who see me distressed after every visit to parents house.

I feel bad for dad has to live with mom all the while she is nasty and abusive to him for not helping her but he adores her still.-he tells me frequently " (he) has to do whatever she says". Dementia now for dad too he does not remember anything mom said or did that was mean she will never give him a second to speak and often interrupts anyone who wants to say more than 5 words.

Mom gives peanut brittle to dad because he has been good boy doing chair exercises today. Peanut brittle has already cracked 3 of dad teeth-which 2 more of them need to be pulled out. I say Mom maybe look at giving something softer that wont break off more teeth. I don't know why I waste my breath speaking these words to deaf ears. Mom orders up another box of peanut brittle-housekeeper will pickup the peanut brittle tomorrow problem solved.

The end.

Your mom & stepdad do have help, HOSPICE. You matter and you need to take care of yourself. Do not feel guilty, you did not put them in their circumstances. Toxic people will destroy you and not blink an eye. Stay away, pray for yourself and them and take care of yourself. No need to feel guilty.

zki
My heart goes out to you. I am 69 yrs old and my mother who is 93 yrs and still living, was a toxic person to me, and who also grew up in an abusive home-alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, emotionally bankrupt parents, etc. We can't change the past, but, we can change ourself and our future. Even at my age, I still wonder why she did what she did when I was growing up. She began signs of dementia in her 60's and is currently in late Stage 3 and doesn't even recognize me. Out of 3 children, two older brothers, none of them wanted to take care of her personal & financial affairs, so I did. She was declared incompetent by the courts about ten years ago and I was appointed her trustee, POA and guardian of person. With much help, I have shifted my thinking and attitude to be grateful for whatever positive things I got when I grew up, i.e. food, a house, good schooling, a family, clothes, etc. I try not to dwell on the negative things and stop blaming her. Its not for her sake, it's for mine. I try to let go on negative energy. Although, I do all her financial affairs, managing her caregivers, etc. I don't visit her much. I remember her at holidays with a card and flowers. But, maintain very little physical contact with her. That's all I can do without compromising my emotions and causing me stress. I hope you can find a middle of the road solution for you. Good Luck and God Bless You.

Everyone has guilt. Whether or not you allow the guilt to control you is your choice. You are the most important person in this scenario not your mother or your step father. They will get help. You need to remove yourself from their care. They don’t deserve your help. When thoughts of guilt creep in, block them out. Force yourself to think about something else. You do have this power.

I speak from life's experiences. My life was very sad and very tough and often I found myself in situations (like the above) where I was being harmed for no reason. It took me far too long to wake up and realize that, no matter who it is or what their perceived reason is, no one ever under any circumstances has the right to be cruel and mean to someone else. It is simply NOT acceptable. If you feel you have done all you can to correct the situation (and many will never be made right), then you must ask yourself if you were put on this earth to be tormented and abused for someone else's benefit or do you have value and the right to a peaceful life.
There are people and situations who can NEVER BE RIGHT like the one above. YOU owe these people NOTHING based on their treatment of you and kicking you out - N O T H I N G. It doesn't matter if THEY need help. I don't think they deserve it but I see clearly that YOU NEED HELP. Please for your own safety, physically and mentally, walk away and never look back. But find a good counselor to help you through this very tough time so you have a chance for a good life.

Zki - you have done well by these people. You can rest knowing that. I believe the physical symptoms you mention were indeed your body signaling some healthy changes were in order, mind, body and spirit. I think growing up with "parents" who verbally (it always includes emotionally too) and physically abuse their kids, one of the side effects is that those kids can believe they are responsible for their parents happiness and overall condition. Nobody has to take that on. Perhaps the guilt you are feeling might be you recognize this, but have not yet detached from getting a sense of worth or identity from their approval, regardless how fleeting it may be. It is alright to let hired caregivers handle their needs. It is alright to step back from them, to focus on your own well being and to make that your priority.

'Setting boundaries or going less has not worked, I tried it'...

'It's hard enough in milder cases (no physical abuse) to admit that you mainly tolerate your parent ... and never really liked them as people.'

Sad but so true. 

My new counsellor told me that setting boundaries works only if both sides accept and stick to them. I hadn't thought of that! My mother ignores them and my birthday was spoiled by my brother (who used to be the golden child till he started getting fed up with her behaviour and showing it!) ringing me to tell me she was complaining because we are going round less and saying how much she missed my husband - the new golden child. There are plenty of nice people where she lives but she just says, 'I'm not a joiner' and makes no effort to make friends with them; she relies on family to meet all her needs. But you do then feel guilty for not going as much as she expects. You really feel you can't win.

Because of coronavirus, non-essential visits have now been banned by the AL staff where my mum lives - which is a relief in a way, but still raises the question of how she will get food supplies, etc. She refuses to have a mobile (cell?!) phone or a computer so can't order her own shopping. We battled last year to get her to accept a paid caregiver for a few hours a week, as doing everything was getting too much and we were going away so had to find back-up care, so at least they can get her some shopping. She doesn't seem that worried about the pandemic yet.

My mother treats my husband - who will do almost anything for her, any time, though I don't know why, when it's pretty clear she is using him and he knows I am conflicted about it - as her own, and I feel guilty again for feeling a bit jealous and left out. It is coming between us and the stress is very harmful; we've both felt that we may have mild COVID-19 symptoms and stress makes all viruses worse.

Nobody should put up with abuse. I am a Christian, and as I understand the biblical directive, we are to make sure our parents are not starving in the street, but that does not mean we have to be a part of their lives beyond that if they are toxic people. You need not feel guilty at all. You can take care of them from a distance.

Your guilt is irrational. Guilt is for when you did something wrong. You have done nothing wrong.

Read self help books about self esteem. If you can afford a therapist, work with one to develop your self esteem.

Setting boundaries is about Y-O-U and not them.

"...Setting boundaries or going less has not worked, I tried it - they're too selfish..." By not enforcing your boundaries, you have allowed them to bend and cross them. Stop blaming them; they are who they are. When people show you who they are, believe them.

I know about this one. It is very hard. You feel so torn but whatever happens, it is important that you protect yourself because they still have the power to hurt you. I think that the amount you suffer in feeling sorry for them, is nothing compared to the damage they will continue to do to you, if you give into guilt. Inside you are still that child. Don't let them hurt her again.

Agreed. It's hard enough in milder cases (no physical abuse) to admit that you mainly tolerate your parents (and siblings) and never really liked them as people. It's a hollow feeling, thinking you might have enjoyed life more as an orphan. I find people in general to be overrated and dull, the older I get.

I'd probably feel guilty walking away. and I know personally how big & emotionally draining challenges when faced with an abusive and toxic relationship then, the relationship becomes dependent on you for survival. With my own situation, and clear communication from an abusive spouse of his "feelings, or lack of for me", then, he keeled. With frontal temporal dementia, there is no empathy, and a full spectrum of expressions and behaviors that are without control screens in play. But I didn't walk or run, as instincts demanded, but dutifully dug in... it's my personal program dictate. We all handle what's on our plates differently, but the best advice I can think of is to be true to yourself, and really tell the truth, then live from that truth. Then you can drop the guilt trip, which does no good, is destructive to you... and certainly does not help the ailing parent. If you can't deal with the parent... find some outside help that can.

Now you have a good excuse to distance yourself from them. Covid 19.

Boundaries are for you - not the ones who are abusive. They may never change, but that does not mean you must continue to be abused. Their actions led to this situation the loss of your company and help. If you feel you must do something: keep in touch with your parents caregivers, send letters, and occasionally help financially (if needed). You don't have to call or visit.

I have had a rough patch with my elderly father, who I now see as abusive and narcissistic. This website has been very helpful. Posters on here have repeatedly said - maintain boundaries - and it has been really difficult, but I feel that is the only way to preserve your sanity.

Zki; Some folks should never have become parents, simply because they lack sufficient emotional "juice" to be able to think about someone else's welfare BEFORE their own. That's what being a parent is all about. Instead, they see their children as extensions of their own egos and can accept NO imperfection in the child and need to project all of their own failings onto that child.

In situations like these, it is better for all involved if the "designated" target child steps away and allows professionals to take over.

((((hugs)))))))

You should not feel guilty about stepping away from people (I will not call them parents) that have abused you.
You do what is right for you.
You can feel guilty for stepping away when THEY feel guilty about the abuse they put upon you and possibly your siblings.
I am sure studies have been done that show that people that have been abused have the same symptoms as anyone that has been diagnosed with PTSD sometimes called PTSS (post traumatic stress syndrome..rather than a disorder)
And the symptoms you mention are indicators of that. Take a cue from the military, they do not knowingly put someone back into combat that has PTSD, so do not go back into combat yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Heal your wounds.

My bad for assuming you are female! Don't tell my kids. They hate gender stereotypes more than anything. You taught me something...that it's not only women who get that FOG thing (thanks Cherokeegrrl54). Sentiment is the same regardless of gender. I'm so impressed with the support here. Wow. Lovely group.

Zki529—-doesnt matter if youre male or female, if your parents abused you and from your post they still are, please go no contact and perhaps get counseling to help you deal with the guilt feelings. Also, google FOG (fear,obligation, guilt). I think it may help you. Blessings to you for peace and happiness going forward. Liz

Sadly, a lot of us have had to go no-contact with siblings or even parents who are so toxic they cause us physical distress.

I had migraines all the years I was growing up--constant and they really affected my ability to function.

I get married at age 20 and migraines disappear. Hm.

After I was married, it took some time for me to realize that my mother was one of my major triggers. As an adult, continual stress will get to me--and mother is still alive and still triggers a h/a if I don't watch it.

Yes, guilt still eats at me, but I don't know why! All 4 of my sibs are as offboard as they can be with her and she LIVES with one of them.

To give you an idea of how wacky my mom can be: I was dxed with cancer last year. Thinking she should hear it from me, not through the grapevine, I went to see her and told her. Her response? "Well, daddy will be glad to see you". Daddy dies 15 years before.

So I go no contact for the 6+ months I am doing chemo, sick as a dog and bald as can be. When I finished and my hair was coming back (not much, but I wore a scarf) and I go see her to let her know I'd gone into remission and she looks at me and says "Oh, and you used to be my prettiest child". WTH?

Gone no contact again, I just...can't.

Before the cancer, I was PT CG for her, as hard as it was. I stepped out of the picture completely and she never even noticed.

Give yourself some time and don't call or visit your folks. It's truly a sad thing when we feel our parents are the 'worst' for our mental health.

And you are NOT alone.

I think if you had no knowledge of where your Step-Father & Mom lived it would be different. They would be somewhere in the world & you would be free living your life.

But since you've been roped in to their lives... then it's a conscience decision to step away but a VERY valid one to make if you choose to.

I think what I would do is connect them to Social Workers for more services - which you have already done. Then I could walk away *with no guilt*.

I would know I have done the humane thing of ensuing they have care - but I would have no need to provide any physical or emotional support or be involved in any day to day care decisions. I think it's about the underlying thoughts: whether you believe YOU have to provide these things?

If I found an injured stranger on the street, I would want to help him. I would call emergency services & once he was with them I would go home. I might wonder if he recovered etc. But I would not bring the man into my home to treat myself or take over the responsibility for.

I hope you find peace with the decisions you make.

I never understand how guilty people feel when toxic people in their lives are finally moved away from. But I guess that is because I had just great parents. Gentle honorable loving supportive people who taught me to see myself as able, capable, a good decision maker. BAD parents lead us to believe it is OUR fault, that WE, the children are bad. And it is so hard to move away from, so hard to have self esteem necessary. We all have limitations. A healthy mind raised by loving parents recognizes that, and does the best it can, forgives itself from failings. An injured mind just suffers. It suffers when it DOES everything, because that everything is never enough. And it suffers when it leaves these dreadful people because it believes what it was taught--that it is all your fault.
You aren't a Saint. You are a human being, and a decent one, at that, because psychopaths aren't the slightest interested in any of this. THEY never feel at fault! If you were a Saint we could fill you full of arrows, then pray to you for the rest of our lives so you could continue to "fix everything" for us. It hurts me to see decent people like you torment yourself. You have a few chances in life for a good family. The one that you were born to and the one you make later in life. So now make yourself a decent family, whether of blood or not. And help people to understand that they are good and decent and able and loved. It will bring you so much pleasure. Hugs out to you.

Have you put "abusive parents" in search? You will find you are not the only one. I am really surprised at the amount of members who are or have taken care of parents who have abused them in some way. I have found that there seems to be one child who has some compassion and tries to be there for them and the abuse goes on. That child backs away and still feels guilty. Such a shame. No one deserves to be mistreated. A child who has been abused should never care for the abuser. I bet there is a Golden child among those siblings who have stepped back.

You tried to help. It wasn't appreciated. Your parents have made their beds. What goes around comes around. Its just a shame their come around is when they r the most vulnerable. I suggest you find some counseling. If you can't afford it, there are places that charge on scale. You owe these people nothing.

In my layman opinion, you are looking for love that isn't there. And by doing that you become vulnerable and they sense that. Please, stay away. These people have no idea what love is. They probably feed off of each other. Look up the word Narcissist. I bet u will see lots of similarities.

Man or woman, doesn’t matter. It’s tough. It’s hard. If there was any type of abuse, emotionally or physically. You need a break. You are not a doormat. You are a human being.

For the record, I went no contact as well. I have crappy siblings. My mom was living with me for 15 years. She was a perfectionist and wanted everything her way all the time. I burned out. She is now with my brother and sister in law.

My dad was a joy. I miss him.

Take care.

I so sympathize. I think women are often conditioned to help, even against their own best interests. Frankly I think you are right to put yourself first for a change. Caring for an abuser is beyond the call of duty. Everyone gets old, even the cruel ones. Aging doesn’t give them a pass for having abdicated their own parenting obligations. Take care of yourself. Hugs (or elbow bumps)