My dad and I have a very difficult relationship. (Background - I moved to Az 5 years ago to help take care of my Mom. She died in Dec. I'm the only surviving offspring ). He is a narcissistic and vindictive man, but he is my dad, and I love him anyway, and have always wanted to please him- but it's almost impossible. Today he asked me to visit different branches of his bank, to find a broker who would come to his ALF, as he is in a wheelchair, and it's hard for him to get around. I found one, and initiated the change. I guess I'm naive about fund managers, and how they claim "ownership" over someone's account. A fight ensued between the current broker and the local one( who would see my dad at the ALF). My dad called me, furious because both brokers had called him to fight over his accounts. He told me to stay out of his business from now on. I'm only trying to help and do what he asks. He has 15k cash hidden in his home- I've been begging him to let me put it in a safe deposit box. People come in and out of his apartment all day. There is a lot of staff turnover and he has already had his oxycodone stolen because he leaves it out. He also has a loaded handgun (in a lockbox, at my insistence). I don't know how to help him- but I feel like I need to take a step back and let him handle his own business, even if he screws it up. He's not incompetent- just using some really bad judgment. I've always hated it when he finds fault with me, even when I'm 58! So, I guess it just pushes my buttons, and I think should I back away and let the chips fall?
The irony of these people is that, quite often, I have found, once you stop trying to please them they like you better. Give it a whirl and see what happens. Hugs.
(Whoops. Better not roll on floor. May not be able to get up.)
I do wish you could get the money and guns out of the room. That is tempting the people who work there and really serves no purpose. You will probably just have to look for opportunities to arise. Why in the world does he think he needs that kind of money or a gun in AL? The logic of older men can leave me in confusion at times. You have my sympathy. We can only do what we can and look for opportunities to get rid of problems.
Let's say he gets thrown out of the AL, either because of his erratic behavior, his gun, or because he spends all his money foolishly. Are you going to feel obligated to come rescue him? Take him into your home? Impoverish yourself by quitting your job and trying to care for him? ( alone, because he won't qualify for Medicaid if he's gifted money).
You really need to figure out NOW how much you're going to allow him to ruin your life.
Me, I'd give him a wide berth from now on. Make sure his lawyer or someone has poa and if he asks for help like that again, say " oh, i couldn't do that."
See All Answers