This is with great frustration and turmoil for my 3 sisters and me. We came from a loving home, lost our mother in her early age of 52 and we girls were in our late twenties. We’ve always said when our mom died, our dad died too. Born to a father who was an alcoholic, our father it saddens, has fallen suit. 29 years differ, he has rebounded into a relationship literally after our mother passed. You cannot say this relationship has blossomed over the years. We have learned that she herself indeed, is an alcoholic. Imagine two codependency/enablers sacrificing their needs for the sake of the other. Fast forward to almost 8 years ago, our father had to have a liver transplant. Sober and vowed, only to have failed himself, had no support from her, and disappointed us girls. We are back to face his reality. We are back to where we left off, only to be introduced to a new friend (the girlfriends) who has been in the picture for two years as we know of. She faces her own problems of pill addiction. Through conversations with our father, we find that this “friend” is a wonderful friend. To him, both woman would do no wrong. They are highly praised for all their support and caring. In fact so supportive, we found out that the financials where being handled by the third girl with the support of our fathers girlfriend. Things we noticed where getting out of control. Our father had excuses on why we could not visit and phone calls where not being returned, claiming he never received any, and our phone numbers were never correct in his phone – no matter how many times they were corrected. We decided to step in, something we should have done years ago, but our father is adamant about his independence. First things first, DPOA, (guardianship is out of the question) we ran a credit report which showed a loan of $15k clearly did not belong to our father. Through research with the loan company and police reports, with police statements it was concluded that the loan was taken out by the third girl along with the girlfriends support. We know from the girlfriends bank statements that past deposits well over the amount of her employment has been weekly deposited into her account with crazy cash withdrawals from our fathers. One can only imagine, but to prove “is beyond a reasonable doubt”. Here is where we lay, the girlfriend is denying any involvement, 22 pieces of mail where sent to our father and not one had reached his hands. In the third girls’ statement to the police, she stated that the girlfriend provided the mail (the girlfriend is the only one with a mail key). My father at 78 is frail, has fallen several times in the past year, been in and out of the hospital due to health for the past 10 years, and at this time is malnutrition. He has accepted the fact that the third girl had caused theft but will not except the fact that his girlfriend was a part of it. With each communication, when we think we have opened the door the one in front slams shut. How do we challenge him into the beliefs that his relationship with his girlfriend is no longer based on codependency/enabler but a new unhealthy one, in the hands of a person that can be manipulating and is creative with undo influences?
You would like your father to recognize that his girlfriend has some responsibility in the theft of his money. But you have no proof and he has an unwillingness to believe you. I doubt you can accomplish that.
Is he at this point willing to allow the DPOA to manage his finances? That should minimize the risk of future theft.
Is his girlfriend looking after his health? Do you want to intervene in that area?
What else do you want for your father?
You wrote "we" and "DPOA". Does that mean you have POA? If this is the case use your power as POA and tighten up his accounts. Open a new account, one in which the girlfriend (or whichever girl) doesn't have the account number.
There's only so much we can do to protect our parents when they're competent. Sometimes we just have to let it go if there's nothing else we can do.
Although I'm sorry to say so, I'm afraid that you lovely daughters have probably left it too late to intervene. The Al-Anon idea from Looloo is an excellent one: I hope it will help you come to terms with the realities of your father's choices. None of them, by the way, were your doing.
Apart from that, do what you can but don't drive yourselves to distraction over it. You have your own lives to lead, and the time you give your father would be better spent on keeping him company than on legal and administrative matters.
While it is difficult for a man to live an extended period of time as a widower, your father has the misfortune of picking up with questionable women. Having a drinking problem gives these women the advantage as they try to "take advantage" of your father.
Since he is now 78 and frail, his financial assets need to be working for him as he will likely need help (home health aides) in the near future if not now. He is under 80 years old, if you can qualify him for a long term care policy, I would do it. Even if you have to fund it, as it will underwrite the need for home health aide in the next decade of his life.
Good luck.
Adult Protective Services may be able to help but as has been said, sadly our parents can make their own poor decisions.
Alcoholism is a disease. Whether or not that is enough to get guardianship depends on where you live, the judge and other aspects of your dad's mental health.
Take care of yourselves. That may be all you can do. Al-Anon will help you do that.
Carol
www.aoa.gov/
The Administration on Aging (AOA) is the principal agency of the U.S Department of Health and Human Services
What has your elder affairs attorney advised you to do?
It's a cruel reality. My stepfather wanted to trade cars every couple years and I found when he passed and I finally got to look after my mom, she had little money left. Much of their savings was money they saved when living with me from 2004 to 2009. In hindsight, I wish I had stepped in a couple years before he died and made sure he didn't have access to the savings. Now my husband and I have to contribute each month to a retirement home nearby for moms care.
Plus it isn't AL so I have several things I must do, most importantly, her meds.
I feel your frustration and sympathize. There is a lot of anguish and legal stuff involved in proving they are incompetent to handle their affairs.
Fortunately for me, I got POA on both parents while they still understood that I would be there to help when they needed it. They even signed off on the medical stuff, which is very helpful when they can't answer the doctors questions themselves. God bless you and your siblings as you battle to have your dad treated fairly. Perhaps some of the advice here will be the very thing you needed to see. Hope so. Donna
If you wish to take it on, it's almost impossible to keep an alcoholic from drinking, but if you handle all of his money and cut off the girl-friend's free ride, he will have a harder time getting alcohol. Go visit often and eat meals with him. You can't assume he will eat a meal that is prepared and left for him. This is a daunting task, but since there are 3 of you maybe you could take 2 days each in rotation so that it's not such a burden for any one of you.
If sshine has a "springing" POA, if she were to make any changes without incapacity she could be accused of "undue influence". Many POA's do not understand this. And prior to acting as POA everybody should consult with an attorney on responsibilities and when it is appropriate to start acting. Certainly worth an hour consultation to protect yoursef and your reputation!
Your father has a chronic condition that is the product of biopsychosocial origin. Addiction (Substance Use Disorder) is a condition that must be approached with the same spirit of advocacy as in any other chronic condition such as diabetes or heart disease etc.. While the 'traditional' peer support groups are a potential resource to check into;12 Step support is not evidence-based, and is not considered 'treatment' in the field of addiction by clinicians who have a Masters level or higher degree in the field of Addiction Treatment. Al Anon is best utilized for family members of those challenged by substance use disorder as a forum to vent and share what you have been through. It serves a helpful purpose in that. These kinds of 'peer' led groups allow family members to have a sense of belonging at a time when it is common to feel as though they are going through the collateral damage levied in the wake of a loved one's substance(s) use disorder. Also, it's important to take into consideration that when an individual is challenged by an addiction, it is very likely that they also are challenged by one or more mood or personality disorders, such as depression or anxiety. Anon groups can ease some of the sense of isolation a family member feels. But, I would also recommend that you check into 'evidence-based' group support, such as SMART Recovery Family and Friends. These groups are led by 'trained' facilitators who steer group energy/goals toward problem solving, rather than predominantly 'venting'. They are experts in compassion while keeping group discussion away from too much 'war story' telling. That is, because, after a point, we know that venting about all the negative behaviors and bad choices created in the in the family system becomes a drain on everyone's energy. And that drain is counter productive to creating a sense of empowerment and self efficacy. The group support frame is specific and facilitates self efficacy and problem solving skills, and is clinically proven.
SMART Recovery (Self Management and Recovery Training Friends and Family Program) is a no cost support resource. They have live meetings as well as live internet meetings. Just google it. The SMART model is based on clinically-proven tenets. Why not try both supports and see which one works best for your purposes. Many people utilize both 12 Step and SMART Recovery in combination. Godspeed to you and your family.