She keeps saying she needs help but doesn't get any. Dad is declining and while we try to help as much as possible, I give one day a week, many of my siblings work full time so that leaves only the weekends. My step mother only has a woman one day a week for a few hours and we have tried to tell her she needs more help but she hasn't extended her hours even though she could. She has gotten very nasty with me and several of my siblings about all the work she has to do for our father and that none of us help her, which is not true. I'm really stuck as to what to do. When I've tried to talk to her about it she becomes angry and defensive and talks only about herself. When I go there to give her a "break" day, she never leaves the house. I know she has caregiver burn out but she refuses to admit it. Any suggestions?
I found with my parents, they didn't want caregivers in the house, they didn't want to spend the money even though they had saved for these types of rainy days. My Mom felt it was her duty/job to take care of my Dad and their home, even at the age of 98... [sigh]. It was total denial of her age and what she could do.
Sometimes for our parents to realize they need to hire more help, we need to step back. Cut back on the hours you and your sibling are there. Have a family meeting with the sibling to talk about it. Then a meeting with the parents.
I know it will be rough, but maybe it will be a wake-up call for them. Time to maybe downsize to Independent Living where there is weekly housekeeping and one meal per day in the main dining room. Hey, I am ready to sign up :)
But don't be surprised if your Dad and his wife fight you all on this. Some elders will fight to keep their independence no matter what.
How long have they been married? Has she had a good relationship with you and your siblings? Does she have children?
When you go there and she doesn't leave the house, what does she do? I know that I sometimes just collapsed and took a nap when someone else could stay with my husband. But really, it is very important for the caregiver to get away from the situation regularly. If at all possible she should go for a walk or to a movie or out to lunch or bowling or to a museum -- whatever suits her interests and energy level. It would be a kindness if you could encourage this.
Do you have any idea why she resists the notion of extending the in-home help to more hours a week? Is it a financial concern? Does she feel guilty about it? What is preventing her from getting the help she needs? You and your sibs should still help your dad, but under the circumstances it is unrealistic to expect that you kids can meet all the household needs.
When you are caregiving a spouse with dementia you have to continue doing what you used to do, take over what your spouse used to do, and take on an entire new set of responsibilities for his care. No wonder your dad's wife feels overwhelmed, especially is she is close to his age. She really has to have help. The alternative is to place Dad in a suitable care center.
Is there anyone you can think of that she might listen to? Someone she wouldn't get angry and defensive with? Clergy? A good friend? Even your dad's doctor? A more detached relative?
She needs in-home help, in addition to what you and sibs can provide. And she needs to take advantage of opportunities to leave the house.
I hope you can figure out a way to overcome her resistance.
He might need me, I am the only one that really knows what he wants....
He is lost without me.......
What if something happens when I am gone.....
There is always the fear when you do leave the house when you return the car of the caregiver will not be there. That they left for what ever reason.
These are all thoughts that I had.
It may take someone else to get her out. A friend taking her to lunch or the movies. But I can tell you that friends are few and far between. They seem to drop off the face of the earth when you are a caregiver.
Or she needs a set time that she has to leave. Does she go to a support group? If not maybe she should and someone could be with your dad then.
A hair appointment once a month. Nails...something where she has to leave and do something for herself.
Also, she may be the kind of person that won't accept anything unless it's done the way she wants it to be done, like when she wants your siblings to chip in more even when that's not really an option.
I have something else to add and it's a different take.
Forgive me for this, and you know I know I'm not going on very many details here, but maybe she feels underappreciated.
I am NOT saying that you don't appreciate her, or that you don't tell her or show her.
I'm saying that she may not see it or feel it.
Is there a gift you could give her that she would really like? I'm not telling you to spend much, but something carefully thought about. Something that might show her that you really care about what she likes and that you pay attention enough to her to bring her something special that she would really enjoy.
Something that might SHOW her that you care for her more than just as a wife and caretaker for your father.
Again, I'm not saying that you don't value her that way, but when I'm hurt and angry and defensive it takes more to get through to me for me to see that someone really cares.
Additionally, I would really like alone time with my parent, but can you instead, some of the time, take both of them out to something they would both enjoy?
Maybe if you showed her that you value their relationship as a couple, and got to know her a little better, so to speak, maybe you can start to get through to her that way, and maybe she'd open up a bit.
I haven't taken the time to figure out why, but for some reason, it occurred to me that maybe if you showed her that you really cared about her as more than just a wife to your dad, maybe she might be able to try to sometimes not be as defensive and angry.
Perhaps she wants to do it all by herself, my daughter is that way. From the time she was 18 months old and wanted to dress herself to 53 and with a broken leg in a cast and used the ATV to feed the stock. She finally had to ask me for help when she had a hysterectomy. She hated every minute of it.
Also, if your stepmother keeps complaining that she needs help yet doesn't accept more help that's available to her there's not much you can do about that. It's her responsibility to hire more help if that's what she needs but I can understand that it's frustrating to listen to her complain about not having enough help when there's help available that she doesn't take advantage of.
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