My dad is 87, caring for my mom (who turned 89 today). He's in fairly good health, but she suffers from dementia (short-term memory loss, mainly) and has mobility problems. My dad has arranged for round-the-clock home aides to be with her at all times, but in recent months things have gotten more difficult.
Last month, Mom developed a lung infection which sent her to the hospital for five days. The time in the hospital bed severely impacted her mobility problems, and her physical therapist recommended she spend time at a rehab center (in a local nursing home) before trying to return home. Right now, that's where she is. She begs my dad to take her home every time he visits her (he visits two or three times daily), and she seems to be more and more disoriented. The nurse practitioner at the facility doesn't want to release her (even though she has been making good progress with her physical therapy), and now they're claiming recurring concerns about her lungs and breathing.
Dad is completely depressed. I live five hours away, which makes it very difficult for me to be much help. We talk on the phone every few days, but today he sounded worse than I've ever heard him.
Would a geriatric manager be of help to him? Are there ways he can bring her home safely? Money is not an issue for him -- part of me worries that the nursing home knows that and is keeping her there longer than necessary (but that may be my own frustration talking). Anyone out there experience anything similar?
How can I help Dad deal with this?
Our family situation is difficult -- Dad won't consider an assisted living facility (and my sister and I have both researched places near us that might work for both of them). He is able to afford full-time, round-the-clock nursing care for Mom at home, and many of the nurses have become friends (another reason why having Mom in the nursing home is difficult for Dad -- his daily support network is gone). It's also the reason he won't consider moving in with either me or my sister -- his nursing staff wouldn't be able to come with him. If we lived closer, it would be much easier to spend more time with them. As it is, my sister and I each visit every few weeks. He's more animated and seems less depressed when our husbands come along, too -- and that's harder to arrange.
Sylvial, my dad seems to be suffering from the same kind of depression as your dad. He has health issues of his own, but puts off getting help or going to a doctor. He won't ask for help, and when we offer it, he generally rejects it. This weekend my sister and I just ignored him and went anyway. At first, he didn't seem pleased -- but I think by the second day he was feeling more relaxed, so it was good we were there.
And no, neither my sister nor I have POA, and my father has made it clear he doesn't want us talking to their doctors (or to the nursing home) without his presence. He was a big-deal attorney in NYC for decades, and he wants full control over everything in his life -- this, of course, is why it's been so hard on him caring for my mom, since he's not in control at all.
The other "issue" is my brother, who lives about 25 minutes from our parents and doesn't work. He also doesn't visit or call except rarely. It's been frustrating for my sister and me. I've talked with him about it, and he says openly that he can't deal with them.
Again, thanks for all your help and support. I'm glad I found this website. It's good to hear from others who are going through the same thing . . . and surviving!
And yes, I'm not sure Mom actually knows what home is at this point. Her memory is in and out, and sometimes the place she's thinking of isn't the place they actually live now. And I do think if he would just visit less often she might adjust to the new environment. But that thought terrifies him. He doesn't want her in a facility; he wants her at home -- and he wants things to be the way they used to be (unfortunately, "the way they used to be" was over ten years ago).
As for his depression, he's dealt with this for his entire life and has refused any help (won't see anyone -- my husband is a therapist and has tried to convince him to see his doctor about medication, but he has refused). Of course the things causing his depression are very different now.
I do appreciate all of your help, and it's good to know that we're not alone. I'm visiting him (and Mom) tomorrow (along with my sister) and we'll see if there's anything we can do. Thanks again.
There is a lot unsaid in your post. How often do you and/or your sister spend quantity time with your parents? Have you recently spent more than one week with them? I ask this because it is easy to be deceived by a phone call or a couple hour visit every few months when it comes to really understanding your parents level of need.
My Mom is 78 and has dementia. Along with dementia comes difficulty swallowing and often lung infection because food goes down the wrong pipe. Fluids begin to accumulate and then oxygen, a nebulizer, and/or meds are needed - eventually morphine. Pneumonia is a real threat.
Your dad visits her because he is LONELY. He doesn't want her to pass without him. He sounds like he really needs YOUR support and guidance. Are you and your sister prepared to bring him into your home? Can he go into an assisted living facility near you? Your Mom may also be able to move to a NH closer to you.
Do you or your sister have POA and their health directive?
Do what you can and be content knowing that you did.
May you find peace in this situation.