Dad died and mom still living at home. Any advice?

I suspect she has some anxiety disorder and maybe some other health challenges. Please get your mom evaluated by a doctor. She may need referrals to a psychiatrist and neurologist to determine if she has dementia as well as identifying/treating a mental health issue. Please remember that medications for mental health issues take awhile (weeks) to be effective and usually require adjusting doses and trying different to get the right regimen for her.

Talk with her doctor about whether or not your mom is competent to live at home on her own. She may have reached the point in her life where she needs daily family assistance, assisted living, or skilled nursing care.

My dad (87) also lived ~3 hours from me, had just lost his wife (caretaker) of 50 years and had dementia.

I didn't see this as an option anyone threw out there, but if it looks like she really shouldn't be living alone any more (maybe even just due to memories) you may wish to check locally to see if there are any adult family homes near where you live. I live in Washington state, and they are everywhere! They have typically 2 care givers and only 5-6 residents, so she would be able to talk with others, and have more one-on-one care.

Where I live it was a little (not much) less than assisted living, but they (the ones I called, at least) allowed transition to medicare for 100% of their residents so long as they co-pay for 2 years.

If she's in a nearby adult family home you can go visit her on occassion, or even have her over for lunch or dinner on the weekend, and not have to drive to tim-buc-tu to do it. The adult family home I had my dad in accepted normal cognitive functioning adults all the way through dementia...they had different homes to move them to if they needed lockdown due to mid or later stage dementia. (this particular business had 25 homes, so they had a range of facilities to meet all needs).

Maybe this would work better than assisted living, as it may well be closer to you, be a little more informal, and they are in houses, so less institutional feeling.

I agree with the others...she should not come to live with you...it will be way too stressful for everyone.

My mantra was "I'm not giving up my future, for your present". I'm not saying don't help, and don't care, but DO have healthy boundaries, like the others said. Not just you, but your husband and kids deserve that.

Good luck!

These panic attacks are probably due to her loss! Her husband just died and it is not that unusual. It does not sound like things are working out there, so the best thing to do is simply TALK to your mother.

Do not assume your mother hates you. People often mistake this when it is not you they hate, but more likely they just hate the predicament they are in.

Ask your mother what she would like to do and how you feel as well. Explain to her what you explained here. You are willing to do anything to help her, but feel she is unhappy and may be even resentful to you.

If she is able to care for herself, it is most likely best to let her go back home. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't visit her. Instead of rushing over every single time, see if just talking on the phone can help.

If she is not able to care for herself, you can help her set up in-home care. If she can not afford it, there are programs to help with that too. We have one called IRIS here.

You have a good heart! I believe you will find the right answer for both you and your mom! Don't give up! I bet deep down your mom loves you far more than you realize.

God Bless you and your family!

itisuptome: Perhaps this dynamic will not work since your mother "hates you." Your family is your priority; your mother will have to opt for facility living. Condolences on the loss of your father.

I am sorry for your troubles and the loss of your father. You have a lot of loss in your life and I encourage you to get some counselling for yourself. Sometimes we have the wrong idea about counselling but a good counselor will listen and assist you in how to deal with the situation. Relationships are difficult even during good conditions so you have my empathy. It is good you will "do anything" so don't get discouraged because all of you deserve peace (including your mom).

Something I had to learn with my own mother is to set boundaries. If there is a legitimate reason for you to go to her or bring her to you is one thing, but you need to make it clear that you will not be at her becon call whenever she feels like you should be.

I sound like a broken record. But I’m going to say it again.

You cannot make her happy. But you can keep her safe.

If you think her her problems are serious enough to warrant dropping everything and driving 3 hours now, what happens when they become more frequent? How often will you make that drive? Why would you want her to move in? Especially if you want peace? The crises won’t subside. If she lives with you, the crises may progress to the point where you are not “allowed” to be out of her sight. Are you prepared for that?

What happens if you dodge a crisis call? Does she solve it herself?

Sounds like you’d better help her move into a supported living system, closer to you. But not WITH you.

If you’re doing all of this with the hope that she’ll finally express her love and appreciation for you, trust me, she won’t. It’s a painful truth to face.

Stop the madness, you deserve better. You are not a victim, but rather a volunteer.

Ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate her for Assisted Living and then books yourself a vacation.

Pure and simple, and this will sound insensitive, but if your marriage is to last and you want peace as you say, help mom get admitted to assisted living if affordable or skilled nursing home. Enough said!

Also, in spite of everything else, she’s 90. She may be having a bit of dementia (suddenly not liking turnips) and depression (loss of spouse) going on and realizing her own mortality is not too far off given her age. This is in no way meant to suggest you continue to enslave yourself to her demands. Just possible explanations of her more recent behavior. Do what’s best for you. She may also be realizing since you’re the last child standing that when she’s gone, you will get whatever assets are left. Considering how you describe her feelings about you, perhaps this bothers her. Don’t know, but based on how my own mother looked at things, it could be a reason as well.

Why do you do 'anything that she needs' when she treats you like this?
If this is nothing new ... why have you allowed her to treat you like this ?
She will (possibly) only stop when you change your behavior towards her.
If you want her behavior to shift, you need to change yours.
And, if she has dementia, she may not change although I've had clients [w dementia] who DO change because they want the care I provide. They are not stupid. They sense what is going on and how to get their needs met.
You need to set boundaries with her and personal boundaries for your self. When you set boundaries for yourself, you are telling yourself "I respect and value myself... I deserve better..."

Somehow over the years, if not decades, you have internalized that it is 'okay' for her to treat you as she did / does. It is not okay. My suggestions are for you to:

1) talk to your husband and role play (setting boundaries with her).
First, discuss w your husband how you value yourself and why you put up with her behavior towards you. If you realize you do not value yourself, brainstorm with him how you can (behave differently towards your mom) to create this value (self esteem / self worth).

2) Find out her medical diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with (i.e., brain chemistry, impulse behavior. Medication needs.

3) Get into therapy for yourself to learn to value yourself. This 'nonsense' goes on because you allow it. I understand decades long behaviors between a daughter and mother are complicated. Still. It is time you step back and actually understand your own behavior / reactions towards her.

4) Are the very least, if she reacts with anger, 'hatred" ("she hates me"), step back and "say, I want to be treated with respect. .... Calm down Mom ... Talk to me nicely, please." Then walk away (for a short time). If she has the cognitive ability to comprehend / understand what you are saying, she will change. If she wants her needs met, if she can cognitively do it, she will.

* It is possible to set boundaries and tell her how you want to be treated with compassion for her - and yourself. First, you need to know and feel that you deserve it. As is said "we teach people how to treat us."

* Be compassionate towards yourself. These issues / relationship structures are deep. A child wants her mother to love her. This could be internalized by a child "I will do anything for you ... to love me." In therapy, you can get in touch with that child inside you. She is still there ... running the show ... running your life. She needs you (the adult 'you) now to say "I respect you and I love you."

Gena / Touch Matters

Let mom do mom in her home. She can call 911 and let them with panic attacks. Do NOT ask her to move in. It’s difficult under the very best circumstances. You do not have the very best circumstances.

Give some credence to what your husband is telling to, and examine it through his eyes.

You are very kind to take your mother in. However, she is not being kind to you. I truly believe in quality of life for everyone, and that includes you and your husband. I think your mom should be in a senior community. She would have people to socialize with and will receive assistance if it is needed. Offer her three choices; go back home and maybe have a personal care company in the home for a few hours a week, stay with you providing she change her attitude, or go to a senior community. I’m assuming she does not have dementia and knows what she is doing.

If she is able to live alone in her own home, take her back to her own home. You do not need to be the answer to every problem or panic. If she has real emergencies, she can call the police or fire dept. or 911. If she is having panic attacks, she needs to discuss those with her doctor. If she needs rides, she will have to hire a cab or an Uber. If she has too many needs, maybe she can no longer live alone.

Maybe try having a straight up adult to adult conversation with her. Tell her it's an adult to adult conversation.
Ask her outright if she hates you.Tell her how your feeling.
Use the turnip example...she loves turnips but wouldn't eat your crap.
Is that how she has been all your life or is it sudden onset. If sudden, then she might be dementing due to the personality changing.
Tell her that she ll need some supports as you can't feasibly respond to every perceived crisis.
Ask her how she's feeling.
But try not to pander to her.
Family dynamics in these situations sound horrific. There are a million issues at play ranging from guilt trips to anger, loss, sadness, sheer fatigue and frustration, obligation, with all the practical beaurocratic stuff on top.

Very hard. You ll be damned if you do and damned if not. The elderly are possibly regarded as too fragile to be treated like adults, but end of day, they are adults ....well...all adults are really just kids in big bodies.

But seems to me the elderly parent can use so many manipulative behaviours to induce guilt. And that is not your fault.
Your doing well but stick to your boundaries and don't take on all the responsibility if it's affecting you, without saying something.

Itisuptome, I feel for you. My mother is at the other end of the narcissistic spectrum (enmeshed) but the codependency, boundary violations and damage to sense of self/identity are similar. I hope you are able to find some peace as you navigate this very difficult situation. To everyone expressing disbelief or even anger (which by the way is the treatment she already receives from her mother), this is a complex issue. If it were as simple as you suggest, the psychiatrists who have studied it for hundreds of years would have come up with a solution by now.

I understand and have been through it in past and back in it again but mom is relocated in a nearby assisted living facility which is best for her and my own mental emotional health. I am her comprehensive care manager and acompany her to every doctor visit keeping all in network with her insurances. That's the best job for adult children and must let her pay for her own group home setting to keep her and you truly secure. I have to remind myself everyday that 65% of caregivers die before (because of) the elder care recipient. if we let our family stress give us a heart attack, that is not good for mom's longer term care management needs. I have to tell myself no every day to my codependency. I know that my best care is not allowing my other siblings or mother to abuse me. I am trained pro ltc ins agent retired, but I have a tender heart. Fact: care can kill caregivers who don't get safe home space themselves. God bless us all as we travel this Lenten road and thanks for all strong healthy boundaries advice! I'm alot like you and I am blessed reading the comments: " don't let her live with you" if there's negativity at all. Results - fact: My mom is now really happier with many more peer friends and caregivers staff + helpers to interact with at assisted living. Choose an alf nearby in her budget. Call and set free tour and assessments scheduled this week - explain a fun girls day out for healthy lifestyles and it's a nice free lunch and learn! You write her budget to get moved on a balanced budget and set you both free in love. Mom need companionship and not ours but trained staff and a hundred or even 6 new housemates to target her attention.

My therapist would always say to me, the child inside of you doesn’t know how to drive. Your present self is in charge.

I recommend getting your mother into a facility as her next stop. You did not post her health and medical conditions, but her behavior is no excuse to abuse you. Your family and yourself deserve much peace.

Do NOT get sucked in. You will end up hating every moment of your life and simply longing for escape.

I’m so sorry for the passing of your father. My father died in 2020 and my mother has always used him as a scapegoat. I somehow have replaced that role and I’ve been the scapegoat every since. I tried to have my mother live with me, I finally put my foot down and said I’m not driving you everywhere while you treat me like garbage. My mother will never change and she enjoys the family go against each other. She enjoys the drama so she can get attention. I served as my mother’s therapist and emotional support since I’ve been 7 years old. It really is nuts! If I didn’t get her out of my house, she would have destroyed my child’s well being and my marriage. It will all come crashing down and she’ll be in assisted lives while the nursing home takes her money. I warned her and now it’s all up to her. Stay strong.

I think You are being a good Daughter ,and Christian. We need to forgive! My Mom's 3 year Death anniversary, is tomorrow. Our Mom's Never really Hate us! We might feel as so. They have bitterness, and unresolved issues they had in life. I Know My Mom did! I forgave her, and just told her when she said things that hurt me, I would say, that was hurtful. But I forgive You! My Mom needed Me! And I needed Her Too! As dysfunctional as it might have been, I have NO Regrets! Just Love and Forgiveness!

Start with drawing the line. Just one time, let that call go to voicemail. Decide to plan an exit and rehearse your statement. There is a life after all this, you must claim it.

Why would you welcome someone to stay forever in your home who has always hated you?

You can't control her actions or reactions. Maybe rethink welcoming her into your home. Maybe discuss other living arrangements and options with her.

Choose to give your family the peace they and you deserve.

Condolences on passing of your father. where was mother living before? In her own home? She can go back there or can she go to Assisted Living facility? Did she depend on your father for everything before? Don’t be his replacement. You won’t be able to get her to go home the longer she stays. What are her health concerns? What exactly does she need help with? Can you hire someone to help her in her own home a few times a week? Better the house immaculate than a hoarding house!

Your Mom sounds like a controlling mother with a psychological problem like mine was .She had chronic depression and , narcissism . She kept the house immaculate too . The calling you up in a panic is for attention . My mother did that after my fathers death as well . If she was independent, she would call 911 instead of waiting 3 hours for you to come . Sounds to me like besides the possible psych issues she has dementia. She keeps the house immaculate to hide the fact that she’s struggling in other ways . My mother did the same . Example, her calling with her emergencies to have you come is because she is scared being alone and can’t figure out what to do when something goes wrong . She needs to be tested for dementia . Her nastiness is also a defense mechanism to hide the dementia. I’ve already watched my mother star in this movie. Perhaps she could do OK in an independent living community if she’s willing to check them out and then go to assisted living. Or maybe needs assisted living already . You can’t take care of her. Her personality disorder will take over big time and she will be nasty to you and not do as you ask her to do . She will take over your home , ruin your family life . Mom has no filter anymore in her brain . That is what the geriatrician told me about my own mother . If you can’t persuade your mother to get tested and to move , You have a long road ahead. APS can be called to check on her but she may have to get worse before they can remove her from the home . If mom won’t go look at assisted living facilities near you with you , go by yourself . Have one picked out . I did that . When Mom ended up in the hospital I had her tested there and they determined she could not live alone . She went to the assisted living that I had picked out . Luckily they had a room available . Social worker had been to the house 2 weeks prior to the hospitalization . We were getting things set up to have her removed from the home by APS because in speaking with mom , it was clear she did not know what to do in emergencies . My siblings thought because the house was clean and there was food that I was providing that they would not take Mom out of the house . But the social worker from APS talked to mom and agreed with me that Mom was “ out there”. Mom ended up in the hospital before social worker returned to remove her from the house . She got discharged from the hospital to assisted living . If your mother won’t agree to testing , then the next time you take her to the ER . try to get her admitted . Tell them you don’t think she can live alone . She calls you all the time because she can’t figure out what to do on her own in an emergency . Get her tested there for dementia , and get her placed somewhere. My siblings thought my Mom was just upset and grieving . She was scared because she didn’t have my Dad looking after her . The two of them were doing a good job of hiding the fact that mY mother was struggling cognitively . After Dad passed , mom had a harder time hiding her dementia . It’s common . I hope someone has access to her bank accounts and POA to pay her bill and sell the house.
Everyones dementia is different . Just because she seems sharp as a tack doesn’t mean she is. My mother fooled people . Even when she was in moderate she never forgot anyones name .

Stop doing everything for her. You made her favorite food and she rejected it. Your Mom is a B***h and at 90 that is not going to change. You will never know why she dislikes you, she may not know.

My suggestion is, she does not need the expense of a big house. She probably could afford a nice Assisted Living. She would get her meals and have some socialization. You could move her closer but even then you have to set boundries. What you will and won't do.

Believe me, you are not the only one that is seeking some affirmation from a parent. If you read the posts on site you will find many. Being a good daughter does not always help. In some peoples eyes it is a weakness. Standing up for yourself may make Mom look at you differently. Maybe if you told Mom "Sorry, I can't pick u up" a few times she would go for the AL thing.

The water pill. Have Moms Potassium levels checked. My Dad went into a depression because of low potassium levels caused by water pills. Once his levels were brought up, he was back to normal. Even though Mom seems better after stopping them her levels could still be low. The Cardiologist can have labs run.

I am confused. What do you want?

What does your H think about her moving in permanently?

Dropping everything and running to her 3 hours away has got to be exhausting. Besides your being the only family left for her, the 3 hour travel time must be weighing on you. You worry when she is 3 hours away.

HOW does she keep up her large home immaculately? Does she mow the lawn? Do the maintenance work?