Every week she has a panic reason and I must come get her immediately. I do. She KNOWS that she is welcome to come and stay forever.
She's been here for the past week. I do everything for her. She hates me. That's nothing new, she always has. My sister and brother died so I'm all she's got. I see her giving me dirty looks but my husband says I don't see the looks that he does.
Any suggestions to make this stop? I will do anything that she needs, but my family deserves peace. This is nonsense.
itsuptome - your mother is a hateful, spiteful, self absorbed, and abusive ingrate. She will never change. So, to answer your question "Any suggestions to make this stop?", yes you can make it stop by not inviting her to your home, not ever moving her in, keeping a distance from her, having as little contact as possible.
You keep inviting a snake into your home, then wonder why you keep getting bitten. You then ask how to make the snake stop. Keep the snake away from you and your family. That's how.
Despite everyone's advice to not cater to your hateful mother, and not move her in. I bet you won't listen. You haven't had enough abuse yet, and you will keep trying to get her non-existent approval and love. After you move her in, she will tear your family apart, and ruin your marriage, then at which point you will ask "How do I move her out?"
Your first & last paragraph hit the nail on the head.
You’d better recant right away. Big mistake. Stop catering to her demands and go hide someplace. That is a sure recipe for disaster!
However, you are not helping her or yourself by being on-call and dropping everything to go to her aid. You are enabling entitlement behavior. Worse, since you have children, you are showing them that it is okay to be entitled.
If she truly hates you, she probably hates you more because she is dependent upon you. If she doesn't hate you, you are probably misinterpreting what she desires from you.
Regardless, you need to teach her how to become independent again. In her grief, she may have forgotten or just lack the self confidence to be independent.
The next time she calls you for something talk her through it (don't go to her and don't offer her a place to stay). Talk to her to the point where she decides whether she needs to call an ambulance or call Uber or drive or do nothing.
If she is having a panic attack, stay on the phone and talk to her. You can talk to her about the weather, what she ate the previous day, what she was planning on doing the following day, what triggered the panic attack...anything to get her mind into a different mindset so that her brain is redirected. You might be able to do some mindfulness exercises with her to get out of the panic attack.
Don't offer up your home unless her home is unsafe. If she is worried about burglars, ask her if she wants to put in a security system. If she asks to come to your house, ask her why she wants to come. Force her to verbalize her fears. That will provide insight to her and well as you, as to what her fears and living conditions really are. Sometimes, just putting a name to the emotion will reduce the intensity. If something needs to be changed, help her make the plan that leads to the change. Don't be insistent on the implementation of the plan. Sometimes just having the plan is good enough to make the fear fade to background noise.
Get out that that "she needs me" mindset. You are not her slave and in addition, you are putting her above yourself, your husband and your kids.
Help her get her independence back by teaching her how to live independently. Get your peace back by forcing her to become independent again....just like you probably did with your own children.
Oh lord, I'm exhausted just typing all that out. Do you not see how utterly crazy what you wrote is?
You will never have peace as long as you keep allowing your mom to call the shots. You must stop being at her beck and call. Your immediate family deserves so much better.
So next time she calls in a panic, tell her that you're busy right now, but when you have time in a few days, if things haven't gotten better you will swing by to check on her. Or better yet, just don't answer the phone when she calls. If it's a true emergency she can call 911.
And if she is no longer to live on her own, start looking into assisted living facilities or the like for her.
DO NOT under any circumstances let her move in with you permanently. You will live to regret that decision for sure.
And please get some therapy for yourself to better understand why you are so willing to put up with a woman who hates you, and why you feel the need to bend over backwards for her.
What you're describing is pure madness, and it must stop. So put on your big girl panties and do what's necessary to make things better for you and your immediate family(husband and children, not mom.)
You say that she is now with you for a week. Is this a temporary visit or has she moved in permanently because you say that she knows that she is welcome to live in your home?
You say that she hates you. You must have a heart of gold to invite her into your home knowing that she hates you. That’s too much aggravation to be dealing with. No one will benefit from this arrangement.
What are her health concerns? Does she have any cognitive issues?
I didn’t recognize early symptoms of dementia development in my mom. Specific tests are needed to determine if dementia is present.
If she shouldn’t be living alone, due to her panic attacks or other matters, you don’t have to allow her to live with you and your husband.
Please look into her finding the help that she needs from elsewhere, such as an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing facility. You can visit her as her daughter again and won’t have the responsibility of being the hands on caregiver.
So sorry for the loss of your siblings.
Wishing you all the best.
If she hates you why in the world are you bending over backwards for her, dropping everything to run and get her when she's in a panic, tolerating dirty looks in your own home, etc?
To make this stop, you need to set boundaries. You're right - your family deserves peace. Letting her into your home and saying she can stay forever will NEVER bring your family peace. So, get her needs met in some other way. Whatever she needs, you can help her hire the help that will will that need and you can no longer tolerate this nonsense.
She is sharp as a tack.
Her BP was extremely high so we went to get her a few weeks ago. I work in an academic medical center and got her an appointment with a wonderful cardiologist. Her followup appointment is this week. She did go home after that incident, but then she had a tooth crisis. We went to get her. Then I noticed she was a bit off. She got her bloodwork for this followup, and I saw that in 9 days her values were off. She was super dehydrated. She stopped the heavy duty diuretic and she is back to her normal self. I understand that was super scary for her. I am all she has. She lives 3 hours away. We do run when she calls. I like her being with us so that I know that she is ok. I worry. I don't want her alone in that enormous house. (She does keep it beautiful and immaculate) Her family is me, my husband, our kids, their spouses, and grandkids. We all want her here. I just don't know why she hates me so much when she needs me.
I made turnip today. I did because she loves it. She told me that she doesn't eat that crap. OK, no big deal but she wouldn't let it go. She made me respond. I asked her what the big deal was about turnip and she went to bed. I would never make her eat something that she didn't like or want.
She seems to be able to care for herself, it is you who is having the problem dealing with that, you want her to be totally dependent on you.
This will not make her love you, that is not how it works.
Get mother out of your house at once and back into her own home where she belongs. Agreeing to be abused in your own home is unimaginable to me. You're not going to change a 90 year old woman's behavior at all, so protect yourself by admitting your mistake in inviting her to live with you in the first place. If she requires help, get it set up for her in house on her credit card. Also tell her to call 911 the next time she's having a panic episode.
My condolences on the loss of your father.
Best of luck
I went into medicine because I care deeply about others, even those that don't like me or even hate me. Oh well. We will figure it out or at least et through it.