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I have an issue that keeps going on for years. Father is 75 years old and got retired 4 years ago. Along his road he owned a business and was rich. Problem is he used to give money to charity, family or to anyone that would ask him for a favor. At this point my mom who is 74 too and who doesnt work , really make me sad. About 28 years of marriage and never he will bring her to a trip , to a restaurant or anything , she just cook and take care of him but nothing in return . As their children , he paid my school but i still get sick about all the money he gave to others instead of taking care of us ; and now its worse , he got problems and his business got the end and he had to sell it , instead of buying an aparement in sake of security , he still give money time to time and explain this by the fact he doesnt have enough money to buy a house anymore . I am really sad and upset , i feel all along this year we never enjoyed anything , i wish he could change and that we live happy moments but i doesnt . I still have though time because i gratuated but my degree doesnt give me the chance to make a lot of money and i want my mom to be satisfied for once .... How can i make him stop all this or just admit that he hurt us ? thank you

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First, you chose what degree to pursue. If it doesn't provide a decent living, that's your fault. Don't expect your father to bail you out now that you've apparently not made a wise career choice.

Second, I can't help getting the impression that you're upset more because your father isn't helping you more (you are an adult, aren't you?) and that your "concern" for your mother is really to support your allged concern for your father's disposition of his funds as he sees fit. Perhaps she's satisfied with her situation. If she is, who are you to complain?

"i still get sick about all the money he gave to others instead of taking care of us". This says it all.

You stated he's given money to charity, "FAMILY", and others. Aren't you family? He paid for your education. What more do you expect or want?

There aren't many posts that provoke my contempt but yours is one. It reeks of selfishness and total lack of concern for your parents. Grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.
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Dftt
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@GardenArtist Well i don't know what to say , i didnt post the question to make anyone angry , just to help me find a way out of it . I never said he shouldnt give to whoever he want , my point is he uses to give tremendous amounts of money , he bought houses for* people , paid tuitions for everyone , the problem is they were and still using him , they are all rich , but ask for money again and again . As for us , my mother cant work because shes sick , and we rent a house and dont have money to buy one , we are in war with the renter since i was born and all this time grew up i never understood why we should live worrying about the future when he could have made it simple , my mom is constantly sad about this , about the fact he gives to anothers without anytime saving for us , it was not selfish was i said , i said i wish he used this money to take care of us first , i dont want him to pay me , but at least to take care of us from time to time and not worry about people who keep lying to him to ask money
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I think Boni's BS meter must be way the over the red line on this one.
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I am actually really chocked by your reactions , my dad do not save for his retirement , not for his future with my mum , he still gives and he have tremendous debts , he cant say no and people are using him why is that worrying about this situation makes me selfish????
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Tara, I can understand your frustrations, but you need to understand your Dad earned his money, thus he can do with it whatever he wants. Some people spend and give away their money, and others save and not part with a nickel.

My parents are the savers, to a point of being ridiculous at times.... it stresses me to do their grocery shopping because they will make a comment over something that cost 10 cents more than what some other store was offering.

Sounds like your Dad has been this way for over 30 years, at this point in his life there is no way you can change his ways. Just learn from him what not to do in your financial future.
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Tara have you ever tried to talk to you dad about his philosophy of life? Why he chooses to give away his money to others, instead of spending it on himself and his wife, or save it for retirement? I would imagine he's learned from his relatives that either it's expected that he take care of others (is he the oldest child in his family?) or that the culture he's from requires that he takes care of others. Maybe he doesn't expect to live long after retirement...a lot of people don't, so don't save for that possibility.

Does he expect you to take care of him in old age? Did he take care of his parents? Is that a part of your concern? I agree that at this age, the chances that he will change are small. You don't say how old you are, but if you have one degree, you should be old enough to make your own way in life. Like FreqFlyer says, learn from your dad's example. Start saving for retirement early. Be generous with charity, but not so generous that it threatens your own future.

Can you take your mom to a restaurant or a trip? If you're an adult, save so that you can be the one to give her that happiness. It doesn't only have to come from your father. You're old enough to make a positive difference in your mom's life, even if your dad won't.
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Tara, I think I can understand your frustration. You had a rich father but in your view other people benefited from that more than you did. Other people got houses and large gifts and your mother never got to go on trips or to fine places.

I really can understand that that would bother you a lot. And you are young enough to have not resolved your feelings about family relationships. Here's the deal, though: Your father's money, your father's decisions. Actually, I would say "your parents' money, your parents' decisions." I personally would not live in a marriage without equal say about spending -- but that was your mother's choice to make. She apparently was OK about how things were in her marriage. The real point is, how your parents' money was/is spent is Not Your Business.

Other people got more of your father's money (and therefore his attention) than his immediate family did. Did a lot of that money go to male friends and family members instead of Mom and you? In any case, you look at this situation and think "Not Fair!!!"

You may be right. Life is not fair. It is not fair that my intelligent, kind, generous husband spent the last 10 years of his life with a malfunctioning brain. It isn't fair that my sweet mother will never stand up again on her own. It isn't fair that my younger brother has been in pain from an accident 12 years ago and then also deals with cancer. Every one of us on the board could give you lots and lots of examples of how Life is Not Fair.

You are facing your own example right now. You'd like to make it a little more fair. That is not in your power. Best you accept your own situation and make it the best it can be. Your mother has made her own choices. They were not yours to make.

I urge to get some counselling -- not to find out how to change your parents, but to find peace in accepting what you cannot change.

Not your circus. Not your monkey. :D
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I think it may be worthwhile to remember that people come to this site from all over the world. Different cultures have different attitudes towards how money is spent within a family, what kinds of financial support are to be provided as a matter of course and which are exceptional. For example, it is very common in many cultures for children to live at home rent-free long past university, and for parents to substantially contribute to their adult children's first purchase of a house. In such cultures it is seen as abnormal and especially hurtful for a parent to do otherwise, particularly if that same parent raised their child to have expectations of support that are entirely consistent with their culture.

My point is: don't assume that an adult child who is upset about not getting certain kinds of support is necessarily a spoiled brat.

From what I can tell, the whole idea that once a child turns 18 and/or finishes university the parents are justified in withdrawing all forms of financial or practical support is generally associated with Anglo-American cultures. I've known people from other cultures whose minds are blown by that concept. Personally I think it is needlessly harsh, can come back to bite parents, and is out of touch with today's economic realities.
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You raise and interesting perspective, margarets. Tara lives in Orlando, FL. That does not prove she grew up in Anglo-American cultures, of course. But assuming that her cultural background justifies her complaint, how would you answer her question of how to make her father stop all this or just admit that he hurt his immediate family?

(I never assumed that she is a spoiled brat.)
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I understand completely what Tara is saying. When my dad died he left mom about half a million in assets. She gave it all away or had it stolen by greedy siblings. When it came to the point she needed a caregiver, siblings were nowhere around. I had only her Mcare and retirement check to use for her. When she died, the greedy suckers were back for what little shehad
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Perhaps you could get him to agree to set aside a certain amount in trust for his care?
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Tara, your dad is a foolish man, it sounds like. You're not going to change him at this late date. Sad for your mom, does she have any say in how household money gets spent?
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Thank you all for the helpful answers and insights . Well as @ margarets said , maybe i should have mentionned that i have a middle easter culture where is considered obligatory to take care of your family . Actually what was frustrating me too is that my father married my mother knowing that he will take care of her , he didnt want her to work and be a stay home mome to take care of the house . He litterally didnt want her to do anything else as a hobby or such , as for me , it was pretty much the same thing , he was very protective and didnt want me to do many things and telling me that he is here for taking care and that after i will get married and blabla , but it doesnt work that way anymore as i believe .. , and here we are now , worrying about the future. Actually if i say this , im worried because i know i must take care of them after , and by that is completly. . As katiekat2009 said too im worried about the same thing ,that he die one day and their is a big fight because of all this . @ jeannegibbs i get your point totally , yes your many things in life is unfair , i did some counselling and it was ok and went well but i cant help of worrying about this situation and i would like to find a solution .
@ blannieyes Yes my father is the oldest one ., which explain a lot , he always took care of all his family and more, i think its a great thing until this years where we struggling and they still suck him to death , he had problems no one even called , i just hate that , they disapear and come back only to ask money , its not help its pure benefit ...
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Tara2128, money doesn't buy happiness. A lot of young students who are struggling to pay for college would be envious of you having your education paid for. Use that education and create your own life instead of dwelling on how your Dad had spent his money.

My significant other's grown children thought he was their personal ATM machine and they never learned to manage money themselves... now it is coming back to bite them because their Dad finally had a light bulb moment and turned off that personal ATM machine... now they don't care much for their Dad. See, it was all about money :(

By the way, at 74 years old, buying and maintaining a house is a lot of work for someone that age. He would be better being in an apartment.
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Thanks , freqflyer ! well i meant a house or an apartment just something for them because they are renting for many years ; but you are right .
Im 24 btw
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Tara2128, those who are investors are quite happy that there are people who prefer to rent.... even the founder of Facebook was a renter or still is. For some it is just an easier lifestyle not worrying about maintaining a home.
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Dad made money, chose to give some or a lot away. Mom should have spoken up a long time ago, but if she did not or could not, that is in the past. Final stage of life is no time to make or expect changes.
Move out on your own, make your own way in life and spend your money your way.
Not sure what sort of degree you completed, but your grammar is more indicative of a troll than a university graduate. That is why some responders are calling BS, and I tend to agree.
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Tara, you get a job and you help support your parents in their old age. That principle holds true across all cultures, all religions. Even if he gives away every last penny and his last stitch of clothes, your obligation remains.
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@lsmiami your right , she should have spoken a long time ago , but in her words she tried but he didnt pay attention , thing is im her confident and i feel in some way that she tell me that i should be the one who can fix this situation
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